To not invite sister to social gathering

[NoSourDough]

I’m a group leader in a hobby that I created in our local village after moving here around 2 years ago. Group is going very well and we are having our first social gathering outside of the weekly “practice” this Xmas.

My mother and sister relocated to my area this year (we all relocated around 2 hours from original home town).

My mother joined my group and took up the hobby as a bid to learn a new skill and make new friends, was out of her comfort zone but she did it and she enjoys it.

My sister was invited (on a few occasions) to join the group but she suffers with low confidence and declined the invitation, even though the joining of this all female group would allow her to make new local friends in the community. She has been living here now for 6 months and hasn’t made a friend yet.

Back to our Xmas plans, my mother has taken it upon herself to invite my sister to the groups social event. I’m not happy about this. My sister is not part of the hobby group. It’s a Xmas social for the group - not outsiders to be added on. As group leader, she should have asked me first.

AIBU - should I chill out and allow my sister to come along and meet new people or keep it in the group, as I’m not sure it would be fair on the others and I would not be happy if they invited a non-member to the Xmas social.

Thats a great idea. Have a dedicated bring a potential new member gathering

Or get your sister to rejoin before the dinner!

I'm in the don't invite her camp. Just let her know she's welcome to join the group and then attend the event as a member.

I'm in a similar group. We had a couple of people ask if they could come to a meal we were having (it was mentioned in our local magazine). We were unsure but said yes. As it turned out, they got to know the other members in a relaxed environment and they now all come regularly and a couple more people they know now come too.

It's been really good for us as a group, and had we said no to the original request they may never have joined.

I think you’re being mean. You’ve said your sister has no friends and lacks confidence. This might give her the push to join the group once she gets to meet everyone. Unless they are really snooty and un accepting.

I agree with you OP.

but firstly - does your sister even want to come? Personally I’d feel more anxious about a social event with lots of strangers than I would about going to a regular hobby evening with my mum and sister where everyone is doing the hobby!

secondly, I’d talk to your sister - it sounds as if you get on - and kindly explain what you’ve said here and suggest that if she does want to come to the social she comes to a meeting or two of the hobby in the run up to it so she will know some faces at the meal.

The solution is she comes to at least one group session before the Xmas party

You’re not on your own because I’d also think it wasn’t on. Open to anyone or open to members only.

I hope the hobby/lifestyle group is something spectacular, like being a witch.

i don’t see the problem tbh. I mean, it’s like saying the others would be pissed off if she came along to one of the regular sessions as a newbie. Instead, she’s coming along to the social. Just say she’ll be joining in the new year and you’re introducing her now.

Using this as the basis for the social event, can other group members invite their relations and relatives to the event if they aren't part of the group themselves?

If the answer to that is no, then you're well within your rights @NoSourDough to talk with your mother, tell her she overstepped as far as the social event is concerned and that unfortunately, until your sister actually participates in the group, she can't attend the social events with the group.

Tell your sister too that you can't extend an invite to her because that would set a precedent for others to have an open invitation and this is an event for the group only but she is still more than welcome to join the group itself and she will automatically get an invite that way.

I have follow up questions for you @NoSourDough - has your sister actually expressed an interest in attending this meal to meet with these other group members or is this your mother trying to act in the best interest of her daughter here and by doing this she has actually made it more difficult for the other daughter?
Has your mother a history of doing things like this?

I think it sounds like a MLM scam 🤣

What on earth is this 'can't possibly tell you' hobby?
I am trying to imagine a 'lifestyle' hobby that would immediately identify the person doing it - and that you would want to talk about for a whole meal?
I belong to a yoga group (which I suppose is a 'lifestyle' ) and we have regular meals out. Not only do we allow other people to come (daughters etc.) but we certainly don't talk about it all night.

I’d say to your sister that your mum was mistaken and that the meal is just for practicing members of the hobby group to ensure it’s fair to all. However, there is still time to join the hobby group over the next couple of weeks, and that you’d love her to give it a try,

Stick to the group members only.
Your mother was rude and presumptuous to do that.

Be big hearted, let her join in

Its a Christmas meal, time of goodwill and all that and she is your sister...Unbelievable.

Can she go to your work Christmas lunch too?

I think being "group leader" has gone to your head OP. You sound like a 6 year old.

It is not a work lunch its a village hobby group, a group the Op had encouraged her sister to join, who if invited and meet the others may well feel able to join.

But she isn't a member of the group! I suppose if she went to your work lunch, she might decide she wanted to work there; but that's not the way round it works!
I know the examples aren't identical, but it's the same principle.

If OP came on here and said a hobby group member wanted to bring their DH, who was not a club member, people would be all over it shouting "changes dynamics". Why should it be different because it's someone's sister?

I used to run an archery club as a hobby, adults and kids as members. When we have a fun shoot for Christmas which included food and Christmas stocking gifts for the kids we would have non club members trying to attend. We were a small club paying for this out of club fees we couldn't afford or even want the hassle of dealing with stragglers just because they thought it would be fun.

It's a Christmas meal - Yes
Time of goodwill - yes
She's the OP's sister - also yes
Has she been invited to attend any of the group activities up to this point - yes

Has she attended any of the group activities up to this point - No
If she attended any of the group activities before the Christmas meal could she attend the Christmas meal - YES!!!!!

@NoSourDough - You have two ways to handle this - either you bring your sister along (perhaps under protest) so that she can attend a couple of sessions with this group so that she takes part in the activity and can therefore attend the lunch as a member of the group or you tell your mother and sister that as she is not a member of the group she can't come to the Christmas meal but that as group leader you're going to help organise a meet and greet session and a get to know you session in January (as someone up thread suggested) and she can come to that instead but you can't change the rules to appease your mother or her.

Finding this thread somewhat depressing and mean spirited