To not invite sister to social gathering

[NoSourDough]

I’m a group leader in a hobby that I created in our local village after moving here around 2 years ago. Group is going very well and we are having our first social gathering outside of the weekly “practice” this Xmas.

My mother and sister relocated to my area this year (we all relocated around 2 hours from original home town).

My mother joined my group and took up the hobby as a bid to learn a new skill and make new friends, was out of her comfort zone but she did it and she enjoys it.

My sister was invited (on a few occasions) to join the group but she suffers with low confidence and declined the invitation, even though the joining of this all female group would allow her to make new local friends in the community. She has been living here now for 6 months and hasn’t made a friend yet.

Back to our Xmas plans, my mother has taken it upon herself to invite my sister to the groups social event. I’m not happy about this. My sister is not part of the hobby group. It’s a Xmas social for the group - not outsiders to be added on. As group leader, she should have asked me first.

AIBU - should I chill out and allow my sister to come along and meet new people or keep it in the group, as I’m not sure it would be fair on the others and I would not be happy if they invited a non-member to the Xmas social.

That really not how these things work. People will have been told that it's members only and there are no plus-ones. Then the leader of the group's non-member sister turns up, when no-one else has been able to invite someone?

I'm amazed at the majority people responses being that OP is being unfair. If she has a plus one (and that's how it will appear even if it's their mother who's invited her) OP's name will be mud among her members.

OP, I'd simply tell your mother that it's a members only social and that everyone has been told that there can be no plus ones. And that if your sister turns up, it will look horrendously unfair.

Then it's down to her to tell the sister.

I'm obviously out on my own here but this would really piss me off I was a member of the social club!!

So the group's leader can bring her sister but no one else can?

You can't have one rule for one and one for another.

It's either a social club meal for member's only or guests can be invited too.

I think you're right OP. But looks like most of mumsnet disagrees! ;)

Could you organise a less formal social such as drinks where all members are invited to bring guests (you could even end up getting new members join) and your sister is welcome to that. Then explain she can't come to the sit down dinner as it's members only.

It’s the hobby group’s Christmas social. Not a drop in for randoms. She’s your sister, but to everyone apart from your mum she’s a random and it will change the dynamic. Your mum had no business inviting her. YANBU.

Organise and entire extra event, just to pacify her mum and sister? You have to be joking. These things are HARD WORK.

I belong to a hobby group that has a Christmas social. I would find it quite odd that someone who doesn’t do the hobby came to our social, whether it’s a partner or a sister of the instructor. Maybe your mum didn’t realise that plus ones weren’t invited?

Your mother is out of order. If it's a members-only social, it's a members-only social - not members plus an extra one of her daughters. If nobody else gets a guest then being the organiser's mum doesn't give her special privileges.

If everyone could bring a guest that would be different, and.could be a great way to encourage your sister to join the club.

Surely she needs to attend a couple of times before Christmas, otherwise it's just weird to go to the social. I would not like to be sitting next to someone at the Christmas social who didn't even go to the group!

I think it’s fine for your sister to come. As long as she is aware that you would be in “work mode” and maybe you can get her to help out?

I’ve seen many volunteer groups or activities where the leader might invite their sister along - who usually acts as support and helps out.

If she doesn’t want to help out, then she can just join.

Also I would say the difference would be what type of social gathering - if it’s a sit down meal or something quite intimate I would be a little annoyed - but if it’s pretty open then that should be fine.

How about telling mum and sister that it's for group members only but if she joins the group now ofcourse she can come. Otherwise not in order to be fair to other members. You have to lead with good example, surely your family can understand that.

Mmm, no, if I were a member and had understood the event to be members only then I'd be pissed if the organisers sister attended as a non-member.

Tell her either she joins in a few meetings and is then a member and can come or she can't come. Or rather, tell Mother to tell her this, since she was the one who wrongly invited her!

It would be different if this were a do in a venue you're organising by yourself, you could have her there under the guise of helping perhaps, or helping your Mum or something, but as its a meal out thats really not going to work.

I agree with the later replies. Especially as group leader, you can't look like you're taking advantage and bringing extras if others aren't meant to.

Tell her she needs to come to a session first.

If she's shy though, I'd have thought it would be far worse because normally she can put her head down and get on with the hobby. For this she'll need to make small talk with strangers who know each other- unless she plans on hiding in the corner only talking to op and mum, which would be awkward.

I want to know what the hobby is.

Or would it be too outing like all other hobbies?!

No group members only. Not group members and selected family members.

How is it hard work to say we are all meeting for a drink at X on X date, join if you want?
You send a group message and mention it at the meeting and that's the end of it isn't it.

Part of my job is running hobby groups to help people socially and this just this is a great opportunity for your sister to see what it's like in a more relaxed way and perhaps might allay some of her fears around joining.

I'd get your point moreso if this was next year, and she was just turning up for the socials repeatedly but 6 months in a new area isn't that long.

I 100% agree with this I would hate other randoms being there…I have a friend who does this, invites me over/ out and then next thing I know there are others there and it changes the dynamic of the whole catch up and I’d rather be home

yes your sister may lack confidence but others in the group may as well and may not want to do small talk with an unknown person

I'd say group members only otherwise it's unfair on the others.

I'd say to your mum she either-

Joins the group
Doesn't come
Your mum asks rest of group if she can attend

Have a chat to your sister and explain that this Xmas dinner is for group members only. If she wants to come to the dinner, she needs to become a regular member of the group first.

Thanks everyone, these last posters are my sentiments exactly and the reason for my thread.
i want to encourage her to come to the group to meet new friends and my plan was to say could she join this last term leading up to the social.

Sorry - can’t tell you the group as too outing but think niche / specialist in that it’s a talking point / lifestyle choice in that it will keep conversation going most of the night at the social, however my sister does have an interest.

Your sister is struggling to make friends. You've invited her to the group and she hasn't felt able to make it. If she can attend the meal she might then feel able to come to the other meetings. If you're worried about being unfair to other members then let them bring a friend who might be interested in joining.

Then suggest she comes to a meeting before the meal?

everyone would be happy to have one extra there that's not attended before due to low confidence

How do you know ‘everyone’ would be happy? You don’t!!

Last thing OP needs is a group of people annoyed that the sister was invited outside of the group and they weren’t given the same option. They may well have family/friends who wouldn’t otherwise get a Christmas meal out.

Your mum has placed you in a tricky post as you are group leader and the rules will have been bent for your family member, which is not fair and might piss a few people off who might also have liked to invite a plus one. And will equally piss off those who see the dinner as members only. There’ll be a bunch in between who don’t care either way.

in your shoes I’d cancel your sisters place for the Christmas meal, but arrange an informal social event in the new year at which plus ones/ prospective new members would be welcome.