This marriage is financial abuse - AIBU?

[catstaff47]

This is about a friend. I think she is being financially abused by her DH. I will try to give the facts as she described it -

1. He earns about £120k she earns about £12k (working p/t to be around for teens).

2. He pays the mortgage and bills. There is a food shopping account into which he puts about £150 per week (for 4 people and several pets).

3. Apart from this, she lives off the £1k per month she earns - even though she buys a lot of the kids stuff out of this as well because he will not.

4. She has no idea how much money he has saved or where and he will not tell her!

5. If she runs out of money in a given month, she will take / borrow from other people rather than just ask him - her own husband!

That's about it.

I could not imagine living like this and don't know how she has accepted it for so long. To me she has been somehow conditioned to think it's ok. I have told her this (gently), but I don't think she will do anything about it or leave him. Plus I think he must be beyond help to even do this in the first place.

AIBU and what would you say to her?

£1k on yourself and two kids per month is not enough when you have ZERO bills or mortgage to pay? You must be joking?!
maybe she could work more or the teens can get a job then?
Most families can’t afford one person working 3 days a week once the kids are older.

£1k pays for a lot of clothes unless they buy very high end only. How much are 3 phone contracts? Sounds like she lives over her means if she can’t manage on 1k a month and maybe that’s why DH doesn’t give her extra cash

Why does she have to be around for teens? Sounds like an excuse not to work FT

This is something that the OP seems to be skimming over and not understanding.

.......OP......you say she never pays money back

Have you asked her for the money back that she owes to you?
If yes and she doesn't pay it what excuse does she give?

This is an incredible charity, doing brilliant work to highlight what economic abuse is and the far reaching and devastating impact it can have.

To me a marriage is putting together all your resources in one pot and making a fair plan to evenly distribute it. If they have decided that her working part time is the best thing for their family life, then she should still have a 50 percent say in how finances are managed. If not, then I would be questioning the part time decision, and would probably get rid. What kind of marriage is that when you don't share? Sadly, looking at the many responses questioning her decision to work part time, it is a common issue in marriage now.

This is irrelevant to the main issue.

We are now 7 pages in and the OP has cited all the things he pays for, all the things her friend pays for, mentioned that he gives the kids money for stuff occasionally and has sarcastically referred to him as God and in charge of Sainsburys food bills. One thing she hasn't done (and I don't believe she would have omitted it if he was doing it) is tell us how much he spends on hobbies clothes nights out and so on, whilst her friend can't even afford a coffee.

Maybe it's more a case of he gives the kids money to buy clothes when they need them, so Dad I need new school shoes ok here's some money. Dad I want new trainers these are so last month sorry no. OK Mum will buy them.

I am the main wage earner. I earn c. 130k Pa. I pay mortgage, bills, food, insurances, car expenses, entertainment (eating out), kids clothes/clubs/leisure activities, holidays, birthdays, Christmas etc .. I have very little left per month after paying my commuting costs for myself. I don’t give my partner anything per month. Switch to me being the ‘man’ in the relationship / am I abusive? Both children are teenagers - 1 at uni where I pay accommodation. Why would i also give my partner money every month when there’s no reason why he can’t work too? Tbh, if i did I would no money left each month. I know here on MN I am massively financially privileged and my salary means I can pay all my outgoings. But we live in the SE .. there’s nothing left over for living a lavish lifestyle. (& no, kids are not, or never were in private school)

Maybe the reason he doesn’t want joint money because how bad she is with money.

She can’t manage with £1000 a month and scrounges off her friends. And because you’ve fallen for her “I don’t have enough to live on” act you don’t expect to be paid back.

You’re being taken for a mug.

Why is it irrelevant? Its the main thing!!

I think She needs to do something sooner rather than later. At the moment probably prepare to earn more. Later perhaps separate once she can financially earn enough for bills, mortgage and expensives, depending if where they are there are good universities etc. Imagine having to support several kids through uni, some even at the same time, and the kids get only the minimum amount of loan due to the father income and one of the kids with health problems too. She needs legal advise.

I'm a SAHM and my DH "pays" me £500 a month. This is my own money to spend as I wish (clothes, make up, mobile phone, etc)
I also have access to a joint account that DH tops up when needed, which is for household bills, food, stuff for the kids including clothes and toys.

I don't have access to his savings account because I don't need to access it.

You say she feels like she "can't ask" her husband about money, that's on her.
Unless she asks and he refuses to answer how much he has, or she asks for access to money for kids clothes or whatever and he won't give her that access, this is not financial abuse! She isn't even asking him!

See post by @SqueamishHamish

Why does a woman who gets her head kicked in and hospitalised on the regular stay in an abusive relationship? She's been groomed. She's so financially crippled she can't easily leave and her days are probably so consumed with keeping her struggling childrens lives together that she's frightened of putting the bomb of divorce in their lives. Also if she's financially cut off she probably can't afford decent legal advise.

It is incredibly hard for victims of abuse to leave and OP indicates she's frightened of him too. Xx

This is irrelevant to the main issue

It's the whole issue. You think she needs more money, she isn't earning it. Why?

This post is just weird.

Your friend is a grown woman with teenagers, an ability to work and she is married. If she is married to a douchebag she can change that.

The thing that’s gross here is taking money off poorer relatives for luxuries. That’s it isn’t it? She has all her basic needs covered and has spending money and is borrowing money and playing poor at lunch? And making you pay?
It sounds like they are a very strange couple and I’d be questioning the whole friendship thing.

Or it’s possible she’s taking advantage of everyone (you included!). Maybe she is super entitled and wants you to pay for lunch and the back story helps. Stranger things have happened.

Yes of course marital finances should could be equal but that’s not always the way. If they are so remote from each other they have no idea about the money and don’t share and are afraid to ask then it’s not much of a marriage in 2024. But it isn’t really your business.

She can divorce him and then she’ll find out exactly what he has in the bank.

Could it be that she doesn't want him to know she's wasting £1k a month and then "borrowing" from elderly relatives and getting free lunches from friends, because he'll tell her to stop wasting money?

Yes this is a bonkers way to live in a marriage!

Unfortunately most posters are hung up on the £1000 she seemingly has 'for herself'. And yet there are evidently a lot of indications that things in your friend's marriage are not right. The fact that she keeps bringing up her financial difficulties with friends and family and yet feels afraid to talk to her husband attests to this. It appears to be a very dysfunctional or even toxic relationship.

All you can do, though, is be receptive and tell her that you are willing to listen, and help if you can. Her best course of action may be taking steps to increase her earning potential so she can leave if/when the situation becomes intolerable for her.

Hmmmm - If he is earning 100k a year then he should be contributing a hell of a lot more than £150 for food per week.

I mean your friend doesn’t have to work and i guess she wants to do it to earn her own pennies (fair enough)

I don’t think the relationship/marriage is that strong to be fair. Me and my DH we have full transparency over our salaries and we have joint account that we both have control over. We also have a business account too as we are landlords.

Definitely feels like financial and emotional abuse. If she can’t speak to her own husband something isn’t right.

Who knows why. Maybe her child with behavioural/MH issues means she has to spend one day every week travelling to an appointment at a hospital two hours away, to see a specialist for an hour, and then two hours back again. Maybe she has MH issues herself. Maybe her partner won't allow her to work any more than the three days. There could be a million reasons why. We don't know. But on the face of what we do know, it seems a very inequitable and unhealthy relationship.

@newtlover - Thankyou, that's very intestesting.

To be perfectly frank, I was getting quite pissed off that my friend never really pays for anything, I think she feels kind of entitled because she sees me as 'rich' and this was becoming a bit irritating. Then I bumped into her mother snd, to cut a long story short, she started crying and telling me that her daughter never has any money, she is having to send her money, etc. it's not about the amount as such. It's the inflexibility. For instance, if there was a holiday, that's all her money gone. It would be fine if the DH doesn't have any extra to give her if she needed it, but he does. He just won't. And I think it's worrying she can't even have a conversation about it all with him.

She lives in a £1000000 house in the south east. If half on mortgage that’s minimum £2500 / £3000 a month. Then bills, then food. She would have to take a massive dip in lifestyle and that’s fine, if she is happier, but if money is the issue now: jeeeze.

if he’s on £120k it’s just over £6k a month. Mortgage, bills food etc probably £4k? Is he commuting? He may have not huge amounts more than her.

i think she has a problem with the value of money. Very telling she expects you to pay and asks her mum for money. I think she may be a grifter. (Sorry if not!)

Seems like a pretty sweet deal to me