This marriage is financial abuse - AIBU?

[catstaff47]

This is about a friend. I think she is being financially abused by her DH. I will try to give the facts as she described it -

1. He earns about £120k she earns about £12k (working p/t to be around for teens).

2. He pays the mortgage and bills. There is a food shopping account into which he puts about £150 per week (for 4 people and several pets).

3. Apart from this, she lives off the £1k per month she earns - even though she buys a lot of the kids stuff out of this as well because he will not.

4. She has no idea how much money he has saved or where and he will not tell her!

5. If she runs out of money in a given month, she will take / borrow from other people rather than just ask him - her own husband!

That's about it.

I could not imagine living like this and don't know how she has accepted it for so long. To me she has been somehow conditioned to think it's ok. I have told her this (gently), but I don't think she will do anything about it or leave him. Plus I think he must be beyond help to even do this in the first place.

AIBU and what would you say to her?

Someone said above that she is jealous of OP and I think that’s it. It’s levelling up and the parents are the soft option, OP too. She wants what you have and cannot believe that she has to suffer the indignity of working and budgeting! It’s beneath her.

OP is sympathising as she is clearly in a better position. But that doesn’t mean sister is in a bad position.

It’s all pointing to the sister being a bit of a manipulative victim type. 18 pages in!!

I'm not joking.

The narrative is in our family - my DH should osy gif everything. Now and going forward. No it's no buts.
Once he said - during a conversation with the DPs - that, not to worry, he would put her kids though uni and make sure she had a home if there was a divorce and the H refused or hid miney (which wouidnt surprise me). So now they say they are relieved about this! Also, I told them to leave everything to her in their will. My DF was considering it, but decided in the end he would not change his will.

Sorry for typos, that should read - the narrative in the wider family is that my DH pays for everything. No ifs no buts.

OP, you've made it sound like your sister clearly would take advantage. She has taken advantage of everyone else, including her parents.

God how awful for him to be a cash cow, no ifs no buts. That’s truly appalling even if you were married to Jeff Bezos!!!

Sorry, but I think the some of the attitude in your family about money are bizarre!

Your parents would rather get someone else to pay for your sister’s house and to put her kids through university than tell her to get a full time job?!

Why are you and your H enabling her so much you don’t have to pay for those things and her get everything because you’re better off than her. Shes not in poverty and could stand on her own two feet and wan more. Might not have quite the same lifestyle if she left him but sounds like she’d be ok.

It’s madness! She’ll never change while you all enable her and she’ll continue to manipulate you all.

It's none of your business to talk to him. It's also the business of the elderly people to deal with any concerns they may have. As a friend, the only job you have is to be a listening ear and offer advice, if wanted. You'd be over stepping if you did anything to start getting more involved here.

Well this adds a whole new dimension. Why is everyone babying her? She's more than capable of working full time and sorting herself out. I can't believe your DH has offered to put her kids through uni. Jesus, she really has never stood on her own two feet.
You've gone from saying she is financially abused to saying it's tye family narrative, as if you're starting to doubt it yourself.

If she got a job she wouldn't earn enough at this point in her life, realistically.

Sounds to me like its your husband that is being financially abused.

The whole thing does my head in, to be honest.

I suspect there is a big 'keeping up appearances ' thing going on here - and she has friends who think nothing of £35 lunch meetings ups because their husbands either earn more or they themselves earn more or have inheritance etc. lots of people in certain careers can have very good income but actually have lots of free time- I know a freelance cameraman for instance who does about 10 days work a month but earns around £120k a year. also suspect she hasn't learnt with teens the word 'no' because the teens have lots of totally spoilt friends.

I also think the H probably doesn't have much more than she does as 'disposable' after all costs- she has choices with that disposable OP - and clearly isn't budgeting it- just using it till it runs out.

She either needs to work more, trade down on house and reduce mortgage maybe , but above all needs to pull her big girl pants up and understand the numbers- I think she will find he hasn't got anything like the surplus income she thinks unless they have a very modest mortgage and no car finance etc

Was just thinking exactly the same thing.

Little Miss All bills paid and £1000 a month to spend is not the one I’d be worried about in this situation.

We have it now.

OP is clearly in a fortunate financial position and sister believe she should be in the same position. And she’s willing to fleece her parents so she does not miss out.

It’s unfortunate that you have a jealous manipulative sister. It’s not an uncommon thought though - what are they going to spend it on!?

I think your sister and DH are not quite affording the lifestyle they think they deserve and IM SORRY BUT if you are that well off no wonder he’s secretive about money, he’s probably embarrassed he cannot measure up!

Honestly, are you genuinely ok with your husband having to spend your household money, for you him and your children, that’s he’s gone to work and earnt, on your sister? Because your parents say he should? Do you agree with this, if you were honest deep down.

It sounds extremely unfair on both of you no matter how much money you have to have this expectation on your shoulders.

‘Enough’ is relative though. She clearly feels she doesn’t have ‘enough’ at the moment and wants more.

If living with her husband is as awful as she makes out though, clearly she needs to leave.

She might need to live in a flat with a large mortgage, and work full time but, like thousands of others, she would manage.

Her kids would get full loans or could go to university and live at home if she’s on a low wage.

And you will never know if her DH is funding them through uni because she isn't going to tell you he is. The money your DH gives her to help them is going to buy a lot of lunches

I am actually feeling sorry for the 2 men married into your family both expected to fund their family and help out the SIL if her husband can't afford it

Definitely...but then I think most knew that pages ago..
Just played along, call it helping OP to while away a few hours of boredom...

We are all missing the point here:

The issue is your sister won’t pay her way so lets you pay for everything and also takes money from her parents for luxuries.

You ask her why and she is non-committal and makes excuses as to why she can’t pay for stuff or has to borrow money.

You are reading between the lines here and assuming he won’t tell her: as it’s the only way to explain HER behaviour. She’s skirting over it as she does not want you to dig any deeper.

This is all a load of BS. She’s fine, they just want some of your money.

I am actually feeling sorry for the 2 men married into your family both expected to fund their family

Totally this! I’m wondering if the BIL is a very unhappy man trapped with this entitled leech!

I don't think she is trying to keep up with me or that she's jealous. I really don't think that. And her DH doesn't sare about mine because there has been so much negative narrative (mainly driven by my parents) over the years that there is a rift and we haven't seen him in ages. But basically yes, if she gets divorced, the assumption by my parents is that my DH (or we) will sort her out. Because apparently he is a bottomless pit, no amount is too large for him. In fact, we should have paid off everyone's mortgages years ago (there was a massive row when, funnily enough, this did not happen). They 'can't understand' why we didn't do this. I don't know, it all crazy. But that's families, I guess.

I am worried about her future and I do think her DH is controlling though.

Are you parents an issue? Is your sister a golden child perhaps?

The responsible thing to do, if they are worried about their daughter's future, is to encourage her to get a full time job. Why do you all seem so allergic to this idea? It's what people do!

Oh give over he isn't controlling her just isn't bending to your families ways of doing things.