This marriage is financial abuse - AIBU?

[catstaff47]

This is about a friend. I think she is being financially abused by her DH. I will try to give the facts as she described it -

1. He earns about £120k she earns about £12k (working p/t to be around for teens).

2. He pays the mortgage and bills. There is a food shopping account into which he puts about £150 per week (for 4 people and several pets).

3. Apart from this, she lives off the £1k per month she earns - even though she buys a lot of the kids stuff out of this as well because he will not.

4. She has no idea how much money he has saved or where and he will not tell her!

5. If she runs out of money in a given month, she will take / borrow from other people rather than just ask him - her own husband!

That's about it.

I could not imagine living like this and don't know how she has accepted it for so long. To me she has been somehow conditioned to think it's ok. I have told her this (gently), but I don't think she will do anything about it or leave him. Plus I think he must be beyond help to even do this in the first place.

AIBU and what would you say to her?

It’s been established that the OP shares parents with the person in question. I do also recall the OP saying they were well off with family money. So slight disconnect perhaps.

In truth I believe the OP has a similar situation and a generous husband and cannot imagine why anyone would be made to work in the first place, let alone have to scrimp on theatre tickets.

You’ve asked the question in a forum of normal people. Perhaps take it over to the online forum of ‘The Lady’ or some other sort of publication, next to posts about ‘lack of decent help these days.’

You keep saying he can easily afford x and y, but you also said their house is £1 million and his salary is 120k.

Mortgage payments on a 120k house potentially £4-5k. Salary £6k a month roughly, after pension/any student loans, so there’s him already down to £1.5k with all the bills still to pay.

He pays for the mortgage and bills and food (albeit a tight budget) and she's taking money from others to pay for things rather than get a full time job? I can understand why her DH doesn't give her more money as he pays for enough. If she takes money from family I can only imagine what she'd do if all the finances were joint!

OP I think your friend is closer to being the financial abusive one.

I wonder why she's telling you all this. Does she want money from you too?

If she’s so miserable with her current set up, why does she not divorce him? Is that not the obvious answer?

Indeed, surely if she thinks he's hoarding wealth and hiding it from her divorce would likely be a good deal for her financially?

Also not everyone has to have joint accounts.

Yes I have offered to talk to her DH about this and get his perspective.l in Thd hope if moving forwards. I would do that because, as I say, this is affecting elderly people, Not just financially, they are really stressed about their daughter's future and I hear about all this in an almost daily basis, like a broken record, on and on and on. I would talk to him, but she doesn't want that (fair enough).

It might well come to her divorcing him.

I asked her the other day to imagine herself in 10 / 15 years time when the kids are gone and he is retired. Will he be living in his pension and not sharing that? Wouldn't surprise me - this is how petty he could be. She couldn't answer.

Of course she doesn’t want you to ask him. Because then you’ll find out the truth.

So she expects his pension that’s he’s worked his whole life for to fund her too instead of having her own decent pension by increasing her hours.

She sounds delightful.

With respect, OP, you have not taken on board anything anyone has said that does not fit your narrative.

It’s her marriage, leave her to it, she is not being abused but her husband is a bit of a twat. She likely has known this all along and no amount of talking to him is going to change it.

Your parents need to say no to her, stop complaining to you and she can do what she wishes with the life she has left.

I believe she sees your parents as the soft option, has no idea they are complaining or worried, and just wants her cake and eat it. Stop enabling her.

Of course she doesn't want it because its crap. I bet she is jealous of you because you can maintain your lifestyle without the need to work. She has to work even though its only a small number of hours to be able to have a similar amount of leisure activities to you. Not because her DH is controlling or abusive but because he simply doesn't earn enough to cover everything and her family seem to think he should

Purplethursdays123

Fair enough. I agree. There is nothing I can do

You've offered
But not gone ahead and actually spoken to him.

Your friend seems to be refusing any kind of help from her friends that's sent her way, except taking money, she's OK with taking their money.

What had she told you when you're asked if she could pay back what she owes you?

You seem to be the one suffering and it’s not fair. I had a similar thing with parents and one sibling and they refused to stop handing over dosh so the sibling got all the money, no complaining and I got no money and and a world of pain for months / years on end. I had to stop talking to them for a while as they wouldn’t stop complaining or do anything about it.

She would probably have to pay me if I asked, but then I'd be persona non gratis in the family because the narrative is she is financially abused and I need to help her. My husband has been told he needs to start saving for her too - to buy her a house!

What else should he be paying for?!

Wow.

Please tell me you’re joking. Do not do pay anything towards a house for her. She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet instead of expecting everyone to fund her!!

My husband has been told he needs to start saving for her too-to buy her a house!

Sorry, what? Who told your husband this?

Is there any part of you that thinks she’s manipulative OP? Sounds like she’s manipulating everyone around her to get what she wants.

Suggest a sit down meeting with her and your parents.

Promise you, this is all a load of cobblers. She will not do it. She is taking the pee out of all of you and you’ve only just worked it out.

Does she have difficulty with being criticised? Fly off the handle or cry if confronted?

I think because she is keeping so much info from you Op and since none of us are there to witness the relationship dynamic it’s so hard to judge.
He could be the king of coercive control and as a victim and she knows not to ask. Or when she was a SAHM maybe she couldn’t manage the finances properly, had a gambling problem or even a spending problem so again she knows she’s not allowed to ask for money.

His mental health issues could be very valid, if he’s making that kind of money he’s working a high pressure job and taking on the full financial mental load.
Taking more of the family mental load is not unusual for the person who works less. She’s chosen to work less to be there for the teenagers (which is not necessary). Unless he’s making her do that, then that is evidence she maybe a victim of abuse.
If I was you and your family I would try to encourage her to work some more hours and go over her budget so she can protect herself.

She won’t divorce him.

Your sister has no intention of ever funding her own lifestyle.

If she were my sister I would be bored to tears of listening to her moaning about her privileged life. I would be reducing contact and if I ever went out with her for lunch or a coffee, make it very clear that I would not be paying for her.

But she shouldn't spend money she can't afford to! That is a basic life rule for us all. You cut your cloth appropriately.

There are two issues here:

1. you seem to be equating needs with wants. All of your sister's needs are taken care of, and she has £1,000 a month for wants. If she can't afford endless another luxuries, that's entirely reasonable - she should be budgeting for her luxuries.
2. you are assuming the husband is rich/has lots more disposable income than your sister. This is almost certainly untrue, as has been illustrated by many of us on this thread. You seem to have very little idea about how money and tax and mortgages work.

This must be a wind up.