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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This marriage is financial abuse - AIBU?

618 replies

catstaff47 · 19/10/2024 19:43

This is about a friend. I think she is being financially abused by her DH. I will try to give the facts as she described it -

  1. He earns about £120k she earns about £12k (working p/t to be around for teens).

  2. He pays the mortgage and bills. There is a food shopping account into which he puts about £150 per week (for 4 people and several pets).

  3. Apart from this, she lives off the £1k per month she earns - even though she buys a lot of the kids stuff out of this as well because he will not.

  4. She has no idea how much money he has saved or where and he will not tell her!

  5. If she runs out of money in a given month, she will take / borrow from other people rather than just ask him - her own husband!

That's about it.

I could not imagine living like this and don't know how she has accepted it for so long. To me she has been somehow conditioned to think it's ok. I have told her this (gently), but I don't think she will do anything about it or leave him. Plus I think he must be beyond help to even do this in the first place.

AIBU and what would you say to her?

OP posts:
PicturePlace · 20/10/2024 09:56

catstaff47 · 20/10/2024 08:18

But if she has say, £240 per week - out if that she gives the kids lunch money each day (she has told me this) - she gives them £5 per day and there's 2 of them so that's £50 per week. Then they will go out at weekends or after school so that will cost her. Supposing that's another £20 each per week (as a very conservative estimate). So m that brings her down to say, £160. Then she pays a tutor, £50 pw. Su she is left with £100 for food top ups, clothes, phone contracts - everything. What if one of them needs boots , or a coat, or school uniform, or books for school, or a haircut or just anything? They are HIS kids as much as hers. Every month is different, some months will be more expensive than others. It shouldn't all be on her to manage the variable costs of the DC - not when she has a husband who earns at least £120k , probably more. Who carries on like this with 2 kids? It's insane.

I guess she could not say yes to every request her kids make? Like the rest of us. And both DH and I are high earners. We still budget, FGS.

MightSoundCrassButItsFactual · 20/10/2024 09:56

She does not need add log in her fire. He pays for it all, she has a home, food, holidays and all that and she has to be home for the mentally ill kid. This is her life. What else could she be doing with that fate????

PicturePlace · 20/10/2024 09:57

catstaff47 · 20/10/2024 08:18

But if she has say, £240 per week - out if that she gives the kids lunch money each day (she has told me this) - she gives them £5 per day and there's 2 of them so that's £50 per week. Then they will go out at weekends or after school so that will cost her. Supposing that's another £20 each per week (as a very conservative estimate). So m that brings her down to say, £160. Then she pays a tutor, £50 pw. Su she is left with £100 for food top ups, clothes, phone contracts - everything. What if one of them needs boots , or a coat, or school uniform, or books for school, or a haircut or just anything? They are HIS kids as much as hers. Every month is different, some months will be more expensive than others. It shouldn't all be on her to manage the variable costs of the DC - not when she has a husband who earns at least £120k , probably more. Who carries on like this with 2 kids? It's insane.

For example, my kids would be making their own lunches most days, from the weekly grocery shop. Not spending £5 each per day on eating out. That's wild!

PicturePlace · 20/10/2024 09:58

catstaff47 · 20/10/2024 08:23

How can it be right to not share money with your wife? How can it be ok to not tell your wife how much money you have saved (or not)?

Getting a full time job may give her a bit more money, sure. But that won't solve the issue. She will still have a DH who treats her as a separate financial entity - who is secretive snd inflexible.

But she needs to be contributing more if she wants an even better lifestyle. Her working more hours to earn more is exactly the issue, actually.

Original poster
catstaff47 · 20/10/2024 09:58

Yes they will need to budget. So do that together then, like normal married adults with 2 mutual children.

OP posts:
MightSoundCrassButItsFactual · 20/10/2024 09:58

as I posted before, shared bank account is not a marriage bees knees and the women who boast have shared account and spend as they want but only the husband brings in the money are liars, because that husband knows what he is going through to bring that money and this wife has no choice but agree with him for her spending habits. A wife does not take financial decisions alone even if she is on the account.

HFJ · 20/10/2024 09:59

howshouldibehave · 20/10/2024 09:54

The elderly parents recently gave her quite a lot of money as they are getting super-stressed about her and feel she is being financially abused. They also paid for a holiday for her

They’d have been far better off telling her to get a full time job.

I would imagine she is far better off financially now, than she would be if they split up. Honestly, she is sounding worse with each post-blagging money off friends, accepting large sums of money and a holiday from her parents, just because she thinks she doesn’t have enough spending money! It’s all sounding rather Verucca Salt. Perhaps her husband is getting rather fed up of being the cash cow!

If they split up, there is a likelihood she would not be able to pay for legal representation. so, he would retain full ownership of the house, the pension and be able to ensure he has the children with him full time (because he has the means to). In the meantime, she ends up in a rented flat, with no pension, and half her meagre salary going to him in child maintenance.

It happens.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 20/10/2024 10:00

catstaff47 · 20/10/2024 09:18

I am not the friend. If this was me, I would say. It's an anonymous forum. Also, I would know myself why I couldn't ads my husband for money, if that were the case.

I will be honest though - I am actually talking about a relative. A very close relative. I don't want to say more than that.

Yes I am over-invested, but this is because I care and a lot of people in the family are wondering what's going on and nobody can work it out. This has been going on a long time. People are stuck between feeling worried but also taken advantage of at times. It's confusing. So the speculation goes round and round and round. It's a saga basically and it's draining. So I thought I'd ask on here for outsider perspectives.

The things you know for sure are that your relative has £1000 of income per month for non essentials and that she feels entitled to use her family and friends money to pay for non essentials for herself no matter how little those people earn. Him being abusive wouldn't change the fact that her entitled behaviour towards her family and friends money is not ok. You seem to think that if she had more money she wouldn't behave this way so this makes it all his fault. Whereas what many of us are trying to tell you is her behaviour is her responsibility and she should be behaving like a caring friend/relative regardless and that her behaviour tells you a lot about her as a person. If we were talking about a man you'd have majority people saying to LTB and calling him a cocklodger. Even if her husband is abusive that would not justify the way she treats people. Given how she treats people you can't infer he is unreasonable and abusive, the problem may well be her or both of them, but it's definetly not just him.

MightSoundCrassButItsFactual · 20/10/2024 10:00

We don't need a shared account here but we know how much we have in our personal and just agree and pay it. It is a very tight unit here because we have had a kid with needs and such a life requires all hands on deck - this is the family moto I agree with. Pestering each other for money is a sign of a bad not good marriage.

howshouldibehave · 20/10/2024 10:00

And she will still be in the dark about the overall financial picture.

Well, she needs to use her words and have a grown up conversation with him, then-rather than bleeding her parents dry.

If he’s truly not very nice, maybe it’s best if they divorce. That would probably mean she will be working full time, in a much smaller house, with far less spending money than now though, so going on past experiences with her, I’d tell your parents to get ready with their wallets out!

Original poster
catstaff47 · 20/10/2024 10:01

No, what happens when you have joint accounts is you trust each other and respect each other. Nobody is going to take advantage. It isn't like that. Your priorities as parents are the same - ie. what is best for the children.

OP posts:
lolly792 · 20/10/2024 10:02

Sounds like a financial abuse towards her parents if she's happily taking their money because she feels entitled to have more nice things without even working full time

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 20/10/2024 10:03

*The elderly parents recently gave her quite a lot of money as they are getting super-stressed about her and feel she is being financially abused. They also paid for a holiday for her. I missed that, the way she treats her parents is appalling. *

PicturePlace · 20/10/2024 10:03

HFJ · 20/10/2024 08:37

His n’ hers calculation

His: 120k is around 6k a month after tax. After mortgage, bills and family food ‘allowance’, this leaves arround 3k a month to spend on anything he likes for himself (or save). If he’s saving all of this, he may have half a million stashed away.

Hers: 1k a month to spend on herself and the children.

There is a huge imbalance here, not just in terms of financial freedom, but also pension entitlements since he’s probably built a significant pension through his work.

Being a SAHM is a big financial sacrifice. This lady is also trapped and the set up suggests a form of control is at play.

I’d be interested to know whether the mortgage is in both names.

You reckon it only costs £3k a month to pay the mortgage and all bills on a £1m house? You're having a laugh. Our outgoings on a £850k house are >£4k. On a £1m house, they could easily be £4.5-£5k a month.

AdviceNeeded2024 · 20/10/2024 10:03

catstaff47 · 20/10/2024 10:01

No, what happens when you have joint accounts is you trust each other and respect each other. Nobody is going to take advantage. It isn't like that. Your priorities as parents are the same - ie. what is best for the children.

Sounds like she’s the one taking advantage here, not him.

Original poster
catstaff47 · 20/10/2024 10:04

I do agree with pp that she is responsible for her own behaviour / letting family sub her. I definitely agree with that. If it were me, I just wouldn't go!

OP posts:
5128gap · 20/10/2024 10:04

catstaff47 · 20/10/2024 09:34

I don't know why she feels she can't ask him about money. It seems simple to me - but that's irrelevant as I'm not in her marriage dynamic. I have tried asking her this, many times. She gets evasive, defensive or changes the subject. Most recently, she said she does need to talk to him, but she needs to wait until the time is right. When I once asked her if he would be transparent with her about money if she asked, she just looked blank and said 'I don't know.'

On what planet is that normal?

Some family members go on and on about him as a petulant, controlling bd basically. So I hear this all the time. Everyone has stories about how he never pays for anything and his petty he is about money.

Perhaps he's secretive because he's a private person and knows that his wife has a friend who is extremely invested in their financial situation, and to whom his wife apparantly gives chapter and verse?

PicturePlace · 20/10/2024 10:05

Being a SAHM is a big financial sacrifice. This lady is also trapped and the set up suggests a form of control is at play.

I think you mean a big financial luxury, in this case.

And she is not trapped. There is literally nothing stopping her from working full time.

lolly792 · 20/10/2024 10:05

@5128gap very good point!

MightSoundCrassButItsFactual · 20/10/2024 10:05

Purplethursdays123 · 20/10/2024 09:43

I personally wouldn’t, but then I would never have married anyone who was tight. It’s my least fave thing.

You are blaming him, and he’s the one paying for everything. You need to step outside.

yes because really is getting ugly - you involve your sister, your parents, her husband, her kids on here while you should be making sure YOUR OWN BUDGET AND HUBBY relationship is right

there is no law that says how a family finance should be exactly organised.
A loving relationships balances things out and when you have all hands on deck, everyone does what they are capable of - read about marriages of ND women who hardly cope socially but are greatly loved by their husbands and the husband protect that wife

Hellskitchen24 · 20/10/2024 10:06

If she’s so miserable with her current set up, why does she not divorce him? Is that not the obvious answer?

I will tell you exactly why she WON’T divorce him unless he himself really pushed for it. Because she could not imagine herself living in a two bed flat or terrace like most of us mere mortals, paying a hefty mortgage, and working full time to support herself. Paying all the bills on top, while still supporting her teenage children. This is reality for most of the world and she’s been shielded from this her entire marriage.

Instead she wants MORE money to fund her wonderful lifestyle, and now she’s got her claws in assuming her husband is squandering money away from her when in reality with his outgoings, I bet he’s got nothing.

Shes an able bodied woman who has plenty of options but she’s used to the princess life. She won’t ever change, and she will hassle your elderly parents for as long as they keep enabling her. A massive reality check is required.

HaveYouSeenRain · 20/10/2024 10:06

catstaff47 · 20/10/2024 10:01

No, what happens when you have joint accounts is you trust each other and respect each other. Nobody is going to take advantage. It isn't like that. Your priorities as parents are the same - ie. what is best for the children.

Is it best for the children to keep asking for money and her constantly giving in or for them to learn to budget? I guess the children learned from her to keep asking for money until someone gives it to you. She is taking you all for a ride. Stop feeling sorry for your kept sister in her 1M mansion.

roaringmouse · 20/10/2024 10:06

howshouldibehave · 20/10/2024 09:46

You are blaming him, and he’s the one paying for everything. You need to step outside.

This.

Some family members go on and on about him as a petulant, controlling bd basically. So I hear this all the time. Everyone has stories

It sounds like your family hate him! If he’s really tight or horrible, why did she marry him? If he has suddenly become horrible, she can leave-she’d still have to work full time then though!

This is such a shockingly ignorant post.

If only life were as simple as "why did she marry him?" and "she can leave!", we wouldn't have any kind of domestic abuse to worry about.

Mill3nnial · 20/10/2024 10:09

I don't think he's financially abusive when their children are teenagers and in school. Why doesn't she work more? For all I know he thinks she should work. Being a SAHM when kids are young is one thing but she needs to work full time if she wants more money! He already pays the mortgage and bills. Sorry your friend seems to want everything.

Crumpleton · 20/10/2024 10:09

TBH your friend sounds like she's the one that is taking the piss, to continue asking your friends/elderly parents to borrow money and probably at the time of borrowing know she's never going to pay it back, she's a card...

As its been said she could quite easily solve this by either getting a full time job or divorcing her DH, but no she chooses to scrounge and make out she's being financially abused, or is that just your take on it.

You seem so invested in your dear friends financial situation and so determined that she's being abused have you ever thought of approaching her DH yourself and telling him you're concerned about her as she's so worried that she can't even afford a coffee for herself or repay the kindness of others lending her, at times large amounts of money, due to her having to spend all of her wages on THEIR DC and other household things.

You may just make him realise how selfish he's being towards her.