This marriage is financial abuse - AIBU?

[catstaff47]

This is about a friend. I think she is being financially abused by her DH. I will try to give the facts as she described it -

1. He earns about £120k she earns about £12k (working p/t to be around for teens).

2. He pays the mortgage and bills. There is a food shopping account into which he puts about £150 per week (for 4 people and several pets).

3. Apart from this, she lives off the £1k per month she earns - even though she buys a lot of the kids stuff out of this as well because he will not.

4. She has no idea how much money he has saved or where and he will not tell her!

5. If she runs out of money in a given month, she will take / borrow from other people rather than just ask him - her own husband!

That's about it.

I could not imagine living like this and don't know how she has accepted it for so long. To me she has been somehow conditioned to think it's ok. I have told her this (gently), but I don't think she will do anything about it or leave him. Plus I think he must be beyond help to even do this in the first place.

AIBU and what would you say to her?

So the holiday that the parents paid for was it her share of the family holiday, did the DH say right we are off to x for our holiday it costs 5k I will pay my share, you pay yours and DC. Or was it something she wanted to do with the DC that didn't involve him or he had said they couldn't afford.

So presumably this ‘very close’ family relative is your sister and the elderly parents she’s taking money are your parents.

Even if you think you know the ins and outs of a marriage, you are still only getting her side of things.

She could be terrible with money and budgeting which is why he does it all. She could have run up debts! He might be really struggling being the main bread winner whilst she fancies working part time. He might secretly want her to work full time to share the load.

We don’t know because she is seemingly unable to speak to him.

If she comes to you for advice, tell her to get a full time job asap. Teenagers don’t need her at home the minute they get in get in from school.

Everyone has stories about how he never pays for anything

Well, that’s clearly not true is it. He pays for all of the ongoing household expenses for the whole family!

He may be paying the mortgage and bills. So what? He does nothing else.

The bar does not need to be this ollow and I'm surprised how many people would put up with that kind of set-up.

Do you know how many people actually DREAM of this set up?

Every single bill paid for and £1000 a month to spend is literally what most people would LOVE to have.

It really is that simple.

I personally wouldn’t, but then I would never have married anyone who was tight. It’s my least fave thing.

You are blaming him, and he’s the one paying for everything. You need to step outside.

You are having laugh now! Some of us actually work and contribute to household bills and mortgage and raise kids. Yes very low bar to be able to work PT and live in a huge house and never worry about bills.

Do you fritter money too, and that's the reason you defend your relative so much? Because you think this level of spending is normal? It is difficult to be sympathetic with someone who says that they have to give £5 each day to each kid for lunch and then give random amounts of money every time the kids ask for it.

We have a similar income (slightly less but no big difference) and I am not buying meal deals every day, it is absolutely a waste of money, it is ridiculous to do that with two kids every day. I am surprised that you think this is normal spending and are not outraged at you relative asking pensioners from the family to fund that. The normal thing would be for your relative to ask the kids to take a packed lunch, maybe given them the £5 just once a week for example. Definitely that before asking pensioners to fund daily meal deals!

The fact that the husband earns that, doesnt mean he has to be happy spending the money like that, just because he can afford it. My DH is the higher earner and nearly always takes a packed lunch. We rather do overpayments than waste the money that way.

You are blaming him, and he’s the one paying for everything. You need to step outside.

This.

Some family members go on and on about him as a petulant, controlling bd basically. So I hear this all the time. Everyone has stories

It sounds like your family hate him! If he’s really tight or horrible, why did she marry him? If he has suddenly become horrible, she can leave-she’d still have to work full time then though!

Have you thought that if he is earning £120k plus he’ll be working long hours in a very very stressful job.

He pays all the bills, mortgage (which will be massive on a £1m property) utilities etc plus £600 a month on food.

Meanwhile his wife works 3 days a week, school hours only, when she doesn’t need to and could work FT as the children are now teenagers. They could also get a job as well for their own pocket money.

And yet, this isn’t enough, they all want more of his cash.

Perhaps he feels used, like a cash cow for the family. Sounds like they all want him to fund their lifestyle because he earns well. Maybe he’s stressed about this.

You refuse to answer why none of them can contribute more financially but to be honest I think from what details you've given, why should all the financial burden fall to him?

The elderly parents recently gave her quite a lot of money as they are getting super-stressed about her and feel she is being financially abused. They also paid for a holiday for her for the same reason. They paid for everything. He knows this. He knows they are pensioners, I think 2 things - she shouldn't have accepted the money. And he should pay them back - because he can easily afford to.

I can’t even remember last time I asked my mum for money. The friend has no shame, and I am sure her DH knows what she is like with money

Him not paying for a holiday for her is not financial abuse FFS.

she shouldn't have accepted the money

Agree.

And he should pay them back

Disagree. She should get a full time job and pay them back.

Once again, because you don't seem to understand: £1,000 a month for frivolities is not a "limited budget".

And once again, because you have ignored this point several times: If she wants EVEN MORE money to spend on luxuries, then why doesn't she work more hours to earn it? Why should her husband fund her life of high luxury?

Let’s put it another way.

She starts to mind as much as you, they have words and decide to separate.

Things are spilt and she gets all the equity in the house and buys a house half the size with a small mortgage of £100k. No spousal support as she can work full time.

Mortgage - £500 a month. Bills etc £600 a month. Food £500 a month.

She works full time and earns £25k - £1780 a month. Child support of £500 maybe.

£2380 - £1600 = £780 a month to so with as she pleases.

Has she considered

• working more
• asking kids to get PT jobs
• spending less on things like take aways

or was it easier to get money out of pensioners?

It’s all working out quite well for her in real life then, isn’t it? Plenty of people to step in to top up her lifestyle so she doesn’t have to work full time.

Maybe he doesn’t pay for things because he doesn’t have £1k a month disposable income? Maybe out of his £6k a month salary, he’s paying £3k a month mortgage, £500 a month on car finance, £500 on debt/credit card repayments, £600 a month on food and £1k a month on insurances/council tax/utilities/commuting costs/petrol. Meanwhile his wife is frittering money away on frivolities and telling anyone who will listen she’s being financially abused?

OP, money is not limitless. It sounds like he would have around the same amount of spending money as her per month, perhaps less, on that salary with that house and associated bills. You haven't a clue!

Please visit the charity Surviving Economic Abuse (SEA) for a fuller understanding of the issue.

Not sure that 99% of posters agree with you. The poll results suggest something different.

I've not said that the situation OP has outlined is abusive, or isn't. In previous posts I've said there's not enough information to know.

But your focus on how much money the woman has left 'after bills', as being the measure by which we can know if she is suffering detriment, shows a failure to appreciate how financial and economic abuse can play out in intimate relationships, and the impact on women and children from all walks of life.

She could get a full time job and she must probably will.

But the crux issue remains. A controlling husband who thinks like a petulant child - 'my money is secret, earn your own.' - is not going to change because she works a few more hours!

She will still be living like the poor relation in that house - relative to him. And she will still be in the dark about the overall financial picture.

This, in my view, is untenable. I don't know how she ever accepted this in the first place.

So 16 pages in and we find out what this post is about you don't like your BIL .

Well, I wouldn't choose to live like the 'close friend' but then I partnered a man with shared values. He saw child related and domestic things as just as much his responsibility and I saw going to work as just as much my responsibility. That meant I've always worked, apart from short periods of mat leave. Yes it meant spending shed loads on childcare when the children were small but it meant dh and I could balance things in our lives and not fall into the trap of one of us earning massive amounts and the other defaulting to doing everything to do with kids and home.

Quite frankly, if he's got responsibility for earning over 100k while she gets to work just 3 days a week with teenage kids; he has responsibility for paying the mortgage, all the bills for the house they both live in, and puts £150 a week towards food shopping, while she has £1000 a month without any of those responsibilities (and considerably more time off to do nice things with the money!) then frankly, she knows which side her bread's buttered!

In short- no;

The elderly parents recently gave her quite a lot of money as they are getting super-stressed about her and feel she is being financially abused. They also paid for a holiday for her

They’d have been far better off telling her to get a full time job.

I would imagine she is far better off financially now, than she would be if they split up. Honestly, she is sounding worse with each post-blagging money off friends, accepting large sums of money and a holiday from her parents, just because she thinks she doesn’t have enough spending money! It’s all sounding rather Verucca Salt. Perhaps her husband is getting rather fed up of being the cash cow!

In short, no I wouldn't want to be her, but neither would I want to be him, working full time and having all that financial responsibility while she does a little part time job