This marriage is financial abuse - AIBU?

[catstaff47]

This is about a friend. I think she is being financially abused by her DH. I will try to give the facts as she described it -

1. He earns about £120k she earns about £12k (working p/t to be around for teens).

2. He pays the mortgage and bills. There is a food shopping account into which he puts about £150 per week (for 4 people and several pets).

3. Apart from this, she lives off the £1k per month she earns - even though she buys a lot of the kids stuff out of this as well because he will not.

4. She has no idea how much money he has saved or where and he will not tell her!

5. If she runs out of money in a given month, she will take / borrow from other people rather than just ask him - her own husband!

That's about it.

I could not imagine living like this and don't know how she has accepted it for so long. To me she has been somehow conditioned to think it's ok. I have told her this (gently), but I don't think she will do anything about it or leave him. Plus I think he must be beyond help to even do this in the first place.

AIBU and what would you say to her?

“I am the main earner in the house. I pay all the bills, the mortgage, and I put £150 a week into the household account for groceries. DH only works part time, he earns approx £1000 a month, and from that he buys things the kids need, although I do also contribute to that. Today I’ve found out that he’s been borrowing money from his friends which he hasn’t paid back, as well as from his family, and they’ve accused me of financial abuse.”

How would that one go down I wonder.

The lengths people are going to to defend this woman are astounding. £1000 a month, to spend on whatever she wants, and she’s pissed that she has to support her own children when she has no other bills to pay, and she’s scrounging money regularly from her friends and low earning relatives which she then isn’t paying back.

And she bloody well should be able to feed a family for £600 a month.

@NotOneOfTheInCrowd your dh shouldn't have to contribute to anything, it's literal violence to expect an adult human to continue to their general life costs.
You should be happy they're happy to be a free loading scum bag willing to live off you.

He can't be that controlling if he is happy for her to go out for coffee lunch theatre and weekends away on a regular basis.
And given that OP said she doesn't ask to borrow money she just sits back and only pays her share if asked it would seem she does have money after all.

We always had separate accounts - I was the higher earner

we put 30 percent of our wages each which covered bills and food ) we put 20 percent of our wages in to cover children’s stuff that months and savings. The other 50 percent was our separate accounts, never knew how much he saved and vice versa and no unless an emergency I wouldn’t lend him money 🤣🤣

Not really, we are a family of 4 with a cat. We spend on average £60 a week on food and cleaning etc.i wouldn't know what to do with £150 a week

No they can still have their own accounts for personal spending money but wages should go in to a joint account which would pay for all bills, food and most importantly all of the kids costs. Then split whatevers left in to each personal account for independent spending money.

That's an extremely low amount, on the food shopping thread a few weeks ago no one was spending as low as £60 on a family of 4.

Sounds like he's treating her as staff, not a partner. I wouldn't say financial abuse but am unequal relationship for sure.

Those aren't the actions of a friend, they're the actions of someone who is entitled and selfish. I'd start to just do free activities with her and see if she sticks around when you're not paying for her to socialise with you. Taking money off relatives who don't have much when it's for non essentials are the actions of someone who is entitled and selfish. Whether he is abusive or not is incidental to these actions. She's choosing to use others for money, she's choosing to put her non essentials purchases ahead of the needs of her relatives with their own money. I wouldn't be friends with someone who could do that. Her actions of selfish and entitled. If she didn't do these things I might sympathise with her but given how she's treating her family and friends I have no sympathy for her.

But which bit has he actually done wrong himself?

But why should he give half his money to someone who chooses to work part time and who contributes almost nothing?

This is a woman who has £1000 a month to herself, who does contribute towards the kids, but freeloads off her friends and family, and the fact she doesn’t actually offer to pay shows that she doesn’t think she should have to.

Perhaps her DH should ask how much she has in savings, because she’s clearly not spending it.

I don't understand all the defensive replies.

Plenty of women on MN and in RL even those with older DCs or even no DCs at home choose not to work at all and live off their DH's earnings.

This woman does work and I bet that she does all the chores, taxiing for DCs and life admin to facilitate her DH's big job.

I think it's very sad that a couple who have been married long enough to have teenagers together do not share finances and says a lot about the man's character.

I think the fact that OP is clearly well off, and the dramatic reaction of the mother…..

I think the OP is being used and the mother is aware of it and all the drama is a smokescreen.

This woman never puts her hand in her pocket to pay. Never. This is the most bizarre thing I’ve ever heard and makes me disbelieve everything else.

Who regularly meets friends for food and coffee and doesn’t even offer to pay their way, or at least make it look like they want to pay the whole thing? There is no way on earth she hasn’t had the ability to pay for a lunch. If you truly were embarrassed - you wouldn’t keep going out penniless.

I think she’s lying and the OP is quizzing her and it’s getting harder to justify her grifting ways.

iShe has £250 PW for her self, all bills are paid. and ultimately, I would imagine, whatever he saved she will benefit from in their retirement. Personally, I would be asking to know what our financial position is, but this set up is fairly common from what I can observe.

I don’t have £250 pocket per month, nevermind per week to spend on whatever I want. We’re a family of four, £150 woulr be almost two weeks worth of shopping.

Surely the person choosing not to contribute to the household is the financially abusive one, not the one paying all the bills.

Why does she often have no money? Has she got a problem with spending/a shopping addiction? How is £250 a week for luxuries and treats not enough?

And why on earth doesn't she get a full time job if she wants even more money?

Perhaps your friend has a gambling issue that she hasn't mentioned to anyone. She has £250 per week to spend on sundries etc. Even with factoring in some clothes for her/kids that is still lots of money. Why does she 'need' to borrow money from anyone? Maybe her DH suspects she's frittering it away on shite...

He's presumably paying for mortgage, council tax, water bills, gas and electricity, broadband for wifi for the house.

I'm failing to see how £150 a week isn't plenty to feed a family of 4?

@catstaff47 gain your boundaries and don't lend your friend any money - especially as you say she doesn't pay you back. Perhaps it's you who is being financially abused by your friend! As for the 'secrecy' in their marriage - as it stands, it's not any of your business and your friend needs to live her own life. You can't do it for her.

I assume it means she needs to around more to ‘manage’ the child as the husband seemingly is unable to deal with them.

They’re teenagers.

When they’re little it makes sense but not when they’re teens.

Anyway, she shouldn't even have to ask him. It's hers anyway as they are married.

Wow, his money is absolutely not "hers". I would hit the roof if my husband felt entitled to just spend all my money because it is "his".

Being married means coming to a sensible arrangement where both people contribute and can have fair joint access to money. It does not mean that one person gets to decide to work a handful of hours a week, and then completely drain the other person dry. £1,000 a month for shits and giggles is a lot of money to waste. He is entitled to some money as well, you know, he doesn't just have to hand everything straight over to her to spend. You have misunderstood marriage.

Yes, but I was talking about the teenager with MH/behavioural issues. The father can’t seem to cope/doesn’t want to be around. That’s the teen I was specifically talking about.

I think that’s quite rude that she just assumes you pay. She is clearly living over her means.

You friend doesn’t have a DH problem she has a problem managing her own money. What exactly is she spending £1k a month on?! I know teenagers will bleed you dry if you let them but are they costing her £250 a week? If so then she needs to do one of two things;

1. decide she is happy giving them all her money and stop doing coffees/lunches/treats for herself or
2. have some boundaries with the teenagers, set a budget for their spending and for her own and stick to it.