This marriage is financial abuse - AIBU?

[catstaff47]

This is about a friend. I think she is being financially abused by her DH. I will try to give the facts as she described it -

1. He earns about £120k she earns about £12k (working p/t to be around for teens).

2. He pays the mortgage and bills. There is a food shopping account into which he puts about £150 per week (for 4 people and several pets).

3. Apart from this, she lives off the £1k per month she earns - even though she buys a lot of the kids stuff out of this as well because he will not.

4. She has no idea how much money he has saved or where and he will not tell her!

5. If she runs out of money in a given month, she will take / borrow from other people rather than just ask him - her own husband!

That's about it.

I could not imagine living like this and don't know how she has accepted it for so long. To me she has been somehow conditioned to think it's ok. I have told her this (gently), but I don't think she will do anything about it or leave him. Plus I think he must be beyond help to even do this in the first place.

AIBU and what would you say to her?

I still don’t understand how she is spending £1k a month as she is not contributing to bills, mortgage or most of food shopping. Sounds like she needs to budget better. I think there is a good reason he doesn’t just give her more money.

Even if paying for tutors and mental health support that should still leave quite a bit. Assuming they don’t need branded clothes every month! Maybe the teenagers should get a job or she should work FT

Thanks for all the replies. It's seems 30% think financial abuse / control, 70% think it's ok.

This thread was not about the fact that some families survive on less money. Of course they do. But I am specifically talking about a dynamic in THIS specific case..

I don't care how much he earns or doesn't. It's not about amounts of money, it's more about attitudes towards it. I can't understand how someone can be married for 20 years and not have shared money - or, worse than that, she can't even ask him for anything more than she earns herself. To me, that is insane and very unequal. Beyond ridiculous.

But maybe she puts up with his stinginess because she's a bit that way inclined herself? If she wasn't living on this limited budget, would she be different - eg, would she sometimes get the bill with friends / family etc. I don't know.

This is not financial abuse. Sticking to a limit of £150 a week for groceries is perfectly reasonable - it's more than I spend on my family of four, and we eat well (meat or fish at least 5 times a week).

Scanning the shopping as you go along is entirely normal; that's why supermarkets gave the scanners. Do you think they are only there to enable financial abusers?!

Maybe he needs to put a limit on it because your friend clearly has a spending problem.

Well someone has to pay the bills…

She absolutely would not be financially better off if she divorced him. Half the house, yes, but she only works a few hours a week and earns £12k a year. I think you'll find that she'd be on the breadline very soon in that scenario. She would obviously need to work considerably more hours.

This.

She needs to increase her hours.

What is her pension situation?

OP do you genuinely think she cannot afford to treat you to the occasional coffee or lunch? She lives in a million pound house and is a kept woman but for the pocket money she earns.

You are not taking any of the comments that she might be the problem and are still focusing on him, when it might not actually be true. Not everyone tells the truth, and those most likely to lie are those who paint themselves as victims when it does not add up.

How is someone who pays all the bills stingy?
How is someone with £1,000 pocket money every month on a limited budget?

If I was in a relationship with someone wasting a minimum of £1,000 a month I wouldn’t be sharing access to my accounts either, as they clearly have a big spending problem.

Wasting on what though? She’s taking money from other people and seemingly doesn’t pay her way. Sounds mental!!

But why is she coming out for expensive coffees/theatre etc if she has no money? Why doesn’t she suggest a walk/cuppa round someone’s house like the rest of us poor people? And she just sits there expecting to be paid for? She saw you coming mate

Yes I know many families spend less in a weekly food shop. But the point is - THIS family do not need to be so rigid.

A lot of 'her' money goes on extra food and incidentals - eg. kids bring friends home snd want to order pizza. The kids are constantly texting her all day, wanting £5 for this, or £10 for that. It just seems ridiculous to me to be living like that when they don't need to. She buys all the friends birthday gifts - everything that's not bills or this £150 - out of her pt salary. Whereas no other family I know on that type of family income carries on like this - all this his money, her money malarkey ... shopping money, £5 for this DC, £8 for that, asking elderly parents for emergency funds when you are nearly 50 ffs and your DH earns a very good salary (relative to the average in the U.K.).

The more I read the more I think this woman has savings accounts coming out her ears and just doesn’t like to pay for stuff.

someone I know is like this. Passive income, no responsibilities or outgoings and rarely puts her hand in her pocket.

Yes, and it seems the husband does. However, I don’t live in their house, like you, it’s all supposition and only what the OP has told us.

I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s just tight, she doesn’t pay any bills, so I wouldn’t be surprised if she just expects other people to fund her, so pretends she can’t afford a coffee. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve seen it.

Sorry she is taking you for a ride. She can’t “afford” lunch or coffee with you, but assumes you pay for her but is happy to spend on dominoes for her teenagers friends. Clearly she can’t budget properly or reign her kids in.

I understand why the DH does not want to subsidise birthday presents and take aways.

Her DH is paying towards the kids though. He’s paying for a roof over their head and food in their tummies, the Wifi, electricity to charge their phones etc. After he’s paid a huge amount of tax (and her income is below the personal tax allowance), I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he has less disposable income than she does each month.

The DC sound a bit entitled, constantly asking for stuff and depending on their ages, should be thinking about getting PT jobs themselves. Our food shop for 2 adults, 2 teens and a cat is less than £150pm and we don’t scrimp on food. She has plenty of ‘spends’ each month, but I suspect she thinks her DH is ‘rich’ on that salary and is expecting higher standard of life than they can actually afford.

Maybe she's ashamed of her spending habits? Maybe it would cause a fight because she flitters away money? Have you ever considered that she is the problem here?

It would cause an argument between me and my husband if he was consistently overspending on £1,000 per month on luxuries. That's probably what she's trying to avoid.

I do take the point about her never offering to pay for things. It used to wind me up a lot. But now I just don't do it. I just tell her to pay for her own. Sometimes I've been quite blunt about it, but that's how it has to be, unfortunately.

Then that makes her sound like a sponger!

But they are sharing! She has £1k a month for shits and giggles!

But you've made that entire scenario up?

Hmmmm - If he is earning 100k a year then he should be contributing a hell of a lot more than £150 for food per week.

He is! He is paying the mortgage and all household bills as well!

The kids sound like they are becoming demanding and need to be told no to requests for takeaway pizza and texting her all day for money. She needs to stop expecting her friend to pay for her meals out!

If she worked full time, a lot of her issues would be solved really-earning more would make things simpler.

She works school hours three days a week...