This marriage is financial abuse - AIBU?

[catstaff47]

This is about a friend. I think she is being financially abused by her DH. I will try to give the facts as she described it -

1. He earns about £120k she earns about £12k (working p/t to be around for teens).

2. He pays the mortgage and bills. There is a food shopping account into which he puts about £150 per week (for 4 people and several pets).

3. Apart from this, she lives off the £1k per month she earns - even though she buys a lot of the kids stuff out of this as well because he will not.

4. She has no idea how much money he has saved or where and he will not tell her!

5. If she runs out of money in a given month, she will take / borrow from other people rather than just ask him - her own husband!

That's about it.

I could not imagine living like this and don't know how she has accepted it for so long. To me she has been somehow conditioned to think it's ok. I have told her this (gently), but I don't think she will do anything about it or leave him. Plus I think he must be beyond help to even do this in the first place.

AIBU and what would you say to her?

I think op, her df and some posters on here think its financial abuse that someone can't spend wherever/whatever on anything they want with impunity and if anyone questions it they're abusive? Especially if anyone mentions that the whinger should shudder.... work.......

So she does have money to pay ?

It is you who doesn't understand financial and economic abuse, given what you've written here. It affects women across all stratas of society and cannot be measured in the crude terms you've outlined.

If she has no money why is she going to the theatre etc. I have friends with more money than me. In some cases they are earning 10x the amount. I decline most of the expensive activities and do cheap things. They do the expensive stuff with their other friends. That is what normal people do. I wouldn't let a friend pay for something for me unless I was going to pay for them next time.

Also most people don't have 1000 a month left after all bills are paid. How is that not enough. She sounds like she has major issues in her marriage but also in her general behaviour.

Her husband's issues with money whatever the true story do not really explain her abuse of your generosity.

What kind of person does any of these things without sufficient funds to at least pay for themselves.

You're trying to say your friend can't even find a tenner a month out of a thousand pounds for a couple of coffees...

Most people I know that couldn't pay the own way, for whatever reason, wouldn't even be going out regularly for a coffer or lunch let alone to the theatre or a weekend away without putting their hand in their pocket.

That's just very odd....
Or she's very very convincing.

Wowser! I think her hubby is generous!
I earn £1,400 pm and have three kids (youngest is 4). I pay half of everything out of that - rent, food, bills, council tax etc. My hubby pays in to my account £1045 per month but does not unilaterally pay for anything.

Yeah I don’t think it’s as simple as she had a grand a month spending money just for her! Is she giving the kids lunch money /bus fare for school etc? That all adds up! My DC are a few years out of school but it was around £3 a day for lunches 2-3 yrs ago so probably £4-5 now. So that could be £200 pm, phone contracts for 3 maybe another £100+, do the kids get pocket money to budget or just asking for cash to go out with friends - cinema , McDonald’s / Nando's etc? That could be £20 pw per child. She could easily be spending £400+ pm just on kids expenses and that’s not including any regular sports/ hobbies that cost either! Then there’s haircuts, clothes, shoes etc. Maybe not £1000 pm every month but some months not much less. Does she pay for Xmas / Birthday gifts too ?

She has no bills to pay. And has £1k a month to spend on bits and pieces. It depends what the household expenses are before any judgement can be made.

@Hoardasauruskaren not a single thing there is a need.. everything a privileged want!

🤣🤣😂

I fully understand financial abuse can affect lots of people. I am not doubting that.

Financial or economic abuse is defined as controlling their finances to the point of detriment to them.

Where does the OP say he is controlling HER money? From what I have read, she has all of her income, all the household bills paid and money towards/to cover weekly food shopping. He isn’t letting her sprawl money endlessly.

In what way is having this amount of money after bills detrimental to their welfare?

99% of people on this post are saying similar to me.

@catstaff47 I have a friend in a similar situation but she's been trying to fight her way back in control. She sat her DH down and pointed out if he died she needed to have the financial information to look after their children she said having no information including passwords to online accounts would mean they could be left in a very difficult situation if anything happened to him.

She was also a SAHM for years and put her career on hold and then is trying to build herself back up. However you could tell he was resistant to it at first and his career has also come first which means her hours are limited and fit around childcare. She also gets an allowance and he's really tight with her which leads her to doing the same. I remember we took her away for a big birthday and paid for everything (v. Lavish trip) except the train journey (her cousin bought her ticket and my friend was supposed to pay her back) and he had the nerve to complain in front of us about how much the train ticket was and apparently my friend took ages to pay it back because her husband was only giving her £10 at a time and in the end the cousin just told her to leave it. Must have been really embarrassing I'd imagine.

I think women in these positions are naive about how much they're sacrificing and how vulnerable they are if the relationship was ever to break down. Of course I can tell they assume the relationship would never break down but then you get the threads on here of the fall out when they do, and the woman has no career and no financial clue...

As you said OP the SAHM actually does have a monetary value - childcare costs being saved could be up to £4000 a month (2 in nursery full time in london). They are essentially supporting the husband's advancement in his career, while sacrificing their own.

@Username197 don't you realise not getting what you want when you want it is abusive.....😭😭 boo and hoo....

From what you have said, it sounds like he is a controlling arse.

There are 2 sides to every story though and maybe if she has a history of overspending he feels like he has to control the situation a bit. My exh would probably tell you that I was controlling with money but my attitude was born from his overspending and not earning enough for his lifestyle.

From my very basic calculations it sounds like your friend's ex is bringing home £5400 a month. I wonder what their expenses are like though? What are their outgoings? They could very well be something like...
Mortgage £2000
Bills and debt £1000
Car payments £600
Plus you say he is spending £150 a week on food so £600 a month.
All that adds up to £4200 potentially. That gives me £1200 "fun money" which isn't far off his wife's amount.

As a simple comparison I'm a single parent on £33k plus a small benefits top up and child benefit, I don't receive any reliable maintenance from my ex but I manage to run a house and have a few luxuries. So I don't have much sympathy for someone who has £1000 a month to themselves yet can't afford a coffee when they meet up with a friend. One of my kids has issues which means he would well benefit from being at home more but I don't have a choice.

To me it sounds like a lack of communication between the couple not necessarily financial abuse.

Sorry I mean your friend's husband not her ex

I definitely couldn’t live like that. And it doesn’t sound like a great marriage at all. Clearly they both have major issues and don’t communicate with each other!

Financial abuse? I’m not so sure. If he pays all the bills and she just has to fund herself and 2 teenagers with £1000 per month that’s not bad. Ok it’s not going to be living like multi millionaires, but it’s certainly enough for a decent standard of living. Definitely enough for her to be able to afford a coffee out with her friend. Setting a budget for the food shop is sensible, but again it depends on whether he’s doing it for control or genuine financial need, and how he imposes it on your friend.

So why is he a controlling arse @cadburyegg ?
Do you think as the higher earner he has to pay and handover whatever money is demanded just because he earns more?

And you think that on a household income of £130k they shouldn't be able to do those things?

No, all household income should be shared equally.

Only on MN!

Might start a thread about how much I’ve been abused throughout my life because I haven't had access to unlimited money 🙄😭

PS do you think I should go NC with my parents as they only gave me £5 a week pocket money and my friends got more? Should I leave my husband because we had to budget our bills and dropped some subscriptions I quite liked?

I think he should be prepared to shoulder most of the financial responsibility, yes, and "hand over" the money to the family. It sounds like his wife has shouldered most of the responsibility for the children since they were born.

I have said he is controlling based on what the OP has said including

When she does the food shopping she has to keep to £150. She has to go round with the scanner thing so she adds it up as she goes. Then she gets the inquisition from him about why did she buy this and not that.

This is controlling behaviour

@catstaff47 I can understand why it's irritating but you only have her side in fairness - you don't know 100% she couldn't work more or that she spends £15 a day on coffee and lunch - if she is spending her wages on paying kids clubs and lunches etc etc -why doesn't she feel she can have an honest conversation about it? Is he an angry person ?? Because it's clear she has money but it's not enough - why is that? Is it due to paying for the kids?they spend more on food than he gives her? She spends far more than you know on bits and bobs? Feels obliged to keep up with the yoga/gym bunny set but without the income/funds- I don't think we can blame it all on H being tight as we don't know the full score and maybe you don't either !!

@Username197 did that bastard not buy you the princess flying unicorn you deserve?!
SUE HIM!!!

Poor lamb...£150 a week food shop.. torture!!!

I presume you’ll be saying that on the next thread where posters are encouraging someone to make sure they have financial independence? An escape fund?

@DoreenonTill8 nope. No flying unicorn. No Cartier watch. No designer handbag. Gonna get my ducks in a row and LTB.