To pack it all in and give up when so close to my goal? Absolutely had enough

[youtrbiscuit]

Me and ex decided to go halves for DS’s education when she starts school in a year. I’ve saved nearly all my share (150k), even allowing for inflation. It’s been harder for me to save as I earn much less money than ex and I’ve pretty much clung onto my job despite it being difficult with a toddler.

This week I’ve just had enough. I want to pay off my mortgage and take a part time average job with no pressure. Just fed up. I have the security that my mortgage will be paid off eventually via inheritance and yes I know you can’t rely on that but my mortgage is 170k and I should inherit four times that. It’s not definite, I know. I mention this before anyone tells me I shouldn’t pay fees while having a mortgage.

I don’t know what to do now. I know ex will be disappointed. I know it’s selfish of me. I just hate the stress of my job and even though I really wanted this for ds I just want to hide away from life now, I am exhausted. Maybe now im slightly older it’s hit me too I don’t know.

Don't spend it on Primary. At that age you being available and investing your time in your child's education is worth way more.

Interestingly, around here where there are a lot of private schools, parents whip them out and back into State schools for sixth form because apparently they have a better chance of getting into the Oxbridge universities.🤷‍♂️

Both my kids went to state schools all the way through and are now one is at Cambridge & one at Oxford. Ex had wanted private, I was against it on priniciple.
He is now glad we didn't waste the money.

Now you have reached your savings goal you no longer need to find that extra 2 grand a month (by my simple maths) so you could technically take a pay cut of around 25 grand and still cover your bills…
…or you could speak to your ex. He might also be having doubts. Or have a useful suggestion.

Totally agree here. I'm lucky enough to have been brought up and live in an area that people move to for the excellent state schools. The kids do really well here. For years I stayed in a job that broke me, as I was always told 'never leave a job unless you've got another to go to' such a load of bollocks. Follow your heart and reduce your mortgage. I have just taken the monumental step of taking my pension early, enabling me to work very part time (I love my job but have aches and pains now). A financial adviser also reviewed my retirement plans and took into consideration the 'family pot' - I'm the same as you, OP. We will be ok of surviving parent needs care moving forward. Not wealthy but can live comfortably with care-and I don't need loads of holidays and cruises to make me happy. An afternoon nap and not having get up early, other than to let my dogs out, is like winning the lottery to me. I made this decision as I've lost 3 close friend to cancer, all in their late 40's/early 50's. I am not prepared to take the gamble that I'll still be fit and well at 67. Good luck OP.

I would compromise. Apply to a good state primary school. Put half the fees towards your mortgage and the other half towards private secondary school education and go part time.
That way you will get to spend more time with your son and, if there are any significant learning gaps or issues, you'll have a bit of time to plan and work on these or get a tutor.

As an aside, do you have 50/50 custody or are you doing most of the leg work whilst also working full time?

I would see how he does at local primary, pay off your mortgage and then put your time and energy into your child. 1-2-1 engagements is the best gift you can give.

Christ what an absolute waste of money. No primary private school is better than a state. Not one of them. Some private high schools are better, but the vast majority are not. All you are paying for is for your children not to have to hang about with poor people (god forbid)

I went to private I might add.

Pay your mortgage off. Move house if needs be to an area with decent state schools. Job done. I've also worked in both statea and private and can categorically tell you that the teaching standards are not higher in private by any stretch. If you want a good education, find a good state.

Imagine being able to save £150,000 in 6 years and then complaining about it. All for sending a child to private school 🤦🏽‍♀️ There are people who can't even afford 3 meals a day FFS.

Pay your mortgage off. Go part time and watch out for yourself. Your child will do fine in a decent state school…for secondary, consider moving to somewhere with a grammar school. DH went to grammar and got into Cambridge and has had a good career in electronics. I went to state school and became a professor. You don’t need private education for your kid. What you do need is your mental health and physical well being.

Get that mortgage paid off and take the job thats less pressure. Enjoy motherhood without the stress x

Could you get an offset mortgage? That way the money you've saved can reduce your mortgage payments while still being available to spend.

Good point. We had an offset and it was brilliant.

imagine thinking just because someone has the means to save would mean they don't also have worries/stress about the future for themselves and their kids.

I suggest you would benefit from having three conversations:

Financial advisor: I can only assume that as you are paying a £170k mortgage on your own and saving something in the region of £2k per month, you have a decent salary. If you have almost reached your savings goal to fund 50% all 13 years of private school ... you will shortly have significant additional funds each month. You have many choices. You don't need to have secured your entire future with cash in the bank. Most people pay mortgage and school fees out of income.

Career coach / Life coach: You have years ahead of you, it's not all or nothing. Not every job is crippling. Again.. based on what you have saved so far, I am assuming you are on a good salary, you have short, medium and long term options.

Mediation with your ex partner.. or maybe just a one to one conversation.: Having a child is a joint responsibility but the effects fall unequally on women and men out earn women for many reasons, not least the fact that maternity only affects women, women are more likely to be the main carer who takes time off for illness, covers holidays etc or having a child has an impact on women because they are assumed to be less dedicated / willing to work long hours etc. He should provide for his daughter based on his means and her needs, not simply share 50% of the school.fees. if he is on £200K and you are on £80k.. he should pay a greater share of the fees.

Take a step back and see what you really want in all areas of your life... don't rush any decisions.

Pay off mortgage. No brainer.

Start saving again even small amount from part-time job and send DS at secondary if you’re still keen.

you can get tutors and other help to support your DS which is much cheaper.

private primary is not worth it.

years 7-11 might be.

then year 12-13 back to state school.

you only need five years, maximum.

explain to ex you’ve burnt out. It’s not your fault.

your child would probably benefit more from having your time - and when you are relaxed and not stressed out by work.
And whilst you have an expectation of legacy to repay the mortgage, what happens if that gets swallowed up by care fees?

@youtrbiscuit you are at the point where you really are in the trenches if you’re in the toddler years and managing a stressful job. What are the custody arrangements?

Most people don’t manage to save that much during high cost childcare years so you really have done exceptionally well. In the context of saving that much for fees, your mortgage seems inconsequential really and pretty low.

I would however be tempted to take the pressure off and use that lump sum to support secondary rather than primary or at least so state until 8. You sound a bit burnt out but I wouldn’t throw away a good job.

Pay off your mortgage. What if your ex loses his job or has a new family and decides they’re ’more important’? Will you be left footing the entire bill? I’d pay it off and get yourself into a lower stress job. You’ll have more money to take DS away and do fun stuff together. If he needs a tutor, you can pay for one.

If your ex likes the private school so much then let him pay. You need to live your life.

You can't afford and don't need private education. If your ex earns so much more than you he should pay more too.

I think unless you can easily afford private you would be better off finding a good state school. These boards are full of people worried about 20% VAT, second hand uniform, sacrificing holidays (though I did think the one having to reduce the number of holidays from 5 to 3 was hamming it up a bit), driving beat up old cars, wearing only thrifted clothes, and generally scrimping and saving to get their kids an education that is devoid of trips, clubs, or extracurricular lessons and activities, because they’re unaffordable. What if you lose your job, or your ex loses his? It sounds like a miserable life of sacrifice just so your kid can meet rich people and go to school in a pretty building.

Thank you

Thank you. And reaffirming from an experienced teacher. My sibling who is a teacher says the same

Thank you for this fantastic post

Slightly different perspective from me.

You've said you're going halves with your ex - I wouldn't put yourself in the situation where you're at the mercy of your ex in terms of relying on him to pay his share for a very long time. If he stops, refuses or becomes unable to pay you'll find yourself in a right bind. Don't do private school unless you can comfortably cover the fees yourself should that happen. £150k won't go as far as you think it might.

And you're right, you shouldn't rely on an inheritance as a financial plan!

Private education is a waste of money. Pay off your mortgage and live a happier life.

I’m not sure you can be so definitive here. You can only really compare school by school. There will be private schools that are absolutely worth it and clear to see the value add compared to local states and schools in other areas where the gap is small or non-existent. It also depends on what you’re valuing at the end of it. Many people that go down the private route aren’t just looking at grades but provision for music, sport, more personal attention etc. I’m at an outstanding primary that is broke and can very much see the state system is not perfect. Private seems pretty tempting right know quite frankly due to challenging behaviour. If the OP has the money ready, she has choices and it may well be an option she’d want keep open even if she starts in the state sector.