To pack it all in and give up when so close to my goal? Absolutely had enough

[youtrbiscuit]

Me and ex decided to go halves for DS’s education when she starts school in a year. I’ve saved nearly all my share (150k), even allowing for inflation. It’s been harder for me to save as I earn much less money than ex and I’ve pretty much clung onto my job despite it being difficult with a toddler.

This week I’ve just had enough. I want to pay off my mortgage and take a part time average job with no pressure. Just fed up. I have the security that my mortgage will be paid off eventually via inheritance and yes I know you can’t rely on that but my mortgage is 170k and I should inherit four times that. It’s not definite, I know. I mention this before anyone tells me I shouldn’t pay fees while having a mortgage.

I don’t know what to do now. I know ex will be disappointed. I know it’s selfish of me. I just hate the stress of my job and even though I really wanted this for ds I just want to hide away from life now, I am exhausted. Maybe now im slightly older it’s hit me too I don’t know.

Can you really look your kid in the eye knowing you had the money to enable them to have the best education in the geography they are in and decided to spend it on you instead?

Schools are free, houses aren't. Health before wealth.
Pay off the mortgage and put all your energy into giving the child the best childhood you can. You can always pay for tutors further down the line.

You seem to have a bit of an 'all or nothing' approach.

• you wanted to save all the school fees before DC even started school
• you wanted to pay off all the mortgage
• you want to give up work completely.

It's important to find a balance.

You could do secondary private school only which would free up a significant portion of your savings which you could use to reduce your mortgage. You can reduce how much you are saving each month and how much you're paying to your mortgage which would allow you to reduce your working hours.

Take a step back. Have a conversation with your ex, investigate your mortgage repayment options and any associated fees and try to find a solution that allows you to relax a little without fully giving up on anything.

Could you use the pot to pay most of your mortgage off, giving you and your child instant security?

Then, spend the primary years saving up for secondary education and only go private for secondary?

(FWIW I wasn’t privately educated and also don’t believe it’s right or fair, but perhaps this is a compromise?)

That’s hugely risky for you. He can ‘just about’ pay for it from wages? Well what if he loses his job or other costs increase and he then can’t?

you’ll face either shouldering the whole burden or pulling your child out.

i think you need to sit down with your ex and see what his financial situation is and how many years he could pay up front from savings.
dont tell him your pot until he’s told you his.

if it looks like it’s going to be a scrimp and save for him each year then readjust expectations. Clearly state that it’s not financially viable if he doesn’t have savings (maybe then disclose a much lower amount that would cover a few years with the insinuation that you’ll be carrying on saving).
so DS will have to go to court ne of the good state primaries until secondary school instead.

then yes some of your savings to reduce your mortgage and ease your financial pressure.

It's crazy to me that this is even a question. Your mental health and sanity are more precious than a private education which comes with no guarantees anyway. Plus we're talking primary here too.

Pay off your mortgage, your child will be happier rather than having a frazzled unhappy mum.

WHAT THE FUCK?

she’s not talking about a solo trip to the Maldives. She needs to reduce her stress and Is considering paying off her mortgage on the house her child lives in so they can have a secure home and a happier healthy mum.

she’ll look her child in the eye just fine.

Are you genuinely making a case that those parents who have the choice to use private schools but send their kids to state schools instead have betrayed their children and should feel ashamed of themselves?

Honestly - the state of some parents on this board. 🙄

😂

Well, you don't know what the future will bring. It could be that you will be unhappy with the state school alternative, or that your job gets easier, or a different job gets easier, or you leave for a lesser paid job but it isn't less stressful. Far too many unknowns.

I think you should never merge the two problems - you have solved the education problem, your dream for DS is now possible - great. Now solve the job problem, but without unsolving the education problem. You sound capable and this isn't beyond you.
FWIW, I was single (and paying full whack) when DS started private age 7, and had a mortgage for a while too, but the situation eased over the following years (workwise and financially) and eventually I remarried anyway so it ended up being far easier than my single self had imagined. I think it was money well spent.

I'd go state if decent local school, then do the 7plus exams for an all the way through private school. You can then use a portion of your saving to pay of more of your mortgage to give you a bit more breathing space. You can then make a decision in Year 2 if you want to make the private move. You risk your ex also changing his mind too - so his portion of the money may be at risk and the possibility of private school.

You won’t be paying it all at once though. It’s going to sit in savings, getting bigger. And meanwhile a mortgage is one of the most cost effective loans you can have.

If you’ve got an 11 year old you’re not old enough to retire. But you don’t have to keep working this hard now you’ve reached your goal. Can you change to a less stressful job?

OP, Just draw on that pot to get yourself a lower mortgage rate/overpay? It's not an all or nothing to situation, unless you are planning to prepay school fees for the next decade - the money is at your disposal, and it's your money, you'll just need to replace some of it at some point if you use it now, no big deal.

Why stress when you are sitting on so much money that you can just put to work flexibly? Plus you mention that you are in line for a nice inheritance. 🙄

Oh fuck off.

Yes we all make massive sacrifices for our kids, but I couldn’t look my mother in the eye knowing she’d spent her entire life miserable all to send me to fucking private school. There is more to life than private school education.

OP I don’t have any advice to be honest. I think maybe talk to your ex and say you aren’t sure how you feel about private any more. I think maybe by talking things through with him it might help your head be a little clearer. Or are you still liking the idea of private es but just not the financial side? It’s hard when you’re stuck with such a big decision. I agree with someone else though, maybe talk some time to enjoy a bit of money from your next couple of pay packets and relax and see how you feel. Can you switch jobs into something else that might spark your interest and pays enough?

I’m in an 11 plus area. For me, it was better to send my children to a private school for primary years, which is much cheaper than senior years, knowing they could then go to a good grammar school. If grammar schools hadn’t been available, I may have done it the other way round. The small classes did them wonders when they were little. One to one everyday for maths and English and lots of pastoral care.

She isn't stressing about her mortgage. She is stressing about her job. she wants to stop working and change job.

Clearly, if she gives up her job, she won't be able to afford to pay her mortgage.

But she currently has 150k saved to pay towards her kids education, but she could use it instead to pay off her mortgage, so she can GIVE UP her stressful job.

She is weighing up if she should give up on a private education for her DD, to give them both security and herself less stress, or continue on the path she is on, doing a high stress job.

Why is that so hard to grasp?

If you put the money you were saving for private school into paying off your mortgage quicker, presumably it would only take another 3 years.

Totally right. I worked with someone who paid that crazy money for their children to go to an expensive private school. One went to uni for sports science and the other wanted to be an actress. She completely regrets it now and sees it as such a waste of money as they could have done those things going to state school.

If the schools are good around you and you feel like this I would go the state route and then in some years time you will be in a better position about how you feel and can always move them at secondary.

There are pros and cons of each route. However, I work for a very large multinational company and we have never hired anyone because of where they went to secondary school. I have come across, worked with and hired both and there often isn’t any difference. If you feel like this don’t do it.

Reduce your stress now, life is short. A happy parent is more benefit than a stressed out one!

Supplement state education with some tutoring if needed but you can help a lot while she is in primary.

I don’t think there is a child in the world who would prefer a private primary school place to a more chilled and present parent. I can’t believe you would ignore the good local state primaries, and send him to private primary, even though it makes you exhausted and miserable. If it were me I’d keep enough for half the private secondary costs, and put the rest in your mortgage so you can reduce your hours .

This is why they need to get rid of all the remaining grammars.

Because we'll never stop well off people using their wealth to help their kids trample over the backs of poorer kids for grammar school places.

It's genuinely a shit, unfair system.

Too right! Most of the private schools around us are full of middle class children who couldn’t get along in state school because of learning difficulties, behavioural issues etc. Yeah the classes are smaller but the sports are limited because guess what, you can’t have a team if there are only 30 kids in the year. Oh and the council sending kids to the schools because of these issues to the Independant schools.

Often we don’t hire private school children because they often are more entitled and feel things should be the way they want them.

For reference, not jealous. We could have easily sent our kids and decided against it.

I will always put my child before my own need, and for me that would mean using the money as intended, not going part time. The private education would be more valuable in my opinion.

Doing the maths, you’ve saved 150k in 6 years. That works out at 2k a month? Your mortgage on 170k of house can be absolutely nowhere near 2k. Surely you can afford to drop at least 1 day at work, and still massively overpay your mortgage to be mortgage free early.

I wouldn’t pay private for primary when you have good state primaries on your doorstep. Pay private for secondary if you have to, but if you’ve got good state secondaries then i’d certainly place quality of life over private schooling. My DD just got all 9’s in her GCSE’s in a state school, couldn’t ask for more and my 2 son’s also did very well there too. I’m a single parent and couldn’t prioritise private over health, which it sounds like you’d be doing. If you ex is so set on this particular school then maybe he can pay for it or just agree to reassess over the years

Private schools only seem to benefit children of the very well off. I know so many people that attended private schools who really struggled when they left as they were not prepared for 'real life' and have ended up in the same jobs as your average person. I definitely think, given the choice, go state (if you have good options). You can always pay for additional tuition if you feel that DC needs it and look at private again for secondary?