To pack it all in and give up when so close to my goal? Absolutely had enough

[youtrbiscuit]

Me and ex decided to go halves for DS’s education when she starts school in a year. I’ve saved nearly all my share (150k), even allowing for inflation. It’s been harder for me to save as I earn much less money than ex and I’ve pretty much clung onto my job despite it being difficult with a toddler.

This week I’ve just had enough. I want to pay off my mortgage and take a part time average job with no pressure. Just fed up. I have the security that my mortgage will be paid off eventually via inheritance and yes I know you can’t rely on that but my mortgage is 170k and I should inherit four times that. It’s not definite, I know. I mention this before anyone tells me I shouldn’t pay fees while having a mortgage.

I don’t know what to do now. I know ex will be disappointed. I know it’s selfish of me. I just hate the stress of my job and even though I really wanted this for ds I just want to hide away from life now, I am exhausted. Maybe now im slightly older it’s hit me too I don’t know.

Pay the mortgage and get a part-time job.

I would just make sure that you have some money left to allow your DC to do some extra-curriculum activities (sports, art, music...) to further their development and develop self-confidence or to pay for a tutor if your kid struggle with a particular subject at school. It would be a good compromise.

Beyond that they should be perfectly fine in a state school.

When your child has finished university and is starting a graduate career, you will be glad you didn't bother with private schools and were able to spend more time with them when they were younger - and as a happier, more relaxed mum. Use the VAT on fees as an excuse for your rethink. All well supported kids do well at state schools and if you want to provide an extra academic boost, get a tutor.

Why would she have to if you continue saving the amount that you need to? You should only need to save at a lower rate as you have more time and even with less income you will have lower mortgage payments once you’ve overpaid some? And what about the interest on what you have saved?

Presumably if you’re on a high mortgage rate then unless your LTV is very high you should be able to remortgage soonish for a better rate anyway?

If you have decent primaries and it’s private primary NO WAY.

keep your money. It is just not worth it - you, as parents of decent intellect, alongside a tutor can plug any real or perceived deficit of state education.

your ex doesn’t have to like it and in reality he can’t MAKE you do anything.
if he’s that desperate let him foot the bill.
i would 💯 rather be around for myself and the kids if i could as it is I am stuck ft for the next 5 years or so at which point I should be aboe
to bin it off and go PT

YANBU. You always put your own oxygen mask on first x

But surely if you saved 150k whilst paying a 170k mortgage you can take a lower paid job & still pay your mortgage?

DS is a she again?

Private primary school is a massive waste of money unless you're loaded which you clearly aren't.

Would a change of workplace help maybe the environment you are in just now isn’t helping? I get that you hoped for private education but if you worked less hours and were happier that would be hugely beneficial to you and your child. Also you would have energy to support and enhance their learning outside of school. I cut down my hours nearly a year ago and the change it’s made to me for play/homework/trips with dd instead of being so worn down but work all the time.

If you have good state primary schools then it's a no brainer. That money would be better saved for your dd to buy a house then spent on private primary school IMO, but you can really improve your life with it and will be able to spend more time with dd.

Put the extra time into her that she might get in private school, listen to her read every day, get her writing thank you cards, lists, christmas cards, get her adding up shopping and writing christmas lists with costs, get her weighing ingredients and cooking, take her to museums and galleries - with the extra time there is so much you can do with her.

Suggest to ex that he saves the money he's put aside and pays for private secondary school where it is much more likely to be worthwhile. (Obviously up to him). You might also be able to contribute towards it by that point too. DS went to state primary and secondary and is now a software engineer. A private education would have been a complete waste of money for him.

Pay off the mortgage, put loads of time into your child and enjoy your life more.

I definitely wouldn't pay for ks1- waste of money at that stage.Would you consider moving to a grammar school area?

A happy mum who is home more for their child is more beneficial for a child then a private education a stressed out mum who isn't available

In order to save let's say £100k over 6 years if you take off the gifts, that means you e been putting away about £1300 a month from your income. Now that it's saved you don't need to do that which frees up £1300 a month, what does that equate to in hours worked, can you reduce your hours?

Is there a state school you both agree on and would be happy to send child to? And distance from homes wise, would contact ect be able to remain the same?

I know that I can see lots of things I would rather spend £150k on but this is obviously a decision that you and ex agreed on together, so if you want to change that decision, I think you need a discussion with him, and how schooling and impact on plans would then work

But in theory, if you both agree, I dont think its unreasonable to reduce work and spend the money on other things

Agree private primary is really not worth it. See how they get on in the first few years and then possibly consider prep at 8 if you'd think they'd really benefit, or wait for secondary. You'll also then be better placed to pick a school that really suits them as opposed to just one you or you ex like personally.

Unfortunately all well-supported children do not do well at state school, just as all well-supported children don’t do well at private schools. There’s a whole other host of factors which come into play, and we cannot possible solve this dilemma for you as it is so dependent on your particular child and the particular schools in your area.

If you have been saving like mad though, won't you find that you suddenly have more "available" money once the saving like mad part is done though? Trust me, I do know how absolutely fatiguing saving can be (also work etc) but it does get to the stage when its sucked all the joy out.

That said, I don't think private primary schools really add that much value. It would make more sense to be present for your child and have the money spare to pay for tutors etc if they are struggling.

That’s a huge amount to have saved whilst also paying your mortgage. I’m not really sure why you’ve committed to saving it in such a short space of time upfront? But you don’t need access to most of that money for years so whack it in a high interest account and the interest alone will help to over pay your mortgage.

My kids went to private schools but only secondary. Total waste to spend money on primary private.

I've only ever see people say on here that private school isn't worth it until Secondary. How much would that take out of what you have saved? Could you then put the rest of that as an overpayment on the mortgage?

Why is primary a waste of time? I've always wondered!

100% would get rid of the mortgage - even on our low 1.93%, the interest adds up to a lot.
I think of you have got good state schools near you, you would be mad not to use them.

That you can save £150k in 5 years but stressing about your mortgage - yeah right.

100% agree.

I think maybe pay for some after school clubs or hobbies instead while she's still developing and see how things go.

Be happy yourself and she'll be happier too.

Exactly this! If a child/adult wants to succeed and have a fulfilling career then they will do so, regardless of the school they go to. What if your child has no drive and no ambition - will there be resentment you’ve scrimped and saved and put yourself through hell?