To pack it all in and give up when so close to my goal? Absolutely had enough

[youtrbiscuit]

Me and ex decided to go halves for DS’s education when she starts school in a year. I’ve saved nearly all my share (150k), even allowing for inflation. It’s been harder for me to save as I earn much less money than ex and I’ve pretty much clung onto my job despite it being difficult with a toddler.

This week I’ve just had enough. I want to pay off my mortgage and take a part time average job with no pressure. Just fed up. I have the security that my mortgage will be paid off eventually via inheritance and yes I know you can’t rely on that but my mortgage is 170k and I should inherit four times that. It’s not definite, I know. I mention this before anyone tells me I shouldn’t pay fees while having a mortgage.

I don’t know what to do now. I know ex will be disappointed. I know it’s selfish of me. I just hate the stress of my job and even though I really wanted this for ds I just want to hide away from life now, I am exhausted. Maybe now im slightly older it’s hit me too I don’t know.

I have children past school age and have no problem seeing them everyday having successful lives despite me not scrimping and saving to pay for private education.

Absolutely 100% zero regrets, did your education not allow you to understand that state school pupils can do just as well as private school ones?

I dont understand though OP why now you can stop saving you still going to be struggling

Yes this.
Surely you can drop hours/salary and be fine as you won't need to save vigorously?

Or extend the mortgage term

Or say you can cover private secondary (plus tutor and decent extra curriculars combined with state primary) and if your ex wants to cover the full private primary costs he can?

not required for primary!!

just save for secondary, pay your mortgage off, get the child into state sschool, - couple of years of easier work then save again for secondary IF needed!

child needs you more than a singing dancing private school!

Pay the mortgage off and then get a job you like.

You mess around with mental health at your own peril.

My nephew was educated privately at primary school, during his formative years (imo). He was then prepared for state education at a good secondary school & has gone on to do exceptionally well at University. I’m just suggesting your child doesn’t need to be privately educated throughout their education

What a load of nonsense.
(And I say that as a parent with children at private school, but only because we can comfortably afford it without stress)

There are plenty of good state schools and some utterly dire private schools. It's not a binary.

And first and foremost children need healthy parents and financial security. A stressed parent and a financially precarious household isn't good for any child.

I think that you should “hold the bus” and not make any big decisions right now.

You don’t sound very well at the moment. High levels of anxiety/stress/depression may cloud your judgement. Make an appointment to see your gp for support and possibly meds. I would also get some therapy.

look after yourself right now, maybe take some sick leave but don’t be this get any worse

This.
I've been teaching three and a half decades. I've seen lots of different types of schools and thousands of different types of kids.

All any child needs is love and encouragement to fill their potential, whatever that may be, whether they are academic or otherwise.

If you've half decent state primary schools in your area you'd be mad to shell out thousands that would so obviously be better spent giving you some financial security and freedom from a mortgage.

I know so many people that went to private schools and aren't earning well now. Most wish they had been given a lump sum to purchase as house and gone state.

It isn't worth it in your situation. Plus you are relying on someone else, your ex might change his mind at any point.

This is easy OP. Send him to state school until age 11 or even 14, when he actually starts his GCSEs. Use the money to build a better life for yourself; this is the best of both worlds for you as a family.

Don’t waste your money on a private education. Choose a decent state school and move into catchment area. You can always top up with tutoring. Pay off your mortgage before anything else.

@Westofeasttoday My experience is the opposite. I was privately educated from 4 - 18 and neither of my schools would accept disruptive/ poorly behaved students. There were children with learning difficulties but they passed the entrance exams. I imagine your council sends children to specialist independent schools rather than the mainstream schools who are fairly exam results league-table driven.
Perhaps your company doesn’t recruit private school kids, but both my sibling and I have only ever benefitted from our education. The Sutton Trust did an interesting study about social mobility and it is clear that privately educated people dominate the top roles in the UK. Obviously it’s not needed, but it really is an investment in a child’s future if it is affordable for parents.

Do you have 50:50 care or are you doing the bulk of parenting and holding down a stressful job?

Go fora good state primary and private secondary OP. This will alleviate some burden and primary you can get tutors if he really need it but secondary i wohkd say is more I.oortsnt with gcses and a levels.

Pay off your mortgage then pay the school fees from your salary.

Can you look your kid in the eye and say that you spent the money on providing security for you both, preserving your mental health so you could better take care of you both? That you could provide treats and trips and tutoring if needed because you had more money and time and energy?

Private school is not automatically 'the best education money can buy'. There are a lot of shitty schools out there, both state and public.

Do it, save your sanity. Tell ex it isn't working, you can't continue. He can pay what's needed if he's so desperate for the private education or you can both choose a good state school and work out private education in the future. Your child's future starts with what's at home and put into them, a private education is not going to make up for a burnt out, unhappy, over stressed/stretched mother.

I'm gonna guess you ain't 50/50.

My parents insisted on sending me and my siblings to private school, despite not really being able to afford it. As a result we went from an intense educational setting, to an intense home setting. The arguments about money, the pressure on us to make it all worth while… I internalised a lot of the stress they were feeling about it.

Remember it’s not just school, but a whole lifestyle to keep up with - expensive school trips, events, uniform and the culture too - we were the plebs who couldn’t afford to keep horses.

I did make some brilliant friends there in the end, but my best friend went to a good state school and I was always so jealous of her family and friends.

You've saved £150k in 6 years. That's at least £1500 a month allowing for gifts.

Your mortgage at most is £1000 a month.

I would personally pay the school fees, then save £750 a month (and get your partner to put that in too) and make a lump sum of capital repayments of £15k a year.

Your entire mortgage will be gone before your child finishes school.

Pay mortgage off

save for private 2nd school. Get extra to pay more. Plus also if you inherit then… that’s fine.

enjoy life!

Exactly, the mortgage is only £1000 a month

What would happen if you have another child? I think it's amazing that you have saved that money

Do you only have 1 child?

How often does ex have him?

If he doesn’t have him 50/50 then you’re of course going to be struggling more than he is.

I would speak to ex about how you’re feeling and either ask him to have DS 50/50 or consider putting a larger share in.

I don’t think the first couple of years at least in primary school make a difference whether it’s private or state and so I personally would just delay it for a couple of years.

toh absolutely cannot guarantee that your ex will always keep his end of the deal to pay half. It will be so much to end once started in private Ed. I would not waste my money🚶. It’s not just fees. , it’s uniforms, after school, school trips are crazy money, nope 👎 I’d invest in keeping myself while to watch my child grow up.

You are treating this like a binary choice (private school vs. change jobs) but really there is no reason you couldn’t do both? Even if you give up private education and pay off your mortgage you will still have to work. Conversely if you no longer have to save for school fees you can presumably get by on a lower salary quite comfortably, giving you greater flexibility to find a job you enjoy or at minimum doesn’t stress you out so much.

from experience, part time in a job you hate is still pretty stressful. I’ve also had full time jobs that are an absolute dawdle, and in some instances paid more than the more stressful ones.