To pack it all in and give up when so close to my goal? Absolutely had enough

[youtrbiscuit]

Me and ex decided to go halves for DS’s education when she starts school in a year. I’ve saved nearly all my share (150k), even allowing for inflation. It’s been harder for me to save as I earn much less money than ex and I’ve pretty much clung onto my job despite it being difficult with a toddler.

This week I’ve just had enough. I want to pay off my mortgage and take a part time average job with no pressure. Just fed up. I have the security that my mortgage will be paid off eventually via inheritance and yes I know you can’t rely on that but my mortgage is 170k and I should inherit four times that. It’s not definite, I know. I mention this before anyone tells me I shouldn’t pay fees while having a mortgage.

I don’t know what to do now. I know ex will be disappointed. I know it’s selfish of me. I just hate the stress of my job and even though I really wanted this for ds I just want to hide away from life now, I am exhausted. Maybe now im slightly older it’s hit me too I don’t know.

How long before you need to make an application? You can apply for a state school place as back up to keep both options open while you think things through.

What’s the plan for secondary? Asking as those fees are likely a LOT higher, and you may want to reserve your savings for that rather than use them for primary.

Are you nervous about talking this through with your ex? It’s a huge financial commitment, and not really worth it unless you’re extremely wealthy - it’s only natural to consider rethinking this.

And what would happen if he had another child, or several children?

Hi OP,difficult for me to give objective advice as I don't believe that private education is essential so can't identify with the stress of saving for it. It simply isn't an option for the vast majority and therefore isn't a stressor.
And paying your mortgage off? That seems a mighty idea for someone who is young enough to have a 7 year old child.
Unsure what you don't like about your job? That's something that you can actively work on changing to reduce your stress levels.
Wishing you well

Did you post about this last week OP ? It seems very familiar indeed -except you were trying to hide the money in trusts and asking about claiming UC?? We were all baffled why you were asking about UC - if it's the case it's obvious that stopping work was on your mind and hence you wanted to hide this money as it had all been saved for private school !!

I strongly believe this is usually a case of 'it's who you know, not what you know'.

@youtrbiscuit can you not get an off-set mortgage these days so you could use the £150k as the offset and yet still have the £150k? Alternatively, pay part of the mortgage off and put aside what you save on the payments and also look for a less stressful job? You don’t need all of the £150k right now do you? Also, are you certain ex will pay his half? If he is paying from earnings then what if he loses his job? He needs to set aside money too - I can see this being problematic if he does not

Pay off the mortgage, forget about the private school. You could end up sending your DC there and then your ex has more children and decides he no longer wants to contribute, you would have to come up with extra money or remove them from the private school.

"The Sutton Trust did an interesting study about social mobility and it is clear that privately educated people dominate the top roles in the UK."

Which is really f*cking ethically objectionable when you think about it.

BTW - on average attending a private school appears to add on single grade in one A level (again - this is Sutton Trust evidence). So a pupil who gets AAB in a state school, if the same student attended a fee paying school they'd get AAA. Which explains why kids from fee paying schools are vastly over represented at top universities and on courses like medicine, computer science etc.

And it's not necessarily because they have better teaching, they simply have MORE teaching because of smaller class sizes.

We need to see more good universities give more contextual offers. Only one of the universities my son applied for gave contextual offers for Engineering that applied to my son, and that was because we live in a postcode with low participation in higher education, not because he went to a poorly resourced comprehensive with massive A level classes and insufficient laboratory access.

There's always more than 2 or 3 ways to look at a situation so I'll suggest a couple of others I don't think anyone's mentioned yet.

You seem to have 2 goals in front of you at the moment - 1) feel that you will be able to contribute 50% of school fees and 2) find a job that is less stressful / fits around family life better. Maybe playing with numbers to model some scenarios might be worth doing?

If you stop trying to save extra now but just keep going with mortgage payments, how much income do you need to stay afloat? What proportion of your current income is that? If you reduce your hours (can you in your current job?), what could that look like and would it make a meaningful difference?

What hours and income could you expect in an alternative job?

How are your current savings invested? How does the interest rate / investment return compare with your mortgage rate? Don't forget to consider tax if some of those savings aren't in an ISA. Your best investment return might actually be to pay off some or all of your mortgage. But then you don't have easy access to the capital when you need it - so, discuss with your bank how you could pay down your mortgage but draw on it again in the future. It's really common particularly for private secondary school, for families to extend a mortgage at that point.

Now talking about other common ways private school fees are funded - you mention a likely future inheritance. If this is grandparents - or even if not - are you able to ask whether they would be willing and able to pay a contribution to school fees rather than it only coming after they die? Especially if inheritance tax changes are made, that might be a particularly efficient way for them to use their money. Not necessarily possible of course.

I agree with others that you need to not make hasty decisions, I hope your work stresses ease off for a bit soon so that you can breathe a bit and really examine all the possibilities that exist for you. Well done and good luck!

When you say your ex will be paying their half through income, does that mean they have not saved £150k as you have?
In that case you would be taking a great gamble on the future success of this agreement.
As things can change as you are currently experiencing.
Who's to say what would happen if your ex wants to change career in a few years time and then you are left to foot the bill completely.
Speak to them about the education plan and talk it through.
Pay off your mortgage?
If your ex is going to use future income for this plan why can't you?

Careful, your entitled arrogance is showing. Feel better now?

😆😆😆😆 you could have tried harder.

Perhaps in some professions, but not in others. You have a better chance of knowing the right people through private education. I strongly believe you also get a better quality of education, so better chance of the best unis, leading to better opportunities. I’m not sure you can blag your way to/ through something like medical school through nepotism. 61% of top doctors went to independent school, 22% grammar school and 16% went to comps. (Don’t ask me where the last 1% went! Source: Leading People study by The Sutton Trust).

I think two things.

One is that you are stressed out of your head and that's making you look at this in very black and white terms. For instance, you could leave your stressful job and get a less stressful or more part-time one, use some of the savings to top-up any earnings shortfall and continue repaying your mortgage as normal, and resume saving when you're ready. You don't have to pay 14 years of school fees up front. My guess is that if you can calm down a bit, there are other options apart from keep working and go pop versus chuck it all in and ruin DS's life. (One of those might include rethinking whether private education is really necessary, but I appreciate that's not what you asked.)

The second thing I think is that sharing the cost of private eductaion equally with your ex ought to mean that you each contribute proportional to your earnings, so if ex earns much more than you, he should be saving, and in due course paying, much more.

Whose idea was private education anyway? Please tell me it's not him insisting on it and you having to go 50/50 with something you didn't choose and can't afford.

You really don't need to send them private for primary if you have good state options. Do what YOU think best.

Good state primary schools so use them.
Pay off your mortgage
Reduce your hours, which will in turn reduce your stress and make you more available to your child.

If your ex is so keen on private school he'll have to pay the fees. I wouldn't tell him you'd paid off your mortgage though, its non of his business.

I think this is a weird stance - where do you draw the line? No family holidays because school fees are more important? Not overpaying a mortgage because school fees are more important? My husband and I are state educated, both lawyers and frankly currently more successful than the majority of our privately educated university friends. My parents could have put me to private school, but didn’t agree with it in principle and it doesn’t seem to have done any harm… Not paying for private school (for any reason) does not make you a bad parent!

You're going to resent it if you put it towards school, and feel guilty if you don't. (Personally I don't rate private education). The stress gets less after age 7ish, gradually, and then the people who have taken a step back in career can struggle a bit, sometimes. Can you visit and fall in love with your local state school by any chance? I say be honest with him and suggest investing part of it in high interest accounts to grow for your child for 16 years so they get a great start in life in a different way. Or, if he really wanted could you do state primary and then consider using his money for secondary if his circumstances still allow?
Also check that a part time average job will pay the bills, because the cost of living swamps a small mortgage.

From a child perspective.

Good schools versus private schools.

Broken mother versus present and happy mother.

Father earning well in excess of mother.

Time for a chat.

But I would be saying if he wants private school, he pays for it and you facilitate it and all that comes with it.

One childhood. One chance.

The figures are all wonderful about private schools and top jobs and positions.

What about happiness. What about work life balance. Not every new person is cut out for that. What are the figures on private school children with broken mothers taking these positions.

The child is not at school yet. Who knows where we will be in fifteen years. As a mum, an ex professional mum, if you feel you need to do this to look after you and your child then do it.

If he is a decent man earning so much more and it's so important to him then that's the next conversation

I’d go for a good state state primary and private school from 11+. I strongly believe primary education in this country is good enough. This way you could pay half your mortgage and I assure you your child will not suffer for it.

I’d pay off the mortgage

Private school is a total waste of money at primary school level if a child has a parent who engages with their education.

You'd add loads more value as a sane and happy mum who helped with homework, took him places and talked to him.

State school and a happy mother in secure accommodation will do your child greater service than a posh school

IMO children would much rather enjoy the company of happy, present parents rather than stressed out, preoccupied ones suffering stressful jobs to pay the school fees.

Yes, the output will be incredibly well spoken and able to converse with all levels in their eventual jobs, but from my experience (a husband whose ex-wife put the kids in private without his knowledge or consent - he just came home from work one day and it was done…) the pair of them have suffered terrible ill health through their jobs trying to keep up with the school fees, rent, mortgage, destination holidays, to keep up with the Jones’ etc

The three children are suffering from severe anxiety, despite having the most luxurious and privileged life.

Their cousins were put through private school yet have all quit work in their early twenties.

Parts of me wish I’d had the same education and self-confidence that it seems to instil, but it does not seem to give them the required work ethic, self-confidence etc to provide for themselves and future families. In my experience having thought about it all, this is my conclusion, despite other previous thoughts on this matter.

I really don’t understand anyone who pays for education these days when that money could be spent on something like clearing a mortgage.

set each child up with a £15k ISA that will be a flat deposit in 15 years. Pay for some extra tutoring through school if you want them to be super stretched and make hard work an expectation