To think gentle parenting is actually permissive

[theedgeoftheforest]

Even though those who favour it are very insistent it isn’t - well, it is, isn’t it?

Its all ‘they have no impulse control’ (they do) ‘you’re expecting too much’ (you’re not) ‘the teachers reward and sanction, complain to the school’ (nonsense.)

I know post after post will insist that gentle parenting does have boundaries and to be fair I see gentle parents talk a lot about boundaries but they don’t seem to have a clue how to implement them and their kids run rings round them.

Completely agree with you. The children who are parented in this way are always the ones running amok and the parents are sitting there saying oh they're just being kids. No, they're being little shits and you haven't got the balls to tell them off.

I know post after post will insist that gentle parenting does have boundaries

Because it does. And this thread will go the same way as all the others. Why not just read one of the hundreds?

Everyone judging everyone else instead of just working to be the best parents we can be to the children we have. Mine is gently parented with firm boundaries and now her teachers don't know she was diagnosed with ADHD unless I tell them. Because gentle parenting helped her achieve as highly as she could, and beat the demand avoidance and rejection sensitivity that plagues children with ADHD who are parented traditionally. Like I was.

Goady, and not very originally so.

You are confusing gentle parenting with lazy parenting.

Kids being raised this way are never going to cope in life when they're told No as you often are as adults. They're being set up to fail by the very people who are supposed to nurture them.

I call it lazy parenting. Kids don't need friends, they'll make those on their own. They need guidance, boundaries and to learn how to cope when things don't go your way. Said as a parent of a child with SEN.

No gentle parenting and permissive parenting are different types of parenting. Unfortunately some people have these styles confused.

No, but as you appear to be a fantasist, this thread is pointless.

A goady thread isn’t one that disagrees with you.

I used to favour gentle parenting and have come to realise it’s nonsense. I’ve read thousands of threads on here and Facebook about it. I’ve seen the phrase ‘he / she has no impulse control’ more often than I’ve had hot dinners. And I’ve seen so many posts where children are forced into compliance (yay, I held a boundary) but that stops working when they are past a certain point and then what?

I am lost as to how any of what I’ve written makes me a fantasist.

Do you know what a fantasist is?

Just wondering what the OP said that makes them a fantasist?

Reading multiple Facebook posts does not make you an expert. A few neuroscience research papers would have been a better use of time. Impulse control is not fully developed until well past teenage years.

The problem with these debates is the No True Scotsman fallacy.

"True" Gentle Parenting is everything that is good. If you try to do it but it doesn't work or even causes harm, you weren't doing True Gentle Parenting.

My conclusion is: Gentle Parenting is only True Gentle Parenting when it works, but whenever it doesn't work, it's because you're doing it wrong. Therefore Gentle Parenting always works, see? Science.

We'll have lots of examples soon. These threads always run to dozens of pages. Wait till the issue of toddler children hitting or pushing other children comes up.

This again 🙄. Just because you see permissive parenting, doesn’t equate it to gentle parenting, which in itself has been a ‘thing’ for generations. I always say, if you don’t understand what gentle parenting is, watch Bluey. Explains it perfectly. It doesn’t mean giving in to every whim. And what seems like permissive may have its own explanations - some children with additional needs need parenting which doesn’t align with the mainstream. That doesn’t mean letting them get away with anything, but ‘firm consequences in the moment’ won’t help a child in full meltdown.

Toddlers do sometimes. But I don’t think validating their feelings makes much difference!

I agree with your post BTW.

Not a child with additional needs but it certainly snaps toddlers out of tantrums very quickly. Mine had very very few tantrums because they learnt, as soon as they turned about 2, they got no positive attention from it. All their gently parented friends were still throwing tantrums at 4. But as above, I'll be told these parents were not gentle parenting properly, despite being teachers, midwives etc who had read all the research papers themselves.

To think traditional parenting is just abusive.

Even though those who favour it are very insistent it isn’t - well, it is, isn’t it?

Its all ‘if you punish them properly they won't develop issues later’ (they do) ‘you’re expecting too little’ (you’re not) ‘the teachers sanction, make sure to punish them at home and school without understanding first’ (nonsense.)

I know post after post will insist that traditional parenting does have love and isn't abusive and to be fair I see traditional parents talk a lot about love and care but they don’t seem to have a clue how to implement them and their kids are miserable and leave the second they can.

See how bloody stupid that is?

I work with families where the children have 'gone off the rails' I don't think any of the families that I work with were 'gentle parents'. From my observations the children who are parented gently are not so obedient as toddlers/young children but tend to grow up into very self motivated kind teenagers.

I consider myself a gentle parent. I don’t shout, or make up arbitrary consequences. But there are consequences. Discipline means to teach and gentle parenting is a method of teaching, whereas permissive parenting is where parents turn a blind eye and fail to teach. I think the two are often confused.

I don't pretend to know what "gentle parenting" as an official term means. But I did try and parent in a very gentle way and it was fine for one of my dds but it just didn't match the energy of the other one. Apart from anything else, she didn't have the patience to listen to a drawn out explanation about why we said no to something as it would cause her massive frustration in an already frustrating situation, and she responded better to more clearly stated boundaries. So parenting for the individual child you have is key I think.

Gentle parenting is where instead of yelling at your kids in a shop you set expectations out clearly beforehand, engage with them during the shop and get them helping you/chat to them about what you're doing. Recognise that they're not going to be happy shopping for four hours just because that suits you and don't throw empty threats at them to try and get them to stay in line.

Gentle parenting is just good parenting basically. you are clear about expectations, consistent in your approach and mean what you say. You are clear about boundaries from an early age so they are the norm and accepted. You spend a lot of time with them so they want to please you and so are much more likely to behave. Gentle parenting if you do it correctly takes a lot of time and effort.

It sounds like you mean people who are lazy parents that dress it up as gentle parenting tbh.

Aren't you clever.

That’s because it’s not unhealthy for a 4 year old to have emotional disregulation. That doesn’t mean tantrums don’t need to be dealt with accordingly, but it’s really not a terrible thing for a preschooler to still to be learning how to manage their feelings. You may have children who naturally are inclined not to be overly emotionally expressive, or they’ve learned young that they’re simply not allowed to feel overwhelmed.

I find @MrsTerryPratchett to often be a very articulate poster even if I don’t always agree with the response. I’m not sure why there’s a need for such a snide remark.

Just don't parent that way if it baffles you to that extent.

Cheers @LostTheMarble

There may be some truth in this, I don’t know.

I think what strikes me is how much it takes out of the parents but in particular the mother. Absolutely no to sleep training, preferably no childcare at all but if you absolutely have to, make it minimal, childminders rather than nursery, validate the feelings, don’t get annoyed yourself, it’s normal for them to XYZ well beyond an age where it is actually normal.

There are a lot of women racked with guilt for not being gentle enough and that’s a shame.