To think gentle parenting is actually permissive

[theedgeoftheforest]

Even though those who favour it are very insistent it isn’t - well, it is, isn’t it?

Its all ‘they have no impulse control’ (they do) ‘you’re expecting too much’ (you’re not) ‘the teachers reward and sanction, complain to the school’ (nonsense.)

I know post after post will insist that gentle parenting does have boundaries and to be fair I see gentle parents talk a lot about boundaries but they don’t seem to have a clue how to implement them and their kids run rings round them.

This is a classic example. You don't technically gentle parent if you shout at your DC. That's called normal parenting. Most decent parents don't shout at children constantly, or use threats constantly. Most reasonable decent parents try every other avenue before they start to get cross.

I was a part time nanny a few years ago to a 4 year old who had gentle parents.
They never used the word ‘no’ and allowed her to express herself however she saw fit.

The final straw for me was having to allow her to watch hours and hours of mindless tv and for her to be allowed to hit me.

When I questioned this, I was told she could self regulate with TV when she was ready to do so and her hitting was communication.

They were both GPs

I said I wouldn’t be returning.

The grandparent who had her a day or 2 a week was despairing!

She was a lovely girl, but they were allowing her to become an unhappy tyrant, crying out for boundaries.

A lot of us who chose gentle parenting do so because we have suffered emotional repercussions from the way we were parented.

Maybe have a bit of compassion?

My mum told me my kids would be brats because of gentle parenting. She has changed her mind now; they are 6 and 8 and thriving, kind, funny and intrinsically motivated little individuals. They also ask me things like: why does Granny try to trick us into doing things and try to control us 😂 I didn't figure that out until I was 30 so I'm very pleased to hear their ability to recognise manipulative behaviour.

Gentle parenting is also a good choice for neurodiverse kids and let's face it, when they arrive there is no way to know.

I hadn’t really thought about my type of parenting, I don’t think I really understand the difference between permissive and gentle, but that’s maybe because I think i sit more in the authoritative box.

I googled permissive vs gentle and it stated this: Gentle parenting falls under the broader “authoritative” parenting style that is both firm and kind. Caregivers might think gentle parenting means not ever saying “no." This is actually permissive parenting. Gentle parenting is a non-punitive approach that respects children and aims to foster emotional safety

It’s not helped me at all 😂😂 Maybe I am a gentle parent?

Yes. Then they become the kids no one invite anywhere because the are uncontrollably "spirited" and "kids being kids"

My kids never got into trouble at school and I think they are brilliant. I didn’t put a label on my parenting, I just parented and I was never scared of upsetting my kids.

I think these are the requirements of a good parent:

Love them.
Have firm boundaries.
Praise them.
Cuddle them.
Talk to them.
Spend time with them.
Show you’re proud of them.

Teach them to treat others as you wish to be treated.
Teach them that they are not special and no better than anybody else.
Teach them good manners, please and thank you.
Teach them to value themselves.
Teach them that failure is ok, but they have to try again. Failure is part of the learning and not the end.
Teach them to do things for themselves, and no you’re not a servant.

ALWAYS be a good role model, don’t drink, smoke, swear, be lazy, take drugs, etc There are no days off from this.

Be a role model and go to work. How can you expect them to be motivated if you sit around all day doing sod all.

Keep their home clean and comfortable. It’s embarrassing to bring friends home to a dirty, cluttered or messy home.

Never react to something without hearing the other side of the story e.g. ‘my teacher is being mean to me’. Do not give them that power. Hear them, but don’t give unwavering trust or leave yourself open to manipulation.
At the same time let them know that you won’t hold mistakes against them. There are consequences, but it won’t change how much you love them.

Do not be their friend. Be the person they can trust.

And remember once you’ve had kids there’s no ‘easy’ option. If it’s not hard work, time consuming and demanding of your attention, then you probably won’t reap the reward of good, balanced, well adjusted, resilient children.

If you’re worried about labelling your parent style, then you’re probably wasting your time.

I think of gentle as bring like authoritative but without the punishment eg time out/smacking. So probably sitting at the top of the cross.

Fwiw I would never describe myself as a 'gentle parent' but I do now sway more to that side.

Had not heard of the no true Scotsman fallacy...thought is was a reference to what he wears under his kilt, and I couldn't see the reference. Googled it, and I'm glad I did - it makes much more sense now!

Like I said above. Gentle Parenting advocates saying that other parenting styles all cause significant psychological harm.

It's the schrodingers box of parenting styles. Every tiny little thing you say/do has profound impact (traumatising etc) but at the same time anything you say/do to help prevent misbehaviour will have no impact because the child's misbehaviour is developmentally expected

It a term coined by an author to sell her parenting book in 2010s:

https://sarahockwell-smith.com/2013/09/22/what-is-gentle-parenting-and-how-is-it-different-to-mainstream-parenting/

I use the term ‘gentle parenting’ a lot when I write and a lot of people ask me what exactly I mean by it. “What is gentle parenting?” they say…… Often they confuse the ‘gentle parenting’ terminology with the idea of Attachment Parenting (or AP is it is commonly known), which isn’t strictly true. Although often attachment parenting and gentle parenting can be and are complimentary, attachment parenting is a style of parenting following specific principles (FYI click HERE for the principles of Attachment Parenting), whereas I see ‘gentle parenting’ as just a way of being that has no bearing on making specific choices to be in-line with a certain style.
So, with this in mind I’ve tried to come up with my idea of the definition of gentle parenting, ultimately I think it can be summed up with three words:

1. understanding,
2. empathy
3. respect

The table below elaborates a little more. I don’t mean to be scathing or judgemental of what I’ve called ‘mainstream parenting’ (if there is any judgement it’s directed at the mainstream ‘parenting experts’ and societal myths NOT the individual parents!) and I’m sure I’ve been overly stereotypical, but it’s a start.

I think as it's gained traction researchers are then trying to fit it in with their existing terminology and work out what it means within that framework.

The table may help more - according to that we've "gentle parenting" whereas we just parented using some of what we experienced ourselves growing up and trying to get rid of bits we disliked.

So gentle parenting gives the child lots of love and support, validating feelings (“I can see you’re upset”) but also boundaries, where no means no. Maybe explains why something, or offers warnings- “we’re leaving in 10 minutes so make sure you finish your game”, “leaving in 5…” “ok let’s get going…” “you can’t have chocolate now because we are going to have lunch first, if you’re hungry some fruit is better for your body”. Child knows where boundaries are and also isn’t snapped at suddenly or shocked by parents. Feels loved whatever they do, not shamed.

authoritarian parenting may include sudden sanctions, possibly unrelated to the seriousness of the offence, or which are OTT. Or from 0 to 10 in an instant which leaves the child confused and with no way back. Eg kid trailing round a supermarket whining for snacks while parent ignores, ignores, ignores, then suddenly gets angry and says something like, “stop whining or you can’t have your birthday party tomorrow”. Child hasn’t a clue where boundaries are and may fear excessive sanctions.

permissive parenting has no boundaries at all. Child is allowed to do whatever they like with very little guidance.

It's a disservice to the child

You are setting them up to live in a world that doesn't exist

You are not teaching them basic behaviours to survive in the world

They get to adulthood/teens and realise that the world isn't playing to their rules.

Handling a child with white gloves when no-one else ever will just sets them up to fail

All well and good giving the distinction between permissive and gentle parenting but honestly it's just splitting feathers really.

This is the best thing I've read on here for a long time:

And remember once you’ve had kids there’s no ‘easy’ option. If it’s not hard work, time consuming and demanding of your attention, then you probably won’t reap the reward of good, balanced, well adjusted, resilient children.

I don't understand this argument. No one has ever shouted at me as an adult, nor have they hit me or shamed me or made me sit in time out because I was over emotional.

But gentle parenting is hard work. If my child asks for a Biscuit and I say no and then they start to cry and whine. It would be easy to be permissive and just give them a Biscuit to shut them up. Equally it's easy to shout at them to 'stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about'. It's not so easy to empathise with their disappointment but stand strong and listen to the whining without getting annoyed or irritated and shouting at them. This is how I see gentle parenting.

I think I this pretty much sums up good parenting, whatever you wish to call it !

Wish my parents had used gentle parenting on me. I’m certain I’d have been so much happier as an adult.

Quite often when a child says they have been shouted at, what they mean is that they’ve been told off. The tone of voice is stern or confrontational, rather than loud.

I have most certainly been told off as an adult. From the time I parked too close to another vehicle, to the time in work where I forgot to do something important before I left
for the day. Then there’s another time in work when I turned off the fridge by accident, spoiling everyone’s lunch and milk etc.

A lot of people these days cannot handle such occurrences and feel attacked when they are rightly chastised, instead of seeing it as an opportunity for growth.

I'm a gentle parent and was gentle parented. I'm not a permissive parent. I can understand why authoritarian parents might think I'm permissive because there are some things I am more relaxed about than them, because authoritarian parents are by definition big on control. But gentle parenting is just the sweet spot between authoritarian and permissive - authoritative parenting which means loving connection based parenting with carefully chosen and age appropriate boundaries, rather than arbitrary boundaries based on parental control or no boundaries. The evidence is clear that this is what children need for the best outcomes in life.

I love the people who say I’ve researched it

so show me your biased research papers that you’ve written then please? Because you can’t research something without writing a paper….

what you actually mean is you’ve goggled it. A lot….

i gentle parent. Well….actually I do low demand parenting. My eldest had adhd and for many many years I did then a huge disservice if I’m honest.

if I could go back in time and scrub out the way I parented before I would do.

I fully believe in my children and I love spending time with them…I don’t often hear parents say they enjoy spending time with their kids…I don’t have any problems with them…we all get on well and I am highly proud of them.

But you can gentle parent amd still tell your children off, you just don't shout and you speak respectfully. I'm sure your boss spoke to you respectfully.

Gentle parenting also implements boundaries. They don’t scrub each other out. You must do both.

This, with bells on.

Well, my boss’ words were respectful, but the tone was undeniably irritated and angry.

The fridge conversation began with:

”Flutter, were you aware that you turned off the office fridge before going home? Did you not think to check as you were messing with those plugs? What are people supposed to do today for their break time?

As a 23 year old this could have broken me before I even started. It was week 1 in my new professional role.

And before that at the age of 22, on a work experience placement through uni, the department lead (male in male dominated industry) on meeting me looked me up and down and said ‘Your university are damned irritating me now. How am I supposed to work with this shit’.

And the lady (pregnant) who I parked next too at the age of 18, a bit too close for her big belly, just yelled at me did I have any fucking consideration.

So no, being an adult doesn’t mean people necessarily treat you with utmost respect. If you’re not a bit resilient, you’re fooked.

I just don't think being talked to respectfully leads to a lack of resilience. It's not what I have observed in my professional or personal life.