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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Angry with son for abandoning daughter on night out

1000 replies

maxtheblackcat · 19/10/2024 02:15

I need some perspective before I say anything as I’m so angry right now I could be very unfair.
I have lived a very sheltered life, I know this and try to be mindful that it can make me naive. My son who is 25 lives in London, his girlfriend works in the fashion and entertainment industry and has some friends who are actors/musicians/models. Not your household names but none the less famous and have some influence. We are down visiting son in London, my daughter who’s 19 came with us. My daughter is on a gap year, she isn’t the most confident and doesn’t really do the whole drinking/club scene. Even if she did our nearest clubs are small so a very different feel.
Some of sons girlfriends friends were planning a night out, they had a reservation at a lovely expensive restaurant and then were on the guest list for a seemingly high end/exclusive club. My daughter ended up invited, she was hesitant but decided to go as she felt it was an opportunity she didn’t want to miss, and I get it if I was 19 if want to hang out with musicians and actors and models too! She was nervous but my son and his girlfriend promised they’d keep an eye on her.
We don’t hear anything most of the night until about half past midnight when my daughter calls me in tears, she says she stepped out as she felt really uncomfortable, that she’d gone to the bathroom and the girl who had got them on the guest list was sniffing coke, older guys were being provocative, she didn’t know where son or his girlfriend were. I told her to call him and get him to either put her in a cab back to the hotel or take her home, she was panicking and not used to London at all and nervous of being in a cab alone late at night.
Typically he didn’t answer, she tried the girlfriend too no answer, we tried them both. We then told her to go back in and find him but the security guard wouldn’t let her unless the girl who she was a guest off (so girlfriends friend) came out and verified who she was and let her in. I’m not sure if this is standard practice but obviously, my DD doesn’t know this girl at all and had no way of contacting this girl and the security guard wasn’t helpful at all. My daughter was panicking and a group of girls walking by noticed and helped her get a cab back to the hotel. Luckily she’s here with us now and while shaken up she’s okay. We have always taught our kids to never be around people doing drugs and had a “fly with the crows, shot with the crows” mantra. My daughter said this is the first time she’d ever actually seen anyone doing lines of cocaine and the men were being so sleazy.
We still haven’t heard from my son which makes me think he hasn’t even noticed that she isn’t there!!

AIBU to be absolutely disgusted with him and beyond angry? He knew that his sister was new to all of this and promised to look out for her! My husband thinks it’s unfair to ask him to babysit his adult sister and she just shouldn’t have gone if she wasn’t going to be able to handle it. He thinks it was naive of me to think models, actors and musicians wouldn’t be doing drugs.

OP posts:
maxtheblackcat · 19/10/2024 04:10

So we just had a good 20 minute chat with my son and his girlfriend while they were in the cab home.
He apologised and said he probably could have watched better but he didn’t realise that’s what she needed.
He thinks it’s unfair to expect him to have told her to not leave the bathroom without the friend she’d gone with. His girlfriend said “she’s a model, she does coke sometimes on a night out it’s a tale as old as time, she wasnt forcing it on daughter so it’s dramatic to get upset about it and even if it did make her uncomfortable she should have stepped outside the bathroom and waited there until the friend came out again her choice not to do that isn’t their fault”. I agree that it’s on my daughter for moving away from the person she was meant to be with but I do think that person should have been my son or his girlfriend. His girlfriend also said that they were told not to leave without telling her as security are always really strict at this club, daughter claims she didn’t hear this. Apparently the model friend who was doing coke did look for my daughter after she got out the bathroom and when she couldn’t find her text sons girlfriend saying she’d ran off but she just didn’t see the message. So people were trying to watch out for her.

My son wrapped the call with “I’m sorry it went to shit, I think it’s best she doesn’t come out with us again until she’s ready to handle it better on her own”
Im happy with this reply and my daughter is glad she went for dinner but isn’t in a hurry to go to a nightclub again anytime soon.

OP posts:
rayofsunshine86 · 19/10/2024 04:12

Trobealone · 19/10/2024 04:09

I don’t understand some of the responses here @maxtheblackcat

I’m old, but went for a night out last weekend and made sure my friend got home safely. I wouldn’t have left her.

Was there a discussion with brother beforehand? Don’t abandon your sister etc?

But he didn't abandon her. He said she should go to the bathroom with a friend, and then she left the club. There were assumptions on both sides which lead to the outcome.

Not your DS's fault at all, OP. It's a lesson learnt hard in this instance.

YellowPolkaDotBikini1980 · 19/10/2024 04:15

I think your DH is wrong that she shouldn't have gone.

It is actually great that it's been revealed how unprepared for adulthood both her parents have left her.

(1) People do drugs. You don't have to join in. You don't have to agree. You can ignore it, or if you want, use your words and say, 'I'm not comfortable with you doing that.' You'll probably be ignored right back. The solution is to go out with different people next time.

(2) People go to clubs to have fun. And also to find one night stands. A hand on a waist is a non sexual way to determine if someone is up for more touching. Should you put up with it at Tesco? Of course not. Context is king.

If you're calling that groping, then is she going to accuse people of 'groping' when they lean in for a kiss in some other context? In real life, sex is not negotiated with a contract. It's tiny gestures. And in an appropriate context, (so, not at work, not your line manager aged 45 when you're 18 etc.) When it is not reciprocated you back off. When the person doesn't back off, that's a problem.

(3) Your son was a bit nonchalant. He treated her like one of his London friends. Did he not know she was so fragile? Presumably he's been away from home since she was a young/mid teen or younger and he thought she would have grown up a bit since then. He would have thought she knew how to call herself a taxi. That she would have had the common sense to send a text.

Tldr: you and your husband need to do a better job getting her ready for the real world, and you don't have much time left.

hellywelly3 · 19/10/2024 04:16

It’s all a learning curve. She needs to learn how to handle herself on a night out. Don’t focus on the bad bits focus on the fact she’s had her first night out in London. Big brother probably should of don’t a better job but if he was drunk then he’s going to be a bit useless

OnaBegonia · 19/10/2024 04:17

And still you blame your DS, him or his gf should have escorted her to the loo?
Your DS is right, maybe she stays home with mummy until she's 40.

Overthinking22 · 19/10/2024 04:18

Your son is apologising for inviting your DD out, not hand holding her to the toilet, for her leaving the club and not knowing how to get a taxi?

I do have some sympathy for your DD, she got a fright but if you didn't know she would be able to handle a night out it's unfair to think your DS would know any better.

FacingTheWall · 19/10/2024 04:19

DS isn’t in the wrong here. He thought she was fine with his friend, dd is the one who wandered off and got herself separated from the group. She doesn’t need accompanying to the toilet by her brother!

Trobealone · 19/10/2024 04:20

@rayofsunshine86

But the OP said that there was still no word from brother when she got back to them.

So an hour? at least? with no communication from him about DD. And if his phone has died, then GF could have made contact?

I don’t think that’s keeping an eye out for his sister, which he said he’d do.

Womblewife · 19/10/2024 04:23

It’s really easy to get separated in a busy club and you’ll never hear your phone in there.
it’s no one’s fault. These things happen in busy nightclubs

maxtheblackcat · 19/10/2024 04:27

Trobealone · 19/10/2024 04:20

@rayofsunshine86

But the OP said that there was still no word from brother when she got back to them.

So an hour? at least? with no communication from him about DD. And if his phone has died, then GF could have made contact?

I don’t think that’s keeping an eye out for his sister, which he said he’d do.

He explained that he did delegate a little (admittedly not using these words as he was very much drunk!)

They said they sent her to bathroom with the friend as they trust her, yes she uses cocaine occasionally but she’s a good person. My son went to get drinks for everyone and the girlfriend was going to the smoking area and had offered to take my daughter to the bathroom after but she said she didn’t want to go the smoking area. After that they didn’t see friend again or daughter so assumed they were together doing there own thing and as much as they agreed to watch after her, they also weren’t going to stalk her.
It is what it is at the end of the day, both of them could have done better.

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 19/10/2024 04:36

He didn't abandon her he was still in the club as were the friends they went with. Your DD left

GreyCarpet · 19/10/2024 04:38

maxtheblackcat · 19/10/2024 04:10

So we just had a good 20 minute chat with my son and his girlfriend while they were in the cab home.
He apologised and said he probably could have watched better but he didn’t realise that’s what she needed.
He thinks it’s unfair to expect him to have told her to not leave the bathroom without the friend she’d gone with. His girlfriend said “she’s a model, she does coke sometimes on a night out it’s a tale as old as time, she wasnt forcing it on daughter so it’s dramatic to get upset about it and even if it did make her uncomfortable she should have stepped outside the bathroom and waited there until the friend came out again her choice not to do that isn’t their fault”. I agree that it’s on my daughter for moving away from the person she was meant to be with but I do think that person should have been my son or his girlfriend. His girlfriend also said that they were told not to leave without telling her as security are always really strict at this club, daughter claims she didn’t hear this. Apparently the model friend who was doing coke did look for my daughter after she got out the bathroom and when she couldn’t find her text sons girlfriend saying she’d ran off but she just didn’t see the message. So people were trying to watch out for her.

My son wrapped the call with “I’m sorry it went to shit, I think it’s best she doesn’t come out with us again until she’s ready to handle it better on her own”
Im happy with this reply and my daughter is glad she went for dinner but isn’t in a hurry to go to a nightclub again anytime soon.

This sounds like a fair resolution to.me tbf.

It's one thing asking him to keep.an eye on her but, at 25, if I'd been asked to keep.an eye on a 19 year old, I wouldn't presume I was literally their chaperone and they couldn't even go to the loo without me.

Your daughter does have some responsibility in that she left the club alone without telling anyone rather than going back to find her brother and his girlfriend.

I also think she should have been able to organise a taxi home on her own too.

It's fair enough to ask him to keep an eye on her in an unfamiliar setting but that's not the same as being responsible for her and she is an adult.

She does sound quite vulnerable. Maybe I've missed the reason for that but my daughter is 18 also probably and quite sheltered in some respects - definitely from the very less desirable parts of life - and she'd not have been happy to see people she was with doing coke either but she would have had the capacity to text him that she was leaving and book an uber home without panicking and needing strangers to help.

Nightclubs are big and loud and busy and it's really easy to get separated. And things don't always go perfectly to plan.

Maybe it's time to prepare her a bit more for adult.life. I have found that it's far better to prepare them for the 'real.world' than try and protect them from it because they are going to encounter it at some point.

ladycardamom · 19/10/2024 04:40

YNBU, DB should have kept an eye on her and put her in a cab home. YBU, to be surprised, a party like that had people doing coke in the loo. Night clubs, are noisy, heaving with hot, sweaty, dancing bodies. Dancing up close is how it works. I found a well aimed stiletto heel to their foot got rid of them.

OnaBegonia · 19/10/2024 04:41

@maxtheblackcat
both of them could have done better.
why are you so inistent on the blame being on DS and his GF? your DD made the wrong choices, nobody else.
It's clear you're disapproving of his GF and see your DD as an innocent wee girl that needs looked after, not a good look on you.

GreyCarpet · 19/10/2024 04:41

ladycardamom · 19/10/2024 04:40

YNBU, DB should have kept an eye on her and put her in a cab home. YBU, to be surprised, a party like that had people doing coke in the loo. Night clubs, are noisy, heaving with hot, sweaty, dancing bodies. Dancing up close is how it works. I found a well aimed stiletto heel to their foot got rid of them.

He couldn't put her in a cab home, she ran out of the club and didn't tell him she was going.

Applemayjune · 19/10/2024 04:43

maxtheblackcat · 19/10/2024 04:10

So we just had a good 20 minute chat with my son and his girlfriend while they were in the cab home.
He apologised and said he probably could have watched better but he didn’t realise that’s what she needed.
He thinks it’s unfair to expect him to have told her to not leave the bathroom without the friend she’d gone with. His girlfriend said “she’s a model, she does coke sometimes on a night out it’s a tale as old as time, she wasnt forcing it on daughter so it’s dramatic to get upset about it and even if it did make her uncomfortable she should have stepped outside the bathroom and waited there until the friend came out again her choice not to do that isn’t their fault”. I agree that it’s on my daughter for moving away from the person she was meant to be with but I do think that person should have been my son or his girlfriend. His girlfriend also said that they were told not to leave without telling her as security are always really strict at this club, daughter claims she didn’t hear this. Apparently the model friend who was doing coke did look for my daughter after she got out the bathroom and when she couldn’t find her text sons girlfriend saying she’d ran off but she just didn’t see the message. So people were trying to watch out for her.

My son wrapped the call with “I’m sorry it went to shit, I think it’s best she doesn’t come out with us again until she’s ready to handle it better on her own”
Im happy with this reply and my daughter is glad she went for dinner but isn’t in a hurry to go to a nightclub again anytime soon.

I have to say,

His girlfriend doesn't sound nice there.

maxtheblackcat · 19/10/2024 04:43

OnaBegonia · 19/10/2024 04:41

@maxtheblackcat
both of them could have done better.
why are you so inistent on the blame being on DS and his GF? your DD made the wrong choices, nobody else.
It's clear you're disapproving of his GF and see your DD as an innocent wee girl that needs looked after, not a good look on you.

By both I meant my daughter and my son. I have no opinion on the girlfriend’s behaviour as she’s not my child!

OP posts:
AngeloMysterioso · 19/10/2024 04:43

I thought we’d moved past men thinking they have a right to a woman’s body.

Ahahaha 😂
Someone really should tell the men!

[My husband] thinks it was naive of me to think models, actors and musicians wouldn’t be doing drugs.

Well he’s dead right about that. Most of those types exist on a diet of cocaine, cigarettes and booze. She ran off without telling anyone because she saw somebody doing a few lines in a nightclub loo? It’s not like they were shooting heroin… she’s clearly been babied way too much for way too long.

GreyCarpet · 19/10/2024 04:45

I’m old, but went for a night out last weekend and made sure my friend got home safely. I wouldn’t have left her

I wouldn't leave someone either but if they went to the loo with another person and then ran off and left the building, that wouldn't be you leaving them would it?

Mumtobabyhavoc · 19/10/2024 04:45

AngeloMysterioso · 19/10/2024 04:43

I thought we’d moved past men thinking they have a right to a woman’s body.

Ahahaha 😂
Someone really should tell the men!

[My husband] thinks it was naive of me to think models, actors and musicians wouldn’t be doing drugs.

Well he’s dead right about that. Most of those types exist on a diet of cocaine, cigarettes and booze. She ran off without telling anyone because she saw somebody doing a few lines in a nightclub loo? It’s not like they were shooting heroin… she’s clearly been babied way too much for way too long.

Yes, she really should get out amongst drug users more often. Time to toughen up. 👍

ChampagneLassie · 19/10/2024 04:49

It sounds like she left of her own accord, what was your son supposed to do. I really am amazed at how sheltered your DD is at 19, she could be travelling the world, working, married, raising children and yet she’s not sure how to get a taxi in her own. I think you need to get her acting more independently and build some confidence and resilience asap

GreyCarpet · 19/10/2024 04:51

She should be married and raising children at 19?

I think it's fair to suggest that the girl has been unreasonably sheltered but that's over egging it somewhat.

Ah you said could. It's early and I dot have glasses on 🙄

goldenshred · 19/10/2024 05:01

AngeloMysterioso · 19/10/2024 04:43

I thought we’d moved past men thinking they have a right to a woman’s body.

Ahahaha 😂
Someone really should tell the men!

[My husband] thinks it was naive of me to think models, actors and musicians wouldn’t be doing drugs.

Well he’s dead right about that. Most of those types exist on a diet of cocaine, cigarettes and booze. She ran off without telling anyone because she saw somebody doing a few lines in a nightclub loo? It’s not like they were shooting heroin… she’s clearly been babied way too much for way too long.

I think they vape now! Apparently they can also order all sorts now that comes in the post or via deliveroo etc.

createadifference · 19/10/2024 05:01

It was never your sons responsibility to look after a grown adult on her (first???) night out. Of course that'd be a decent expectation but things are constantly changing when you go out and blaming it on your son is exceptionally unfair. From experience, plans for nights out change very quckly. And if she's running away from her friends she needs to understand the consequences of that. - make sure she never leaves her friends/family for strangers . Honestly sounds like she's been quite sheltered in her lige so far which is (potentially) okay as long as she us exposed to tye real world going forward

rainfallpurevividcat · 19/10/2024 05:01

"(2) People go to clubs to have fun. And also to find one night stands. A hand on a waist is a non sexual way to determine if someone is up for more touching. Should you put up with it at Tesco? Of course not. Context is king."

It's never ok to randomly put your hands on anyone's waist or back. Wasn't ok 30 years ago and it's not ok now. The only clubs where that used to happen were the sleazy ones we avoided in future. I used to go for a good dance. You don't automatically consent to being touched by strangers by going to a club. That's not to say I've never had a brief relationship with someone I've met on a night out but we definitely talked to one another first before any physical contact went on.

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