Angry with son for abandoning daughter on night out

[maxtheblackcat]

I need some perspective before I say anything as I’m so angry right now I could be very unfair.
I have lived a very sheltered life, I know this and try to be mindful that it can make me naive. My son who is 25 lives in London, his girlfriend works in the fashion and entertainment industry and has some friends who are actors/musicians/models. Not your household names but none the less famous and have some influence. We are down visiting son in London, my daughter who’s 19 came with us. My daughter is on a gap year, she isn’t the most confident and doesn’t really do the whole drinking/club scene. Even if she did our nearest clubs are small so a very different feel.
Some of sons girlfriends friends were planning a night out, they had a reservation at a lovely expensive restaurant and then were on the guest list for a seemingly high end/exclusive club. My daughter ended up invited, she was hesitant but decided to go as she felt it was an opportunity she didn’t want to miss, and I get it if I was 19 if want to hang out with musicians and actors and models too! She was nervous but my son and his girlfriend promised they’d keep an eye on her.
We don’t hear anything most of the night until about half past midnight when my daughter calls me in tears, she says she stepped out as she felt really uncomfortable, that she’d gone to the bathroom and the girl who had got them on the guest list was sniffing coke, older guys were being provocative, she didn’t know where son or his girlfriend were. I told her to call him and get him to either put her in a cab back to the hotel or take her home, she was panicking and not used to London at all and nervous of being in a cab alone late at night.
Typically he didn’t answer, she tried the girlfriend too no answer, we tried them both. We then told her to go back in and find him but the security guard wouldn’t let her unless the girl who she was a guest off (so girlfriends friend) came out and verified who she was and let her in. I’m not sure if this is standard practice but obviously, my DD doesn’t know this girl at all and had no way of contacting this girl and the security guard wasn’t helpful at all. My daughter was panicking and a group of girls walking by noticed and helped her get a cab back to the hotel. Luckily she’s here with us now and while shaken up she’s okay. We have always taught our kids to never be around people doing drugs and had a “fly with the crows, shot with the crows” mantra. My daughter said this is the first time she’d ever actually seen anyone doing lines of cocaine and the men were being so sleazy.
We still haven’t heard from my son which makes me think he hasn’t even noticed that she isn’t there!!

AIBU to be absolutely disgusted with him and beyond angry? He knew that his sister was new to all of this and promised to look out for her! My husband thinks it’s unfair to ask him to babysit his adult sister and she just shouldn’t have gone if she wasn’t going to be able to handle it. He thinks it was naive of me to think models, actors and musicians wouldn’t be doing drugs.

I'm cringing at your blatant and poor attempt at re writing what has been said.

Plus the fact you've not read OPs responses where she finally discovered that the daughter didn't actually go back to the meeting point where they had been all night.

Goodness. My 18y would view that as creepy behaviour and challenge that. Sad that so many women here are accepting and normalising it. This thread has been an eye-opener. Probably the same women who view wolfwhistles as a compliment!

Ah get lost.

You've no cop on at all. Have you been in a nightclub?

Right cha ching.

Tell me this.

300 hundred people are in a small packed space.

To get out of the club - you literallly have to push past people to move forward.

How do you do that without touching people?

The way you spoke to me there is disgusting . I don't think wolf whistles are a compliment.

I said if you have hundreds of people squeezed into a very packed space, it's impossible to walk everywhere without touching someone.

People squeeze past each other and touch waists and backs. It's an extremely cramped space in a nightclub

Well, almost a 1000 posts.

Add being in the Daily Mail to your DDs list of firsts this week.

Well done. Do you want a medal?!

Ooh is it in the dailymail?

I wouldn't have thought it was that interesting of a thread.

Normally they like the more shocking threads

You can push past people without holding them round the waist. I have been to lots of London clubs and bars and manage it. How weird to think you need to put your hands on someone’s waist to squeeze past them!

Again I never said you need to.

I said it happens! In a small space! When people are drunk.

It happened to the OPs daughter. It's happened to me, and it happens to nearly everyone.

Who cares

You totally twisted my words again.

Where did I say "you need to put your hands on someone's waist".

I didn't.

I said it happens! Ffs

I care. And I have taught my young adult son to respect people’s personal space and I am pretty sure he would never put his hands around a woman’s waist to try and squeeze past. He is a decent type. I guess not all men learn this so we are where we are.

I won’t shrug and say it’s normal though. Men need to behave and women need to have zero tolerance. There is no need to put your hands on someone’s waist to move past them.

The comments started about touching a woman’s waist. And people, maybe you, I can’t remember, excusing it. Saying it isn’t a sexual area. Of course you have to make contact with people to squeeze past. Don’t be disingenuous and that’s not what was originally said.

ETA yes it was you. Saying it isn’t a sexual area. Some women really have a low bar on MN.

To blame - the perverts on the dance floor
Not to blame - your son

Your daughter is an adult she should be able
To get herself a taxi home, unless she is special needs then she doesn't need a chaperone. I feel sorry for her but sometimes people don't hear their phones on nights out.

She was lucky to get an invite and it's unlikely she will again.

A waist isn't a sexual area though. I said a fact.

Look up what are sexual areas on a womans body.

A waist isn't a sexual area, and never was.

We had work photos taken recently. Me and my colleagues were standing together.

My male colleague put his hand on my waist for the photo. I thought it was fine and so did everyone else

You often see adults standing in photos with their hands on waists.

She was lucky to get an invite and it's unlikely she will again.

Read the OP's updates @Unexpectedlysinglemum

It's pretty shocking that a 19 year old didn't know how to call or get a taxi?!

You're vile.

She has some growing up to do. I'm not sure that's her brother's fault. If I were him, and you went off on me, she wouldn't get another invitation. It's naive to think that actors and musicians in a club aren't doing drugs. Panicking so much she can't call a cab is unsafe, in my opinion.

Edit: read updates. Good outcome.

He had someone take her to the loo, which isn't the norm as you'd expect a 19 year old to be able to do that by herself. She then left the club after, not the brother, he didn't just "wander off".

Lol of course he is. Is there any doubt? It’s very normalised in London.

I don’t know what ‘norm’ you are talking about, it is actually very normal for young women to go to a toilet in groups in a night club.

Well that’s just an example of having higher expectations of women and lower expectations of men

Oh that's lovely of them.

I didn't expect an update of "she's going back out clubbing the following night" but honestly I'm not that surprised. Like I said earlier, I was overwhelmed and a bit panicky when I first went clubbing in London. But even though I was a bit shaken afterwards I still wanted to do it again as soon as possible. I loved the music, the dancing, the loudness. The stuff that overwhelmed me was also what appealed to me. Have loved clubs ever since.

And while I also pointed out earlier that your son wasn't at fault given your daughter made some silly and unpredictable choices, she absolutely shouldn't feel ashamed of herself. Like your son's friends told her, we've all been there. Every streetwise cool kid who knows how to navigate the club instinctively was a scared newbie once. She had a wobble and panicked - it's fine, it happens! And nothing bad happened, and the entire experience will be a formative one in making her more resilient. Happy ending all round.

Also, your son's friends must have liked her. If she'd been a drag they wouldn't have bothered.

I am too old to care about personal insults from Internet randoms.

I would suggest that the vile ones are people who are insulting a 19-year-old who is navigating life. People who are ignorant that different young adults mature at different times. Some of the comments to this young person and her mum have been horrible.

And as ever the low standards for men is apparent on Mumsnet. My son would look out for his sister and she would look out for him. That is what a supportive family does. What kind of boys are parents here raising who would not want to be around their sister and not care about them?? Parents who are raising men and accepting they will grope women.

There is no hope unless we raise a better next generation. Thankfully the young adult men I know are kind and respectful. I hope others exist and this low bar is just MN madness.

OP glad there was a good outcome. You have coped well with the unpleasant comments here, and have taken on the constructive ones! We never stop worrying as parents just because our kids are now adults.