Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Angry with son for abandoning daughter on night out

1000 replies

maxtheblackcat · 19/10/2024 02:15

I need some perspective before I say anything as I’m so angry right now I could be very unfair.
I have lived a very sheltered life, I know this and try to be mindful that it can make me naive. My son who is 25 lives in London, his girlfriend works in the fashion and entertainment industry and has some friends who are actors/musicians/models. Not your household names but none the less famous and have some influence. We are down visiting son in London, my daughter who’s 19 came with us. My daughter is on a gap year, she isn’t the most confident and doesn’t really do the whole drinking/club scene. Even if she did our nearest clubs are small so a very different feel.
Some of sons girlfriends friends were planning a night out, they had a reservation at a lovely expensive restaurant and then were on the guest list for a seemingly high end/exclusive club. My daughter ended up invited, she was hesitant but decided to go as she felt it was an opportunity she didn’t want to miss, and I get it if I was 19 if want to hang out with musicians and actors and models too! She was nervous but my son and his girlfriend promised they’d keep an eye on her.
We don’t hear anything most of the night until about half past midnight when my daughter calls me in tears, she says she stepped out as she felt really uncomfortable, that she’d gone to the bathroom and the girl who had got them on the guest list was sniffing coke, older guys were being provocative, she didn’t know where son or his girlfriend were. I told her to call him and get him to either put her in a cab back to the hotel or take her home, she was panicking and not used to London at all and nervous of being in a cab alone late at night.
Typically he didn’t answer, she tried the girlfriend too no answer, we tried them both. We then told her to go back in and find him but the security guard wouldn’t let her unless the girl who she was a guest off (so girlfriends friend) came out and verified who she was and let her in. I’m not sure if this is standard practice but obviously, my DD doesn’t know this girl at all and had no way of contacting this girl and the security guard wasn’t helpful at all. My daughter was panicking and a group of girls walking by noticed and helped her get a cab back to the hotel. Luckily she’s here with us now and while shaken up she’s okay. We have always taught our kids to never be around people doing drugs and had a “fly with the crows, shot with the crows” mantra. My daughter said this is the first time she’d ever actually seen anyone doing lines of cocaine and the men were being so sleazy.
We still haven’t heard from my son which makes me think he hasn’t even noticed that she isn’t there!!

AIBU to be absolutely disgusted with him and beyond angry? He knew that his sister was new to all of this and promised to look out for her! My husband thinks it’s unfair to ask him to babysit his adult sister and she just shouldn’t have gone if she wasn’t going to be able to handle it. He thinks it was naive of me to think models, actors and musicians wouldn’t be doing drugs.

OP posts:
WhingeInTheWillows · 19/10/2024 02:39

Maybe he doesn’t know she’s gone. Why didn’t she go and tell him she wanted to keave?I don’t think it’s his fault.

maxtheblackcat · 19/10/2024 02:39

Sorry to clarify, she did look for him after coming back from the bathroom, he wasn’t where he had been and while searching a little men were groping and grinding so she got panicked and stepped out, she wouldn’t have had she known she wouldn’t be allowed back in.
For those shocked she hasn’t been on a night out, I’m in my 50s and I’ve never been in a night club, that just doesn’t appeal to some of us and that’s okay!

OP posts:
Ilovelifeveryverymuch · 19/10/2024 02:40

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

coxesorangepippin · 19/10/2024 02:40

Meh

She's 19.

Models, coke, etc whatever. She got in a taxi and was home safe.

I was 15 and our mate famously abandoned us (apparently she couldn't find us in the club) and went home and told her parents, who then called my parents, who naturally freaked out. Never spoke to that girl again as she just seemed like a tell tale.

coxesorangepippin · 19/10/2024 02:41

and while searching a little men were groping and grinding so she got panicked and stepped out,

^

This does usually happens in clubs

Applemayjune · 19/10/2024 02:42

She can't expect her brother to look after her. It's probably not a good idea to go out with her older brothers friends as maybe he doesn't want his little sister tagging along.

She should go out with her own friends

Applemayjune · 19/10/2024 02:42

coxesorangepippin · 19/10/2024 02:41

and while searching a little men were groping and grinding so she got panicked and stepped out,

^

This does usually happens in clubs

Yep it happens a lot

BasiliskStare · 19/10/2024 02:43

If she goes to London ( or where I am sure not just London ) again I would do one of two things - 1) make sure she has enough money for a cab home tucked away safely or 2) put the uber / one of the many cab firm apps on her phone and then she can get home and text bro later. OR you could have called a cab for her to get her home. I know Dh thought you should not have to - but a back stop.

I am sorry she had a bad evening which promised to be a good evening but she is back now. I hope it will not stop her trying something new again .

thaegumathteth · 19/10/2024 02:43

She chose to leave the club to call you. Her brother and girlfriend won't have heard their phones and probably think she's in the club having fun.

Tbh she's 19 and probably needs to toughen up a bit. I mean what was she shaken up by? Nothing happened.

maxtheblackcat · 19/10/2024 02:44

Applemayjune · 19/10/2024 02:42

She can't expect her brother to look after her. It's probably not a good idea to go out with her older brothers friends as maybe he doesn't want his little sister tagging along.

She should go out with her own friends

They invited her, she would never consider going if he didn’t want to and it was hardly the type of night out she could just tag along to!

OP posts:
muggart · 19/10/2024 02:44

I'm a bit confused, are you saying that random men were groping and grinding against HER specifically? Because if so I can see why she found that horrible.

But if she panicked and ran out of the club simply because she saw someone doing drugs and people doing raunchy dancing in the club then I think she sounds a bit mad and you can't really expect your DS to predict that reaction.

offyoujollywelltrot · 19/10/2024 02:44

God this place sometimes

People go on about the safety of women and girls, yet something like this happens and suddenly a young woman and her mum are overreacting.

Good talk.

DoreenonTill8 · 19/10/2024 02:45

She does sound very sheltered, am assuming no plans to leave home or go to uni? If do maybe some practice at resilience and how to call a taxi/uber? I doubt you'll be wanting to be a 2am taxi service forever!

maxtheblackcat · 19/10/2024 02:45

muggart · 19/10/2024 02:44

I'm a bit confused, are you saying that random men were groping and grinding against HER specifically? Because if so I can see why she found that horrible.

But if she panicked and ran out of the club simply because she saw someone doing drugs and people doing raunchy dancing in the club then I think she sounds a bit mad and you can't really expect your DS to predict that reaction.

No there were men who she reckons were 25-30+ groping her, putting their hands on her waist as she moved past etc.

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 19/10/2024 02:46

I have DC that age. We too live in a small town. I wouldn't be livid with DS - I can see how he might get separated from DD and then miss some phone calls.

The issue here is that you hadn't prepared her about what to do if she found herself alone. I took my DD to NYC when she was 17 and made sure she knew how to get back to the hotel if were became separated (obviously weren't clubbing!) A 19yo should be able to get a taxi or tube independently without crying in panic. Now that you're in London, it's a good time to teach her this life skill.

Applemayjune · 19/10/2024 02:46

maxtheblackcat · 19/10/2024 02:44

They invited her, she would never consider going if he didn’t want to and it was hardly the type of night out she could just tag along to!

Did your son invite her , or did his girlfriend invite her?

You said it was an event that his girlfriends friends were going to

maxtheblackcat · 19/10/2024 02:46

DoreenonTill8 · 19/10/2024 02:45

She does sound very sheltered, am assuming no plans to leave home or go to uni? If do maybe some practice at resilience and how to call a taxi/uber? I doubt you'll be wanting to be a 2am taxi service forever!

Like I mentioned she was panicking and overwhelmed, she’d have figured it out if she were calmer. Though she has said she was also scared as she’s heard horror stories of girls being abused in cabs and Ubers.

OP posts:
Applemayjune · 19/10/2024 02:46

At least she knows how to get a taxi now.

That's a good life skill

Delphiniumandlupins · 19/10/2024 02:47

It's easy to be wise afterwards but you can help your DD plan how to keep herself safe in future. Have any of you left your son a message that his sister is now back at the hotel with you? I think DS and his girlfriend should have been keeping a closer eye on her, she wouldn't have known anyone else.

maxtheblackcat · 19/10/2024 02:47

Applemayjune · 19/10/2024 02:46

Did your son invite her , or did his girlfriend invite her?

You said it was an event that his girlfriends friends were going to

I think both son and his girlfriend, but it was the girlfriend’s friends.

OP posts:
coxesorangepippin · 19/10/2024 02:47

This is getting a bit dramatic

19 year old woman in a bar who's surprised a guy puts his hands on her waist??

Is it her first time out??

thaegumathteth · 19/10/2024 02:49

OP be careful not to build this up into something it's not. You need to help her be more resilient and build on her life skills. This isn't your ds's fault and even if it were, well then, she should be able to cope.

Also as annoying as it is I don't think men putting hands on waists is the same as groping which is sexual assault.

MoleAndBadger · 19/10/2024 02:50

To be fair, at her age I would've panicked. I was raised in a very small village and had never been to a pub or club in London. In fact at 18 / 19 I'd never been to a club in my closest city!.

I went to a couple of pubs with school friends but wasn't that fussed - I didn't really drink and preferred to meet up in friends houses.

My older sibling may have done exactly the same as your son. She would've got bored of 'babysitting me', decided that I needed to grow up a bit and probably wandered off. I could have called an Uber had they existed back then but in the moment I may have felt upset plus I would've hated the groping/attention thing.

I think you need to check that your son is okay before ranting. Get his version of events first. He should've maybe checked she was okay because regardless of everything else, she only knew him and his gf.

Ilovelifeveryverymuch · 19/10/2024 02:51

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

maxtheblackcat · 19/10/2024 02:51

thaegumathteth · 19/10/2024 02:49

OP be careful not to build this up into something it's not. You need to help her be more resilient and build on her life skills. This isn't your ds's fault and even if it were, well then, she should be able to cope.

Also as annoying as it is I don't think men putting hands on waists is the same as groping which is sexual assault.

DD claims more than one guy grabbed her but when she was walking past. And even if hands on waist isn’t sexual assault touching someone without their consent is never okay.

OP posts:
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is not accepting new messages.