Angry with son for abandoning daughter on night out

[maxtheblackcat]

I need some perspective before I say anything as I’m so angry right now I could be very unfair.
I have lived a very sheltered life, I know this and try to be mindful that it can make me naive. My son who is 25 lives in London, his girlfriend works in the fashion and entertainment industry and has some friends who are actors/musicians/models. Not your household names but none the less famous and have some influence. We are down visiting son in London, my daughter who’s 19 came with us. My daughter is on a gap year, she isn’t the most confident and doesn’t really do the whole drinking/club scene. Even if she did our nearest clubs are small so a very different feel.
Some of sons girlfriends friends were planning a night out, they had a reservation at a lovely expensive restaurant and then were on the guest list for a seemingly high end/exclusive club. My daughter ended up invited, she was hesitant but decided to go as she felt it was an opportunity she didn’t want to miss, and I get it if I was 19 if want to hang out with musicians and actors and models too! She was nervous but my son and his girlfriend promised they’d keep an eye on her.
We don’t hear anything most of the night until about half past midnight when my daughter calls me in tears, she says she stepped out as she felt really uncomfortable, that she’d gone to the bathroom and the girl who had got them on the guest list was sniffing coke, older guys were being provocative, she didn’t know where son or his girlfriend were. I told her to call him and get him to either put her in a cab back to the hotel or take her home, she was panicking and not used to London at all and nervous of being in a cab alone late at night.
Typically he didn’t answer, she tried the girlfriend too no answer, we tried them both. We then told her to go back in and find him but the security guard wouldn’t let her unless the girl who she was a guest off (so girlfriends friend) came out and verified who she was and let her in. I’m not sure if this is standard practice but obviously, my DD doesn’t know this girl at all and had no way of contacting this girl and the security guard wasn’t helpful at all. My daughter was panicking and a group of girls walking by noticed and helped her get a cab back to the hotel. Luckily she’s here with us now and while shaken up she’s okay. We have always taught our kids to never be around people doing drugs and had a “fly with the crows, shot with the crows” mantra. My daughter said this is the first time she’d ever actually seen anyone doing lines of cocaine and the men were being so sleazy.
We still haven’t heard from my son which makes me think he hasn’t even noticed that she isn’t there!!

AIBU to be absolutely disgusted with him and beyond angry? He knew that his sister was new to all of this and promised to look out for her! My husband thinks it’s unfair to ask him to babysit his adult sister and she just shouldn’t have gone if she wasn’t going to be able to handle it. He thinks it was naive of me to think models, actors and musicians wouldn’t be doing drugs.

Whatever makes you happy lol 🤷‍♀️🙄

Your vile for accusing people on this thread of enjoying unwanted male attention.

You've lied about there being posts on here that support unwanted male attention because not once has anybody said that.

All you are doing is making yourself look unhinged because you've invented a narrative and using it to argue and insult people.

Embarrassing.

If you can’t read between the lines of what has been written here about male behaviour, then I cannot help you I am afraid.

People are dreadful for mocking the 19y old. It’s sad you cannot see that either.

You are one insulting me btw. And if you want to insult me, please use the correct word; it is ‘you’re vile’, not ‘your vile’ ;-)

You can let men touch your waist if you want. It would be very much an invasion of my personal space so I won’t allow it. I do not want a random man putting his hands on my waist thanks, but we are all different I guess.

You're no better.

You've come on, failed to read updates from the OP which confirmed everyone was right in their thought process and proceeded to insult everyone with every post.

How can you possibly think you're looking good in all of this?!

And correcting a spelling mistake doesn't mean anything. It just means you've run out of any point to make.

Do better.

Ah, spelling and grammatical mistakes always annoy me. I admit that is my flaw.

Supporting this young woman and not accepting the norm of male groping? Well I will never change my stance on that, whatever the majority on MN think.

And I really am not posting to look good! Are you?!

Meant the norm as in brothers asking a friend to go to the loo with their sister, which showed he did care and looked after her till then.

I would suggest that the vile ones are people who are insulting a 19-year-old who is navigating life. People who are ignorant that different young adults mature at different times. Some of the comments to this young person and her mum have been horrible.

I couldn't agree with you more @Chachanging

Thanks.

At university in London, I met a girl from a strict religious Muslim background who had had a sheltered life. She wasn’t religious and wanted to have fun. But she was clearly a bit naive and shell-shocked. But we supported her as she got used to a new way of living.

Would people here say she was pathetic and mock her? Or realise that she hadn’t had the relevant life experiences and understand? The fact she was an ‘adult’ made no difference to her maturity and understanding of the world as she simply hadn’t had the opportunities.

I agree.
Just because some posters were totally cool with people taking class A drugs and men groping them when they were 19 in 1973 is completely irrelevant.

I agree with this. She got separated so surely knew to just get a cab. It doesn't sounds like she can cope being out in a big city, which is fine but no one else's fault

How did the 2nd night out go Op?

Sounds like the son and gf are more responsible than first appeared.Good for them!

And sounds like daughter is a bit more prepared.

Much much better!!
Just met up with them for lunch (she ended up staying at one son’s house) and they are very much hung over but she says she had a great time. My son said they got separated for an hour or so in the club but she had gone to meet some people with the model friend.
It sounds like an odd thing to be proud of but I am proud of my daughter today!

Ah well that’s a happy ending for all! Glad to hear your daughter put herself out her comfort zone, sensible decisions were made and she enjoyed her night out. All’s well that ends well. 🙂

He offered to 'look after her' as she was nervous whether she's 19 or 49 that's the point. She made her decision to go feeling he was there to help.

He, unless there's a massive decent reason, was a dick.....if he didn't want to help don't offer.
So yeah I'd be annoyed as hell but get the facts first incase there's good reason.

Hi,

well if they both said they would look after her but were no show…they both failed as she ended up in tears, not being able to get back in party and having to count on strangers to get to you.

I would defo have a word with son that he might want to rethink what it means to make sure someone is ok and not to promise he would look after if he then bail out. No excuses accepted. He failed that time. Hopefully that won’t happen again.

Good luck 🌺

Hopefully this has been a learning experience for your DD. She sounds very innocent for her age.
I don't think your DS did anything wrong.

She is not a child.
She left the club. She then couldn't get back in - her fault and really silly. You should have a word with her about this.
He didn't answer his phone - not that surprising in a loud night club. This kind of thing is pretty standard.
In any event she had a phone and money so could get a cab. Tbh you need to speak to her about how to look after herself.

Maybe I have better friends, but when I used to go clubbing we’d always look out for each other.

If one person went missing, we’d all go and look for them.

I am in total agreement with you. Before they left to go out, your son said he and his girlfriend said they would look after your daughter and they obviously did not. Your daughter must have felt scared, being alone in an unfamiliar place with no one around her who was a friend, no wonder she was so upset. Your son needs to know what they have done, l would be fuming if my son did the same to my daughter. The worrying part of this too is that they haven't even noticed you have been trying to call them on their phones, they are out of order.

She’s young to be out alone, but black cabs are incredibly safe; one of the safest places to be in London. She should have asked security to help get a cab.

Just another thread where poor male behaviour is excused by many.
She was in a large strange city and her brother said he would mind her late at night.
She made the decision to go on that basis.
So many nasty posts about it being her fault not to be used to clubbing in a strange city.🙄
I would be very disappointed in my sons if either were to behave like that.
Pretty sure they wouldn't, because they are trustworthy, and the fact that he was uncontactable tells me how lightly he took his responsibility to his sister.

I am sure once at University she will acquire many more life skills to arm her with the confidence and maturity to navigate some areas of going on a night out, as well as other scenarios.

The fact is, your daughter has been sheltered, your son knew that and was asked to keep an eye out for her and he didn’t. The comments about her age, that she should be able to look after herself etc are irrelevant to your daughter’s situation. Your son should have been keeping an eye on her but I don’t think I would necessarily give him a massive telling off, as they are both adults. Perhaps it’s your daughter who should talk to him about how she felt.