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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Angry with son for abandoning daughter on night out

1000 replies

maxtheblackcat · 19/10/2024 02:15

I need some perspective before I say anything as I’m so angry right now I could be very unfair.
I have lived a very sheltered life, I know this and try to be mindful that it can make me naive. My son who is 25 lives in London, his girlfriend works in the fashion and entertainment industry and has some friends who are actors/musicians/models. Not your household names but none the less famous and have some influence. We are down visiting son in London, my daughter who’s 19 came with us. My daughter is on a gap year, she isn’t the most confident and doesn’t really do the whole drinking/club scene. Even if she did our nearest clubs are small so a very different feel.
Some of sons girlfriends friends were planning a night out, they had a reservation at a lovely expensive restaurant and then were on the guest list for a seemingly high end/exclusive club. My daughter ended up invited, she was hesitant but decided to go as she felt it was an opportunity she didn’t want to miss, and I get it if I was 19 if want to hang out with musicians and actors and models too! She was nervous but my son and his girlfriend promised they’d keep an eye on her.
We don’t hear anything most of the night until about half past midnight when my daughter calls me in tears, she says she stepped out as she felt really uncomfortable, that she’d gone to the bathroom and the girl who had got them on the guest list was sniffing coke, older guys were being provocative, she didn’t know where son or his girlfriend were. I told her to call him and get him to either put her in a cab back to the hotel or take her home, she was panicking and not used to London at all and nervous of being in a cab alone late at night.
Typically he didn’t answer, she tried the girlfriend too no answer, we tried them both. We then told her to go back in and find him but the security guard wouldn’t let her unless the girl who she was a guest off (so girlfriends friend) came out and verified who she was and let her in. I’m not sure if this is standard practice but obviously, my DD doesn’t know this girl at all and had no way of contacting this girl and the security guard wasn’t helpful at all. My daughter was panicking and a group of girls walking by noticed and helped her get a cab back to the hotel. Luckily she’s here with us now and while shaken up she’s okay. We have always taught our kids to never be around people doing drugs and had a “fly with the crows, shot with the crows” mantra. My daughter said this is the first time she’d ever actually seen anyone doing lines of cocaine and the men were being so sleazy.
We still haven’t heard from my son which makes me think he hasn’t even noticed that she isn’t there!!

AIBU to be absolutely disgusted with him and beyond angry? He knew that his sister was new to all of this and promised to look out for her! My husband thinks it’s unfair to ask him to babysit his adult sister and she just shouldn’t have gone if she wasn’t going to be able to handle it. He thinks it was naive of me to think models, actors and musicians wouldn’t be doing drugs.

OP posts:
DoreenonTill8 · 19/10/2024 02:52

maxtheblackcat · 19/10/2024 02:46

Like I mentioned she was panicking and overwhelmed, she’d have figured it out if she were calmer. Though she has said she was also scared as she’s heard horror stories of girls being abused in cabs and Ubers.

And with that I repeat my Really? At 19?
Is she your blue eyed innocent baby and he's her big bad brother?

I think you all need to go home and she needs to recognise she's not quite ready for nights out.
I'm assuming your plan is now to go the 'mn nuclear' at DS while DD does the quivering lip damsel in distress in the background?

username3678 · 19/10/2024 02:54

Get her to download Uber on her phone and show her how to use it.

thaegumathteth · 19/10/2024 02:55

OP tbh you and dd sound like you enjoy the attention of being a bit pathetic and 'pure'. You are not helping her by indulging her victim complex. Men are creeps and it's not on but her reaction is absurd and she needs to learn to cope and not be scared of the world,

Applemayjune · 19/10/2024 02:56

maxtheblackcat · 19/10/2024 02:51

DD claims more than one guy grabbed her but when she was walking past. And even if hands on waist isn’t sexual assault touching someone without their consent is never okay.

Yea but men do that to everyone in a nightclub.

Nightclubs are tightly packed with bodies, people are drunk, and people just come up and start trying to dance with you

Applemayjune · 19/10/2024 02:57

Yeah i don't think "sheltered" Is an excuse.

Lots of people grow up in villages.

I grew up in a tiny village. Then when I was 18 I moved away to Uni and looked after myself on nights out

LynetteScavo · 19/10/2024 02:57

What was the plan for your DD getting home? Was your DS going to take her back to his place when he'd finished partying?

maxtheblackcat · 19/10/2024 02:59

Applemayjune · 19/10/2024 02:56

Yea but men do that to everyone in a nightclub.

Nightclubs are tightly packed with bodies, people are drunk, and people just come up and start trying to dance with you

And we are saying this is okay and not at all inappropriate?
I thought we’d moved past men thinking they have a right to a woman’s body.

OP posts:
maxtheblackcat · 19/10/2024 03:00

LynetteScavo · 19/10/2024 02:57

What was the plan for your DD getting home? Was your DS going to take her back to his place when he'd finished partying?

He was either going to take her to his or bring her here.

OP posts:
Applemayjune · 19/10/2024 03:02

maxtheblackcat · 19/10/2024 02:59

And we are saying this is okay and not at all inappropriate?
I thought we’d moved past men thinking they have a right to a woman’s body.

Of course it's not ideal. But you have to be realistic.

How is anyone going to stop it happening in a dark dance club, where a hundred people are pressed up against each other. And they are drunk

You know what you're signing up for when you go to those places.

mamabluestar · 19/10/2024 03:05

offyoujollywelltrot · 19/10/2024 02:44

God this place sometimes

People go on about the safety of women and girls, yet something like this happens and suddenly a young woman and her mum are overreacting.

Good talk.

Absolutely this.

I'm completely flabbergasted at some of these replies. Just because some people are more street wise, have put up with unwanted touching, are used to watching people take recreational drugs, have (adult!) children who don't give a fuck about the safety of who they spend time with it doesn't mean it's the acceptable!

Assuming that your son and his girlfriend are safe; I'd be having a conversation about tonight's events and the relationship with the girlfriend would be seriously tarnished.

wandawaves · 19/10/2024 03:06

If he abandoned her the whole night after agreeing to look after her, then fine, be cranky. But it doesn't sound like that's what happened? She went to the bathroom and everything went downhill quickly from there when she started panicking. She couldn't find him straight away (normal in a packed night club), and he didn't answer his phone (normal, how do you expect him to hear it!). People dancing up against her is also normal, men touching her waist etc is unfortunately also to be expected.

I must say that if she gets herself into such a panicked state that she needed rescuing by some randoms, then I agree with your DH that she probably shouldn't have gone. She needs to be able to pull her head together even in a shitty situation, and figure out a plan of getting herself to safety.

Applemayjune · 19/10/2024 03:08

mamabluestar · 19/10/2024 03:05

Absolutely this.

I'm completely flabbergasted at some of these replies. Just because some people are more street wise, have put up with unwanted touching, are used to watching people take recreational drugs, have (adult!) children who don't give a fuck about the safety of who they spend time with it doesn't mean it's the acceptable!

Assuming that your son and his girlfriend are safe; I'd be having a conversation about tonight's events and the relationship with the girlfriend would be seriously tarnished.

Ah come on. We were all looking after ourselves on nights out from age 18.

She needs to wise up.

Tourmalines · 19/10/2024 03:09

She hasn’t built up resilience . She’s been helicoptered too much . This is the result .

DoreenonTill8 · 19/10/2024 03:10

Assuming that your son and his girlfriend are safe; I'd be having a conversation about tonight's events and the relationship with the girlfriend would be seriously tarnished.

Oh I think that was a given from the start!
Do you think dd likes the GF and even her DB?
If op helicopters to this extent and berates the ds, without even caring to find out his side of things, but straight into 'poor dd, you dreadful awful people!!' I can't imagine there'll be much of a relationship going forward. Maybe that's what you and dd want?

OnaBegonia · 19/10/2024 03:11

This honestly reads as if she's 12, everything shocks and panics her.
Let it go and let it be a wake up call that your DD has been babied and you need to step back and let her find her feet.

Applemayjune · 19/10/2024 03:11

mamabluestar · 19/10/2024 03:05

Absolutely this.

I'm completely flabbergasted at some of these replies. Just because some people are more street wise, have put up with unwanted touching, are used to watching people take recreational drugs, have (adult!) children who don't give a fuck about the safety of who they spend time with it doesn't mean it's the acceptable!

Assuming that your son and his girlfriend are safe; I'd be having a conversation about tonight's events and the relationship with the girlfriend would be seriously tarnished.

Have you been out in the real world at all.?

Wherehasallthetimegone · 19/10/2024 03:13

I think this is another thread where some pp are being unnecessarily unpleasant.

Just because they were self assured and independent at OP's DD's age they are being really scornful and incredulous that she had a sheltered life and wasn't wordly wise enough to be comfortable with the situation. They should remember not all people are the same and have the same life experiences.

She went on the evening out on the understanding her brother and his gf would be " looking out" for her . Therefore it's understandable she felt panicked when she couldn't find him. I can quite see why she would find the nature of the club, the drug taking and the overfamiliarity of the men intimidating.

I think it was disappointing she couldn't find her brother and he didn't answer his phone and i understand why you feel he has let her down OP. But apart from telling him that I don't think you can take it further. If he cares about his sister I would hope he would realise he should have been more mindful about his sister's welfare.

I do think you should be concerned about his lifestyle considering he is socialising with a crowd of people where drug taking is apparently the norm.

Applemayjune · 19/10/2024 03:15

Wherehasallthetimegone · 19/10/2024 03:13

I think this is another thread where some pp are being unnecessarily unpleasant.

Just because they were self assured and independent at OP's DD's age they are being really scornful and incredulous that she had a sheltered life and wasn't wordly wise enough to be comfortable with the situation. They should remember not all people are the same and have the same life experiences.

She went on the evening out on the understanding her brother and his gf would be " looking out" for her . Therefore it's understandable she felt panicked when she couldn't find him. I can quite see why she would find the nature of the club, the drug taking and the overfamiliarity of the men intimidating.

I think it was disappointing she couldn't find her brother and he didn't answer his phone and i understand why you feel he has let her down OP. But apart from telling him that I don't think you can take it further. If he cares about his sister I would hope he would realise he should have been more mindful about his sister's welfare.

I do think you should be concerned about his lifestyle considering he is socialising with a crowd of people where drug taking is apparently the norm.

Edited

I have already said that I grew up in a tiny sheltered village aswell. And I was still able to look after myself at 18.

Lots of people grow up in villages.

Im sorry. I have no sympathy for her at her age

wandawaves · 19/10/2024 03:17

maxtheblackcat · 19/10/2024 02:59

And we are saying this is okay and not at all inappropriate?
I thought we’d moved past men thinking they have a right to a woman’s body.

"I thought we’d moved past men thinking they have a right to a woman’s body."

.... really? I mean, did you really? Sorry, but if you truly thought that, then you are extraordinarily naive, and sounds like maybe your daughter is too. I know it's awful and it shouldn't be that way, but it is.

limegreenheart · 19/10/2024 03:17

I wouldn't "expect" any specific person to look after me, at 19 or now. BUT if my older brother and his girlfriend invited me out in a place where they lived but which was unfamiliar to me, with people they know and I don't, and urged me to come along even though I was reluctant, specifically saying they would keep an eye on me - then yes, I think IN THAT INSTANCE it would be reasonable to assume that I'd be able to reach them if I needed to and that they would not leave the venue without telling me. Yes, your daughter should have had a back-up plan, but that doesn't absolve your son if he's just gone off and left her (I'm assuming it's an appreciable amount of time, as she was able to sort herself out and get home and he still hasn't surfaced).

I'd find out what happened to your son before you blame him, though - there might be some legitimate reason why they were separated and he couldn't reach her, and vice versa. In general, though, yeah - she should have been able to get home on her own if need be, and she did. I'd do a little postmortem when she's calmer so she's prepared for another time and get through it without panicking.

eightIsNewNine · 19/10/2024 03:20

I'd say start with her sending a message to both of them to let them know she is safely at the hotel. No need to get them panicking about her safety later.

I don't agree with majority here, I'd expect a host taking someone to different place/culture to act as a kind of guide. I plan to visit a different kind of club (casino style) and I am asking more experienced friend to come with me (paying his entry) and help me navigate.

That said, it sounds there was quite short time between getting shocked and being out, so it sounds more like getting lost than a neglect.

Wherehasallthetimegone · 19/10/2024 03:23

Applemayjune · 19/10/2024 03:15

I have already said that I grew up in a tiny sheltered village aswell. And I was still able to look after myself at 18.

Lots of people grow up in villages.

Im sorry. I have no sympathy for her at her age

Do you not understand that people are individuals?
Everyone reacts to situations in different ways.
It must be nice to be perfect and to be scornful of people who are less socially assured.

maxtheblackcat · 19/10/2024 03:26

So my son has called and said that they sent her to the bathroom with one of his girlfriends friends, he said that he expected her to stay with this friend until they all found each other again, knowing it wouldn’t be straight away. My daughter says she left before the girl as she started sniffing lines of coke and she wasn’t comfortable and no one told her she was meant to stay with her. Son claims he didn’t hear his phone and called us as soon as he seen the missed calls. I asked if he hadn’t noticed she was missing for 2 hours and he said he thought that she was still with the friend and they’d find her eventually. Then apparently someone else told him about an hour after that she’d gone home and he didn’t think he had to worry and assumed she’d told that person to tell him.

OP posts:
Applemayjune · 19/10/2024 03:28

eightIsNewNine · 19/10/2024 03:20

I'd say start with her sending a message to both of them to let them know she is safely at the hotel. No need to get them panicking about her safety later.

I don't agree with majority here, I'd expect a host taking someone to different place/culture to act as a kind of guide. I plan to visit a different kind of club (casino style) and I am asking more experienced friend to come with me (paying his entry) and help me navigate.

That said, it sounds there was quite short time between getting shocked and being out, so it sounds more like getting lost than a neglect.

It's good for you for the friend to help you navigate. But what does he/she get out of it?

Applemayjune · 19/10/2024 03:29

maxtheblackcat · 19/10/2024 03:26

So my son has called and said that they sent her to the bathroom with one of his girlfriends friends, he said that he expected her to stay with this friend until they all found each other again, knowing it wouldn’t be straight away. My daughter says she left before the girl as she started sniffing lines of coke and she wasn’t comfortable and no one told her she was meant to stay with her. Son claims he didn’t hear his phone and called us as soon as he seen the missed calls. I asked if he hadn’t noticed she was missing for 2 hours and he said he thought that she was still with the friend and they’d find her eventually. Then apparently someone else told him about an hour after that she’d gone home and he didn’t think he had to worry and assumed she’d told that person to tell him.

Well that sounds fairly normal for night out.

I used to go out with my cousins at that age. We often lost each other during the night for a while

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