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AIBU?

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Angry with son for abandoning daughter on night out

1000 replies

maxtheblackcat · 19/10/2024 02:15

I need some perspective before I say anything as I’m so angry right now I could be very unfair.
I have lived a very sheltered life, I know this and try to be mindful that it can make me naive. My son who is 25 lives in London, his girlfriend works in the fashion and entertainment industry and has some friends who are actors/musicians/models. Not your household names but none the less famous and have some influence. We are down visiting son in London, my daughter who’s 19 came with us. My daughter is on a gap year, she isn’t the most confident and doesn’t really do the whole drinking/club scene. Even if she did our nearest clubs are small so a very different feel.
Some of sons girlfriends friends were planning a night out, they had a reservation at a lovely expensive restaurant and then were on the guest list for a seemingly high end/exclusive club. My daughter ended up invited, she was hesitant but decided to go as she felt it was an opportunity she didn’t want to miss, and I get it if I was 19 if want to hang out with musicians and actors and models too! She was nervous but my son and his girlfriend promised they’d keep an eye on her.
We don’t hear anything most of the night until about half past midnight when my daughter calls me in tears, she says she stepped out as she felt really uncomfortable, that she’d gone to the bathroom and the girl who had got them on the guest list was sniffing coke, older guys were being provocative, she didn’t know where son or his girlfriend were. I told her to call him and get him to either put her in a cab back to the hotel or take her home, she was panicking and not used to London at all and nervous of being in a cab alone late at night.
Typically he didn’t answer, she tried the girlfriend too no answer, we tried them both. We then told her to go back in and find him but the security guard wouldn’t let her unless the girl who she was a guest off (so girlfriends friend) came out and verified who she was and let her in. I’m not sure if this is standard practice but obviously, my DD doesn’t know this girl at all and had no way of contacting this girl and the security guard wasn’t helpful at all. My daughter was panicking and a group of girls walking by noticed and helped her get a cab back to the hotel. Luckily she’s here with us now and while shaken up she’s okay. We have always taught our kids to never be around people doing drugs and had a “fly with the crows, shot with the crows” mantra. My daughter said this is the first time she’d ever actually seen anyone doing lines of cocaine and the men were being so sleazy.
We still haven’t heard from my son which makes me think he hasn’t even noticed that she isn’t there!!

AIBU to be absolutely disgusted with him and beyond angry? He knew that his sister was new to all of this and promised to look out for her! My husband thinks it’s unfair to ask him to babysit his adult sister and she just shouldn’t have gone if she wasn’t going to be able to handle it. He thinks it was naive of me to think models, actors and musicians wouldn’t be doing drugs.

OP posts:
YellowphantGrey · 19/10/2024 16:08

DodoTired · 19/10/2024 15:59

oh yeah, and that’s all when your brother actually promised to look after you! And then shirked his responsibility!

How would she know this ‘old trick’ if she’s never been to the nightclub? That’s the whole point, she’s not experienced in stuff like that, so she shouldn’t be expected to know that.

Again, why let your inexperienced child out with sharing safety tips with them?

TheRealSlimShandy · 19/10/2024 16:08

DodoTired · 19/10/2024 16:03

You are daft, not me. No I wouldn’t expect that from somebody who is in the nightclub for the first time. Navigating nightclub with ease comes with practice.

She’s never been in a nightclub, she trusted her brother would look after her and got flustered when he didn’t.

Don’t be ridiculous- this would be the same if we were talking about a pub. You know person A is in the beer garden having a cigarette, you know person B is in the toilet.

why choose to go running crying out the front
(though upon reflection my guess is that the answer to this is that she was drunk).

DodoTired · 19/10/2024 16:09

BustingBaoBun · 19/10/2024 16:07

This is a 19 year old woman. This is talking like she's 12 or something.
Surely she has SOME common sense?

Yes she was in that nightclub for the first time but not the first time in any night club. I believe the OP said she'd been out locally

Even if she hasn't, what about packed pubs with live music, gigs, festivals etc? Surely she's done something like this ..

Yes, she’s 19. That is young. As a reminder, drugs are illegal in the UK. And also you can’t drink or be in the nightclubs until you’re 18 years old. She’s not 30 not even 25.

diddl · 19/10/2024 16:10

I don't blame her for not wanting to go to the smoking area, but after she left the toilets did she look there for the GF at all I wonder?

DodoTired · 19/10/2024 16:11

diddl · 19/10/2024 16:10

I don't blame her for not wanting to go to the smoking area, but after she left the toilets did she look there for the GF at all I wonder?

She went to the same area where group was hanging out, to find her brother or his GF. Neither were there

YellowphantGrey · 19/10/2024 16:12

DodoTired · 19/10/2024 16:03

You are daft, not me. No I wouldn’t expect that from somebody who is in the nightclub for the first time. Navigating nightclub with ease comes with practice.

She’s never been in a nightclub, she trusted her brother would look after her and got flustered when he didn’t.

So you would let your child go out to a nightclub, which they've never done before, in a city they've never been in before and not teach them how to be safe but instead, expect their sibling to take over the parenting?

You're as shit at parenting as the OP if you think teaching your child how to be safe doesn't need to be done

DodoTired · 19/10/2024 16:12

TheRealSlimShandy · 19/10/2024 16:08

Don’t be ridiculous- this would be the same if we were talking about a pub. You know person A is in the beer garden having a cigarette, you know person B is in the toilet.

why choose to go running crying out the front
(though upon reflection my guess is that the answer to this is that she was drunk).

I don’t know if you’ve ever been in a swanky nightclub in London but no, it’s not the same

Comparing a big posh nightclub with a pub is very funny

YellowphantGrey · 19/10/2024 16:13

DodoTired · 19/10/2024 16:09

Yes, she’s 19. That is young. As a reminder, drugs are illegal in the UK. And also you can’t drink or be in the nightclubs until you’re 18 years old. She’s not 30 not even 25.

So at what age are you supposed to start teaching teens how to act safely when they go out, if 19 is too young?

YellowphantGrey · 19/10/2024 16:14

DodoTired · 19/10/2024 16:12

I don’t know if you’ve ever been in a swanky nightclub in London but no, it’s not the same

Comparing a big posh nightclub with a pub is very funny

Regardless of a pub or club, the daughter knew where at least two members of the group she was with were.

She didn't go to either of those places and didn't even where the rest of the group was

diddl · 19/10/2024 16:15

She went to the same area where group was hanging out, to find her brother or his GF. Neither were there

I thought she at least knew that the GF was going to the smoking area though so she obviously wouldn't be there?

TheRealSlimShandy · 19/10/2024 16:15

DodoTired · 19/10/2024 16:12

I don’t know if you’ve ever been in a swanky nightclub in London but no, it’s not the same

Comparing a big posh nightclub with a pub is very funny

Lol I’m from London and I spent a lot of my teenage years and twenties in clubs.

I’ve actually got a pretty good idea of exactly what club she was in and yes it is the same. You know where person A and B are - you go to them. Same as in a crowded pub.

DodoTired · 19/10/2024 16:20

YellowphantGrey · 19/10/2024 16:14

Regardless of a pub or club, the daughter knew where at least two members of the group she was with were.

She didn't go to either of those places and didn't even where the rest of the group was

She did go where the rest of the group was.

There are member nightclubs in London, which are two connected buildings and multiple floors it’s actually not that easy to find somebody if you don’t know the place

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/10/2024 16:20

TheRealSlimShandy · 19/10/2024 16:08

Don’t be ridiculous- this would be the same if we were talking about a pub. You know person A is in the beer garden having a cigarette, you know person B is in the toilet.

why choose to go running crying out the front
(though upon reflection my guess is that the answer to this is that she was drunk).

@maxtheblackcat

agree, it does sound like she was drunk given her reaction Op @maxtheblackcat

oh well, no harm done - we’ve all had a few too many!

nobodysdaughter · 19/10/2024 16:23

I'd look on the positive side. You've quite rightly pointed out not everyone enjoys that kind of environment. Your DD clearly doesn't, and that's ok, people taking drugs and sleazy men is an acquired taste indeed! At least she's seen beyond the glamour and decided it's not for her. She got home safe and that's the main thing.

Polkad · 19/10/2024 16:23

OP, in your situation I would be very disappointed in your son.
He invited his sister out into a very unfamiliar setting, promising to care for her.
One night.
And he blew it.
Selfish, unreliable and careless.
I would be disappointed and unimpressed.
Nothing you can do now about it.
I certainly wouldn't take his word on such a matter again.
I have two son's this age and I would expect more from them.
It was just one evening.

DodoTired · 19/10/2024 16:24

TheRealSlimShandy · 19/10/2024 16:15

Lol I’m from London and I spent a lot of my teenage years and twenties in clubs.

I’ve actually got a pretty good idea of exactly what club she was in and yes it is the same. You know where person A and B are - you go to them. Same as in a crowded pub.

Good for you. I also spent a lot of time in London nightclubs and I wouldn’t have a problem in this situation. But she was there for the first time and it doesn’t look like she’s going out partying in crowded pubs back home either so she can’t be expected to navigate this with ease.

And even more, she was reluctant to go in the first place (so she actually knew her limits!) until her brother persuaded her that he’ll look after her.

YellowphantGrey · 19/10/2024 16:24

diddl · 19/10/2024 16:15

She went to the same area where group was hanging out, to find her brother or his GF. Neither were there

I thought she at least knew that the GF was going to the smoking area though so she obviously wouldn't be there?

The group were altogether

Sister wanted the toilet. Brother said girlfriend was at smoking area and would take her when she came back. Sister refused and went toilet with the model friend . Brother went to the bar.

Sister used the toilet then saw the model friend doing drugs. She ran out of the toilet crying

She didn't go to the smoking area or back to the spot where they originally where and ran outside, still crying and phoned her parents on the phone hysterical because she didn't know how to get a taxi

Sister then had to ask some women how to get a taxi and they put her in one

Meanwhile the Brother and girlfriend had made it back to the original spot and assumed sister was still with the model friend.

The OP then stayed up the rest of the night till 4am where she continually tried the brothers phone till he answered at 4am and both he and girlfriend got scolded for not taking good enough care of the sister

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/10/2024 16:25

All those people saying big brother should have looked after her etc etc….how do you think women who have no brothers manage in night clubs?!?

DodoTired · 19/10/2024 16:26

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/10/2024 16:25

All those people saying big brother should have looked after her etc etc….how do you think women who have no brothers manage in night clubs?!?

How is that relevant?

Boomer55 · 19/10/2024 16:27

I have never taken drugs, but at 19, in London, long before mobile phones, I knew how to travel and get home without my brother’s help.

MumofHennHals · 19/10/2024 16:27

@EnfysHeulenEira regardless of age, my daughter will ALWAYS be my little girl to me.

YellowphantGrey · 19/10/2024 16:27

DodoTired · 19/10/2024 16:24

Good for you. I also spent a lot of time in London nightclubs and I wouldn’t have a problem in this situation. But she was there for the first time and it doesn’t look like she’s going out partying in crowded pubs back home either so she can’t be expected to navigate this with ease.

And even more, she was reluctant to go in the first place (so she actually knew her limits!) until her brother persuaded her that he’ll look after her.

OP said the daughter goes out drinking in pubs and walks home alone after so she's not as green as the OP implies.

Unless there are learning difficulties or additional needs, I'm surprised not many 19 year olds don't know to wait outside the toilet you've just left for someone who is in there rather than running off crying because you saw them doing drugs.

DodoTired · 19/10/2024 16:28

YellowphantGrey · 19/10/2024 16:24

The group were altogether

Sister wanted the toilet. Brother said girlfriend was at smoking area and would take her when she came back. Sister refused and went toilet with the model friend . Brother went to the bar.

Sister used the toilet then saw the model friend doing drugs. She ran out of the toilet crying

She didn't go to the smoking area or back to the spot where they originally where and ran outside, still crying and phoned her parents on the phone hysterical because she didn't know how to get a taxi

Sister then had to ask some women how to get a taxi and they put her in one

Meanwhile the Brother and girlfriend had made it back to the original spot and assumed sister was still with the model friend.

The OP then stayed up the rest of the night till 4am where she continually tried the brothers phone till he answered at 4am and both he and girlfriend got scolded for not taking good enough care of the sister

This is not true. Are you intentionally twisting the facts or you just can’t read properly?

quote from the OP:
”Sorry to clarify, she did look for him after coming back from the bathroom, he wasn’t where he had been”

TheRealSlimShandy · 19/10/2024 16:28

DodoTired · 19/10/2024 16:20

She did go where the rest of the group was.

There are member nightclubs in London, which are two connected buildings and multiple floors it’s actually not that easy to find somebody if you don’t know the place

You are absolutely reaching now.
one person was in the loo (that she had just come from)
the other was in the smoking area - generally quite an easy place to find.

Instead she left the club - presumably with her bag and as it was chilly last night - possibly got her coat out if checked in etc. She made what I’d say was a pretty deliberate choice

The other very odd thing is that she rang the OP - but rather than explaining how to get a taxi, the OP repeatedly called the brother and so a random group of women had to help her get home. The OP failed both the equip her for a pretty usual event, and then also failed to help her once she was out in the street crying, but then stayed up until what 4am
to call him and berate him.

YellowphantGrey · 19/10/2024 16:29

MumofHennHals · 19/10/2024 16:27

@EnfysHeulenEira regardless of age, my daughter will ALWAYS be my little girl to me.

Let's hope you've prepared her better for the real world than the OP has.

It's not healthy to parent your child to the point they don't know how to use a taxi or how to stay safe on a night out

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