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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Angry with son for abandoning daughter on night out

1000 replies

maxtheblackcat · 19/10/2024 02:15

I need some perspective before I say anything as I’m so angry right now I could be very unfair.
I have lived a very sheltered life, I know this and try to be mindful that it can make me naive. My son who is 25 lives in London, his girlfriend works in the fashion and entertainment industry and has some friends who are actors/musicians/models. Not your household names but none the less famous and have some influence. We are down visiting son in London, my daughter who’s 19 came with us. My daughter is on a gap year, she isn’t the most confident and doesn’t really do the whole drinking/club scene. Even if she did our nearest clubs are small so a very different feel.
Some of sons girlfriends friends were planning a night out, they had a reservation at a lovely expensive restaurant and then were on the guest list for a seemingly high end/exclusive club. My daughter ended up invited, she was hesitant but decided to go as she felt it was an opportunity she didn’t want to miss, and I get it if I was 19 if want to hang out with musicians and actors and models too! She was nervous but my son and his girlfriend promised they’d keep an eye on her.
We don’t hear anything most of the night until about half past midnight when my daughter calls me in tears, she says she stepped out as she felt really uncomfortable, that she’d gone to the bathroom and the girl who had got them on the guest list was sniffing coke, older guys were being provocative, she didn’t know where son or his girlfriend were. I told her to call him and get him to either put her in a cab back to the hotel or take her home, she was panicking and not used to London at all and nervous of being in a cab alone late at night.
Typically he didn’t answer, she tried the girlfriend too no answer, we tried them both. We then told her to go back in and find him but the security guard wouldn’t let her unless the girl who she was a guest off (so girlfriends friend) came out and verified who she was and let her in. I’m not sure if this is standard practice but obviously, my DD doesn’t know this girl at all and had no way of contacting this girl and the security guard wasn’t helpful at all. My daughter was panicking and a group of girls walking by noticed and helped her get a cab back to the hotel. Luckily she’s here with us now and while shaken up she’s okay. We have always taught our kids to never be around people doing drugs and had a “fly with the crows, shot with the crows” mantra. My daughter said this is the first time she’d ever actually seen anyone doing lines of cocaine and the men were being so sleazy.
We still haven’t heard from my son which makes me think he hasn’t even noticed that she isn’t there!!

AIBU to be absolutely disgusted with him and beyond angry? He knew that his sister was new to all of this and promised to look out for her! My husband thinks it’s unfair to ask him to babysit his adult sister and she just shouldn’t have gone if she wasn’t going to be able to handle it. He thinks it was naive of me to think models, actors and musicians wouldn’t be doing drugs.

OP posts:
Bigredcombine · 19/10/2024 19:12

I absolutely LOVE the fact she's going out again tonight for round 2! Please tell us how it goes.
I honestly think it's great she had a wobble but giving it another go. They clearly must have a good relationship. They'll be talking about this weekend for years to come.

TheRealSlimShandy · 19/10/2024 19:13

Your son sounds absolutely lovely.

DoreenonTill8 · 19/10/2024 19:15

TheRealSlimShandy · 19/10/2024 19:13

Your son sounds absolutely lovely.

Doesn't he! Despite all the grief, drama and blame, he's still happy for her to come out with him and his gf and friends again!

maxtheblackcat · 19/10/2024 19:16

Bigredcombine · 19/10/2024 19:12

I absolutely LOVE the fact she's going out again tonight for round 2! Please tell us how it goes.
I honestly think it's great she had a wobble but giving it another go. They clearly must have a good relationship. They'll be talking about this weekend for years to come.

She had a FaceTime call with the model friend and the girlfriend and after that she decided she’s better going again now, proving to herself she can do it and not waiting for months, simmering on the bad memory and building anxiety about doing it again.
I’d rather she wasn’t hanging out with a coke using model but … she’s an adult and I need to trust her to make her own choices. My son has turned out pretty good if you ask me despite being in this social circle!

OP posts:
Bumblebeestiltskin · 19/10/2024 19:17

If I were her, I'd probably be too embarrassed to go out with them again after making a tit of herself 🫣

Mirabai · 19/10/2024 19:17

Mumtobabyhavoc · 19/10/2024 17:57

She doesn't have the experience to know all these rules and protocols.

She’s19! A bit of common sense may have told her! Has she never been to a party or a show? You can’t just waltz back in without a ticket.

flyingefffs · 19/10/2024 19:17

maxtheblackcat · 19/10/2024 19:16

She had a FaceTime call with the model friend and the girlfriend and after that she decided she’s better going again now, proving to herself she can do it and not waiting for months, simmering on the bad memory and building anxiety about doing it again.
I’d rather she wasn’t hanging out with a coke using model but … she’s an adult and I need to trust her to make her own choices. My son has turned out pretty good if you ask me despite being in this social circle!

Good for her OP!! And your son seems to be a good one.

DoreenonTill8 · 19/10/2024 19:20

flyingefffs · 19/10/2024 19:17

Good for her OP!! And your son seems to be a good one.

As do the gf and model friend, and look at all the names they got called on here!

BabyCloud · 19/10/2024 19:21

I’d be annoyed but your DD does sound like she needs to learn what to do in situations like this.

maxtheblackcat · 19/10/2024 19:24

Bumblebeestiltskin · 19/10/2024 19:17

If I were her, I'd probably be too embarrassed to go out with them again after making a tit of herself 🫣

She’s definitely embarrassed but they shared stories of their own “tragic nights out” which made her feel a lot better. I’m glad she’s going out again. We’ve spoke about just moving a guys hands away if she doesn’t like it etc. and perhaps most importantly the art of flagging down a black cab!

OP posts:
AGoingConcern · 19/10/2024 19:33

@maxtheblackcat it sounds like everyone has handled this well after the initial emotional charge had passed. I’m glad they’ve invited your DD out again, there’s a plan in place and she’s getting back on the metaphorical horse.

I have a stepsister who is about 7 years younger than me, and between our very different personalities, positions in the family, and life experiences, her level of independence & confidence was very different to mine at 19. I remember being pretty taken aback after inviting her to come visit me (US to UK travel) at how much handholding & guidance she needed with things that seemed so obvious to me. There was nothing “wrong” with her (or me), we just each had a different normal we were operating from. We made it work, it ended up being a great trip… and 10 years down the road she’s a confident, enthusiastic world traveler whose destination list I cant keep up with.

I hope the rest of your London visit is fun for all.

BustingBaoBun · 19/10/2024 19:44

I am glad to hear your DD has decided to go out with them again because I was worried that she would be put off with clubs for life!
They've learnt their lessons, and I think your son is sound in doing this all again.

MulderitsmeX · 19/10/2024 19:55

Your son sounds lovely. Glad your DD Is giving it another go - life experience and all that.

Hairyfairy01 · 19/10/2024 19:56

This is fantastic OP! I hope your dd has a great night.

RampantIvy · 19/10/2024 19:59

Great update @maxtheblackcat

flyingefffs · 19/10/2024 20:09

DoreenonTill8 · 19/10/2024 19:20

As do the gf and model friend, and look at all the names they got called on here!

Definitely the gf too!

Applemayjune · 19/10/2024 20:12

This thread is putting me off nightclubs. I think I'm going to have a cosy night in.

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 19/10/2024 20:55

Great update! Hopefully after round 2 she'll feel like an old hand at the whole London scene. She had a brutal initiation but she's learnt some valuable lessons and no harm done.

Applemayjune · 19/10/2024 20:58

It's a pity so many young people are taking cocaine these days.

I only very occasionally saw it when I was younger, and it was usually at festivals , not nightclubs

biscuitandcake · 19/10/2024 21:04

Applemayjune · 19/10/2024 02:20

I don't know.

When I was 18 on nights out I was looking after myself.

It's not his job to look after her.

How does she not know how to get a taxi

Really? I don't have a brother but when I was out with friends at that age we would look out for each other. I went to a fairly small university town for uni that would seem much safer than London but there were several drink spiking (and worse) incidents when I was there. I would say I was a confident and capable teenager, but it's still shitty to abandon your friends on a night out, so it's also shitty to abandon a sister. Especially when they are younger you and invited out by you with people they don't know in a place they don't know.

Applemayjune · 19/10/2024 21:11

biscuitandcake · 19/10/2024 21:04

Really? I don't have a brother but when I was out with friends at that age we would look out for each other. I went to a fairly small university town for uni that would seem much safer than London but there were several drink spiking (and worse) incidents when I was there. I would say I was a confident and capable teenager, but it's still shitty to abandon your friends on a night out, so it's also shitty to abandon a sister. Especially when they are younger you and invited out by you with people they don't know in a place they don't know.

As I said before it's different with female friends looking out for each other. We all do that from a young age.

Older brothers are not going to do that

eightIsNewNine · 19/10/2024 21:47

Congratulations to the great outcome!

Chachanging · 19/10/2024 22:57

I am cringeing so much at the kool kidz on here who were clubbing at 14 and innately were happy to be groped and call cabs in central London, even if they grew up in a rural hamlet.

Everyone matures differently. Some 19y olds are quite ‘young’. And tbh excessively ‘mature’ young adults have sometimes witnessed trauma and have ‘grown up’ too quickly. Being cool around cocaine and sleazy men aged 19 isn’t the boast some people seem to think it is.

My kids at 19 would have been fine in this scenario as they grew up in London. But I can understand some children wouldn’t. I can think of some of kids in their years who were quite young in manner. They just were. And they probably needed a few more years to grow up.

Resilience comes from experience mixed with innate personality traits. This girl will now be a little more resilient. No need for the nasty comments saying she is pathetic etc.

Applemayjune · 19/10/2024 23:00

Chachanging · 19/10/2024 22:57

I am cringeing so much at the kool kidz on here who were clubbing at 14 and innately were happy to be groped and call cabs in central London, even if they grew up in a rural hamlet.

Everyone matures differently. Some 19y olds are quite ‘young’. And tbh excessively ‘mature’ young adults have sometimes witnessed trauma and have ‘grown up’ too quickly. Being cool around cocaine and sleazy men aged 19 isn’t the boast some people seem to think it is.

My kids at 19 would have been fine in this scenario as they grew up in London. But I can understand some children wouldn’t. I can think of some of kids in their years who were quite young in manner. They just were. And they probably needed a few more years to grow up.

Resilience comes from experience mixed with innate personality traits. This girl will now be a little more resilient. No need for the nasty comments saying she is pathetic etc.

Don't twist words and lie.

No poster has said they were happy to be groped.

We said it's unavoidable,

when you are walking through a small space, that is packed with hundreds of people, of course people are going to brush off you and touch you the odd time to get by.

Righteouspuppy · 19/10/2024 23:01

I hope this is a lesson for other parents - don’t be like op and leave the advice on being sensible and safe to a sibling, do it yourself, as parents should

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