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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Angry with son for abandoning daughter on night out

1000 replies

maxtheblackcat · 19/10/2024 02:15

I need some perspective before I say anything as I’m so angry right now I could be very unfair.
I have lived a very sheltered life, I know this and try to be mindful that it can make me naive. My son who is 25 lives in London, his girlfriend works in the fashion and entertainment industry and has some friends who are actors/musicians/models. Not your household names but none the less famous and have some influence. We are down visiting son in London, my daughter who’s 19 came with us. My daughter is on a gap year, she isn’t the most confident and doesn’t really do the whole drinking/club scene. Even if she did our nearest clubs are small so a very different feel.
Some of sons girlfriends friends were planning a night out, they had a reservation at a lovely expensive restaurant and then were on the guest list for a seemingly high end/exclusive club. My daughter ended up invited, she was hesitant but decided to go as she felt it was an opportunity she didn’t want to miss, and I get it if I was 19 if want to hang out with musicians and actors and models too! She was nervous but my son and his girlfriend promised they’d keep an eye on her.
We don’t hear anything most of the night until about half past midnight when my daughter calls me in tears, she says she stepped out as she felt really uncomfortable, that she’d gone to the bathroom and the girl who had got them on the guest list was sniffing coke, older guys were being provocative, she didn’t know where son or his girlfriend were. I told her to call him and get him to either put her in a cab back to the hotel or take her home, she was panicking and not used to London at all and nervous of being in a cab alone late at night.
Typically he didn’t answer, she tried the girlfriend too no answer, we tried them both. We then told her to go back in and find him but the security guard wouldn’t let her unless the girl who she was a guest off (so girlfriends friend) came out and verified who she was and let her in. I’m not sure if this is standard practice but obviously, my DD doesn’t know this girl at all and had no way of contacting this girl and the security guard wasn’t helpful at all. My daughter was panicking and a group of girls walking by noticed and helped her get a cab back to the hotel. Luckily she’s here with us now and while shaken up she’s okay. We have always taught our kids to never be around people doing drugs and had a “fly with the crows, shot with the crows” mantra. My daughter said this is the first time she’d ever actually seen anyone doing lines of cocaine and the men were being so sleazy.
We still haven’t heard from my son which makes me think he hasn’t even noticed that she isn’t there!!

AIBU to be absolutely disgusted with him and beyond angry? He knew that his sister was new to all of this and promised to look out for her! My husband thinks it’s unfair to ask him to babysit his adult sister and she just shouldn’t have gone if she wasn’t going to be able to handle it. He thinks it was naive of me to think models, actors and musicians wouldn’t be doing drugs.

OP posts:
independencefreedom · 19/10/2024 16:31

exprecis · 19/10/2024 14:29

But TBH the level of supervision the OP and some others seem to have expected here is babysitting.

It goes way beyond looking out for another adult.

It seems to include never letting her out of sight, not even letting her go to the toilet alone when she said she didn't want to go with one of them.

And being answerable to her mum not her.

Edited

No, it's just having clear expectations - it sounds like the OP and her husband should have prepared their daughter better as she seems very inexperienced, and have reminded their son that she was inexperienced, that's all.

Basically, it was too disorganised and the daughter couldn't handle the challenges of the evening.

Doesn't matter how many posters were able to travel the world/live alone/go to big nightclubs at 19, clearly in this case the daughter wasn't able for it and the parents should have prepared her better and checked that her brother was up for keeping an eye on her. I don't blame him if all that wasn't explained - a 25 year old man might not really understand what these situations might be like for a 19 year old young woman.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 19/10/2024 16:33

YellowphantGrey · 19/10/2024 16:12

So you would let your child go out to a nightclub, which they've never done before, in a city they've never been in before and not teach them how to be safe but instead, expect their sibling to take over the parenting?

You're as shit at parenting as the OP if you think teaching your child how to be safe doesn't need to be done

Why the vitriol? C'mon. 🤦‍♀️

YellowphantGrey · 19/10/2024 16:39

Mumtobabyhavoc · 19/10/2024 16:33

Why the vitriol? C'mon. 🤦‍♀️

Because any parent who is able but fails to prepare their child on how to be safe is a shit parent.

LogicVoid · 19/10/2024 16:50

I'd be deeply disappointed in any adult child not looking out for a much younger, non-streetwise sibling, regardless of their sex. And even more so when taking them into an environment they hadn't experienced before. That's a hell of a steep learning curve and in at the deep end without guidance or support. Your son needed to be more aware - there's a degree of responsibility on him in this context.

YellowphantGrey · 19/10/2024 16:54

LogicVoid · 19/10/2024 16:50

I'd be deeply disappointed in any adult child not looking out for a much younger, non-streetwise sibling, regardless of their sex. And even more so when taking them into an environment they hadn't experienced before. That's a hell of a steep learning curve and in at the deep end without guidance or support. Your son needed to be more aware - there's a degree of responsibility on him in this context.

How do you look after someone who doesn't go back to meeting places, refuses to go where she knows people from the group are and runs out of the nightclub in tears?!

StMarieforme · 19/10/2024 17:05

@maxtheblackcat do you really think that in a social situation, where people are enjoying a clubbing atmosphere, a man is going to say "excuse me; would you mind awfully if I touched your waist?"?

She really should not have gone. She was not ready.

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/10/2024 17:09

DodoTired · 19/10/2024 16:26

How is that relevant?

@DodoTired

well, presumably those of us without brothers manage our first night club experiences just fine. Meaning that nobody needs a big brother to babysit them on a night out - it’s not an essential.

YellowphantGrey · 19/10/2024 17:17

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/10/2024 17:09

@DodoTired

well, presumably those of us without brothers manage our first night club experiences just fine. Meaning that nobody needs a big brother to babysit them on a night out - it’s not an essential.

You didn't have a male to escort you to a nightclub?

You will be telling me your ankles were on show next....

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/10/2024 17:20

YellowphantGrey · 19/10/2024 17:17

You didn't have a male to escort you to a nightclub?

You will be telling me your ankles were on show next....

@YellowphantGrey

🤣🤣🤣

DodoTired · 19/10/2024 17:21

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/10/2024 17:09

@DodoTired

well, presumably those of us without brothers manage our first night club experiences just fine. Meaning that nobody needs a big brother to babysit them on a night out - it’s not an essential.

if it wasn’t essential for you , it doesn’t mean it’s not essential for someone else. Or even nice to have. Just because you didn’t have anybody to look after you, doesn’t mean that everybody should live this way.

people survive through all sorts of situations, doesn’t mean that there is no better standard of life or relationships or looking after each other

DodoTired · 19/10/2024 17:22

StMarieforme · 19/10/2024 17:05

@maxtheblackcat do you really think that in a social situation, where people are enjoying a clubbing atmosphere, a man is going to say "excuse me; would you mind awfully if I touched your waist?"?

She really should not have gone. She was not ready.

Guess what. It isn’t actually necessary to touch someone’s waist. At the very least you could have considered body language.
The length people here are going to justify groping is ridiculous

YellowphantGrey · 19/10/2024 17:25

DodoTired · 19/10/2024 17:21

if it wasn’t essential for you , it doesn’t mean it’s not essential for someone else. Or even nice to have. Just because you didn’t have anybody to look after you, doesn’t mean that everybody should live this way.

people survive through all sorts of situations, doesn’t mean that there is no better standard of life or relationships or looking after each other

But your implying the responsibility for the sister being safe wasn't for the parents or the sister to do but the brothers responsibility and the person who you've quoted and misunderstood, was pointing out that people without siblings are capable of managing things for themselves

When do you think this 19 year old will be capable of being taught how to stay safe or do you expect the brother to take care of her till a husband comes along?!

zileri · 19/10/2024 17:26

He shouldn't have left her alone in the club, no. But maybe she wandered off and he couldn't find her.

Having said this, does she not have the Uber app on her phone?
It's London OP, not Outer Mongolia!

YellowphantGrey · 19/10/2024 17:27

DodoTired · 19/10/2024 17:22

Guess what. It isn’t actually necessary to touch someone’s waist. At the very least you could have considered body language.
The length people here are going to justify groping is ridiculous

I think this is the only post of yours I agree with. Men are capable of brushing past other men without hands round their waist, why can't they manage it when going past a woman?

YellowphantGrey · 19/10/2024 17:28

zileri · 19/10/2024 17:26

He shouldn't have left her alone in the club, no. But maybe she wandered off and he couldn't find her.

Having said this, does she not have the Uber app on her phone?
It's London OP, not Outer Mongolia!

She didn't wander off, she ran out of the club crying and refused to go to where she knew other members of the group to be

DoreenonTill8 · 19/10/2024 17:29

YellowphantGrey · 19/10/2024 17:17

You didn't have a male to escort you to a nightclub?

You will be telling me your ankles were on show next....

Shocked 30 Rock GIF

WHERE IS THE TRIGGER WARNING?! writing 'ankles' so carefree?!! MEN could be reading and seeing those words!!

zileri · 19/10/2024 17:32

Yes but she is 19 - surely she has the Uber app?
Why would you panic in a street, when presumably there were doormen / bouncers there.
My daughter is 19 and has been in the other side of the world for the last 6 months.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 19/10/2024 17:33

OnaBegonia · 19/10/2024 03:59

@Mumtobabyhavoc
any guy in our group always was someone we could rely on for help and to make sure sleazy guys kept away.
why is his night out about looking after other adults?
Did you ladies never go out without a big man to look after you?
I wonder sometimes how a lot of ppl on MN actually navigate life.

Are you ok? You sound ... bitter? 🤔

gooodnews · 19/10/2024 17:35

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 19/10/2024 17:37

YellowphantGrey · 19/10/2024 17:25

But your implying the responsibility for the sister being safe wasn't for the parents or the sister to do but the brothers responsibility and the person who you've quoted and misunderstood, was pointing out that people without siblings are capable of managing things for themselves

When do you think this 19 year old will be capable of being taught how to stay safe or do you expect the brother to take care of her till a husband comes along?!

Although valid questions, it's not the point.
The issue is one person failing to follow though on a commitment. The fact that it's family stings more.

YellowphantGrey · 19/10/2024 17:39

DodoTired · 19/10/2024 16:20

She did go where the rest of the group was.

There are member nightclubs in London, which are two connected buildings and multiple floors it’s actually not that easy to find somebody if you don’t know the place

She didn't go back to the toilet where drug taking friend was where she ran out crying.

She didn't go back to the spot where they all were or even wait there. The brother and girlfriend managed to meet back there.

She didn't go to the smoking area where she knew the girlfriend was.

What was stopping her asking behind the bar where the smoking area is?

YellowphantGrey · 19/10/2024 17:43

Mumtobabyhavoc · 19/10/2024 17:37

Although valid questions, it's not the point.
The issue is one person failing to follow though on a commitment. The fact that it's family stings more.

She made it impossible to be looked after by refusing to go to the smoking area, running out of the toilet crying because she saw the model friend doing drugs and not staying at the original point where they all were and wait for them to come back, which the brother and his girlfriend managed to do.

She instead ran out the toilet crying, ran round the club crying and then ran outside and got hysterical.

The poster who likened it to a toddler at soft play was spot on.

Why is the focus continually on the brother, not the fact that this 19 year old hasn't been taught basic skills on how to stay safe and how taxis work?

DoreenonTill8 · 19/10/2024 17:45

YellowphantGrey · 19/10/2024 17:39

She didn't go back to the toilet where drug taking friend was where she ran out crying.

She didn't go back to the spot where they all were or even wait there. The brother and girlfriend managed to meet back there.

She didn't go to the smoking area where she knew the girlfriend was.

What was stopping her asking behind the bar where the smoking area is?

That's apparently on the brother too... pp has said he should have shown her how to get to the bar!

YellowphantGrey · 19/10/2024 17:46

LogicVoid · 19/10/2024 16:50

I'd be deeply disappointed in any adult child not looking out for a much younger, non-streetwise sibling, regardless of their sex. And even more so when taking them into an environment they hadn't experienced before. That's a hell of a steep learning curve and in at the deep end without guidance or support. Your son needed to be more aware - there's a degree of responsibility on him in this context.

At what point during the night should the 19 year-old have taken responsibility for herself though?

She couldn't cope, had never been taught to cope but it's all the doing of the brother?

Do people really let their children go out without being taught basic skills and safety rules and instead put the responsibility on the eldest sibling?

Mookytoo · 19/10/2024 17:48

She abandoned him.

She exited club without thinking of re-entry - should have talked to security before exiting to be let back in. What was she thinking!!!?

She put her brother in position of worry. She left him.

She is the one who left, abandoned him. Should have just gone and danced rather than getting upset about other people using drugs. Duh.

Sister Snowflake not getting asked to clubs again.

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