Angry with son for abandoning daughter on night out

[maxtheblackcat]

I need some perspective before I say anything as I’m so angry right now I could be very unfair.
I have lived a very sheltered life, I know this and try to be mindful that it can make me naive. My son who is 25 lives in London, his girlfriend works in the fashion and entertainment industry and has some friends who are actors/musicians/models. Not your household names but none the less famous and have some influence. We are down visiting son in London, my daughter who’s 19 came with us. My daughter is on a gap year, she isn’t the most confident and doesn’t really do the whole drinking/club scene. Even if she did our nearest clubs are small so a very different feel.
Some of sons girlfriends friends were planning a night out, they had a reservation at a lovely expensive restaurant and then were on the guest list for a seemingly high end/exclusive club. My daughter ended up invited, she was hesitant but decided to go as she felt it was an opportunity she didn’t want to miss, and I get it if I was 19 if want to hang out with musicians and actors and models too! She was nervous but my son and his girlfriend promised they’d keep an eye on her.
We don’t hear anything most of the night until about half past midnight when my daughter calls me in tears, she says she stepped out as she felt really uncomfortable, that she’d gone to the bathroom and the girl who had got them on the guest list was sniffing coke, older guys were being provocative, she didn’t know where son or his girlfriend were. I told her to call him and get him to either put her in a cab back to the hotel or take her home, she was panicking and not used to London at all and nervous of being in a cab alone late at night.
Typically he didn’t answer, she tried the girlfriend too no answer, we tried them both. We then told her to go back in and find him but the security guard wouldn’t let her unless the girl who she was a guest off (so girlfriends friend) came out and verified who she was and let her in. I’m not sure if this is standard practice but obviously, my DD doesn’t know this girl at all and had no way of contacting this girl and the security guard wasn’t helpful at all. My daughter was panicking and a group of girls walking by noticed and helped her get a cab back to the hotel. Luckily she’s here with us now and while shaken up she’s okay. We have always taught our kids to never be around people doing drugs and had a “fly with the crows, shot with the crows” mantra. My daughter said this is the first time she’d ever actually seen anyone doing lines of cocaine and the men were being so sleazy.
We still haven’t heard from my son which makes me think he hasn’t even noticed that she isn’t there!!

AIBU to be absolutely disgusted with him and beyond angry? He knew that his sister was new to all of this and promised to look out for her! My husband thinks it’s unfair to ask him to babysit his adult sister and she just shouldn’t have gone if she wasn’t going to be able to handle it. He thinks it was naive of me to think models, actors and musicians wouldn’t be doing drugs.

Ffs, this thread.

The children growing up now stand no chance if they don't how to get a taxi or find a bar in a nightclub or spend their time running round in tears because they are alone

😂😂

So, if a parent did all that and something still happened is the patent still a "shit parent?"

Sincerely, you sound bitter. I'm sure you have your reasons, though. 💐

She doesn't have the experience to know all these rules and protocols.

Good questions. The fact remains that the brother was asked to keep an eye on his inexperienced sister and he didn't. That's all.

I have to say.... I sometimes read threads on here where the OP just cannot seem to cope with pretty basic stuff (nothing to do with disabilities or special needs) and I wonder whether when they were teens or young adults they just weren't prepared for life by their parents.
It's all making sense now!

This.
She a grown person.
She should be able to get in a taxi by herself.
If she can’t she shouldn’t be out in strange cites by herself. She shouldn’t have gone,
It would have been nice if he’d watched over her, and perhaps I’d hope he’d might, but you can’t really rely on it.
And your DH is right that it’s naive to have been so shocked that young adults who live in london and work in the arts and entertainment industry might be around drugs.

This. She chose to go. Her brother is not going to babysit her if he did hover over her she might have found it really patronising..she left. She's 19 this is on her so I would stay out of the argument, this is between them. If she wanted to leave she just had to up to brother/girlfriend ask them to call her an uber and get it in and go home. Your expectations for her older brother are not realistic. Let them sort it out and don't feed the drama.

Because her parents didn't tell her how tk behave safely on a night out and rather than doing that, expected her brother to step up as default helicopter parent.

So you think the OP is in the right for being angry and furious at the brother and his girlfriend, not only that, constantly calling them until they answered then shouting at them down the phone?

Why gloss over the fact they've never shown their daughter how taxis work? And why gloss over the fact that they've never told her basic safety rules?

Why are the parenting fails being ignored? Why is the 19 year-old running round a club in tears, like a badly scripted Benny Hill film being ignored?

Why is the brother in so much trouble for his sisters actions?

Thank you for the comments everyone. I haven’t managed to read them all but have read some.
My son came to see us today and was apologetic and then kindly explained to my daughter that there were things she could have done differently.
His suggestions were

1. Just wait outside the bathroom, fair enough if she didn’t feel comfortable being around the friend using drugs but it would have made more sense to stay with her.
2. Failing that they had all been at a table, she should have gone back there and waited for them, he said he was back within 5/10 minutes of leaving and his girlfriend was already back there when he got there so she wouldn’t have been alone long
3. If for some reason she still decided to leave, she should have made a point to security before she left she was just getting some air, then stood close to them to call me so if she wanted to come back in they’d be aware she’d just come out. However it’s a guest list venue and she wasn’t on the guest list by name and the friend who got them in told them in advance not to leave as this could happen.

I think my son’s response is valid and agree that my daughter didn’t think rationally at all. He also pointed out that my daughter had been talking to the model friend all night and the friend had spoke about introducing daughter to some people so when she didn’t come back he assumed that they had gone to do that. He admitted he could have checked his phone sooner and didn’t realise that his sister needed quite so much hand holding.

My daughter is fine today, it’s a lesson learnt and she says she had a good time anyway.

This whole thread just goes to show that people lead different lives and sometimes, despite being siblings, we don't understand what is 'normal' for someone else. The DS didn't realise just how unworldly his sister is or that she would panic in a situation he and his friends would have coped with. DD didn't listen carefully enough or realise that her brother's everyday experiences are very different to hers. Thankfully everyone is safe and will be better prepared in future.

She was invited out and son said he's keep an eye on her. He didn't. That's what the issue is.
Of note is that he couldn't be reached. I don't know anyone who can't be reached/doesn't check their phone. Didn't hear it ring? People text. i suspect he didn't want to be reached ... until 4am, apparently. Kind of odd. Is he also doing coke?

@maxtheblackcat have you apologised to your son for shouting and blaming him?

I apologised for overreacting to the situation. I also admitted that I was so worried about his sister that I hadn’t considered she possibly made bad choices to get into that position.

Why would they be a shit parent, knowing that they had equipped their child in the very best way possible?

If someone is attacked or raped or killed, they are never to blame, how silly of you to think they should be.

However in this case, the parents never taught basic safety to their child and she ran out of a nightclub in tears and hysterical (OPs words not mine) and put herself at more risk because she was unable to cope.

Would you feel guilty if your daughter was attacked or killed or raped or beaten up because you had never bothered teaching them basic safety rules or how to use public transport or the best way to minimise risk? I would. I certainly wouldn't blame the brother for it, especially as teaching things like this comes down to the parents.

Why is it bitter to point out a parenting fail? Or have you resulted to slinging insults because you've run out of ways to blame the brother?

Well, your DS actually sounds quite sensible!

Have you made your daughter present the facts on what she should have done better?

And have you also thought about how you should have prepared her better for social situations and how to stay safe?

they had all been at a table, she should have gone back there and waited for them,

That puts a different spin on it!

she says she had a good time anyway. 😂

All's well that ends well!

I wasn't aware I was limited, thank you for letting me know over exceeded my limit 😁

I have and she’s actually decided to go out with them again tonight, seems like tonight is to be slightly tamer and a slightly differing crowd.
My son has said when they get to the club they will pick a meeting point and if she doesn’t wait there for him it’s on her - I think that’s fair!

Just this morning she said she never wanted to go to a nightclub again!

Well I'm glad you've realised that the whole night wasn't the fault of your son and that it was unfair to blame him.