To buy an Alexa when partner didn’t want one?

[Allinadayswork80]

This is a bit petty but there’s more behind it. Just had a huge row with DP basically because I bought an Alexa without consulting him. I’ve wanted an Alexa for ages, lots of friends have them, we have one at work, they seem pretty standard in many homes in my experience. I like listening to music when doing cooking/housework and also like the timer function plus the other benefits like shopping list, weather updates, etc. Mentioned this over a year ago to DP and he completely vetoed it because it “listens to our conversations and isn’t safe”. End of conversation.
Bit of backstory, we’ve been together for nearly 6yrs, our relationship moved quite fast and we moved in together quickly and had a DD (my 2nd). He came with a lot of stuff, like a LOT of stuff! He’s a builder and dabbles in mechanics so has tons of tools - fair enough and this comes in handy for fixing our vehicles, DIY at home etc. However he was also into BMX’ing so has 2x bikes plus another mountain bike. He likes snowboarding so has all the gear for that. He used to do dj’ing (house type music, events) so has a big ugly unit with his decks, records, equipment. He likes motorbikes and has kind of ‘inherited’ 2x large Harley/chopper bikes. Plus all the gear. So basically our home is filled with a lot of his stuff. The lounge, shed, garage - all dominated by his stuff. Not to mention the kids stuff, toys etc. Over time I feel much of ‘me’ has fallen by the wayside to accommodate him, physically and also lifestyle wise. Admittedly resentment has crept in with this and more recently I’ve been trying to inject some of ‘me’ back into my/our life, having made so many compromises for him and the kids I feel I’ve become a little lost on the way.
So on a whim, with the recent Amazon deals event, I bought myself an Alexa. I plugged it in and set it up today and love it. He has come home from work (albeit to a clean and tidy house, dog walked, children cared for and a lovely home cooked meal - my one ‘day off’ a week) and is pissed off.
Cut an already long story short, we had a huge row, all the resentment came pouring out as he made such a song and dance about something I see as so trivial. He doesn’t like it, thinks they’re dangerous, we’ll be hacked, the children aren’t safe blah blah blah. I should have considered his feelings and consulted him. I knew he would have just shut me down same as before.
Now I’m in bed seething and can’t sleep.
Have I been that unreasonable?

I can understand his point if he's previously stated his strong views on it and you've got one anyway but he still sounds like a bit of a dick.

Either way it's both your home, you need to sit and have a conversation and compromise. Maybe ask him why he's so convinced they're dangerous, ask him to check all your internet and device settings to reduce any risks he may be worried about.

Does he feel the same about the Google home versions? It's pretty much exactly the same except instead of saying "Alexa", you say "Hey Google" although I believe you can personalis the trigger word. Also the functionality is actually better, a lot more compatibility. That could be an alternative.

He's right. They're incredibly intrusive. If you were living alone it would be fine, but you're not. He's entitled to be pissed off. I wouldn't be happy in his position.

I’d be really upset if I were in his shoes!

all the other stuff you wrote is a different thread in my opinion and valid to get advice about!

but on this one topic it’s unfair if one partner has a strong opinion and the other one completely ignores it and does it anyway, they are basically saying fuck you to the other partner. It shows no respect for the others opinions or wants.

like I said though my advice would be to start a separate thread to get good advice and discussion on everything else you wrote because everything will be coloured by the Alexa opinions on this thread.

I read your title and was expecting to say YABU, but reading your post made me furious on your behalf. I think it's completely unfair of him to take over the house with his stuff to that extent, and then make a fuss about the one thing you want. However - maybe he didn't realise you are feeling so resentful? I guess you need to have a proper conversation about his stuff and how you are feeling taken for granted. He's probably right that you went about things the wrong way by just getting the Alexa when you knew he wouldn't like it.

Having the place full of stuff isn't relevant to the fact that he feels it's dangerous.

They do listen to conversations 24/7, very much doubt your at risk of any hacking as such, i just wouldn't have one for privacy reasons, he's entitled to feel safe in his home.
Think you need to address the other issues with a more diplomatic approach.

I actually think they are part of the same issue - you feel like everything in how your home looks and feels is dictated by him. You’ve made compromises and allowances for him, but don’t feel he’s doing the same for you.

How do you plan to tackle it?

How are they intrusive?

I was given one last Christmas, I’d adamantly said I never wanted one, both our kids have one in their homes, each uses different functions and while staying with them I used the function too, drop in, timer, weather, music.

I was pretty upset I’d been gifted it. However, we do use it, but I only turn it on when I want it. When we go out for a few hours, I can listen to the dog (neighbour sometimes rings me if he’s barking when we are out). I can tell him to be quiet.

I don’t use the shopping list or the timer, but do turn it on for music.

so can you perhaps just use it when you are on your own, switch it off the rest of the time perhaps.

TBH I’d rather not have it, but, with Siri on my phone I wonder if they are always listening regardless of the hardware used. (I have been known to insist all phones iPads etc are off, and in another room when DH had to have some serious confidential conversations).

I asked why it is intrusive.

Oh I just looked it up.

It says that amazon workers listen to your conversations all the time

YABU.

I kind of understand you don't feel like "yourself" and the home doesn't feel like "your home", and you absolutely need to understand and address that.
Bugging your home isn't the way.

How would you feel about having a webcam watching your living room all the time, waiting for someone to wave at it to officially activate itself?

All the outrage about Alexas when people have mobile phones 😂😂

Are you honestly saying you've never had ads appear about something you've been talking about when your phones lying out?? It's the same thing

He isn’t unreasonable for not wanting an Alexa. I wouldn’t want one either. If it were in your space in the house that’s up to you, but I think you’re unreasonable to have one in communal areas knowing his objections. That doesn’t mean your resentment isn’t fair in general or you shouldn’t feel home in communal areas either. If he has too much stuff that you can’t live comfortably in the house he either needs to get rid of some, or find external storage. He’s also being unreasonable, but he has a clear issue based objection to an Alexa which is common despite their popularity.

YABU. His privacy concerns are completely valid. Alexas are invasive, and he shouldn’t be made to feel surveilled in his own home.

But he seems unreasonable for filling your house with so much junk. He should downsize.

I turn my phone off when I'm not using it though.

When I've gone round to people's houses with Alex's, they have them plugged in all the time. It's meant to record all of your conversations

And you can do the same to an Alexa too.

Like your phone it's only as intrusive as you allow it to be

You can turn off all of the settings that allow microphone access for those apps.

Yes I know you can. I said that when I've gone round to people's houses, people seem to leave them plugged in all day.

I don't think that it matters if others are OK with it. I have one or two things that most people are fine with, but I absolutely won't have in my house. If he's not otherwise controlling, I think you should take his feelings I to consideration.

Yabu. The other issues are your justification but it still doesn't make it right to pick this one thing that isn't even putting a bit of you around the house. This isn't a rug or picture or something hobby related that injects your personality. It's just invading his home with tech he (and many, with good reason) hate. You knew that and chose to do it anyway. I'd be furious too. As if you can't play music or set timers easily in other ways. And you can address your other issues without making this the hill the to die on.

I think he's being OTT and couldn't live with someone like that.

I would never have this 'Big Brother' device in my home. In the same way that I ban websites from tracking me, keep my social media private, disable geofencing whenever possible, disable and clear Google history, etc. I would do more if I had the capacity.

I wouldn't even be with anyone from the tinfoil hat brigade or someone who filled up my home with their junk.

The devices are definitely listening to us. Mobile phones too.

I was chatting to my mother about hearing aids yesterday. For her. I go onto my phone. Straightaway an advert for hearing aids pops up.

Do they think we're stupid!

I bought a couple in the sale, too, OP. I rarely use 'em but I like being able to get music just by asking, have used the reminders, made a shopping list and asked it do a few maths questions I couldn't be bothered with 😄 Mine also tells me cute bedtime stories, but I get that married adults are unlikely to use this skill!

The blindingly obvious solution for your predicament is, as others have said, to unplug it when you're not using it.

I don't really understand all this fear and loathing of listening devices - fair enough if you're a criminal or involved in high-level security, but who the fuck cares if a data centre somewhere has recordings of you debating whether to make spag bol or shepherd's pie with that mince that needs using up? Anyway, you appear to be married to a self-important, paranoid weirdo. So just use your Echo when you're own your own with it.

Then marry it 😉