To buy an Alexa when partner didn’t want one?

[Allinadayswork80]

This is a bit petty but there’s more behind it. Just had a huge row with DP basically because I bought an Alexa without consulting him. I’ve wanted an Alexa for ages, lots of friends have them, we have one at work, they seem pretty standard in many homes in my experience. I like listening to music when doing cooking/housework and also like the timer function plus the other benefits like shopping list, weather updates, etc. Mentioned this over a year ago to DP and he completely vetoed it because it “listens to our conversations and isn’t safe”. End of conversation.
Bit of backstory, we’ve been together for nearly 6yrs, our relationship moved quite fast and we moved in together quickly and had a DD (my 2nd). He came with a lot of stuff, like a LOT of stuff! He’s a builder and dabbles in mechanics so has tons of tools - fair enough and this comes in handy for fixing our vehicles, DIY at home etc. However he was also into BMX’ing so has 2x bikes plus another mountain bike. He likes snowboarding so has all the gear for that. He used to do dj’ing (house type music, events) so has a big ugly unit with his decks, records, equipment. He likes motorbikes and has kind of ‘inherited’ 2x large Harley/chopper bikes. Plus all the gear. So basically our home is filled with a lot of his stuff. The lounge, shed, garage - all dominated by his stuff. Not to mention the kids stuff, toys etc. Over time I feel much of ‘me’ has fallen by the wayside to accommodate him, physically and also lifestyle wise. Admittedly resentment has crept in with this and more recently I’ve been trying to inject some of ‘me’ back into my/our life, having made so many compromises for him and the kids I feel I’ve become a little lost on the way.
So on a whim, with the recent Amazon deals event, I bought myself an Alexa. I plugged it in and set it up today and love it. He has come home from work (albeit to a clean and tidy house, dog walked, children cared for and a lovely home cooked meal - my one ‘day off’ a week) and is pissed off.
Cut an already long story short, we had a huge row, all the resentment came pouring out as he made such a song and dance about something I see as so trivial. He doesn’t like it, thinks they’re dangerous, we’ll be hacked, the children aren’t safe blah blah blah. I should have considered his feelings and consulted him. I knew he would have just shut me down same as before.
Now I’m in bed seething and can’t sleep.
Have I been that unreasonable?

YABU to have an Alexa when you knew he was so against it. I also wouldn't have one in my house. They DO listen into your conversations and that IMO is creepy as fuck.

However, he sounds like a nightmare and quite controlling. All that stuff too - OMG I could feel my blood pressure rising just reading what you'd written about all the bikes and the DJing equipment. I couldn't live with someone like that.

So using a remote control to change a radio is more virtuous than speech activation...

We use them in my parents house as an emergency alarm if my mum falls. The speech activation means it works when she can't get up.

That's really interesting, thank you. I don't have facebook etc, and have my microphones on all apps except 'phone' turned off - so I genuinely didn't know this (as never experienced).

OK I can understand it being very useful for people with impaired sight or other issues so it's not all bad. I just think by the time I've said "Alexa, turn the light on" I could've flicked a switch (and not felt like a twat)

How bizarre that you'd actually lose respect for someone though 😂

YABU.

All the stuff about his stuff being all over isn’t relevant to two facts. One, he specifically asked you not to get one and you did anyway. Two, you are now angry about his stuff so you bought it in defiance.

I wouldn’t have an Alexa for the reasons stated and completely understand his point.

So you willfully did something you knew he wouldn’t be happy about and now want to justify it with he has too much stuff and asking here.

I know there are people on MN who always take the woman's side in any argument but on this one he is completely entitled to his opinion and to be upset that the OP has deliberately ignored his strongly held views just because she is fed up with him about his stuff. She clearly had no respect for his feelings and should not have got any equipment that affects everyone in the house without his prior agreement. Interesting to see that while the poll is actually quite split, the OP hasn't been back since this thread was started.

He's right about Alexa. Some people might feel the intrusion is ok given the convenience but it has to be a "two yeses" thing given that you live together. I'm not surprised he's pissed off.

He shouldn't be filling your house with crap.

😂😂😂 Nicely done.

Both myself and dh work in cyber/information security. We have Alexas in almost every room, including the garage. If an Amazon worker wants to listen to our conversations they’ll die of boredom before they find anything interesting. But I’m certain they don’t. What on earth would be the point? I can’t imagine how many employees they’d need to have them listening to all the alexas! 🤣

Totally agree. I have nothing to hide so why would I care if it's recording me.
As far as ads are concerned, there will always be ads. The option is ads for things you might be interested because you've talked about it , clicked a link, searched etc, or ads for things you have no interest in at all. You do know that seeing ads doesn't force you to buy anything right? So i don't really care what ads I see.

We don't have one and wouldn't want one so i am on your partner's side. The less tech in a house, the better.

I don't engage in arguing with men, so I can't understand how this turned into a huge fight.
Boyfriend 'wehhh blah blah'
You 'its mine. Just ignore it.'
Boyfriend 'wehhhh'
You 'ok.' and go about your day.

He sounds like a bit of a thicko, is this really the best you can do?

He has privacy and safety concerns about a device that listens to you in your home.

You were wrong to get one when your DP had vetoed it.

You know it’s different to snowboard and other inanimate stuff don’t you. The two issues are entirely separate.

Anyway, descending into tot for tat is the death knell for your relationship so keep your Alexa and boot him out.

For everyone's enlightenment, you don't have to call it Alexa and it doesn't have to be 'female'. Mine's called Ziggy (I know; it's one of the permitted options) and speaks in a male voice.

I refer to them as 'it' and am damned if I'll do anything to perpetuate the idea that servants are female!

My DH bought one after I made it clear I don't want one in my house.

I insist it is unplugged if I am home. He can do what he wants when he's home alone, but if I am home then I don't want it listening to me.

It now languishes in its box. Too much faff to keep plugging it in and unplugging it I guess.

I would see Alexa and similar as a gross invasion of my privacy.

They have an emergency setting. So if you sound like you’re in distress it will record. Alexa conversations have been used in murder / abuse cases. It’s easily fixed through Alexa’s settings. Only an absolute luddite would not get one based on that.

I think you have a wider issue here. It’s telling that he’s spent thousands of pounds on stuff for his hobbies and interests while you basically have nothing of yourself. Do you have absolutely no leisure time? If that’s the case I’d cut that off right now - you should both have equal leisure time where you aren’t doing housework / childcare / work at the same time. If he gets weekends then you get your day off to do what you want.

And could you switch on the bedroom, hall, stairs and kitchen lights, put the kettle on, open the kitchen blinds and read the weather report in the time it takes to say “Alexa, morning” Cos my Alexa can.

YABU and comparing two completely different things. He's explained why he doesn't like/want an Alexa. If you dislike the amount of stuff he has, suggest he sorts it out and gets rid of what he doesn't need or rents storage to store some of it. It does sound a bit like you've decided to say 'screw you' over the Alexa because you're angry about other things.

@Aposterhasnoname - yeah I'd prefer to. Each to his own

And if you prefer to, that’s absolutely fine. But the point you were making was that it’s just as quick to flick a switch. That is not necessarily true, and there’s no need to “feel like a twat” for making life that little bit easier.

This thread is eye opening, I had no idea so many people hated them (obviously knew some did) I don't do or say anything interesting enough to care if it's listening.

People are incredibly naive when they say that even if Alexa's listening, all she's hearing is domestic minutiae that no one would care about. It's an INCREDIBLY short step to - you bought a pregnancy test, told DH it was positive, and tonight you've mentioned a glass of wine...who should Alexa alert? Social services?
Or you told someone your weight is in the 'obese' zone and you've just put cakes in your shopping order..does Alexa offer you a stern warning? Refuse to put the cakes in your shopping? Tell your doctor? Or your health insurer?
The options are endless. They will be in use in the end as they save money for businesses.
But perhaps everyone will feel these are great outcomes as they are for the Greater Good....
This is not tin foil hat territory. These are obvious developments for corporate use of available data.

His junk all over the house and his feelings about Alexa aren't really comparable. Completely separate issues. I am with him on not wanting an Alexa for all the reasons he has stated, especially as you know how strongly he feels about it.

Just because he has a lot of stuff around the house that annoys you, I don't think you should go against something he explicitly said he doesn't want on his home.

It needed a further discussion on how you feel about his stuff around the house and get it moved out - not getting the Alexa.