To buy an Alexa when partner didn’t want one?

[Allinadayswork80]

This is a bit petty but there’s more behind it. Just had a huge row with DP basically because I bought an Alexa without consulting him. I’ve wanted an Alexa for ages, lots of friends have them, we have one at work, they seem pretty standard in many homes in my experience. I like listening to music when doing cooking/housework and also like the timer function plus the other benefits like shopping list, weather updates, etc. Mentioned this over a year ago to DP and he completely vetoed it because it “listens to our conversations and isn’t safe”. End of conversation.
Bit of backstory, we’ve been together for nearly 6yrs, our relationship moved quite fast and we moved in together quickly and had a DD (my 2nd). He came with a lot of stuff, like a LOT of stuff! He’s a builder and dabbles in mechanics so has tons of tools - fair enough and this comes in handy for fixing our vehicles, DIY at home etc. However he was also into BMX’ing so has 2x bikes plus another mountain bike. He likes snowboarding so has all the gear for that. He used to do dj’ing (house type music, events) so has a big ugly unit with his decks, records, equipment. He likes motorbikes and has kind of ‘inherited’ 2x large Harley/chopper bikes. Plus all the gear. So basically our home is filled with a lot of his stuff. The lounge, shed, garage - all dominated by his stuff. Not to mention the kids stuff, toys etc. Over time I feel much of ‘me’ has fallen by the wayside to accommodate him, physically and also lifestyle wise. Admittedly resentment has crept in with this and more recently I’ve been trying to inject some of ‘me’ back into my/our life, having made so many compromises for him and the kids I feel I’ve become a little lost on the way.
So on a whim, with the recent Amazon deals event, I bought myself an Alexa. I plugged it in and set it up today and love it. He has come home from work (albeit to a clean and tidy house, dog walked, children cared for and a lovely home cooked meal - my one ‘day off’ a week) and is pissed off.
Cut an already long story short, we had a huge row, all the resentment came pouring out as he made such a song and dance about something I see as so trivial. He doesn’t like it, thinks they’re dangerous, we’ll be hacked, the children aren’t safe blah blah blah. I should have considered his feelings and consulted him. I knew he would have just shut me down same as before.
Now I’m in bed seething and can’t sleep.
Have I been that unreasonable?

It’s fine to decide for yourself that the surveillance is a price worth paying for convenience, but you can’t decide that for other people. If anyone in the house doesn’t want it, it’s unfair to get it (unless you turn it off whenever he’s home).

I coughed while using my phone the other day (tea gone down the wrong way rather than illness) and in front of my eyes an advert was replaced for a cough syrup one.

I hear you on the clutter taking over your house and your need for it to be a shared space. You are not being unreasonable on that count.

But... I am with him on never having an Alexa in the house ( and automatic listening turned off on everyone's phones and computers). I was ambivalent about it thinking that what I had to say was not important. Then our work IT policy changed to say we weren't allowed to work from home if we had them switched on. At the moment I am deferring to their expertise.

I’ll take a look at my phone settings! I also have an Alexa I never switch off so will be more aware of that too.

I turn my off when not in use.
And when I'm cooking and playing music all anyone can hear is me singing along- which they won't want to do for ling

He's right op.

Alexa definitely does not just start recording when it's activated, oh no, there's a big room in Amazon HQ with 2 workers on shifts that listen to the millions of homes that have these and they input music tastes on to a spreadsheet that gets sent to their CEO who reviews every single one. Personally. Have no idea how they manage it but it's true. Jim in the pub told me.

Stunned people think Alexa’s listen to them, how do people think that will work. That there is some massive town sized secret building with hundreds of thousands of workers listening in? What are they listening to, what you will have for tea? Why would they care. Massive equipment Storing the recordings of millions of people in this huge fantasy building?. Very odd.

id not be able to look at him due to the fact it is so illogical

You knew his feelings and you knew what his reaction would be so you choose not to tell him. I get his point, they are very invasive. You dealing with him having so much stuff is completely separate from having a listening device in the house. Deal with the amount of stuff he has separately, they aren't the same issue.

Was gifted one and sold it on eBay for similar reasons to your DP. However I do think mobiles and laptops likely listen in too from my Google feed
I think you need some calmer discussions about stuff in general

I’d be furious and walk out, I wouldn’t live in a house with one.

His stuff / junk is a separate issue, so petty to use your resentment over that to try and get your way with the Alexa.

You are aware you’re being recorded 24/7?

YANBU. Read back your post and you will see how filled to the brim with justification it is. You shouldn't need to live like that.
Enjoy your Alexa. Personally I wouldn't be without mine.

He's being ridiculous.

Buy him a tinfoil hat and leave him some spare that he can use to wrap his smartphone.

They're very divisive. I'd hate to have one - hearing someone ask it to do stuff would make me lose a bit of respect for them. But he should clear some of his crap up definitely. Like PP's have said, maybe just use it when you're home alone?

Yesterday Alexa played nursery rhymes when I asked for a 2 minute timer....

(Also...how can you turn off a phone when not using it, when half the point is other people may be trying to contact you?)

We have 6 Alexa's 😳

We only have 4.

Best thing I ever got.
I formally apologize to any Amazon worker whose role is listening to our houses conversations. They must die of boredom.

Calling Santa during December is the best craic, he has songs, jokes and North Pole updates or asking Alexa for fart sounds 🙄

Tell him not to talk around it and the Amazon worker won't find out about his plans to take over the world.

You have two separate issues and are trying to justify what you did by bringing your issue to the table. If someone in the household isn't comfortable with an Alexa, they shouldn't be there. If you wasn't comfortable with the amount of stuff brought into your house, you should have created boundaries. The Alexa needs to go. And the stuff needs to be organised and reduced.

Nobody thinks that.
The device is always picking up sound. It doesn’t mean that they think a person is listening.

"hearing someone ask it to do stuff would make me lose a bit of respect for them."

Hearing someone instruct Alexa to play music would make you lose respect for the person?

I think there are two separate issues. It’s not the case that he’s brought 100 items into the house and you’ve bought one and he’s annoyed. It’s purely the type of item. My husband won’t have an Alexa - let’s just say that due to his job he knows too much about how they can be misused. So the first issue is that he feels he has valid concerns about privacy which you don’t understand and have ignored.

The second is that he’s taking over every bit of space with things which aren’t suited to the amount of space you have and that’s where I’m on your side. He needs to have a clear out or pay for self storage. Your home isn’t a dumping ground for tons of hobby equipment!

AI can be used to sort through for relevant information. This then can be used (by a computer, not a person) to adjust advertising, which news feeds pop up, etc. Kind of scarily manipulative, really.

Yep, it just makes me cringe

Do remote controls make you cringe too?

I have five Alexa. DH and I regularly try trolling it talking loudly about some random item we’d never dream of buying. Not once have we seen an advert for it.

That said, genuine question here, if it did listen and target advert at us, what is so terrible about saying you want a new kettle, and then adverts for kettles you might like start appearing?

@TickingAlongNicely - no, I don't talk to my remote control. It's the idea of asking it to do something out loud, I'd just rather do it myself. And I hate people referring to Alexa as "she", it's an it!