To buy an Alexa when partner didn’t want one?

[Allinadayswork80]

This is a bit petty but there’s more behind it. Just had a huge row with DP basically because I bought an Alexa without consulting him. I’ve wanted an Alexa for ages, lots of friends have them, we have one at work, they seem pretty standard in many homes in my experience. I like listening to music when doing cooking/housework and also like the timer function plus the other benefits like shopping list, weather updates, etc. Mentioned this over a year ago to DP and he completely vetoed it because it “listens to our conversations and isn’t safe”. End of conversation.
Bit of backstory, we’ve been together for nearly 6yrs, our relationship moved quite fast and we moved in together quickly and had a DD (my 2nd). He came with a lot of stuff, like a LOT of stuff! He’s a builder and dabbles in mechanics so has tons of tools - fair enough and this comes in handy for fixing our vehicles, DIY at home etc. However he was also into BMX’ing so has 2x bikes plus another mountain bike. He likes snowboarding so has all the gear for that. He used to do dj’ing (house type music, events) so has a big ugly unit with his decks, records, equipment. He likes motorbikes and has kind of ‘inherited’ 2x large Harley/chopper bikes. Plus all the gear. So basically our home is filled with a lot of his stuff. The lounge, shed, garage - all dominated by his stuff. Not to mention the kids stuff, toys etc. Over time I feel much of ‘me’ has fallen by the wayside to accommodate him, physically and also lifestyle wise. Admittedly resentment has crept in with this and more recently I’ve been trying to inject some of ‘me’ back into my/our life, having made so many compromises for him and the kids I feel I’ve become a little lost on the way.
So on a whim, with the recent Amazon deals event, I bought myself an Alexa. I plugged it in and set it up today and love it. He has come home from work (albeit to a clean and tidy house, dog walked, children cared for and a lovely home cooked meal - my one ‘day off’ a week) and is pissed off.
Cut an already long story short, we had a huge row, all the resentment came pouring out as he made such a song and dance about something I see as so trivial. He doesn’t like it, thinks they’re dangerous, we’ll be hacked, the children aren’t safe blah blah blah. I should have considered his feelings and consulted him. I knew he would have just shut me down same as before.
Now I’m in bed seething and can’t sleep.
Have I been that unreasonable?

Unless he's also ditched his smartphone, which is far more intrusive than an Alexa, then he's being completely unreasonable.

Does he have a mobile phone with him all day? They listen in. At least with Alexa, you can change the settings.

I have four Alexa devices in my house. You'd have to pay me ££££££ to get rid of them!

Well whoever is listening to my conversations must be bored . Me and my dh had an epic chat earlier about cleaning the skirting boards and re painting them . Then we had the what should we cook for dinner chat. That's always quite riveting .
I have not planned anything nefarious this week but my future chats about anything interesting that may or may not be used against me in some way will definitely be done in the garden . Only my neighbours can hear me out there.
I stopped saying my bank account number and other such details out loud a while back.

Yabu to have an Alexa in the house when he doesn't want if. They are more intrusive than a phone because they are designed to listen in. You can turn off mic access for the phone but not the Alexa.

But he is unreasonable to fill the house with his clutter.

Is the house own jointly? What is his financial contribution?

Me neither. There was a scandal a few years ago where it was found Alexa was recording full conversations etc while not 'activated' (and yes it gets stored).

I'm more relaxed on these kinds of things but my husband would mind it so I'd never get one - as it means him being recorded too.

Re: the “risk” of an Alexa.

My DH works in cyber security and risk management. He is very knowledgeable (obviously) about the risks of tech and about making our home tech setup “safe” etc etc. He always thinks the worst in a situation and very much always considers the worst-case scenario. And yet we have a house full of Alexas 😂😂

Seriously, even if they are “listening” which I’m not sure they actually are, who has got time to process and care about all that information from millions of households? It’s just a non-worry. Also, Alexa is a very bad listener and she constantly mistakes what I say.

I hope you can win this one OP as despite my annoyance over Alexa sometimes I do enjoy the convenience of having one for music, audiobooks etc.

I wouldn't have one, I think you needed to convince him first. You've got it now though so maybe just turn it on when he's not about.

If either of you have a smartphone, using Google or social media, then you are already being listened to. We worked this out a couple of years ago, a recent example was when we were in a hotel with just one other family staying. We were trying to work out what language they were speaking and our best guess was Hebrew. The next mourning DH had a FB ad pop up for fast track learning lessons in……Hebrew. This is just the latest in a frequent series.
oh and it’s not Amazon ‘workers’ listening to you, it’s AI.

I wonder where you get a job listening to people's conversations through their Alexa. Never seen them on Indeed.....

When you were having the row was the thing turned on?

If the word Alexa was mentioned during the row, it would have tried to work out whether you were talking to it. If it wasn't sure, it would have sent your row up to the cloud to get a more powerful computer to help it decide. If the more powerful computer had trouble deciding, it might have kept a recording and some humans would have listened to it so they can improve the technology.

Some people are fine with that, and I can see why. It would have been anonymous, and they wouldn't have done anything to you apart from have a bit of a laugh at your expense.

Personally, the whole concept makes my skin crawl.

YABNU.

So what if Amazon records all the conversations, not that they will all be audible / transcribable accurately anyway. What could anyone usefully do with that info? Your DP is paranoid. So what if Amazon know where you kids go to school or they have a birthday party Saturday afternoon, what is anyone going to do with that info?! Kidnap your kids specifically? Don’t need an Alexa to do that - just around around schools / parks and soft play!

Anyway mobile phones are (probably) recording a lot more, especially as they tend to be physically closer to us and pick up higher quality audio on their microphones. Worrying about Alexa is like worrying about a dripping tap when your house has already flooded from the roof off in a rain storm!

I couldn’t live with such a technophobe - what next? Return to horse and cart?

I think it’s scary how much we have normalised this level of surveillance. Alexa/google/siri and the list goes on. And now we have the meta glasses where you’re essentially giving everything to meta through the photos we take.

and let’s not forget these companies where you actually pay them to have your DNA. That one is a disaster in the making.

And it’s totally understandable that people want those things. It’s great to just be able to ask Alexa/google to set a timer, or to put on your meta glasses without the need to get your camera out. And DNA gives you so much of an insight into where you’ve come from, and potentially find family you never knew about.

And in the meantime all this technology is used to gather data on you. To know what you’re saying, what you’re buying, where you go. None of us would be happy if someone actually hired someone to track your every move 24/7, or to take a couple of strands of your hair to do a DNA test, we would feel it was intrusive and probably feel freaked out by it. And yet we all subscribe to have exactly that with the lure of benefit to us.

This. It has to be a mutual decision.

I’d use it as an opportunity to discuss the disparity in your living situation.
You will get rid of the Alexa when he starts respecting the fact that your home shouldn’t be full of all his shit.

But it’s his home too, and she said that they moved in together, which leads me to believe they both moved into a property. If he moved into her house, then that’s different.

Yeah I can see his point. Having an Alexa feels very intrusive. So YABU re that.

However, he does sound like a bit of a knob. How can you address the other issues?

If am man did this women would be up and arms speaking of red flags, gaslighting, controlling etc.

I am with him on this and woul say the same whoever wanted one, and I don't get this 'all my friends have one so I want one' in an adult

I'd be telling him I'll get Rid of the alexa when you get rid of all your crap cluttering up the house. Oh and his smart phone since he doesn't like to be listened to.

How does that make it different?
Why should OP be living in a house full of his shit?

I also sometimes think that, but it could also be Baader–Meinhof phenomenon. Things you’ve just thought about, or discussed, pop more when you then randomly see them, giving the experience meaning that isn’t there.

It’s like when you decide to buy a blue Peugeot, you will start to see blue Peugeots more frequently. The frequency of seeing them hasn’t actually increased, you just notice those cars more as they are in your conscious.

So the coincidence of seeing the hearing aid ad after the conversation might make it feel more significant. You may have received the exact same ad either way, but had you not just had the conversation you wouldn’t have noticed.

But saying that I feel the same as you!

I think an Alexa has to be a joint decision.

I think he's not being petty, you've completely disregarded his views in what is supposed to be his home.

If you have issues around his stuff, tackle that head on.

You're both unreasonable.

His stuff shouldn't be taking over. The work stuff is unavoidable, but current hobby items can be streamlined and old hobby equipment can be sold on to make space. Nobody needs that many bikes.

My DH did the same as you a couple of years ago with a Google Home, despite knowing I don't like the idea of them, because they were in offer. I find them very intrusive. I don't like them listening, but most annoying is that it often interrupts a conversation (at a loud volume) with random and unasked for information as it believes we've tried to engage its help. On the very rare occasion a DC asks it a question, it 'doesn't understand the question' a good portion of the time (I'm stood with DCs and understand what their asking, so it's a Google problem not a small human problem), and the rest if the time will invariably answer almost the right question, but not quite. Useless.
DH uses it every evening to cast podcasts to from his phone, but doesn't use it for anything else. I wish we could just have a speaker instead, which would do what he wants without the intrusion that annoys me so much. I switch it off whenever I spot it plugged in, but DH will do the opposite... I don't think he fully grasps how much I hate the thing, despite telling him on many, many occasions!

Can you not use your phone for shopping lists, timers etc?

No, phones definitely listens to your conversation and target advertisement based on your conversations, but unlike with Alexa, you can just go into your settings and switch off that function if you don't want to be tracked. Alexa's are intrusive on a whole different level.

I’m with him on the Alexa, but what’s really shitty about your action is that you’ve tried to make him complicit in steam rolling his own opinions. You said “I see it as so trivial”, when you know for him it’s actually a really big deal, and now you’re complaining that he said what he actually meant, and stuck with it.

In terms of him dominating the volume of the house with his stuff, I am with you. If there is little to zero of you in the house, then I would need to discuss that.

His 'stuff' doesn't spy on you though does it? If he's not happy for his personal data to be compromised in this way, you should respect that.