To begrudge her perfect little life

[Sistafromanothermista]

I’m struggling to articulate this but I have a friend who I actually really like as a person but can’t help begrudge her life sometimes.

we went to school together and she was a high flying achiever. Type A person who was never in trouble but pushed boundaries if she thought teachers were wrong or there was an injustice etc. She was a workaholic and wanted to focus on her career with no time for boys, alcohol and ‘distractions’ like that.

we lost touch for a few years and got back in touch recently and I feel I don’t know, demoralised maybe, because of how her life has turned out.

when we met up again she told me she’d met someone (I was happy for her because I knew she had been in an abusive relationship for a while) and was happy. She then goes on to show me pictures of his proposal (think movie style every girl’s dream rose petals and swan towels) and says they’ve booked their wedding. Again all good.

she THEN proceeds to tell me shes 16 weeks pregnant and her and her fiancée had bought a house. I without thinking asked how can you afford all this…of course miss workaholic accelerated in her finance role.

since we’ve gotten closer she’s had her wedding and just so happened that her husband has made friends with my friends through a hobby. They all went out recently (as in all the men), including my own boyfriend. They went to a more sleazy part of town and I (and this is so horrible I know) asked specifically about my friends husband to see if he’d been upto anything (a couple of the other men had). Apparently her husband talked about her the whole night, didn’t drink alcohol and went home early because he missed her.

just tonight she text me to tell me she’s expecting another baby and how she would love to meet for lunch. She’s a lovely woman and she has a heart of gold and she should obviously be so proud of herself but for fuck sake I just feel like I can’t catch a break around her sometimes. Aibu?

edited to say: she’s stunning by the way. She was always attractive in school but when I saw her again she looked like a real elegant type of stunning. I’m not bad myself but again I just feel a bit bleugh when I’m with her.

Time to do some work on yourself. Make a list of all the things you are good at and what you have achieved. Get out photos where you look good. Do an audit on your relationships, boyfriend, family, friends etc. Make a list of all your achievements at work, academically, travels, difficulties overcome and I am sure that if you look at yourself from outside you may be very pleasantly surprised. Are you and introvert? A bit arty? A bit of a character? This may be triggering your reaction to this woman? To me she sounds thoroughly boring. In my family we call them the 'prosecco people feeling blessed'. Be authentic, wacky, individual etc Why not go out for lunch with this person and just spend your time listening to what she says and how she speaks? Does she ask after you, your job, your hobbies, or does she just go on and on about herself? Big red flag. Get out there and enjoy being you be it taking up knitting or climbing a mountain. What floats your boat? I think you are trying to fit yourself into a life which is just not you. Good luck and happy travels.

and went home early because he missed her

I'd be cringing if my DH came home early because he missed me....

You're being pretty mean. They're happy. You need to step away and focus on your own life. She doesn't need you as a friend when you're this resentful.

What a perfect little life, Jane.

Also, OP well done for articulating how you feel! Not that you should show it to her but expressing your true feelings anonymously here hope it has relieved the pressure. Sounds like you need to move on and keep this woman as a coffee friend.

. I can’t decide if I don’t like it or if I want it. Does that make sens

Well, it sounds pretty much a textbook definition of simple jealousy to me. Do you remember the saying about 'comparison being the thief of joy.'

Try being happy for her and remember that nothing she has or does takes anything away from you.

There you go. She's only human, after all, OP.

I'm sorry @Sistafromanothermista but you sound really immature and dare I say horrible. I am hoping it is just the jealous talking but if a friend of mine said this about me that would be the end of our friendship.

She hasn't achieved anything you couldn't have with the same hard work.

Blaming her for your lack of position is really unfair and will only make you miserable.

If she is truly a friend you want to keep you should be happy for her, not sneering at her.

Your issue is with yourself. So work on that. Sign up to training courses to improve your job etc. If you are jealous of her proposal make sure your boyfriend knows you have expectations of something grand.

But stop being so mean about someone who is meant to be your friend.

You definitely sound jealous. If it was just a case of not liking their "obsession" you and your partner would have laughed about it amongst yourselves, you wouldn't have started this thread.

Do you want to get married? Buy a house? Have a child? Improve your career? I assume so from what you've written, but it's for you to work out.

Rather than envy her life, look at improving yours.

I’ve met way more high achieving show offs than that. Wait until you meet school mums. If you don’t want to be around her? Just distance yourself

You sound jealous, petty and vindictive @Sistafromanothermista . Are you hoping that posters will pile on slagging your friend off?

eurgh

I hope your "friend" cottons on and stays well away from such a toxic person.

Excellent advice 👌 This in spades.

I get that sometimes you can get jealous of someone’s life. I often have that bleurgh feeling when looking at Instagram…. But to be asking your husband about information on their night out and it feels like you would have been seemingly pleased that he cheated on her or something?? This is where it’s not normal, at best cringe and worst something else.

if her baby has a disability will you be happy?? If her husband had a bad accident would you be happy?? I honestly think you need to work on yourself

Do you grade all your friends like this OP? It’s a telling thing to do, about you not her.

Just keep your distance- you sound like one of those who feeds off knowing that others have problems.

Eugh I really hope she realises what an awful friend you're being.

Don’t disagree with everything you’ve said but do you not see the irony in “be wacky”? Cringe. If you have to try that hard to be authentic and individual you’re probably… not. As if someone can’t enjoy prosecco and also climb mountains and also knit?

Wow this really blew up. Reading back I have come across really bitchy. I think it’s the fact she was one person when I knew her and now she seems to be able to do it all: loving husband, lovely kid, great career, keeps herself looking well. I don’t begrudge her for being happy it just makes me feel shit being around her sometimes. I do think the husband one is a big one. Like I love my boyfriend and he loves me but I wouldn’t leave a night out because I missed him or vice versa.

Jealousy is dripping from your posts. And I can understand being jealous, but hoping that her husband had cheated on her and wasn't so perfect after all really is dreadful. It shows you are mean spirited rather than simply jealous.

Swan towels! 🤣🤣 Personally I would find that a bit cringe rather than anything aspirational. It absolutely isn't what every girl wants. It sounds like it's what you want and you are upset that your boyfriend hasn't proposed to you.

By the way, she doesn't have a "perfect little life" if she has been in an abusive relationship. It sounds like she has worked hard for what she has and you are looking at your own life and relationship and seeing it is lacking.

If you put out this sort of venom into the world, you're never going to be happy. I'd spend less time worrying about what she has and more time working on your own issues.

Maybe she's on here and will recognise herself. There's enough detail.

I agree.

Misery loves company.

You need to focus on improving your own life.

If you have this attitude, then her life will always be better than yours, regardless of what she does.

You should be using her attitude as motivation to do better for yourself.

Are there no positive aspects of your life?
What part of your life are you not happy with and what are you doing to change it?

Why are you so jealous? It's a very ugly emotion. Why do you begrudge her everything?
All of my old friends are more financially settled than I ever can be. All have good marriages to lovely men. Most are retired and I'll work way beyond state pension age.
I don't begrudge any of them what they have. I don't think "poor little me" either. That's no way to live! I'm very happy for them all.
I think, OP, that you need to walk away from this, as it's not healthy. Then get some therapy to try to change how you see the world.

I do think the husband one is a big one. Like I love my boyfriend and he loves me but I wouldn’t leave a night out because I missed him or vice versa.

Neither would I.
So why are you jealous over it?

Why is the husband a big one if that’s not what you would want anyway?

perfect little life
So condescending. OP sounds like a bully.

What a horrible post, so nasty. She really needs to distance herself from you OP. Friends should be over the moon at their friend's achievements and success/happiness.