To begrudge her perfect little life

[Sistafromanothermista]

I’m struggling to articulate this but I have a friend who I actually really like as a person but can’t help begrudge her life sometimes.

we went to school together and she was a high flying achiever. Type A person who was never in trouble but pushed boundaries if she thought teachers were wrong or there was an injustice etc. She was a workaholic and wanted to focus on her career with no time for boys, alcohol and ‘distractions’ like that.

we lost touch for a few years and got back in touch recently and I feel I don’t know, demoralised maybe, because of how her life has turned out.

when we met up again she told me she’d met someone (I was happy for her because I knew she had been in an abusive relationship for a while) and was happy. She then goes on to show me pictures of his proposal (think movie style every girl’s dream rose petals and swan towels) and says they’ve booked their wedding. Again all good.

she THEN proceeds to tell me shes 16 weeks pregnant and her and her fiancée had bought a house. I without thinking asked how can you afford all this…of course miss workaholic accelerated in her finance role.

since we’ve gotten closer she’s had her wedding and just so happened that her husband has made friends with my friends through a hobby. They all went out recently (as in all the men), including my own boyfriend. They went to a more sleazy part of town and I (and this is so horrible I know) asked specifically about my friends husband to see if he’d been upto anything (a couple of the other men had). Apparently her husband talked about her the whole night, didn’t drink alcohol and went home early because he missed her.

just tonight she text me to tell me she’s expecting another baby and how she would love to meet for lunch. She’s a lovely woman and she has a heart of gold and she should obviously be so proud of herself but for fuck sake I just feel like I can’t catch a break around her sometimes. Aibu?

edited to say: she’s stunning by the way. She was always attractive in school but when I saw her again she looked like a real elegant type of stunning. I’m not bad myself but again I just feel a bit bleugh when I’m with her.

Apparently her husband talked about her the whole night, didn’t drink alcohol and went home early because he missed her.

Somehow I doubt this.
It's what your boyfriend told you.
Maybe he was trying to wind you up?

I expect the reality is your friend's husband was being responsible by not drinking (and driving?), she is pregnant and they already have a small child.

Isn't it more likely he was being caring and had agreed not to stay out late and get plastered?

On the other hand if it WAS true, that intensity can't last.
If you were a true friend, you'd understand that, be happy with your own life (or trying to improve it) and be around if things change for her.

I don't think you should call yourself this woman's friend. You're really not.

You have read my post too literally. It was thrown out there as an alternative perspective to support the OP against a barrage of how mean she is. My point was to be yourself and not some cut out copy of what now seems to be a given way of life. You have put on the interpretation of 'if you have to try that hard' yourself. I admire the OP for her honesty and believe she is very authentic as she has shared her innermost feelings about this friend with us all for comment.

The fact that you know she's been in an abusive relationship and were actually hoping that her current partner cheated.

Please think about what that says about you and do better.

Nah it'll be fine. Loads of people leave nights out sober and after talking only about their other half.

Agreed.

She was "jam later", OP was "jam today".

This isn’t about her it’s about you.

If you aren’t happy and fulfilled in your life (you don’t sound like you are) then only you can make changes not expect other happy successful people make changes to their life to accommodate your self esteem.

Focus on you. And try to be happy for people. If you pretend to be happy for them you might actually start to feel happy for them and in turn happier for you.

Jealousy is a poison that will eat you alive.

Good luck xx

So you're saying she's 'transformed' herself and got a happier life than when you were mates at school?

How old are you now?

Time to pick apart why you 'feel shit' being around her.

It's obvious to everyone reading that you feel small and a bit of an under achiever compared to her.

What did she do to get this far that you didn't?
Work harder at school?
Go to uni and get a great job?

Only you can answer that.

You only have your boyfriend's account of the night out. If he feels the same as you about her, he may be inventing all of that.

Old school friends sometimes belong in the past.
If you feel like this it's best to move on.
Make you own life happier and stop comparing.

Someone once said that a big white wedding is just the start of a couples life together .At the moment shes enjoying a marriage ,children and so on .As Frankie used to sing "Riding high in April ,shot down in May" No one know what will be in the future.ATM try to be happy for her and look at what is good/bad in your life .Her DH coming home early may be seen as being possessive/unhealthy even.Many young and older wives tend to boast a little as well!

Op you are one nasty jealous woman.
Leave the poor woman alone. You are poison in her life.

A Channel 5 afternoon one.

Jealous, vindictive and unpleasant. Look at what is good in your life and be grateful for it. Look at what's not so good and try and improve it if possible.
There will always be people more attractive, charming, rich, lucky and intelligent that you. There will always be some folk uglier, poorer, in terrible health and not born with the brain of Einstein. So what? You have to accept this and just be the best you can for yourself without resorting to plain spite and nastiness about a friend. You won't have any friends if you carry on like that.
What do you want? Your friends partner to be unfaithful? She loses her job? She gets fat or ill? You really think that's going to make you feel better? Really?

Instead of wallowing in envy, you need to use this to reflect on what you want in life and make a plan to achieve it. Not a replication of what she has. It doesn’t sound like a movie style proposal is your cu of tea, but if it is, be honest with yourself. A few possibles gleaned from your posts:

• to get married
• to have children sooner rather than later
• to own your own house
• to feel pride in your accomplishments (work etc)
• to feel confident in your appearance

Talk about your wish list with your boyfriend. Not in comparison with anyone else, but as things you want to achieve for yourself. Gain a shared understanding and go from there.

How old are you @Sistafromanothermista ?

What is your life missing?

I'm guessing mid-late 20s ?

If you want a house, babies and marriage, how close are you to those?
And if not, why not?

As others have already said, put all this emotional energy into improving your own life. Hoping her husband cheats on her is rather spiteful. Look for ways to lift yourself up rather than pull others down.

I despair of people sometimes.

We've all had grass is greener moments.
We are most vulnerable to it when we have dissatisfactions of our own.
Assuming you don't actually wish to see her suffer a fall and this is about feeling lesser, than I'd use these unpleasant feelings to work on stuff you're not happy about.

I'm going to assume you're not past mid thirties yet. Because the longer you live the more you realise no one has a golden life without challenges and problems.
She's already had her difficulties, and nothing she currently has is unearned so I hope you are just feeling bad about yourself but don't begrudge her, her positives.... If that's not true you aren't a friend.

Her relationship sounds lovely, but it wouldn't make everyone happy, but it does make them happy. Some people would find it a bit suffocating, but if that's where they are at right now then isn't that lovely they have a mutually fierce passion for each other.
I'm sure her appreciation is increased by the contrast with her previous abusive bf.

Try to remember ultimately in life we are all running our own race, comparison is futile and will sour you and the friendship... you can only make the best of what you've got and that's all anyone is able to do. Try to let this go...

Your friend isn't doing anything wrong or unusual.

It seems you've decided to think she's in a minority to make yourself feel better.

Have a look at yourself and work on what's missing that makes you feel this bitter and resentful to someone you call a friend.

@Genevieva 👌 Great post

yeah, this. She doesn't need a 'friend' like you.

And you never know what goes on behind closed doors. Just concentrate on your own life; leave hers alone.

You want it. You’re jealous and you need to sit and think about why you are. She’s not actually done anything that is impossible for anyone else to achieve. If the crux of it is her relationship then see what’s wrong with yours and either fix it or leave it. Try and see her as inspiration rather than a source of envy.

Is she a good friend to you? Is she thoughtful, kind and fun? This is what you should be thinking about. Everyone’s life has downsides, she may just choose not to focus on them with friends.

But then you don't envy her life at all, do you? You think her and her husband are cringe, and you wouldn't want a stupid ott proposal, and someone so obsessed with you that they will leave a night out to be with you? ( tbh both of those things would be my idea of hell, and there is no way I would feel jealous of anyone who had that) unless the issue is with your own relationship. If you want marriage and children, you need to bring it up with your own boyfriend. If he doesn't want to marry you and have kids and you do, the more constructive thing to do is raise it with your own boyfriend, not come online to slag off your perfectly nice ( by your own admission) friend.

she sounds lovely, i’m glad she’s so happy. focus on your own shit, i hope you get happier too :)

Good for you for coming back, many would have fled.

I would suggest from your previous posts that you probably grew up around people who talked like this about others. 'Tall poppy' syndrome goes deep in many families and communities. Perhaps you have picked up subtle (or not so subtle) cues all your life that you need to stay in your place.

Talking about your friend being one person and then another is a giveaway because actually her personality traits seem very consistent, it's just that her life circumstances have improved and she's happy now.

Take this as a cue to stop allowing your life to be shaped by the boxes other people would put you in and value yourself.