To begrudge her perfect little life

[Sistafromanothermista]

I’m struggling to articulate this but I have a friend who I actually really like as a person but can’t help begrudge her life sometimes.

we went to school together and she was a high flying achiever. Type A person who was never in trouble but pushed boundaries if she thought teachers were wrong or there was an injustice etc. She was a workaholic and wanted to focus on her career with no time for boys, alcohol and ‘distractions’ like that.

we lost touch for a few years and got back in touch recently and I feel I don’t know, demoralised maybe, because of how her life has turned out.

when we met up again she told me she’d met someone (I was happy for her because I knew she had been in an abusive relationship for a while) and was happy. She then goes on to show me pictures of his proposal (think movie style every girl’s dream rose petals and swan towels) and says they’ve booked their wedding. Again all good.

she THEN proceeds to tell me shes 16 weeks pregnant and her and her fiancée had bought a house. I without thinking asked how can you afford all this…of course miss workaholic accelerated in her finance role.

since we’ve gotten closer she’s had her wedding and just so happened that her husband has made friends with my friends through a hobby. They all went out recently (as in all the men), including my own boyfriend. They went to a more sleazy part of town and I (and this is so horrible I know) asked specifically about my friends husband to see if he’d been upto anything (a couple of the other men had). Apparently her husband talked about her the whole night, didn’t drink alcohol and went home early because he missed her.

just tonight she text me to tell me she’s expecting another baby and how she would love to meet for lunch. She’s a lovely woman and she has a heart of gold and she should obviously be so proud of herself but for fuck sake I just feel like I can’t catch a break around her sometimes. Aibu?

edited to say: she’s stunning by the way. She was always attractive in school but when I saw her again she looked like a real elegant type of stunning. I’m not bad myself but again I just feel a bit bleugh when I’m with her.

@Holotropic

The ring box could be draped in an elaborate antimacassar which could be whisked off at the key moment for maximum effect, while the bride-to-be for once doesn’t have to feign surprise for Instagram, because she’s genuinely wondering why her bloke has brought something from her great-granny’s armchair up the Eiffel Tower…

LOL.

Upgrade your proposal to the premium Swan Towel package for an extra £450 and they will throw in a bottle of Sainsbury’s Prosecco. Timeless elegance.

You have a you problem. Your friend and her life sounds lovely and you should be gravitating towards that, not berating her for it. Work on what you want and what you want from your relationship. Treating your partner like everyday is your honeymoon is how it should be too btw, it makes for a stronger union.

You have a friend who you know has previously been in an abusive relationship and would have secretly been happy if you found out her current (supportive and kind) partner was up to no good, doing things that would upset her if she found out?

Can you see how fucked up that is?

If your life isn't where you want it to be, thats on you OP.
You sound horribly mean spirited and I hope the other lady has better mates than you seem to be!

The grass always looks greener on the other side,,,,,,,,,

You don't know what goes on behind closed doors and some people can put on a proper act, he might be bad in bed 😂

But, on the other hand she might just have it all, and you my dear are jealous and rightly so. Like you said she has worked hard for what she has, she was focused on what she wanted from a young age and had goals. She also went through an abusive relationship from which she will have mental scars

You're jealous. Jealous of her career. Jealous of her proposal because your boyfriend hasn't proposed. Jealous that they are mad.for eachother and you're settling. Jealous that she's pregnant. And disappointed that he didn't cheat on her.

She has obviously had to make some very brave choices to come back from abuse. Are you disappointed that you can't work hard for a career or be brave and throw away your boyfriend if it's bit what you want? It sounds like you're quite passive whereas she takes charge and drives her life. You can do it too.

I've been your friend. I remember being treated with defensiveness and downright rudeness at times due to simply being happy and very much loved up with my now husband. We have that everyday's-a-honeymoon kind of love as well and nearly 2 decades on we still do. It has no bearing on anyone else's happiness and it isn't really anyone else's business. We have been on the receiving end of so many snide remarks and comments for our apparently perfect life (house, kids, work, love life). But people don't see other parts of our lives that have been bloody hard. We have got through so many big scary life events together that I won't go into on here. Our affection for each other is in part because we know tomorrow is never promised and we make the most of every minute together. Everyone is different and that doesn't mean everyone has to be the same as us. If you're genuinely happy in your life then it doesn't matter what your friend does.

I've stayed in 'posh' locations / hotels and they will set up the petals and swan towels for you. It's nice enough but it's only sqidged up towels and bits of pink stuff.

It was nothing compared to the buzz I got the first time I stayed in a hotel and discovered the biscuits and hot chocolate mix were free.

I should add that like attracts like. Is she your only friend that you're jealous of? If you had loads of friends like that you'd expect the same for yourself. If you have out with a bunch of moaning Minnie's you'll only ever see and talk about and expect negatives. Think closely about where its got you so far and where you want to be.

It sounds like you realise you had the same start in life, but because she focused on her studies rather than booze and boys, leading to a better career trajectory than you, an ability to afford a home, meet (eventually) a good guy and have a lovely wedding and couple of kids, you feel like you've ended in very different places.

You sound dissatisfied with the life trajectory that you are on; do you realise you can change it?

If you need better qualifications to get a better paying job, why don't you do some night classes or open university or similar? Apply yourself to studying now you can see how it changes your life.

If you want to buy a house, what steps have to taken towards saving for that? Are you looking at shared ownership and other schemes that get your foot on the property ladder for example?

Don't just be disappointed with your life, actively try to make it better, if that's what the point of your post is.

There’s something badly wrong with someone who can’t be happy for a friend who has a fantastic marriage, to the point of hoping her bloke would behave badly on a night out without her.

"Her perfect little life" you are no friend OP, friends celebrate friend's successes.

If it's not her, it will be someone else in your life, a sister, colleague, other friends etc.

I've known a couple of women like you. Only happy for others as long as they're seemingly beneath them.

Wanted to be the one with the perfect relationship but would try and match make you with known losers or encourage friends to stay with an abuser.

Jealous of all aspects even someone's home decor.

Jelous of friends with kids, then when she had kids, begrudging single friends for having free time.

In a world full of selfish people, you should be glad to have a friend like her and stop comparing your life or waiting for her to fail.

You need to be a particular sort of person to be friends with someone who you consider to have it all. Happy in your own life, self confident, generous spirited. You don't sound like you have those traits, so this friendship isn't right for either of you. Her life is making you unhappy and in your envy you are turning toxic...hoping for news her fiancé would cheat is pretty bad...Stick to friends that don't bring out the worst in you.

Her one flaw is she doesn’t know how to pick nice friends

I feel sorry for you.

You're jealous.

It's no more complicated than that.

You've not said which one of you picked up the friendship after so many years.
My opinion is you need to distance yourself and stop seeing her.

Focus on whatever isn't working right now in your own life.
If you want a house, do you need to get a better job? Gain more qualifications? Change your boyfriend?

What are your own life goals? If you don't have a house now, why not?
If you want a baby, does your boyfriend?

Stop being jealous and focus on creating the sort of life you want.

This is such good advice. Thanks.

If you can't be happy for your friend when nice things have happened for her, then that suggests you need to look at your own life and how you feel about that, and your own ways of coping and relating to people.

It sounds like your friend has gone through a lot, and that she has also worked hard. You also do not know what she's still dealing with privately, nor do you know what the future might hold for her. Try to be happy for your friend in this moment, when things may be going well for her, and maybe try some counselling to reflect on why your reaction to a friend's happiness is so negative and bitter.

I have a friend like this. She’s amazing. Top job, beautiful house, brains, beauty, lovely person, and a gorgeous daughter.

Her fiancé bolted when she was pregnant. Not the first man who let her down. Her success is down to herself. I clap for her!

YABU

She’s successful because she chose her career over partying and boys.

She’s in a good relationship because she was in an abusive one and so now has a high bar and won’t settle for just anyone.

If you want her lifestyle, then you need to work harder and get a better career and raise your standards and find a better partner.

Instead of wanting her to have less good luck (most of which she’s actually worked incredibly hard for), why not let it motivate you to do better for yourself.

Someone told me that I had landed on my feet because I had an ok profession at the time (£30k a year).
What they failed to see was that they were only working PT through choice, had a relationship and an easy life.
Whilst I was a homeless teenage, single parent who had to work, study and raise my child alone. I had no social life because I had no babysitter or money. I would work during the day, parent, do housework etc and then study at night, surviving on barely any sleep.
So I didn’t land on my feet, I worked my ass off for years for a better lifestyle.

If you want a better life, then you need to be the one to make the changes.

Everyone has shit they've gone through in their lives which they don't always share. She's gone through an abusive relationship as you mentioned. Why are you begrudging that she's found happiness after going through that?

She also must have missed out on a lot of fun times whilst concentrating on her career, so didn't have the fun easy lifestyle most have at the beginning of her adulthood.

You should be pleased for her not envious.

Are you maybe realising that you’ve settled in life, because for some people it really is like that? It sounds like this woman has worked hard for the life she has and been through some tough times; it’s not as if she left school and found herself a sugar daddy (although that still wouldn’t give you the right to be a total bitch about her).

Well aren't you a bitch? You've obviously never been as good as her in any way I suppose. Not sure why people on this thread are indulging you?

"Miss Workaholic" can obviously afford it because she's worked hard? And to hope her husband had cheated on her is plain nasty. Says a lot about your partner if he hangs around with people who do that though.

It's a tale as old as time - try hard, work hard, get the rewards. You seem to be channelling all your energy on hoping she falls. You'll never get anywhere with a personality like that.

Your jealousy is never going to make you happy or a nice person. 🤷‍♀️

How would it enhance your life if hers was less good? Your focus is in the wrong place.

Hello. I think the bottom line here is you are feeling jealous. It’s not a nice feeling but most people feel it as some point about something. But the feeling is telling you that you are not happy with something in your own life and the thing to do now is work out what it is and change it. It sounds like you are conflicted as the way you describe your friend’s circumstances is both as if you are envious of them and also seem to undermine/mock them. Of course her life isn’t perfect, no one’s is and I am sure you know that. I’d suggest focusing less on your friend now and working out what you want in your own life. All the best.