To begrudge her perfect little life

[Sistafromanothermista]

I’m struggling to articulate this but I have a friend who I actually really like as a person but can’t help begrudge her life sometimes.

we went to school together and she was a high flying achiever. Type A person who was never in trouble but pushed boundaries if she thought teachers were wrong or there was an injustice etc. She was a workaholic and wanted to focus on her career with no time for boys, alcohol and ‘distractions’ like that.

we lost touch for a few years and got back in touch recently and I feel I don’t know, demoralised maybe, because of how her life has turned out.

when we met up again she told me she’d met someone (I was happy for her because I knew she had been in an abusive relationship for a while) and was happy. She then goes on to show me pictures of his proposal (think movie style every girl’s dream rose petals and swan towels) and says they’ve booked their wedding. Again all good.

she THEN proceeds to tell me shes 16 weeks pregnant and her and her fiancée had bought a house. I without thinking asked how can you afford all this…of course miss workaholic accelerated in her finance role.

since we’ve gotten closer she’s had her wedding and just so happened that her husband has made friends with my friends through a hobby. They all went out recently (as in all the men), including my own boyfriend. They went to a more sleazy part of town and I (and this is so horrible I know) asked specifically about my friends husband to see if he’d been upto anything (a couple of the other men had). Apparently her husband talked about her the whole night, didn’t drink alcohol and went home early because he missed her.

just tonight she text me to tell me she’s expecting another baby and how she would love to meet for lunch. She’s a lovely woman and she has a heart of gold and she should obviously be so proud of herself but for fuck sake I just feel like I can’t catch a break around her sometimes. Aibu?

edited to say: she’s stunning by the way. She was always attractive in school but when I saw her again she looked like a real elegant type of stunning. I’m not bad myself but again I just feel a bit bleugh when I’m with her.

It’s not a side issue at all it’s central to the narrative.

And let’s be honest, “swan towels” are naff as fuck. If someone has had these presented as part of a proposal it means their intended had just bought a corporate “romantic weekend for two” package off the internet because he lacks the imagination to do anything more creative.

Yeah this. The OP has gone out of her way to find out whether the bloke went to a strip club and seems disappointed that he didn’t. Like it would have been a good thing if he had. 😯

What? Hashtag Be Kind?

We should try and understand why someone sneers at a supposed friend who’s finally happy, tried to dig up dirt on the fiancé and bitching about it openly on mumsnet?

fuck that.

some pile ons are well placed, quite simple “don’t be a dick!” Go do the work on yourself to work out why you’re so triggered by another person’s happiness. The rest of us don’t need to sit around in a circle supporting people who are so bitter.

Well said, plus how the fck are we supposed to know why the OP is raging with jealousy?

Thats something she needs to figure out in therapy. Plus, she did NOT ask for reasons why she might be jealous, she asked AIBU which is exactly why she's getting the answers she has.

Good grief.

They have come to aibu as they are likely aware they are being unreasonable and it's a flawed way of being. If someone comes to you, expresses concern that they have some toxic traits, and are on the brink of coming to that realisation, do you scream at them that they are a disgusting person, or say yes, jealousy and resentment aren't good traits, what are you going to do to sort it?

I'm sorry but all the ones getting into a frenzy to pile onto someone coming forward about negative personality traits they aren't proud of, are really not coming of as superior people, quite the opposite actually.

You don't need to know, quite simply telling someone, yes it's an unreasonable way to think, and you should address why you feel that way is a suitable enough answer.

Lots of people have said that in this thread- loads of people, but the OP hasn't acknowledged any of those posts.

I think many of us have been on the receiving end of nasty behaviour from jealous "friends" which may be why some people are so annoyed by it....

Being on the other side of it isnt very pleasant either, you know.

Perhaps, they might be after reassurance others have acted in a simular way, I don't know. But they've asked the question aibu which people can quite simply say yes you are being unreasonable and suggest they address why they feel that way, without the need to tear someone to shreds, I'd perhaps feel differently if someone was caught out, as opposed to coming forward themselves.

I'm sorry but all the ones getting into a frenzy to pile onto someone coming forward about negative personality traits they aren't proud of, are really not coming of as superior people, quite the opposite actually

Disagree. It is the OP who has spent many posts sneering at this woman (who lets not forget was in an abusive relationship), calling her "miss workaholic", sneering at her relationship, calling her nauseating, hoping she'd catch her husband cheating on her so presumably she could gloat and ruin her relationship,- a friend who she says has a "heart of gold".

This isnt just a negative personality trait, OP is coming across as genuinely nasty and actually rather cruel.

I won't be referring to the comments that say that, I've only read to about page 4, and saw some overly harsh comments.

I have been on the other end, a friend tried to sabotage a relationship and talk me out of a good job opportunity, we came through it eventually as my friend had admitted they made bad decisions when going through a very difficult time and that they truly hated themselves at the time. They've more than made up for it and I know that's not them anymore, I've also said / done some things in the past I regret fuelled by jealousy, anger, and that's so far removed from how i act now. I, and my friend came to realisations as we grew, we learned from mistakes, confided in others, made our ammends. Having someone tell me I'm a shitty person (which i wasn't, I'm talking very minor regrets) wouldn't have helped me improve as a person. If someone can't grow, then yes, cut them off, whatever, fine. But the op coming forward with a list of toxic behaviours clearly shows some acknowledgement something isn't quite right, which is usually a step towards making a positive change.

I'm not, I don't care if I'm ignored, people can say what they like, but i can also say that by piling on calling someone an awful person, they don't come accross morally superior. Just makes people come across more mean spirated than insightful. It's just odd having people rush to insult someone while coming off no better themselves.

^This

I think your remarks are slightly made in jest OP. Some people do lead charmed lives don’t try and seemingly get all the luck - sounds like your friend has been through the mill too though.

Imagine how she would feel if she knew all this, 😔 is she a good friend with a good heart?

Im honestly not sure not being arsed to read the thread then having a go at everyone is really coming off like you intend. I’d see this as a growth opportunity?

I would say that someone who saw a friend go through an abusive relationship, and then finally found love with someone who genuinely loved and cared for her and was anything but happy for her IS a shitty friend.

Perhaps OP would prefer she went back to her abusive ex so she can feel better about herself eh?

Also LOL at irony of you calling others superior when you are literally lecturing people about how they ought to be responding on a public forum

Not a lecture, just responding to comments, do you understand how forums work?

I said my bit, that her behaviours aren't good, but the focus should be on changing them.

Others disagreed, saying they are entitled to pile on, because it's a forum.

I responded saying ok, but you don't come across superior by piling on.

Pretty simple, I don't know why you have interpreted a back and forth discourse as a lecture

I'm sorry but all the ones getting into a frenzy to pile onto someone coming forward about negative personality traits they aren't proud of, are really not coming of as superior people, quite the opposite actually

I can’t speak for others but when someone starts a thread to lay into a supposedly close friend because of envy I couldn’t care less about being “superior”.

This post id a grotesquely self indulgent piece of misguided spite. The OP is resentful because her friend worked harder, achieved more than she did and now had a loving fiancé. She clearly thought others would join her in an orgy of spite and envy and she misjudged it.

I’m sure she has her reasons but part of being an adult is knowing yourself enough to know when to accept your own shortcomings and not deflect onto other people. I don’t wish the OP harm but she needs to be made aware how self destructive and unpleasant her behaviour is.

Does anyone have time to read 22 pages, I read the op, and a few pages. It was enough to see a trend. I would have gained 0 extra insight from reading additional pages.

My opinion isn't that offensive. Op is flawed, that's admitted, jumping on a hate train and rushing to tell someone how awful they are doesn't make the person making those comments come accross much better. It's not having a go, it's stating an opinion