To begrudge her perfect little life

[Sistafromanothermista]

I’m struggling to articulate this but I have a friend who I actually really like as a person but can’t help begrudge her life sometimes.

we went to school together and she was a high flying achiever. Type A person who was never in trouble but pushed boundaries if she thought teachers were wrong or there was an injustice etc. She was a workaholic and wanted to focus on her career with no time for boys, alcohol and ‘distractions’ like that.

we lost touch for a few years and got back in touch recently and I feel I don’t know, demoralised maybe, because of how her life has turned out.

when we met up again she told me she’d met someone (I was happy for her because I knew she had been in an abusive relationship for a while) and was happy. She then goes on to show me pictures of his proposal (think movie style every girl’s dream rose petals and swan towels) and says they’ve booked their wedding. Again all good.

she THEN proceeds to tell me shes 16 weeks pregnant and her and her fiancée had bought a house. I without thinking asked how can you afford all this…of course miss workaholic accelerated in her finance role.

since we’ve gotten closer she’s had her wedding and just so happened that her husband has made friends with my friends through a hobby. They all went out recently (as in all the men), including my own boyfriend. They went to a more sleazy part of town and I (and this is so horrible I know) asked specifically about my friends husband to see if he’d been upto anything (a couple of the other men had). Apparently her husband talked about her the whole night, didn’t drink alcohol and went home early because he missed her.

just tonight she text me to tell me she’s expecting another baby and how she would love to meet for lunch. She’s a lovely woman and she has a heart of gold and she should obviously be so proud of herself but for fuck sake I just feel like I can’t catch a break around her sometimes. Aibu?

edited to say: she’s stunning by the way. She was always attractive in school but when I saw her again she looked like a real elegant type of stunning. I’m not bad myself but again I just feel a bit bleugh when I’m with her.

Re your last point about her husband leaving the night out, I wouldn't do that either and it would annoy me if friends bailed for that reason.

I wonder if he felt uncomfortable about where they were or the behaviour and didn't want to be part of it. My husband wouldn't hang out with people cheating or going to strip clubs or whatever.

It may not have even happened. He probably just left earlier than the others, and op’s little gossip of a dh put his own mean spin on it.
They seem to be well matched.

Completely this. I have no clue if anyone else thinks I've a great life.

But I'm alive, fairly healthy, am loved and love, have a stable housing situation, live in a peaceful country and feel that I've meaning in my life in terms of a creative outlet, a dedication to learning and being able to feel that I can contribute. I had an unhappy childhood and I am so grateful that I've been able to overcome patterns of violence and abuse and not replicate them. I haven't always been strategic or smart career-wise but I've ploughed my own furrow and thankfully fell in love with a kind and supportive partner who I've made a life with.

Swans, rose petals, cruises, mansions - who cares really? They're just stuff. It would be nice to have less of the mundane hassles of life to deal with, to have a bigger house, maybe not have to think too much about budgeting for holidays, but tbh if the fundamentals are pretty sound I do think everyone should count their blessings when they can.

I find it concerning that you were digging for information on the fiancé in the hope he was a dickhead. You aren’t her friend.

Also what’s stopping you from working harder?

Or maybe he left because he didnt like being in a lap dancing club. Not all men do actually like participating in the exploitation of women in this way.

Work on yourself. If you are unhappy with your lot in life, work out what you want to be different and then make steps towards changing. Retrain, travel, reconnect with your partner or start afresh. Whatever she has going on in her relationships, family life, career, marriage etc won't change a jot in your life.

I think it would be good for you to think about the wins and good things in your own life.
Family, home, holiday? positive experiences
Enjoy your successes
do not fixate on someone else - you have no idea about what is really in their life

With friends like you…

OMG how dare someone work hard and actually do well out of it 🙄 This anti-intellectualism and anti-meritocratic attitude is precisely what made me leave Britain all those years ago.

I think her life sounds quite normal. She is obviously fortunate to have met someone that she’s really compatible with and found that kind of lovely love. Not everyone finds that when they're young. Sounds like she’s made sensible decisions from a young age, maybe it’s more that you find irritating rather than actual jealousy?

That's insensitive. At no point does the OP say she has children of her own - that's not so easiliy achievable for everyone you know

I've no idea if the OP has children or not by the way

I hope she reads this and ditches you. You’re not a friend.

You're not her friend. I thin you need to back away. Keep it polite when you see her, but don't foster a fake/false friendship with her. It isn't fair to her.

What’s insensitive? I literally asked, I didn’t assume anything.
You’re the one doing that.

Why would you question it? Some people have more than their fair share of losses too. Wins aren't there to be shared fairly amongst us, they are available to be earned, which this woman's friend has clearly done with hard graft. Wins are available for the OP too she just has to work for them. And taking any from her friend wouldn't increase the OPs share, she would still be dissatisfied with her lot.

Not read the thread yet.
Unless there’s a massive drip feed you are basically jealous of your friend because she has a loyal partner, children and owns a house. That’s a good set up to be sure but it’s not unusual either. Were you secretly thinking she’d end up a mad cat lady or something? Or stuck in another abusive relationship.
Where is all this coming from?

She has done nothing but show support for you OP. This thread makes me sad and your friend deserves better. You are not unreasonable to feel those feelings but it is your problem not hers. Is she supposed to make herself smaller for you?

But OP's problem is not jealousy (fairly common and, when well directed, can be a motor for change), but envy: she wished her husband cheated on her so she(OP) could feel better about herself. That's a step further than the typical "arrg, she seems to have lost weight! I'm going to try to as well". And potentially very destructive.
Envy has nothing to do with objective reality, but with the inner world of the one who suffers from it.

You never know what goes on behind closed doors.

You don't have to personally experience it.

Do you see it on tv shows then.

on So many reality tv shows, the prettiest girl gets bullied.

Do you remember I'm a celebrity get me out of here, when the women were all bullying the model in there.

Yeah i did miss that part to be fair.

Still think the pile on is unfair. If someone is struggling this much with jealously they should be supported in finding out what is triggering this and how to better it, rather than laying into her about being a shitty person

I've assumed nothing - I even said I didn't know if OP had children or not.

The way you asked the question appeared to imply that OP could achieve all the things her friend had if she only put her mind to it. If that wasn't the way it was intended then I apologise. However that's the way I interpreted it.

Yes, I see how it could be taken that way.