Page 20 | To begrudge her perfect little life

Sistafromanothermista · 2024-10-17T23:25:25+00:00

I’m struggling to articulate this but I have a friend who I actually really like as a person but can’t help begrudge her life sometimes. we went to school together and she was a high flying achiever. Type A person who was never in trouble but pushed boundaries if she thought teachers were wrong or there was an injustice etc. She was a workaholic and wanted to focus on her career with no time for boys, alcohol and ‘distractions’ like that. we lost touch for a few years and got back in touch recently and I feel I don’t know, demoralised maybe, because of how her life has turned out. when we met up again she told me she’d met someone (I was happy for her because I knew she had been in an abusive relationship for a while) and was happy. She then goes on to show me pictures of his proposal (think movie style every girl’s dream rose petals and swan towels) and says they’ve booked their wedding. Again all good. she THEN proceeds to tell me shes 16 weeks pregnant and her and her fiancée had bought a house. I without thinking asked how can you afford all this…of course miss workaholic accelerated in her finance role. since we’ve gotten closer she’s had her wedding and just so happened that her husband has made friends with my friends through a hobby. They all went out recently (as in all the men), including my own boyfriend. They went to a more sleazy part of town and I (and this is so horrible I know) asked specifically about my friends husband to see if he’d been upto anything (a couple of the other men had). Apparently her husband talked about her the whole night, didn’t drink alcohol and went home early because he missed her. just tonight she text me to tell me she’s expecting another baby and how she would love to meet for lunch. She’s a lovely woman and she has a heart of gold and she should obviously be so proud of herself but for fuck sake I just feel like I can’t catch a break around her sometimes. Aibu? edited to say: she’s stunning by the way. She was always attractive in school but when I saw her again she looked like a real elegant type of stunning. I’m not bad myself but again I just feel a bit bleugh when I’m with her.

ObtuseMoose · 18/10/2024 12:06

think movie style every girl’s dream rose petals and swan towels
Have I been womaning wrong all these years because I've never, not once dreamed of rose petals and swan towels?

ParliamentofBadgers · 18/10/2024 12:07

It’s a side issue but swan towels are good, but quite dated. Like prawn cocktail or Black Forest gateau.

Applemayjune · 18/10/2024 12:08

MyFairMintCat · 18/10/2024 11:49

Because pretty privilege?
You know, I think it's human to be jealous. I've got some friends whom I envy although my life is pretty great.
But it's just the occasional twinge, not an obsession like the OP.

OP it's simple you feel what you want to feel. But friends should make you feel good about yourself. If you're obsessing to this degree do the woman a favour and remove yourself from her life. She doesn't deserve this. And neither do you.

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I don't really feel jealous of people, because I know that everyone goes through struggle.

One example, I have a friend who is very well off and lives in practically a mansion and has a nice husband .

I also know that she had a terribly sad early life. And that both of her parents died before she was 12. One parent died by medical negligence and she got compensation.

Shes materially rich. But she went her whole life without a mother and I know she struggled from it

twilightermummy · 18/10/2024 12:09

Everybody experiences the ups and downs of life. In ten years, her "perfect little life" might have dissipated. I hope it hasn't for her sake, but nothing is permanent.

I can't really see what she's done wrong here. She has a happy family life, so what? You haven't implied she's a horrible person so doesn't deserve it, in fact it sounds the opposite - like she deserves some happiness. I'm surprised you asked her how she was affording a baby and a wedding 🤦 That's not normal!

People are right. You need to focus on your own life and happiness. I know sometimes that can be difficult. If you can't contain your jealousy, you need to distance yourself from her.

Crushed23 · 18/10/2024 12:14

ObtuseMoose · 18/10/2024 12:06

think movie style every girl’s dream rose petals and swan towels
Have I been womaning wrong all these years because I've never, not once dreamed of rose petals and swan towels?

Me neither.

Mind you, I've never dreamt of being proposed to either (and indeed have never been, in my 35 years), so I'm definitely womaning wrong.

CornishCreamTeas · 18/10/2024 12:15

I don't know what a swan towel is though can imagine.

I've clearly missed out.

MyFairMintCat · 18/10/2024 12:15

Applemayjune · 18/10/2024 12:08

I don't really feel jealous of people, because I know that everyone goes through struggle.

One example, I have a friend who is very well off and lives in practically a mansion and has a nice husband .

I also know that she had a terribly sad early life. And that both of her parents died before she was 12. One parent died by medical negligence and she got compensation.

Shes materially rich. But she went her whole life without a mother and I know she struggled from it

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That's not true. I know quite a few people who have just had a smooth sailing life. Of course, they have to work hard etc like everyone else. But they don't have a tragic backstory like your friend. They were just born into financially comfortable families, did what was expected, married someone similar and reaped the rewards.

You are still somewhat jealous if you have to 'justify' it. 'Oh, X has a perfect life but well this happened'.

Jealously, for me is seeing what someone else has and wishing I had it too. That's all. I dont wish them harm and I also don't need any 'bad' things to make up for it.Also, successful, prettier, richer whatever friends come in useful.

MyFairMintCat · 18/10/2024 12:17

Also @Applemayjune really good friends are hard to find .. don't have time to be jealous of them really.
I'm neurodiverse and click with very few people so I want to keep them!

Crushed23 · 18/10/2024 12:19

@MyFairMintCat That's not true. I know quite a few people who have just had a smooth sailing life. Of course, they have to work hard etc like everyone else. But they don't have a tragic backstory like your friend. They were just born into financially comfortable families, did what was expected, married someone similar and reaped the rewards.

Same. I know plenty of people where there is no 'catch' to their relatively idyllic lives. I am close enough to them to know that their life is and always has been smooth sailing, they have every privilege under the sun, and they live an instagram-worthy life without - in almost all cases - showcasing any of it on instagram. Some people just have great lives.

Applemayjune · 18/10/2024 12:20

MyFairMintCat · 18/10/2024 12:15

That's not true. I know quite a few people who have just had a smooth sailing life. Of course, they have to work hard etc like everyone else. But they don't have a tragic backstory like your friend. They were just born into financially comfortable families, did what was expected, married someone similar and reaped the rewards.

You are still somewhat jealous if you have to 'justify' it. 'Oh, X has a perfect life but well this happened'.

Jealously, for me is seeing what someone else has and wishing I had it too. That's all. I dont wish them harm and I also don't need any 'bad' things to make up for it.Also, successful, prettier, richer whatever friends come in useful.

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Im not jealous at all. My point is that im not jealous of anyone, as every single person suffers in this life.

to be human is hard.

Youve talked about people who smooth sailed through life . But you just talked about material things and money in relation to them .

What about the rest of their lives.

How could you possibly know every single thing about their lives?

Applemayjune · 18/10/2024 12:22

Crushed23 · 18/10/2024 12:19

@MyFairMintCat That's not true. I know quite a few people who have just had a smooth sailing life. Of course, they have to work hard etc like everyone else. But they don't have a tragic backstory like your friend. They were just born into financially comfortable families, did what was expected, married someone similar and reaped the rewards.

Same. I know plenty of people where there is no 'catch' to their relatively idyllic lives. I am close enough to them to know that their life is and always has been smooth sailing, they have every privilege under the sun, and they live an instagram-worthy life without - in almost all cases - showcasing any of it on instagram. Some people just have great lives.

Do you think it's just money that makes a great life then?

Because I think there are a lot of other factors.

For example I know a woman, who looked like she had a quite nice life. She was born into a very wealthy family.

One night she told me that her dad had badly sexually abused her as a child and she had never recovered from it.

Money isn't everything. It's one part of a nice life. But you could have been brought up in a wealthy family, with abusive parents

BunnyLake · 18/10/2024 12:22

ObtuseMoose · 18/10/2024 12:06

think movie style every girl’s dream rose petals and swan towels
Have I been womaning wrong all these years because I've never, not once dreamed of rose petals and swan towels?

The kids loved the swan towels when we were on a cruise once so not a romantic setting. A hotel once put rose petals on our bed and it was so bloody annoying!

SerenityNowSerenityNow · 18/10/2024 12:23

Why can't you just be happy for your friend and proud of her achievements?

I also can't get past the fact you were almost hoping he'd cheated on her on a night out!! That's is just awful of you.

Lordofthechai · 18/10/2024 12:24

I think the fact you’re willing to admit these feelings to yourself is a good sign. You’re self examining and reflecting. I wonder if finding a safe outlet to consider what you would like in your next 10 years from life might be a more constructive space to explore these feelings. Perhaps with a counsellor or coach. Society is quick to throw “shame! Shame!” on anyone who admits to jealousy but it’s a hugely common emotion. It’s only destructive if you allow it to be.

BunnyLake · 18/10/2024 12:25

The married people I know who have a good life have all, not uncoincidentally, chosen their life partner very carefully.

Applemayjune · 18/10/2024 12:26

Crushed23 · 18/10/2024 12:19

@MyFairMintCat That's not true. I know quite a few people who have just had a smooth sailing life. Of course, they have to work hard etc like everyone else. But they don't have a tragic backstory like your friend. They were just born into financially comfortable families, did what was expected, married someone similar and reaped the rewards.

Same. I know plenty of people where there is no 'catch' to their relatively idyllic lives. I am close enough to them to know that their life is and always has been smooth sailing, they have every privilege under the sun, and they live an instagram-worthy life without - in almost all cases - showcasing any of it on instagram. Some people just have great lives.

Even the people who have extremely great lives. With not much catch, (there cant be no catch at all, as every human has problems)

So what. Good luck to them. It's good that they're happy! Would it be better if everyone was living in misery

There will always be people who have more than us in certain areas. Its a world of diversity. We can work on improving our own lives

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 18/10/2024 12:27

Sistafromanothermista · 18/10/2024 07:59

Wow this really blew up. Reading back I have come across really bitchy. I think it’s the fact she was one person when I knew her and now she seems to be able to do it all: loving husband, lovely kid, great career, keeps herself looking well. I don’t begrudge her for being happy it just makes me feel shit being around her sometimes. I do think the husband one is a big one. Like I love my boyfriend and he loves me but I wouldn’t leave a night out because I missed him or vice versa.

It’s normal to find their behaviour a bit cringe if you’re not into all the lovey dovey stuff. But this feels different - you come across as jealous and toxic.

Work on your self esteem and make a plan for what you want to achieve in your life. It sounds like you’re not happy with where you’ve got to. Life is not just about money, marriage and children. There are lots of other types of fulfilment you can seek out.

It’s normal to compare ourselves with our peers but not to be so mean with it. Like trying to seek out an issue with her husband is not very healthy. I agree with a PP that I wish someone could tell her to keep away from you..

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 18/10/2024 12:28

Lordofthechai · 18/10/2024 12:24

I think the fact you’re willing to admit these feelings to yourself is a good sign. You’re self examining and reflecting. I wonder if finding a safe outlet to consider what you would like in your next 10 years from life might be a more constructive space to explore these feelings. Perhaps with a counsellor or coach. Society is quick to throw “shame! Shame!” on anyone who admits to jealousy but it’s a hugely common emotion. It’s only destructive if you allow it to be.

But yes agree with this. Recognise the toxic behaviour / thoughts and try and work on it. Good luck!

Crushed23 · 18/10/2024 12:29

@Applemayjune * Even the people who have extremely great lives. With not much catch, (there cant be no catch at all, as every human has problems)

So what. Good luck to them. It's good that they're happy! Would it be better if everyone was living in misery

There will always be people who have more than us in certain areas. Its a world of diversity. We can work on improving our own lives*

Absolutely good luck to them! I don't begrudge them their perfect lives one bit. I am very happy with my life. 🙂

MyFairMintCat · 18/10/2024 12:29

We're not talking about 'suffering' though. I mean, even the happiest person in the world has had diarrhea at some point. And most people have had at least one romantic breakup.
That's all normal.
But I'm talking about major traumatic events that change the course of your life.
When you know someone well, you certainly know about any of these. I don't need to know 'every single thing' just the big things.

I focused on material wealth because that was your example with you friend. But smooth sailing means having everything. No health issues (mental or physical), no abuse, blah blah you don't need me to list every single one of them so you?

As @Crushed23 said some people have great lives. If you always need a justification you can't claim to be 'never jealous'. But hey, do what works for you to manage your own feelings. I'm just pointing out the logic

A genuine lack of jealousy means not caring. Someone else situation is an objective fact. It is what it is. You don't need find some philosophical suffering to justify them having the good stuff. They just do. That's all.

Applemayjune · 18/10/2024 12:32

MyFairMintCat · 18/10/2024 12:29

We're not talking about 'suffering' though. I mean, even the happiest person in the world has had diarrhea at some point. And most people have had at least one romantic breakup.
That's all normal.
But I'm talking about major traumatic events that change the course of your life.
When you know someone well, you certainly know about any of these. I don't need to know 'every single thing' just the big things.

I focused on material wealth because that was your example with you friend. But smooth sailing means having everything. No health issues (mental or physical), no abuse, blah blah you don't need me to list every single one of them so you?

As @Crushed23 said some people have great lives. If you always need a justification you can't claim to be 'never jealous'. But hey, do what works for you to manage your own feelings. I'm just pointing out the logic

A genuine lack of jealousy means not caring. Someone else situation is an objective fact. It is what it is. You don't need find some philosophical suffering to justify them having the good stuff. They just do. That's all.

You're not making sense.

You said I need a justification not to be jealous.

I said that I'm not jealous of people as most people go through suffering. That is part of being human. I have empathy for everyone.

I also said that I'm not jealous of people with totally perfect lives, who have never suffered either. I said that I'm glad that they're happy.

Yet, you are still calling me jealous.

You're not making sense

guccibag · 18/10/2024 12:35

Crushed23 · 18/10/2024 12:19

@MyFairMintCat That's not true. I know quite a few people who have just had a smooth sailing life. Of course, they have to work hard etc like everyone else. But they don't have a tragic backstory like your friend. They were just born into financially comfortable families, did what was expected, married someone similar and reaped the rewards.

Same. I know plenty of people where there is no 'catch' to their relatively idyllic lives. I am close enough to them to know that their life is and always has been smooth sailing, they have every privilege under the sun, and they live an instagram-worthy life without - in almost all cases - showcasing any of it on instagram. Some people just have great lives.

Equally, you can ALWAYS find someone who has a worse life than you. The fact you even have access to the internet is a privilege many dont have.

Therefore, the argument that some people have it better is a bit pointless- I suspect there are people jealous of our lives in this thread because they have it worse somewhere in the world. Bearing that in mind, isnt it better to show gratitude for what we do have rather than constantly whining about what we dont?

Applemayjune · 18/10/2024 12:38

MyFairMintCat · 18/10/2024 12:29

We're not talking about 'suffering' though. I mean, even the happiest person in the world has had diarrhea at some point. And most people have had at least one romantic breakup.
That's all normal.
But I'm talking about major traumatic events that change the course of your life.
When you know someone well, you certainly know about any of these. I don't need to know 'every single thing' just the big things.

I focused on material wealth because that was your example with you friend. But smooth sailing means having everything. No health issues (mental or physical), no abuse, blah blah you don't need me to list every single one of them so you?

As @Crushed23 said some people have great lives. If you always need a justification you can't claim to be 'never jealous'. But hey, do what works for you to manage your own feelings. I'm just pointing out the logic

A genuine lack of jealousy means not caring. Someone else situation is an objective fact. It is what it is. You don't need find some philosophical suffering to justify them having the good stuff. They just do. That's all.

Right I'm trying to think of someone I know who has a great life, and as far as I know, hasn't had many problems
.

My best friend in primary school was much much richer than me. She had two parents. She was rich. Her dad owned a building company and was a property developer. He owned whole estates of houses.

My dad walked out on my family, didn't pay maintenece and didn't see us. I was poor.

Was I ever jealous of her. No I never was. It was circumstances beyond our control. It wasn't her fault that my dad had walked out.pm my familt

I lived in much worse circumstances than her , and I was never once jealous of her. She was kind to me, and we are friends to this day.

Mumistiredzzzz · 18/10/2024 12:38

mightymam · 18/10/2024 00:30

Urgh, she needs to distance herself from you, the poor woman. You're giving off some really mean girl vibes.

This. You sound bitterly jealous. Her life didn't just turn out like this, she's worked hard for what she has, it doesn't sound like it all landed it her lap.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 18/10/2024 12:38

Sistafromanothermista · 18/10/2024 07:59

Wow this really blew up. Reading back I have come across really bitchy. I think it’s the fact she was one person when I knew her and now she seems to be able to do it all: loving husband, lovely kid, great career, keeps herself looking well. I don’t begrudge her for being happy it just makes me feel shit being around her sometimes. I do think the husband one is a big one. Like I love my boyfriend and he loves me but I wouldn’t leave a night out because I missed him or vice versa.

I would hate if my DH arrived home early from.his night out because he missed me. Maybe she missed him too, fair enough but I would hate that type of co dependant relationship and it's something i would be glad I don't have rather than envy.

I have suffered with jealousy but there is a big difference between feeling shit about yourself when you are with someone and wishing ill on them. I think you are very bad minded OP.