To begrudge her perfect little life

[Sistafromanothermista]

I’m struggling to articulate this but I have a friend who I actually really like as a person but can’t help begrudge her life sometimes.

we went to school together and she was a high flying achiever. Type A person who was never in trouble but pushed boundaries if she thought teachers were wrong or there was an injustice etc. She was a workaholic and wanted to focus on her career with no time for boys, alcohol and ‘distractions’ like that.

we lost touch for a few years and got back in touch recently and I feel I don’t know, demoralised maybe, because of how her life has turned out.

when we met up again she told me she’d met someone (I was happy for her because I knew she had been in an abusive relationship for a while) and was happy. She then goes on to show me pictures of his proposal (think movie style every girl’s dream rose petals and swan towels) and says they’ve booked their wedding. Again all good.

she THEN proceeds to tell me shes 16 weeks pregnant and her and her fiancée had bought a house. I without thinking asked how can you afford all this…of course miss workaholic accelerated in her finance role.

since we’ve gotten closer she’s had her wedding and just so happened that her husband has made friends with my friends through a hobby. They all went out recently (as in all the men), including my own boyfriend. They went to a more sleazy part of town and I (and this is so horrible I know) asked specifically about my friends husband to see if he’d been upto anything (a couple of the other men had). Apparently her husband talked about her the whole night, didn’t drink alcohol and went home early because he missed her.

just tonight she text me to tell me she’s expecting another baby and how she would love to meet for lunch. She’s a lovely woman and she has a heart of gold and she should obviously be so proud of herself but for fuck sake I just feel like I can’t catch a break around her sometimes. Aibu?

edited to say: she’s stunning by the way. She was always attractive in school but when I saw her again she looked like a real elegant type of stunning. I’m not bad myself but again I just feel a bit bleugh when I’m with her.

As an aside & poss a warning to others out there, be careful about men who orchestrate ostentatious OTT proposals, especially if they ask you in a public place. They’re not always as they seem.

İ dont understand. Lots of people own a house, have children and are in relationships. Why would this bother you so much that someone you care about has those things in her life? Why would it bother you that her DH left a sleazy night early. Surely most healthy people should want to minimise their involvement in sleaze?

OP, describing her life as 'little' is really nasty and yes you do sound really bitchy.

I'm remembering my mum's advice to never underestimate how much people can feel threatened or jealous by success and boy is it true. Every time I've succeed in something, I've received undermining comments and people ready to bitch about me and I've heard it so often about other people's success - predominantly about women who seem successful.

As anyone who has offered good advice has said - own those feelings, try to look to your own life and values and what you're happy about with yourself and your circumstances, what you'd like to change and work on that. If this person is an actual friend who you feel warmly towards then try to be happy for her and admire that she has worked so hard, has come through an abusive relationship and is clearly in a good place now while knowing that life is not plain sailing for anyone. If you don't really feel all that warmly towards her then do both of you a favour and distance yourself.

“the fact she was one person when I knew her and now she seems to be able to do it all”

You write this as if she has changed. Focus and drive as a teen led to success as an adult and she is enjoying the rewards of her labor. That is how life works.

it’s almost like you expected your nerdy little friend to have a lonely little life.

Just don’t understand people like you. I could be the plainest Jane ever with nothing to say for myself but would still love to see everyone else happy, especially friends.
Why do you have to dull someone else’s sparkle in order to feel better about yourself?
Are you saying you’d actually be over the moon if he cheated on her? It’s just weird.

You're being really really awful and bitter OP. You're no friend to her, I hope she finds this thread and realizes soon. Would you be happier if she has some sort of illness or misfortune? She seems happy and settled in her life. You are jealous almost to the point of wishing her ill. You sound like a peevish nasty woman.

So your boyfriend stayed out in the sleazy part of town then?

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nosedive_(Black_Mirror)

NB: plot, it’s scary how this is becoming our reality. You begrudge her ‘higher rating’ than yours but it’s all BS/doesn’t matter. Live your own life well.

This is terrible advice. As is all the advice on this thread that the friend might secretly be miserable.

The way to deal with envy and jealousy is not to secretly hope ill on the person you are jealous of. You won't convince yourself that a happy person is secretly living a terrible life. And hoping misfortune on others will make you bitter, not content.

Just accept that different people live different lives. Her life takes nothing from yours. Work on your own life. If it makes you unhappy to see her, phase her out.

I know someone with a brilliant life. She had a focus I did not, a personality I did not and worked harder than I was prepared to. And now she is reaping the rewards. How can I be jealous of that?

I'd feel the same way OP. I shouldn't, but I would. Happy people annoy me. Eugh.

I don’t get this either! From the title I was expecting her to say this person was a multi millionaire fashion model. Not an ordinary woman who’s come through a rubbish time and worked hard to achieve the success she clearly deserves.

Do you have any other friends OP? and if so, dont they also have jobs, partners, and kids?

Those are quite normal things to have and hardly what I’d call a “perfect” life.

You are aware that you can buy a towel and make it into a swan if you really want to? 🤣

I don’t understand why jealous people want to be around the person they are jealous of.
Surely it would be better if they avoided the person who makes them feel like shit.
The problem with jealousy is that it usually escalates and causes the jealous person to do some really cruel things.

If I know someone is jealous of me , I avoid them like the proverbial plague

Its a dark way to think.

How do you know everything about their lives though?

You could see a woman who looks really happy and friendly. You don't know what's going on in her life.

I used to work with a woman who was beautiful, happy and friendly. The nastier women in the office were jealous of her.

The first woman told me about her home life. Her family had been terrible to her. And she was on her own fending for herself.

I actually think that women being jealous of other women, is a big problem in society.

Everywhere that I've been , school, workplaces, groups etc

I see the prettiest and kindest women - being ruthlessly attacked by nastier and jealous women

It's like the dark attacking the light.

Well more fool you. You’re only harming yourself, not them 🤷🏻‍♀️

Seeing how our peers are doing can be motivating and sometimes tricky too. I often scope my life against my friends and fall short. It sounds as if she worked hard in life and sacrificed to get what she wanted, which says good for her! Very sad that she went through an abusive relationship, though. Many of us do, but she's found freedom, thank goodness. I've also learned that not everything in people's lives are roses. I have a beautiful friend, who has two amazing sons who've done well, she also does well in her career and had a loving husband. I know in private, she struggled with her husband because he was an avoidant personality. Then he dropped dead from a heart attack. They were childhood sweethearts. Paint your own life beautiful and also get what you want it's not that hard.

Because pretty privilege?
You know, I think it's human to be jealous. I've got some friends whom I envy although my life is pretty great.
But it's just the occasional twinge, not an obsession like the OP.

OP it's simple you feel what you want to feel. But friends should make you feel good about yourself. If you're obsessing to this degree do the woman a favour and remove yourself from her life. She doesn't deserve this. And neither do you.

I don’t think fairness comes into it. That’s like thinking it’s unfair I’m not Beyonce.

It’s not a zero sum game. I find that people who have the attitude you describe tend to be people who don’t like their own lives very much. I maintain that their time would be better spent improving their situation than questioning the good fortune of others.

Yes, when I was single and alone I found my sense of jealousy being so much stronger than when I'm also fulfilled.

It's a signal that you need to change. Not the itejr person.

OP to needs recognise her personality and traits need to change.

I thought the same. The school bullies never seem to grow out of it and get even worse (within the parameters of what's acceptable as an adult) when they find out that the kids they bullied at school grew up to be more successful than them.

That's not what it proves at all..

People do all kinds of stuff to pass the time, I’m afraid I’m with @Sooverwork the OP seems like made up rubbish to try and stir people up.

Jealousy often leads to abuse though.

If you look at many reality tv programmes, where women love together, the prettiest girl often gets severely bullied , from jealousy