To begrudge her perfect little life

[Sistafromanothermista]

I’m struggling to articulate this but I have a friend who I actually really like as a person but can’t help begrudge her life sometimes.

we went to school together and she was a high flying achiever. Type A person who was never in trouble but pushed boundaries if she thought teachers were wrong or there was an injustice etc. She was a workaholic and wanted to focus on her career with no time for boys, alcohol and ‘distractions’ like that.

we lost touch for a few years and got back in touch recently and I feel I don’t know, demoralised maybe, because of how her life has turned out.

when we met up again she told me she’d met someone (I was happy for her because I knew she had been in an abusive relationship for a while) and was happy. She then goes on to show me pictures of his proposal (think movie style every girl’s dream rose petals and swan towels) and says they’ve booked their wedding. Again all good.

she THEN proceeds to tell me shes 16 weeks pregnant and her and her fiancée had bought a house. I without thinking asked how can you afford all this…of course miss workaholic accelerated in her finance role.

since we’ve gotten closer she’s had her wedding and just so happened that her husband has made friends with my friends through a hobby. They all went out recently (as in all the men), including my own boyfriend. They went to a more sleazy part of town and I (and this is so horrible I know) asked specifically about my friends husband to see if he’d been upto anything (a couple of the other men had). Apparently her husband talked about her the whole night, didn’t drink alcohol and went home early because he missed her.

just tonight she text me to tell me she’s expecting another baby and how she would love to meet for lunch. She’s a lovely woman and she has a heart of gold and she should obviously be so proud of herself but for fuck sake I just feel like I can’t catch a break around her sometimes. Aibu?

edited to say: she’s stunning by the way. She was always attractive in school but when I saw her again she looked like a real elegant type of stunning. I’m not bad myself but again I just feel a bit bleugh when I’m with her.

Envy is a natural and normal emotion, but difficult to deal with. Just remember, you have no idea what life has in store for her down the line. In the end, you might turn out to be the one with the blessed life.

Usually when we are jealous of someone, it’s because they have something we want. You have to work out what that is and work your way to get it.

YABVU. When you begrudge anyone anything it just impacts your own life. Move on or enjoy her friendship.

Also, everyone goes through shit. No matter what their life looks like on the outside.

I really dislike jealous people.

I actually have one aunty like this. If anything good happens to me, she gets jealous and attacks me, because she has a bad life herself.

Is important to stay away from jealous people.

You sound lovely, just the sort of friend any nice woman needs.

YABU, by the way.

I find the concept of "fair share" problematic.
Life isn't fair and some people have things easier than others.
If we don't accept that and keep expecting things to be fair we just make ourselves miserable.
All we can do is make the best of our own circumstances and treat people as fairly as possible ourselves.

And you know @Sistafromanothermista I'd love to know how hard you worked in school, university, graduate trainee programme, and in your job?

The woman who thinks you're her friend (you are not) sounds like she's sacrificed & worked very hard. What have you done?

Exactly,I hate when people are jealous of me, when a lot of them don't know what I've been through.

Someone glared at me and said to me the other day angrily "oh are you going on your second holiday to Spain this year? Its Well for some we cant afford to get out of the UK this year with the cost of living"

I said to them 'Yes I am. Because I'm cheering myself up, because one of my parents killed themselves by suicide 6 months ago, and I'm dealing with shock and grief"

The people saying jealousy is fine and its only bad if you act on it- I can guarantee you that if envy (which yes, its true that everyone feels from time to time) has turned into jealousy and bitterness that your friend WILL be aware of it.

It oozes out in comments, body language, the way you behave, the fact you dont act pleased when something good happens to that person etc

It's disingenuous to suggest otherwise and it's incredibly unpleasant for the other person because it's hardly their fault.

Maybe you should and then you'd be as happy as her, with all the rings that go with it!

Why do you begrudge her a life you seem to judge as ridiculous? Omg as IF I'd ever want an ott proposal and a husband who adores me, bleurgh, how day I only have a boyfriend who likes me!!

I take it your bf didn't come home early cos he missed you?

🤣🤣 yeah I think I definitely have the latter

But that is only your view and is all relative. I thought you were going to say he'd hired a helicopter ( or even owns one😆) and he had landed on the top of the fully lit ( with their names) Eiffel Tower.😂

Others would see swan towels and rose petals as nothing special. I picture a dated hotel room and have no envy at all.

You are upsetting yourself when there is no need ( said in the nicest possible way)

@moddinner you said

"Dont justify
No reason is needed to go on as many holidays as you like
By giving an explanation, you’re almost saying that you have a valid reason for going on a second holiday
You don’t need a “reason”!"

It was just the person's nasty dig at me, at a time when I was grieving, that made me want to say it to her

She was wrong. And she did look ashamed.

I actually know another woman who had a similar incident to me.

She is older than me and she recently lost her grandson to a serious illness.

She was going on holiday and someone said to her nastily "are you off on holiday Melissa, it's well for you to be lying in the sun doing nothing, and i have to work hard all next week, I won't even get a weekend away this year" blah blah

And Melissa turned to her and said "my grandchild has just died from cancer. That is why I'm going on holiday. To recover".

The woman was ashamed. And didn't say anything to Melissa again

I guess this post is just proof that some “friends” really are jealous, and don’t want to see you do well for yourself.

She needs to run a mile from you.

@Applemayjune I am so sorry for your loss.

This is exactly why superficial assumptions about someone "having it all" are so stupid and ignorant.

You sound deeply unpleasant. I'd tell her that her husband was great on the night out. But if you can't be nice then distance yourself.

I think absolute kudos to the OP for recognising the feelings of jealousy. I think a whole lot of us have been jealous of someone else at some point, it's an ugly uncomfortable feeling.

OP - you sound a bit unhappy and this of more about you than her, of course you know that. Is there someone you can speak to?

Well, not everything is roses round the door in your friend's life, @Sistafromanothermista. Unbeknownst to her, she has a frenemy who's pea-green with envy at her and her "perfect little life".

This is your problem. I suggest you stop drinking and get some therapy.

And posts about it on a public forum.

OP, you're never going to be happy with this degree of attitude towards someone.

I do think the husband one is a big one. Like I love my boyfriend and he loves me but I wouldn’t leave a night out because I missed him or vice versa.

Maybe your relationship is not right for you. If you're not particularly enjoying a night out, which sounds like he wasn't because they went sleazy which obviously wasn't his vibe, why wouldn't you go home to the person you love most in the world? You're picking at him terribly – trying to catch him out? Being derogatory towards their very loved up behaviour?

Look, OP – most people covet the things they want in life and I understand it might particularly sting when you have someone in your life experiencing those things on the daily when you can't seem to achieve them. But this is all a little excessive.

You sound very jealous and bitter, OP. The problem is you. I hope the person you are writing about gets you out of her life.