To begrudge her perfect little life

[Sistafromanothermista]

I’m struggling to articulate this but I have a friend who I actually really like as a person but can’t help begrudge her life sometimes.

we went to school together and she was a high flying achiever. Type A person who was never in trouble but pushed boundaries if she thought teachers were wrong or there was an injustice etc. She was a workaholic and wanted to focus on her career with no time for boys, alcohol and ‘distractions’ like that.

we lost touch for a few years and got back in touch recently and I feel I don’t know, demoralised maybe, because of how her life has turned out.

when we met up again she told me she’d met someone (I was happy for her because I knew she had been in an abusive relationship for a while) and was happy. She then goes on to show me pictures of his proposal (think movie style every girl’s dream rose petals and swan towels) and says they’ve booked their wedding. Again all good.

she THEN proceeds to tell me shes 16 weeks pregnant and her and her fiancée had bought a house. I without thinking asked how can you afford all this…of course miss workaholic accelerated in her finance role.

since we’ve gotten closer she’s had her wedding and just so happened that her husband has made friends with my friends through a hobby. They all went out recently (as in all the men), including my own boyfriend. They went to a more sleazy part of town and I (and this is so horrible I know) asked specifically about my friends husband to see if he’d been upto anything (a couple of the other men had). Apparently her husband talked about her the whole night, didn’t drink alcohol and went home early because he missed her.

just tonight she text me to tell me she’s expecting another baby and how she would love to meet for lunch. She’s a lovely woman and she has a heart of gold and she should obviously be so proud of herself but for fuck sake I just feel like I can’t catch a break around her sometimes. Aibu?

edited to say: she’s stunning by the way. She was always attractive in school but when I saw her again she looked like a real elegant type of stunning. I’m not bad myself but again I just feel a bit bleugh when I’m with her.

I think your real problem is that your boyfriend is the type of guy who frequents the 'sleazy part of town.' , not that your friend's husband actually likes his fiance.

I don't understand why people act like feeling jealous of someone is a huge moral failure? And that this person shouldn't be a friend anymore. Its only bad if you act on it and let it influence your behaviour

Er, it IS influencing her behaviour- she is trying to spy on this woman's husband on a night out in the hopes he is cheating on her, did you miss that part?

That is incredibly mean and OP is a shit friend

A lot of people on here are obviously perfect and have never felt any of the less desirable emotions that make us human.

OP its okay to feel this way sometimes about people, its no okay to act on it. Take a little step back if its getting a bit much in the short term, even if this is very much a 'you problem'.

Comparison is the thief of joy and we never really know what another persons life is like.

Op
People like you scare me.
Smiling in your ‘friend’s ‘ face but envying her at the same time to the point that you hoped that her partner was up to no good.

Like I love my boyfriend and he loves me but I wouldn’t leave a night out because I missed him or vice versa

He wasn't enjoying the pissed up boys sleazy night out and was glad to have an excuse to leave early. I've done the same on a particularly rubbish hen night.

Jealousy is an ugly emotion. Just concentrate on making your own life what you want it to be. If you see things she's achieved through her own dedication and hard work that you also want, maybe try and learn something from her. It doesn't seem as though her blessed life has landed in her life...far from it, it sounds as though she's grafted for it.

Mmm . Your friend’s partner was uncomfortable and made an excuse to leave early while yours presumably enjoyed it. Maybe you’re not happy with him doing that?

How is her life "nearly too good"?

She's worked hard and developed a career. So have a lot of women. That's great and she's earned it. If you want to change or develop your own career, you can do so - there are lots of opportunities to explore out there.

She's in a relationship with a man who adores her and they're happy together. Many women are also in happy relationships. Rose petals and swan towel sculptures might not be everyone's cup of tea, but if it makes them happy, what's the problem? If you want your own relationship to include those things, discuss it with your husband.

She's pregnant - that's great news. Many other women are also pregnant, have been pregnant or will be pregnant - while a friend's pregnancy can be a sensitive thing in some circumstances, it's not a unique situation for someone to be in and her pregnancy doesn't affect your family in any real way.

She's someone you consider to look physically attractive. Lots of people meet various standards or expectations for physical appearance, and there's no point getting worked up over someone else's face, body or hair. If her physical health/fitness or appearance has prompted you to reflect on things you don't like or want to change about your own body, you have options for making lifestyle changes, getting a new haircut, overhauling your wardrobe, etc.

Her current successes are not unattainable miracles or things taken away from other people and given to her. It just sounds like life looks to be going quite well for her at the moment (although you don't know what's going on in private for her). She hasn't taken anything away from you and she doesn't have a "perfect little life".

If you're unhappy with your life at the moment, change things to make yourself happier. As Chilli says: Run your own race.

Swan towels lol

Um, she doesn't have a 'perfect little life' (SPOILER: nobody does, it's all just gloss and framing if that's what it looks like) she is enjoying the fruits of her labours which it sounds she worked very hard to achieve.

You resent her because despite having some tough times and making sacrifices - like the ‘distractions’ you refer to - she’s come into a period of life going really well for her.
Whilst you give the air of someone who’s probably drifted and settled rather than put much effort into making a nice life.

The fact that you know those men would be up to something sleazy, your disappointment was that her husband spent the night talking about his wife and went home, rather than the fact your boyfriend stayed.

She’s married to a man who loves her - or ‘obsessed’ as you scathingly put it. You have a boyfriend whose friends do sleazy shit on nights out.

Bad things will happen to her as that’s how life is. Newsflash - you might feel better for a moment when you find out, but your life will still be average and unhappy despite that.

I hope she’s actually telling you things on purpose to drive you up the wall. I would!

The thing is the people that feel like this usually do act on it. And they ruin lives.

I had a much better job than my cousin. I was earning more than her. My life was going better than hers at that time.

She went out of her way to destroy me, out of jealousy of me. She made up things that i said. She turned people against me.

She was really nasty to me, then lied and told people I'd been nasty to her.

She succeeded in turning people against me. She wouldn't rest until she had knocked down

She was dripping with jealousy and she ruined a lot of my life.

It’s fine to be jealous (and fair play to vent it anonymously here), but obviously not fair to in any way project or disadvantage your friend with it (not suggesting you will / are, but that’s the clear line for me).

Jealous people nearly always attack the people that they are jealous of.

How would your life improve if hers were worse?

When people have problems with envy or jealousy it's often because they either have low self esteem or are dissatisfied with their life.
Actually wishing someone ill isn't a nice trait.
I would concentrate on identifying what you aren't satisfied with in your own life and improving it.

Maybe you should? What's the harm in it?

Some people seem to have more than their fair share of ‘wins’ though don’t they. It’s human to notice and question that.

People waste time being jealous, when they would be taking the time to improve their own life.

Jealous of someone's career - go back to UNi! Or do a course. Do something.

Jealous of someone else's relationship ? Improve your own relationship!

Are all your other friends single, childless, unemployed, and homeless? Because from everything you’ve said, those are the things she’s got that are too good. How fucking bizarre. Let me guess she has the sheer audacity to drive a car too doesn’t she?

Eh did you miss the part where OP said that her friend used to be in abusive relationship, and she's now in a happy relationship. ?

And the OP is still jealous of her friend , even though the friend is now in a happy relationship, after being in an abusive one

Just be happy for her. Are you her friend or foe?

I bet she eats food too. How entitled.

Her success takes nothing from your life.

You are separate entities. If she was less successful, would it make you MORE successful? No. Of course not.

And would it genuinely make you happy if she had some misfortune and was less happy? If the answer is yes, you need to critically assess your jealousy issues, along with your self-esteem and your outlook on life. Perhaps some counselling on why you randomly feel so competitive with a person that has not even been in your life.

People will pick up on the fact that you are wishing misfortune on others - and they will not want you around. Negativity breeds negativity.

Also - a tip. Try being happy for her - fake it til you make if you have to. Enthusiastically sing her praises and only say positive things, not matter how much that jealousy is twisting inside you - not about just her, about all other woman in your life. You'd be surprised how much that can turn your way of thinking around, and it will also change how other people see you - and maybe you'll start to attract some of that success you're so desperate for.

What is a ‘fair share’ @Blondiney ? If you work hard and make sacrifices to have a career that pays well, should the rewards be capped because those who weren’t arsed will feel bad?

If you come out of an abusive relationship, work on your boundaries and self esteem and find a loving respectful relationship, should you be ashamed of that?

Some ‘wins’ like health, how you look or illness are out of our control. Most of what OP is jealous of are wins she could have had herself but hasn’t.

Fair share is a very subjective concept especially when the measure of fair is judged by people who begrudge every good thing someone else has.

@Blondiney those I know with an unusual amount of ‘wins’ quietly precision plan everything behind the scenes for years, with keen focus. They change anything that doesn’t serve them & re-route at setbacks.