To begrudge her perfect little life

[Sistafromanothermista]

I’m struggling to articulate this but I have a friend who I actually really like as a person but can’t help begrudge her life sometimes.

we went to school together and she was a high flying achiever. Type A person who was never in trouble but pushed boundaries if she thought teachers were wrong or there was an injustice etc. She was a workaholic and wanted to focus on her career with no time for boys, alcohol and ‘distractions’ like that.

we lost touch for a few years and got back in touch recently and I feel I don’t know, demoralised maybe, because of how her life has turned out.

when we met up again she told me she’d met someone (I was happy for her because I knew she had been in an abusive relationship for a while) and was happy. She then goes on to show me pictures of his proposal (think movie style every girl’s dream rose petals and swan towels) and says they’ve booked their wedding. Again all good.

she THEN proceeds to tell me shes 16 weeks pregnant and her and her fiancée had bought a house. I without thinking asked how can you afford all this…of course miss workaholic accelerated in her finance role.

since we’ve gotten closer she’s had her wedding and just so happened that her husband has made friends with my friends through a hobby. They all went out recently (as in all the men), including my own boyfriend. They went to a more sleazy part of town and I (and this is so horrible I know) asked specifically about my friends husband to see if he’d been upto anything (a couple of the other men had). Apparently her husband talked about her the whole night, didn’t drink alcohol and went home early because he missed her.

just tonight she text me to tell me she’s expecting another baby and how she would love to meet for lunch. She’s a lovely woman and she has a heart of gold and she should obviously be so proud of herself but for fuck sake I just feel like I can’t catch a break around her sometimes. Aibu?

edited to say: she’s stunning by the way. She was always attractive in school but when I saw her again she looked like a real elegant type of stunning. I’m not bad myself but again I just feel a bit bleugh when I’m with her.

Maybe he didn't drink alcohol and went home early because if he didn't his life would be a living hell . You only truly know people if you live with them . I would focus on your own life and not bother with this old friend as you would always be comparing her life with your and feeling miserable.

I reckon it does yeah. In my life, I’ve encountered maybe three or four people who I think were genuinely nasty, rotten people. All got their comeuppance one way or other.

Before you bite my head off I’m not saying bad things like accidents, terminal illnesses and tragedy happen because people have done something bad. That would be ridiculous.

But in my opinion, being a good, decent person pays off. Being mean and doing wrong often bites you in the arse.

We can all be jealous of people from time to time and we might think ‘bloody hell, Jenny is off to the Maldives AGAIN’. But I think it’s spiteful to start a thread about a friends ‘perfect little life’ when she just sounds like a normal, happy woman.

I voted YABU because you’re not being a friend! A friend would be happy for her-she’s had some hardships and come through the other side. If she knew you’d posted this she’d feel devastated.
And if you think about it, she doesn’t lead such a charmed life. She was in an abusive relationship (these can leave lifelong emotional scars) and she has a “friend” who is bitter and jealous, but she has no idea. Not so great really is it?

You don’t like that this woman makes you look bad because it highlights the poor choices you’ve made in life.

Being jealous isn’t going to help.

If you’re unhappy with your life, then change it.

I had a friend like this, except she also had her own very successful business she'd started from scratch and was always on holiday. In later years only knew her via Facebook but always looked like she had the perfect life.

Then it came out that she had cancer, a second time, after not telling anyone outside immediate circle about the first, and it was terminal. Left two young boys behind.

After that I realised how ridiculous I had been and it didn't matter how shiny her hair was or how beautiful her holiday shots were.

Go NC for your mental health. You're not obliged to be her friend.

I think you're jealous of the illusion of her life, rather than her life. In reality, we're all suffering. If she has a great relationship with her husband, we'll that's great as it means their children will feel more secure and content. I used to think that people had the perfect life and it irritated me but I realise now that everyone is struggling and we're all in this together.

I would understand it if she'd coasted through life and lucky opportunities had fallen into her lap without any effort.

Instead, you describe a hard-working, kind, motivated person, willing to stand up to do the right thing, who has already been through an abusive relationship, survived, and managed to find a partner more worthy of her.

This sounds like someone finally getting exactly what they deserve.

You are not her friend. You should distance your self and think carefully about why you are so bitter about someone else's happiness.

What are you talking about? You sound deranged. You’ve admitted she was previously in an abusive relationship. She isn’t anymore. She’s found someone who adores her, has babies with said person and is successful in a career it sounds like she’s worked hard for. What is the problem?

You sound incredibly mean spirited and bitter. If I were her I’d run as far away from you as possible. The issue is you. You aren’t happy with your own life.

She sounds like someone I would love to be friends with tbh!

Her life can’t be that perfect with “friends” like you. Hopefully she can find some new ones.

I mean you put "I was happy for her because I knew she had been in an abusive relationship for a while" do you think her surviving abuse has maybe made her appreciate not being abused by her partner anymore?

I'm really sorry OP but her life hasn't been perfect has it, she sounds like a really genuinely nice person that is surrounded by vultures wanting to take pieces off of her, do you really want to be one of them? Maybe you should be happy she's a survivor of abuse and finally thriving.

Your life doesn't exactly sound shit OP. Stop going down this road of jealousy. I really hope you don't slag her off to your partner and complain about how perfect she is. She deserves happiness and seems to want to be your friend too. Xx

I know you’re getting a hard time on here but maybe part of it is how we often bond in female friendships by sharing our struggles or insecurities and ‘having a good moan’ about the difficulties we’re going through and maybe because your not getting anything on that front to dig into with each other from her side you feel a little like it’s all just pleasantries when you meet up or a bit ‘Facebooky everything is wonderful’ it can be hard to connect and bond over ‘everything being wonderful’ it sounds like she’s going through a well deserved up in life at the moment but no one’s life is perfect and no one stays on the up sadly - I wish with all my heart that we all did. I’m just guessing but I think maybe feeling like you can’t get into the nitty gritty of life over a coffee and share you’re own struggles or frustrations in life as you’ll feel stupid considering she appears to have none (everyone has them) might be making you feel like the friendship is a bit fake - even though it’s not and it’s genuinely because she’s going through a good phase in her life. Just a thought.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself Desiderata
Stop focussing on what someone else is doing and improve your own life.
She has worked hard and she's a nice person. Would you like her to fail in some way? It's mean spirited.

I had a friend like you. We are no longer friends. Her envy was bubbling below the surface all the time and sometimes came out as “jokes” or little comments when she’d had a drink. Things like “fancying” my husband even 🙄

Her life choices were her own. It just got wearing.

Well I’ve learned about swan towels from this thread so that’s a plus. I’m in awe at swan towel guy’s patience and not just going “aaargh fuck this” and flinging them across the room.

OP I think if we’re honest most people have felt jealousy of other people’s lives. I know some people envy me having a creative wfh job and being my own boss. But I envy people who have space and spare time and their own garden. And so on. On top of that, anyone’s life can fall apart unexpectedly. IME it is better to see other people as just people like yourself, and be understanding of each other and that everyone will go through ups and downs over time or has their own problems that you might not be aware of. See your friend like that, and think about what you can do about things you’re not happy about, and it gets easier.

But no one is perfect and I think it’s ok to admit to yourself that you feel envy. Then just let it go and don’t let it eat you up or affect your behaviour. She sounds like a nice person. You don’t have to have exactly what she has, to have a friendship.

I don't understand why people act like feeling jealous of someone is a huge moral failure? And that this person shouldn't be a friend anymore. Its only bad if you act on it and let it influence your behaviour.

Jealousy is probably what I class as my biggest character flaw, sometimes before I can be happy for someone (not all circumstances) I have to fight an initial gut punch feeling. I do, however, know this is a me problem and is completely unreasonable, so counsel myself that this person is doing anything wrong by having more luck/fortune than me.

I have a large social group, i am popular and I am an excellent friend who would never do anything to hurt anyone, in fact i often go out my way to help better people's circumstances, despite an initial pang of jealousy when someone looks better than me, has more money or success etc, I still maintain being an excellent friend and would never let my issues impact their joy/experiences.

Experiencing jealousy doesn't make you a bad person. It just means you have something within yourself you need to work on and address why you feel that way.

Anyone chiming in with "she deserves a better friend than you", i can guarantee is equally or even more so flawed in different ways.

You never know someone fully. She might have gone through hell and come out the other side. She is really nice to you and that's all that counts. People are envious of each other - it's normal. But you will lose out if you don't focus on yourself and instead focus on her giving you a break to catch up.

Op I feel bad for your friend, not you.

I've met people like you before, who are jealous of other people's happiness.

That's not a friend. I hope she sees what you're really like.

OP if you don't like hanging out with her then don't.

There's no need for all this envy, it's really unpleasant. Leave her to get on with her life and you get on with yours.

I would say though it's a really unpleasant trait of yours that you can't just be happy for someone. She's obviously worked hard for what she has.

This kind of behaviour is what perpetuates the view that women are bitchy and competitive and mean and why it's so hard for a group of women to be friends. Men never write this shit about eachother.

Women will never have better until they start lifting eachother up instead of tearing eachother down.

If this is real, I hope your friend does not bother with you a moment longer. She sounds lovely and impressive and you sound incredibly immature. And jealousy and envy is a horrible. Please let her go, tell her you are not her friend, so she can go and find friends who actually like her.

First post nails it.

have a word with yourself!

she’s a victim of an abusive relationship, you have no fucking clue what she’s gone through and you begrudge her happiness?

you should honestly be ashamed of yourself @Sistafromanothermista

I hope you friend gets far away from you