To begrudge her perfect little life

[Sistafromanothermista]

I’m struggling to articulate this but I have a friend who I actually really like as a person but can’t help begrudge her life sometimes.

we went to school together and she was a high flying achiever. Type A person who was never in trouble but pushed boundaries if she thought teachers were wrong or there was an injustice etc. She was a workaholic and wanted to focus on her career with no time for boys, alcohol and ‘distractions’ like that.

we lost touch for a few years and got back in touch recently and I feel I don’t know, demoralised maybe, because of how her life has turned out.

when we met up again she told me she’d met someone (I was happy for her because I knew she had been in an abusive relationship for a while) and was happy. She then goes on to show me pictures of his proposal (think movie style every girl’s dream rose petals and swan towels) and says they’ve booked their wedding. Again all good.

she THEN proceeds to tell me shes 16 weeks pregnant and her and her fiancée had bought a house. I without thinking asked how can you afford all this…of course miss workaholic accelerated in her finance role.

since we’ve gotten closer she’s had her wedding and just so happened that her husband has made friends with my friends through a hobby. They all went out recently (as in all the men), including my own boyfriend. They went to a more sleazy part of town and I (and this is so horrible I know) asked specifically about my friends husband to see if he’d been upto anything (a couple of the other men had). Apparently her husband talked about her the whole night, didn’t drink alcohol and went home early because he missed her.

just tonight she text me to tell me she’s expecting another baby and how she would love to meet for lunch. She’s a lovely woman and she has a heart of gold and she should obviously be so proud of herself but for fuck sake I just feel like I can’t catch a break around her sometimes. Aibu?

edited to say: she’s stunning by the way. She was always attractive in school but when I saw her again she looked like a real elegant type of stunning. I’m not bad myself but again I just feel a bit bleugh when I’m with her.

Exactly

Ok, genuine question, how shit is your life that you think hers is soooo perfect it's almost unbelievable? I was expecting you to say she was some sort of billionaire heiress who's never had to lift a finger in her life, but she sounds normal.

She's good looking and takes care of herself physically (the looks are luck but presumably the elegance is something she's cultivated), she has a good job (which she's worked hard for), kids, a nice house, a husband who loves her very much (having escaped abuse which is hardly a walk in the park - also a husband who loves you and doesn't want to fuck about in the "sleazy part of town" like your boyfriend is not unusual either).

None of this is the sort of magical, fairytale level of unattainable you seem to be making it out to be, and almost none of it is stuff you couldn't have done yourself.

So why so envious? What is so terribly lacking in your life that you are this bitter and envious towards this completely normal woman and the nice life she's made for herself?

Good things happen to good people. She’s worked hard, it paid off.

This is just a good old fashioned example of jealousy. It says a lot about you that you wanted your boyfriend to report back ‘Her DH paid for lap dances, took coke and slagged her off’. Some women are dangerously nasty, envious and bitter’.

If it helps, most people I know who have had relationships where they cannot be apart ended up single. The flame burns brightly, but burns out faster because of it.

Personally I would find a man who can’t have a night out with some pals without mooning on about me and coming home early a real turn-off. I expect in return I wouldn’t be able to have any alone time without him rocking up with a swan towel and a packet of rose petals.

She was a workaholic and wanted to focus on her career with no time for boys, alcohol and ‘distractions’ like that.

What is wrong with that? Why is that a bad thing? Sensible, no?

The years of secondary and uni are much shorter than the years of career, marriage and parenthood.

Reads like you’re angry at yourself for the choices you made. I doubt her life is without hardship and reads like you wanted her to fail in some way because she did what you didn’t.

Did you find out your boyfriend had a lapdance OP?

Is that the main issue here?

Hey! It's ok to be envious sometimes but take it as an inspiration rather than something to resent. Do you think it's an indication something is amiss in your relationship with your boyfriend? Don't get me wrong every relationship is different and the couples around me who split up are not at all the ones I would have expected but rather the super PDA ones. But maybe just maybe the jealousy you feel is an indication of something. Only you can know and tell.

it just makes me feel shit being around her sometimes

That is well done x... You've got to the answer yourself... please don't feel crap about yourself. And yes you can still find the excesses in her life amusing without self-doubt being the fuel for that perspective. Can even still be happy for what is good in her life without comparing to your own.

Sorry but you sound so jealous, she has ofcourse had her struggles, just be a good friend and be happy for her xx

This is exactly the sort of bitchy, hate filled, bitter post the OP was looking for I suspect.

I'm sure you've made her feel much better.

Perhaps you two could be friends instead, and spend your friendship hoping things will go horribly wrong for each other 👍

Her wins aren’t your losses and comparison is the thief of joy.

I’ve also had a few stark reminders lately that a lot of the time, you get merely a highlight reel of peoples lives and there’s often a lot more that goes on behind closed doors.

Take a minute to go through Liam Payne’s girlfriend’s tiktok and Instagram. Her life and relationship were very much presented as ‘goals’. A young stunning waitress who ended up in a relationship and travelling the world with her superstar boyfriend. The reality of which has now been shown to be quite the opposite, with a lot of darkness and sadness behind the scenes. Had he not passed away, we wouldn’t know a thing about it.

It really is pointless comparing yourself, no one can say with 100% certainty that someone else’s life is perfect, and no one’s life IS perfect.

Blimey, that’s a bit of an over-reaction, are you okay?

Over the top romantic gestures can often be the sign of a narcissist. They are more about the giver than the recipient.

You have said OP that you think her life seems ‘Too Good’. I think it sounds pretty normal. Girl worked hard in school, did well. Met Mr Right and had babies. Oh and she’s pretty’.

This doesn’t sound any different to my life or 20 odd friends or family I could name.

Leaving a night out because her DH misses her sounds soppy but I get what he means. If they were in a sleazy club and he’s got a wife and babies at home I think you often think ‘what am I doing here?’ I went to a friends 50th last week in a local pub, I was so looking forward to getting out with my DH and leaving our kids at home. But the reality was it was crap, it was a load of old blokes, giving shit speeches in a grotty room in a pub. Whilst I moan about my life being boring and never going out I just thought ‘get me the fuck out of here, I love my boring life with my DH and babies.’

I hope she sees this and ditches you. No one needs friends who resent them so nastily.

Yes, I thought you were being quite funny. Though I’d assume the thing about going home early from a boys’ night out because he missed his wife is more a teetotaller’s polite way of saying ‘You’re all pissed and lairy and want to go to a lap dancing club next, and I’m bored’.

I think although she used the word perfect, what she means is this woman has what she wants,a husband who loves her. Kids. A house she owns, a good job, disposable income, good looks. On top of this she’s a good person.

it’s envy, pure and simple. She wants these things so badly she hates this woman has them all, and hopes for something horrible to happen to her, like her husband and the father of her kids cheats

when you get to the stage you can look at a woman uou call friend , who you know was in an abusive relationship, who you know worked and went without to get where she is, and you wish her Ill due to her envy, thay you want to see her brought down, you need to address your own unhappiness.

some of these comments are touching on similar. Don’t worry. Maybe her life is shit behind the scenes. Or something shit will happen to her. It’s not ok.

Oh wow- I know people like you and I avoid them like the plague- they're constant "victims" in life, jealous of everyone else who they consider "lucky" but they refuse to acknowledge the hard work those people have put in to get where they are now.

Reads like you’re angry at yourself for the choices you made. I doubt her life is without hardship and reads like you wanted her to fail in some way because she did what you didn’t

Its this. If you messed about, didnt work hard and spent your time out boozing meeting men (and there is nothing wrong with that at all) but you can hardly then moan and whinge that all her hard work paid off. She made better choices than you and is now reaping the benefits. The point is - you could have made those exact same choices but you chose not to- well tough shit now I'm afraid.

This woman has done nothing that you could not have done yourself.

An ex friend was like this to me- she'd do the bare minimum at work, spent her time dossing around at home whilst I started a business and worked my arse off. Then she'd snarkily tell me it wasnt fair that I was so "lucky" having a business. Of course she'd conveniently forget that for the first 2 years I was practically working 24/7 sacrificing my free time and stressing whilst she would be sat on her sofa watching tv. Dont punish her because she made better choices than you did- thats on you.

OP, you need to consider why you are feeling resentful of her. From your outline, it doesn’t sound like she is someone who had everything handed to her on a plate - you say that she worked really hard at school and then in her job, she was in and thankfully managed to escape an abusive relationship, and she has obviously spent time on her style and trying to look good. That stuff is not pure luck, it’s based on her hard work and life you are her friend, you should be pleased that it has worked out for her.

This is not someone who deserves a begrudging and mean-spirited friend, especially since you describe her as having a heart of gold. Your feelings require examination because they are about you, not her.

You are a horrible "friend"

You sound very nasty about her OP.

Other people's wins don't affect your life. If you want a better relationship get one. If you want to improve your own relationship, you can do that too.

This all sounds like such a bog-standard, run-of-the-mill life you’d have to have things pretty terrible to be envious of it.

Swan towels and husband doesn’t use prostitutes. So aspirational.

You don't know what is going on behind closed doors.

Maybe her husband left early because he is controlling & is always accusing her of sleeping with other men behind his back, so he went home to try and catch her out, slammed her into a wall, and shouted accusations at her, leaving her terrified.

Or maybe everything is as rosy as it seems and her life is going really well right now.

Either way, if she's reaching out to you it's clear she values you and wants your support. Your issues are about you; if you can get over them and be a friend to her, great. If not, distance yourself.