To begrudge her perfect little life

[Sistafromanothermista]

I’m struggling to articulate this but I have a friend who I actually really like as a person but can’t help begrudge her life sometimes.

we went to school together and she was a high flying achiever. Type A person who was never in trouble but pushed boundaries if she thought teachers were wrong or there was an injustice etc. She was a workaholic and wanted to focus on her career with no time for boys, alcohol and ‘distractions’ like that.

we lost touch for a few years and got back in touch recently and I feel I don’t know, demoralised maybe, because of how her life has turned out.

when we met up again she told me she’d met someone (I was happy for her because I knew she had been in an abusive relationship for a while) and was happy. She then goes on to show me pictures of his proposal (think movie style every girl’s dream rose petals and swan towels) and says they’ve booked their wedding. Again all good.

she THEN proceeds to tell me shes 16 weeks pregnant and her and her fiancée had bought a house. I without thinking asked how can you afford all this…of course miss workaholic accelerated in her finance role.

since we’ve gotten closer she’s had her wedding and just so happened that her husband has made friends with my friends through a hobby. They all went out recently (as in all the men), including my own boyfriend. They went to a more sleazy part of town and I (and this is so horrible I know) asked specifically about my friends husband to see if he’d been upto anything (a couple of the other men had). Apparently her husband talked about her the whole night, didn’t drink alcohol and went home early because he missed her.

just tonight she text me to tell me she’s expecting another baby and how she would love to meet for lunch. She’s a lovely woman and she has a heart of gold and she should obviously be so proud of herself but for fuck sake I just feel like I can’t catch a break around her sometimes. Aibu?

edited to say: she’s stunning by the way. She was always attractive in school but when I saw her again she looked like a real elegant type of stunning. I’m not bad myself but again I just feel a bit bleugh when I’m with her.

I agree that comparison is the thief of joy, and appearances can be decieving. Your friend's life may look perfect but im sure she doesn't share the negative stuff.
I used to feel envious of a couple who had it all - genuinely the loveliest people, interesting, well paid careers with lots of travel, always wearing the nicest clothes, or lived in a tastefully decorated home in a well to do area, and made it all look effortless. Fast forward a few years and they moved out of London nearer our home town (though the wife still commutes) and I've bumped into the husband a few times at the swimming pool with my kids. Life has changed with the arrival of kids, sounds like their marriage isn't the happiest (as he keeps mentioning their problems) and both are quite stressed. But their Instagram feeds tell a different story.
Your friend sounds lovely and im sure you wouldnt want her life to do a 180.
I wish my friends were as happy with their lot as they appeared to be several years ago, but also that I didn't give it so much headspace at the time.

This. She hasn't been left millions by some old aunt or won the lottery, nor is she some famous musician touring the world with thousands of adoring fans.

She has worked hard to get a good job and now has a partner who loves her and kids, with some awful relationship experiences in the past. That pretty much describes most of my friendship circle. There is nothing here that is particularly out of the ordinary or spectacular to be jealous of. Its hardly "perfect" or "too good" and I agree this is a very bizarre post.

It also doesnt make any sense why you'd be jealous of swan towels and all that stuff if you personally think they are cringe.

Such a weird post.

You'll be inconsolable if her kids grow up to be smarter, more successful and more attractive than yours.

Do both of you a favour and cut ties with her now.

Comparison is the thief of joy. Envy is not a good look.

Everyone has their good seasons and sad seasons, and we can’t compare, and jealousy and envy are really pointless and unhelpful - to yourself as well as to your friendship.
I have a friend who on the face of it has a seemingly “perfect life”. She has everything I would dream of, she is so happy with her life and generally things are going so well for her, she never seems to have problems. However, I have known her long enough to remember when she did have some really tough times, she had some very upsetting things happen in her childhood and she hasn’t always had it easy. So when I do get those pangs of jealousy, I just remember that she deserves everything she has, because she has her share of difficulties in the past, so why shouldn’t she live a great life now, and it makes me all the more happy for her.

I have a ‘friend’ like you. Thinks everyone else is really lucky and they are really hard done by. She will definitely already know that you don’t like her. Don’t worry!

Why don’t you get a voodoo doll? For this lovely sounding person that has never done anything to you.

I think you’d be better exiting the friendship as she really doesn’t need friends like you.

It's not up to you to begrudge her anything - her life is nothing to do with you. 🫣

Weird when people come on to go against other posters but end up giving the same advice as everyone else.

She isn't just checking the validity, she's bitter and in her replies, hasn't addressed the suggestions given, but instead keeps talking the friend down.

She wants people to agree but many have said to look inward.

Thanking people for their comments and asking for further advice on where to start working on herself would be the thing to do.

Nobody knows what's really going on in somebody's life. You or the friend could wake up tomorrow and everything changes.

miss workaholic
Ugh, you're nasty and bitter because she worked harder, is more successful and is probably a nicer person? I hope she stops being friends with you, she will catch the stench of jealousy from you pretty soon I'd say.

How is being jealous of her going to improve your life in anyway?

Yea I once had a "friend" say the following to me

"Oh it's easy for you, waltzed through school and university with good grades, then waltzed into a great job"

Yea none of that took hundreds of hours of hard work and dedication!

People see what they want to see.

You've come across as really bitchy because you ARE really bitchy. Please end this friendship for this poor womans sake, she deserves better friends than you.

I think op isn't being bitchy it just seems from the outside looking in that this woman has it all and maybe she does.

Op it's okay to think oh my god course she had the amazing proposal, course she having another baby etc but I suppose she's had some awful times being with an abuser. Maybe it's just her time for some happiness.

You aren't any less than her and maybe things will get even better for you one day maybe they won't maybe things will get even better for her one day maybe they won't . No one knows what the future holds.

All you can do is live for now and focus on the fact that you like your friend she a a lovely person and life is about growing as a persons while forming connections with all different people and personalities.

You seem genuinely awful OP. Jealous and bitter.

Hopefully this woman has some friends who are happy for her.

You know op, there's probably someone looking at your life, thinking how lucky you are.

Try to see the positives

She has had terrible times if she was in an abusive relationship. What this is though, is you realising your life is not how you want it to be. But instead of working out why you feel like that, you are redirecting that at someone else. All perfectly normal, as it is a good way of diverting what is clearly needed, but is scary. Your life is not as good as you would like but you are pulling the woe is me card rather than taking action. So you have a choice. Continue like this and wind up angry and bitter, or take action. Sit down, with a therapist if you can, (CBT will probably be good for you as goals focussed), and work out what is wrong, and what you can do to make it better. This is all achievable, I promise. But only if you take control of your own life and own actions. Awful things can happen to people, but its what you do in the face of that that counts. Good luck. x

I'd saying asking how someone can afford a wedding and actively digging for dirt on their husband is pretty shit friendship behaviour regardless of whether the friend knows or not.

Poor woman can't trust her and doesn't even know it

If anything this just proves my point that her life is nearly too good

What does "too good" mean though?

What would it gain you if her fiancé had cheated like it sounds like you'd have secretly liked him to? Or if she lost her job? Or if she hadn't been able to have kids?

If she had less good things in her life, what benefit would there be to you?

I can't get over the fact you were secretly hoping he had betrayed her or cheated, especially considering she was in an abusive relationship before.

I think that should really make you stop and think. It's shocking.

Why - it is clearly the relationship they have that bothers you so what is it that you want - what is lacking in your life that makes you envy hers.

we can’t begin to know what anyone life is like but we can recognise what is missing in ours - and for you to feel this way there clearly is

Everything dose seem to have moved fast for her in the time you've been reacquainted. Engagement, marriage, baby and now baby No 2 on its way.

How many years is this ?

Look, true friends stick together through good and bad.

She's in the 'good' phase now. It could all change in an instant.
Their obsession with each other could change to hate. Who knows. Their 'obsession' does sound fragile and often those kind of relationships burn out. But at least be happy for her now.

The point is, you can't be a good friend when all you're doing is comparing what she has with what you don't have.

You need to make YOUR life like hers, if that's what you want.

If she was the class swot and you mucked around, is that her fault?
If she has a more caring husband, is that her fault?

What do you want to do with your life now?

You're not answering any of these questions are you?

I mean, her life isn’t that great. She clearly has a really horrible friend who slags her off on the internet and hopes her husband cheats on her. Poor woman!

You said she's been in an abusive relationship so it hasn't all been sweet and rosy. As happy as she can seem everyone has their issues and insecurities behind closed doors

I am guessing the husband left the night out as he wasn’t into it and rather wanted to be at home!