To begrudge her perfect little life

[Sistafromanothermista]

I’m struggling to articulate this but I have a friend who I actually really like as a person but can’t help begrudge her life sometimes.

we went to school together and she was a high flying achiever. Type A person who was never in trouble but pushed boundaries if she thought teachers were wrong or there was an injustice etc. She was a workaholic and wanted to focus on her career with no time for boys, alcohol and ‘distractions’ like that.

we lost touch for a few years and got back in touch recently and I feel I don’t know, demoralised maybe, because of how her life has turned out.

when we met up again she told me she’d met someone (I was happy for her because I knew she had been in an abusive relationship for a while) and was happy. She then goes on to show me pictures of his proposal (think movie style every girl’s dream rose petals and swan towels) and says they’ve booked their wedding. Again all good.

she THEN proceeds to tell me shes 16 weeks pregnant and her and her fiancée had bought a house. I without thinking asked how can you afford all this…of course miss workaholic accelerated in her finance role.

since we’ve gotten closer she’s had her wedding and just so happened that her husband has made friends with my friends through a hobby. They all went out recently (as in all the men), including my own boyfriend. They went to a more sleazy part of town and I (and this is so horrible I know) asked specifically about my friends husband to see if he’d been upto anything (a couple of the other men had). Apparently her husband talked about her the whole night, didn’t drink alcohol and went home early because he missed her.

just tonight she text me to tell me she’s expecting another baby and how she would love to meet for lunch. She’s a lovely woman and she has a heart of gold and she should obviously be so proud of herself but for fuck sake I just feel like I can’t catch a break around her sometimes. Aibu?

edited to say: she’s stunning by the way. She was always attractive in school but when I saw her again she looked like a real elegant type of stunning. I’m not bad myself but again I just feel a bit bleugh when I’m with her.

You are not covering yourself in glory here...

You should examine your own life and identify what is lacking for such terrible jealousy to be created.

If you were truly content you wouldn't be this bitter, hoping that something will go horribly wrong in her life is pretty sick isn't it.

You should distance yourself for both your sakes and work out what's needed in YOUR life.

If you want a partner who doesn't drink and leer at strippers, I promise you they are readily available. That's not something out of your reach. MN would have you believe that all men are dogs, but they really aren't.

Oh dear it sounds like she actually sacrificed some things to make it in her career , and then was in an abusive relationship 🥺
I’d be happy for her now .
Also big gestures like the big OTT proposal aren’t sustainable really so don’t be jealous of that .
Being quietly content is what matters

OP, you sound like a deeply unhappy person.

I have a good life I’m at a brilliant University and have my Masters lined up for next year, I live alone with my boyfriend of nearly two years (we are both each other’s first) and I have a couple close friends, a nice family and have two horses daddy “bought n paid for”. We travelled this summer and my DP is very good to me. We go on weekly dates and spend 24/7 with each other, and we cook dinner together every night. We don’t drink or smoke. My life may look superficially good. people have made snide remarks before…

BUT that’s only the good stuff. I’m struggling to afford university, DP and my housing situation is unsure for next year, and his mother doesn’t seem 100% with our relationship. Also, I have a crippling amount of anxiety and an eating disorder. I struggle most days just to eat and my anxiety means I super high strung and a demanding partner at times. DP isn’t perfect either, although he’s close to it!

you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors and you can lose everything in an instant.

And yet, despite having this perfect life she counts you as a friend and wants to share her happiness with you ……….. so either she sees something positive in you that she likes and values, or she feels really sorry for your crabby jealous soul. Which do you think it is?

Oprah has it right - you absolutely cannot be friends who have even a hint of jealousy of your life - your poor friend is living her best life, you should be happy for her

Just be yourself, I am sure she appreciates you for who you are! Do NOT envy anyone, life is unpredictable!!!

So after failing to find dirt on her husband to try and destroy her marriage, what are you going to do next?

She does have one big problem in her life….you. Hopefully she’ll get wise. I had a “friend” like you once and little comments started getting back to me so I cut it dead. Nobody needs those kind of friends.

I'm sorry, OP, but this sounds like plain old envy. And envy is no joke, not something to take lightly: it's so destructive... and not only to the "object" of envy (I worry for your friend) but to the envious one too.
I really hope you can work at yourself and can free yourself from this 🙏

'Other people's success is not your failure'.

Is she a nice person? If yes, be happy for her and get on with your own life. No? Then what are jealous of? Get on with your own life.

All most of us see are the edited highlights of the lives of others. We don't see the crappy bits. The unseen mental health issues, the private health battles, the worries, the struggles.

Comparison really is the thief of joy. Be happy for her and let it go. You're making yourself miserable over nothing.

I think you need to look at yourself op. What is it she has that you don’t. Why are you feeling that way. Your friend will notice if snide comments come through. I did when a friend was jealous of me. Have you considered therapy to look at areas of your life you can change and be happier?

My first though too 😀

OP is being given a hard time here, not once has she ever shown her friend these feelings and she is using an anonymous internet forum to check the validity of them. She isn't an "awful friend" as some of you are saying.

It's human nature to compare ourselves to others. When people are doing way better than us it's hard not to feel left behind. This is a problem as old as time itself. The Bible is full of stories of inferiority complexes and jealousy. I very much doubt any of the posters in this thread who claim to feel nothing but happiness and joy for everyone around them. That's just not how human brains are wired up and it feels incredibly fake.

I totally get it OP. It sucks that humans are fallible and in an ideal world her success shouldn't bother you, but we are all flawed and nobody is perfect.

You have two choices now, either work on those feelings and try to find peace with her success, or decide not to be friends anymore.

Your jealous of a friend because she’s happy?

I have a friend who had her kids much younger than I did so hers are grown. She has freedom, space, a happy life with her husband, and a fancy job that gives her amazing opportunities. Honestly, the only thing I feel towards her is pride and love. I’m so happy she’s happy.

You need to look inward. It sounds like something in your life isn’t where you would want it to be. Perhaps start looking there.

Honestly, OP, what struck me was how ordinary and unenviable her life is to cause such deep envy! She’s nice-looking, works, has a house, children and a husband who went home early from a night out rather than getting a lap dance or something.

I mean, I could understand your level of envy if she’d managed incredible success in a career you’d tried your best at but not succeeded in getting onto the bottom rung, or if you were single and desperately wanted a relationship (with or without swan towel proposal), but her life sounds perfectly pleasant but ordinary. You’re presumably still quite young — if you’re not happy in your career, or it doesn’t pay enough, look into retraining. If your relationship isn’t making you happy, end it. You have a lot of control over some things!

I hope this doesn’t come across funny.

I think that your post is a reflection on yourself rather than your friend. Comparing your life / being jealous of a friend is just a waste of time.

There is always going to be someone out there that might be prettier, smarter or richer than you. Likewise, there will be people out there who aren’t as educated, poorer and less fortunate.

You also never know really what someone is going through behind closed doors. Someone might seem to have the perfect life, only to divorce their husband or have problems later down the line.

It doesn’t sound like you’re showing your jealousy to her, but all I can say is a jealous friend I try and distance myself with me.

Oh believe me her friend knows. I had a super envious friend once, and she would keep dropping snide comments " oh well, it's so easy for you." She's now my ex-friend.

You sound like you’re willing something to go wrong for her so you can console yourself with the fact her life is somehow fake or unachievable. That’s really sad.

Honestly, I’d step away from her and focus on what you can do to increase your own happiness.

Don’t think I’ve ever read anything so bitter on here and that’s saying something. This girl has worked hard, escaped an abusive relationship to find a decent one and you’re so overcome with jealousy and bitterness you’ve felt the need to write about it. I’m guessing you’re secretly hoping it’ll all fall apart for ‘Miss workaholic’ and she’ll be as miserable as you so you can feel better. Honestly. So grim. So so grim. So mean. Astounding.

We can ALL have swan towels!

Your original post and now this is one of the strangest things I’ve ever read. Why would you think her life is ‘nearly too good’? It sounds lovely yes, but the vast majority of people I know have followed a fairly similar path. I am surprised you feel like this woman has something remarkable - what are the lives of the other people you know like?

Most of the people in my life have followed a fairly similar path - worked hard at school, got a good job, got married and had kids (if that’s their thing!). It’s a really lovely for them but I would hardly say it was a ‘perfect’ life or ‘nearly too good’. It’s the norm for the vast majority of people isn’t it?

You not friends.

Friends are happy for one another, support one another, and don't get competitive.

Reading back I have come across really bitchy.

Yes, yes you have.

Your "friend" worked really hard throughout school and work, has escaped an abusive relationship and now has what appears to be a great life.