To begrudge her perfect little life

[Sistafromanothermista]

I’m struggling to articulate this but I have a friend who I actually really like as a person but can’t help begrudge her life sometimes.

we went to school together and she was a high flying achiever. Type A person who was never in trouble but pushed boundaries if she thought teachers were wrong or there was an injustice etc. She was a workaholic and wanted to focus on her career with no time for boys, alcohol and ‘distractions’ like that.

we lost touch for a few years and got back in touch recently and I feel I don’t know, demoralised maybe, because of how her life has turned out.

when we met up again she told me she’d met someone (I was happy for her because I knew she had been in an abusive relationship for a while) and was happy. She then goes on to show me pictures of his proposal (think movie style every girl’s dream rose petals and swan towels) and says they’ve booked their wedding. Again all good.

she THEN proceeds to tell me shes 16 weeks pregnant and her and her fiancée had bought a house. I without thinking asked how can you afford all this…of course miss workaholic accelerated in her finance role.

since we’ve gotten closer she’s had her wedding and just so happened that her husband has made friends with my friends through a hobby. They all went out recently (as in all the men), including my own boyfriend. They went to a more sleazy part of town and I (and this is so horrible I know) asked specifically about my friends husband to see if he’d been upto anything (a couple of the other men had). Apparently her husband talked about her the whole night, didn’t drink alcohol and went home early because he missed her.

just tonight she text me to tell me she’s expecting another baby and how she would love to meet for lunch. She’s a lovely woman and she has a heart of gold and she should obviously be so proud of herself but for fuck sake I just feel like I can’t catch a break around her sometimes. Aibu?

edited to say: she’s stunning by the way. She was always attractive in school but when I saw her again she looked like a real elegant type of stunning. I’m not bad myself but again I just feel a bit bleugh when I’m with her.

Christ even when you seem to acknowledge your bitchiness you then carry on some more!
She worked hard and valued things you did not. Thems the breaks.
I'd say please distance yourself as you are not her friend. You are judgemental, jealous and downright nasty. So what if their relationship is different to yours!
You lack self awareness and really need to take a look at yourself as there is obviously something lacking in your life to be so horrid about someone else.

I do think the husband one is a big one. Like I love my boyfriend and he loves me but I wouldn’t leave a night out because I missed him or vice versa.

I would hate my husband to leave a night out because he missed me. Suffocating and way too intense. As for the other stuff, there are many men who don't drink or watch strippers. Your bar is extremely low.

You should have worked harder in school and uni. It pays off for those of us who did.

"comparison is the thief of joy" as they say. You'll always find people whose life seems more perfect than yours if you look. You also don't see the challenges being a workaholic with two kids in Finance is hardly an easy life.

Envy is a most undesirable trait.

So what if he missed her and wanted to get back to her?

Different relationships for different people. You don't have to find it adorable as some would, but you can be happy she's in a relationship where they suit each other.

I've had it myslef with the "if you don't argue, it's not a healthy relationship" tripe.

If you're happy in your own choice of man, what does it matter what she does with hers?

😂

@5128gap

You need to be a particular sort of person to be friends with someone who you consider to have it all

I actually think there’s another sort of person who is drawn to people who appear to “have it all” (and what a bollocks phrase that is) because they get a weird masochistic kick out of being inferior and envious.

I have seen this dynamic play out a lot: Alpha person who superficially has it all going on with a very Beta hanger on in an unhealthy codependency. Alpha needs the validation of a sidekick and constant ego massage. Beta needs the status bump of being attached to a showstopper but never feels s/he had “earned” it and becomes bitter over time that the perks that accrue to the Alpha pass her by.

I don’t know about the friend: she clearly has her head screwed on, swan towel or otherwise. This OP is the Beta in this situation. It never ends well.

Try this for feeling 'envy'. I had friends who had babies all the way through my battle to conceive/failed IVF. Not ONCE did I feel anything but joy for them. Sad on occasions, yes, but envy; no. I accepted it as part of life. One was such a good friend she even offered to carry a baby for me, should that have been my problem (it wasn't). THAT is the definition of friendship-you should try it some time. What an ugly little 'friend' you are.

I think this whole post is just bullshit . Totally fake - they meet up again - “ friend “ 16 weeks pregnant - now expecting again….

Don’t disagree. Being conscious of this, though will mean the OP will need to acknowledge to herself the grim truth that she is only comfortable befriending people whose lives she feels are objectively on a par with or ‘worse’ than her own, and will need to consider what ‘good’ factors balance “bad ones’?

For instance, will this envied friend’s life become bearable for the OP if her husband does sleep with a prostitute? If their second child has significant disabilities? If she loses her job and they default on the mortgage? If she develops a disfiguring skin disease?

Just how many unfortunate things does the OP need to happen to this blameless woman with her swan towel proposal before she can feel ok about herself?

Yes does sound like a windup with the swan towels and more. Either that or the OP spends too much time watching crappy romcoms.

She just sounds like someone who has always worked hard and is doing well in her career. She has now found someone she loves who loves her back, they've bought a house, got married and are having kids. This sounds like 90% of my friends.
It's unusual on MN however (because why would anyone post about their completely ordinary contented life?).

Ah op I sort of get it. I have a friend who is lovely and glam and living the great life (in my mind) and I tend to feel like the dowdy country bumpkin on comparison. But that's my issue . She has never said anything mean to me. Keep your distance if it makes you feel better

Wowww… i hope this poor woman reads this thread and distances herself from you asap. Hoping this is made up tbh.

Sistafromanothermista, your envy shows like a beacon I'm afraid.

I’ve known a fair few people who presented this over the top, perfect impression of their relationship and actually it was completely false and the truth was they were unhappy, arguing all the time, cheating or in an abusive relationship. The husband goes home early from a night out - could be because he misses her, could be because he’s controlling and doesn’t trust her. The over the top proposal - could be because he loves her, could be because they had a massive row the night before and he said some awful things, now he’s love bombing her back into submission.

Being jealous of other people’s lives is ridiculous because you don’t even know what their lives are REALLY like, you only know what they let you see.

I would suggest get some counselling and work through your negative feelings about your own life instead of seeing her as the problem.

@Holotropic yes, very very true.

It's not just OP either- we all have emotions and feelings/thoughts that are hard to accept and examine. But if we can be brave enough to find out where they are coming from (often from childhood) and address them, even though it's hard, it's so worth it for the sake of our own wellbeing.

I think AIBU is a good platform to put something out there and to use the replies to examine whether you are or not.

Having that reaction to your friend's life and relationship , what you perceive as, perfect , tells you something about how you feel about your life. You can examine what that might be with some soul searching or reflection. And maybe become as peaceful with your friend's life or not.

I feel the same way about some of my old school friends who have successful jobs as GPs, lawyers etc and live in very affluent areas. I know I wouldn't be able to be friends with them now as my career and mental health has not been positive over the years and knowing how their life is now would just make me feel inadequate. That's fine, I know it and I own it. My good friends are people with similar lives/ money etc to me.

i think you know yourself YABU… probably should try and work on your own self esteem tbh, not very healthy way to live if her situation makes you feel bad.

Tbh I’ve found my life improved by my friends being driven and successful as they pulled me along in uni ( to study and apply for jobs) and the network helps after as well ( when I lost my job and needed a new one ).

btw it sounds like you are in a rut maybe? So here’s a hug

With friends like you…

You sound really mean-spirited and jealous. I feel sorry for your friend.

Even if this post is a windup, I have been thinking about envy a lot lately as I am quite an envious person myself. It's one of my failings. My envy is usually about people who have DC who seem to sail along, because DD has had a lot of health struggles in her teens and young adulthood. I was very envious of a friend whose DD seemed to be doing fantastically at school, then uni, then a great job.

Then one day I found out that her DD was actually sexually assaulted in uni. 😢 That cured me of my envy. Everybody, nearly everybody, has their challenges.

Honestly why would I waste my time and create a story. Wise up. If anything this just proves my point that her life is nearly too good

I dont know about you but I severely censor what I tell people about my life.

I would generally say it’s pretty good and to the outside world I’m Sure it look perfect. I have a wonderful husband and funny kind beautiful and high performing children. I own my own home. I have a good job. We go on nice holidays. Etc etc.

However, I have had friends for thirty years that dont have a single clue about some of the shit I’ve been through in my life (mostly because just talking about it takes me to places I don’t want to visit myself, let alone share with others so it’s tucked right away).

You literally only ever see what someone wants you to see.

No one has a golden life.

focus on your own life and if it bothers you so much walk away.