To begrudge her perfect little life

[Sistafromanothermista]

I’m struggling to articulate this but I have a friend who I actually really like as a person but can’t help begrudge her life sometimes.

we went to school together and she was a high flying achiever. Type A person who was never in trouble but pushed boundaries if she thought teachers were wrong or there was an injustice etc. She was a workaholic and wanted to focus on her career with no time for boys, alcohol and ‘distractions’ like that.

we lost touch for a few years and got back in touch recently and I feel I don’t know, demoralised maybe, because of how her life has turned out.

when we met up again she told me she’d met someone (I was happy for her because I knew she had been in an abusive relationship for a while) and was happy. She then goes on to show me pictures of his proposal (think movie style every girl’s dream rose petals and swan towels) and says they’ve booked their wedding. Again all good.

she THEN proceeds to tell me shes 16 weeks pregnant and her and her fiancée had bought a house. I without thinking asked how can you afford all this…of course miss workaholic accelerated in her finance role.

since we’ve gotten closer she’s had her wedding and just so happened that her husband has made friends with my friends through a hobby. They all went out recently (as in all the men), including my own boyfriend. They went to a more sleazy part of town and I (and this is so horrible I know) asked specifically about my friends husband to see if he’d been upto anything (a couple of the other men had). Apparently her husband talked about her the whole night, didn’t drink alcohol and went home early because he missed her.

just tonight she text me to tell me she’s expecting another baby and how she would love to meet for lunch. She’s a lovely woman and she has a heart of gold and she should obviously be so proud of herself but for fuck sake I just feel like I can’t catch a break around her sometimes. Aibu?

edited to say: she’s stunning by the way. She was always attractive in school but when I saw her again she looked like a real elegant type of stunning. I’m not bad myself but again I just feel a bit bleugh when I’m with her.

Would you want him to?

I mean, I don’t think my husband would tell his friends he was coming home because he missed me… but I’m also very confident that he wouldn’t be doing anything shady, and he sometimes wouldn’t drink. Even if he does, he doesn’t drink to excess, he’s rarely if ever drunk. He me never really been interested in strippers and the like; even pre me. Thats just his personality.

I can understand the envy that she seems to “have it all”, which makes it seem like it is possible; but you aren’t achieving it. I’ll be honest though; hoping that her partner was doing something sketchy so it wasn’t all as perfect as you think it is seems more cold and mean. That’s a new level. It’s not just envy, it’s actively being against her.

I think for both of your sakes; you should probably distance yourself from her.

I agree. This is not by a stretch my dream proposal! Rose petals and swan towels in hotel rooms have been done to death, it's a bit meh.

My DH proposed in a fancy restaurant down on one knee and the other tables and waiter were clapping, it was cute and perfect (helped that I was a couple glasses of wine in so didn't feel embarrassed 😂) - however others would find this naff and hate it 🤷‍♀️

I don't think you can generalise that this woman had the "perfect" proposal - we all like different things.

Also agree with posters saying she's been in abusive relationship so it's lovely that she's now found happiness. I guarantee her life was far from perfect back then.

Everyone has parts of their lives they want to change and are unhappy with, regardless of how apparently "perfect" it all looks on the surface. It's just that many don't talk about it and only share the best parts.

Their relationship may well be a bit more lovey-dovey than yours or mine but what's it to you? That's clearly just how they run.

OP, if being around someone who is happy with the lovely life they have created triggers you then you need to look at your own life. You sound jealous - and sometimes we can all feel a bit envious of someone who appears to be having an easier or jollier time of it than us. But 'happiness' lies in contentment and gratitude for our own lot in life.

Writing down three things before bedtime that you are grateful for can be transformative.

Good wishes to you ❤️

Horrible things also happen to amazing people with amazing lives. Does this needs to happen for you to feel that places are reversed and she can be the one to envy your life?

The only important fact here is that she seems to be a good caring friend and that's the only thing to focus on. Life is unpredictable, what remains through the ups and downs is love and care.

Yes I wonder if OP was a school bully/ Queen Bee at school, making fun of the girly swot at school, and expected the same dynamic as an adult. OP, just have a child and form a bitchy clique at the school gates if you want to go back to your mean girl school days.

Honestly, resentment and bitterness isn't good. You need to understand that everyone has ups and downs in their lives. Let her enjoy her happy life now - who knows what her future holds? Hopefully her life will continue to be good but she may well experience the most awful pain and heartbreak. Who knows.
I felt like you about a friend once. Her life was absolutely perfect - she had a wealthy, gorgeous husband, the type of house I could only dream of. In contrast, my life was falling apart. I just felt that she had everything and I had nothing. Fast forward 15 years and she's been through hell (serious medical problems with her child plus a couple of other tragedies), and my life is now pretty amazing. I don't feel smug. I just feel guilty that I ever resented her happiness, and I wish life would cut her a break.
Life is precarious. Things can be perfect one minute and tragic the next. Another friend of mine was also living the dream life (lovely house, adoring husband and beautiful kids). She died last year of breast cancer. Just focus on what you can do to improve your life and take nothing for granted. I imagine you are living a life that many people around the world could only dream of.

Agreed. Some of the words you used are awful. And were you really hoping her husband would have behaved badly? I think you might actually have been quite gleeful if he had. You really don't sound very nice op and come across jealous as fuck

Jealousy is an interesting emotion I think and you can go one of two ways:
Path A - stew, brewing resentment and feel bad and let it turn you into not a nice person OR
Path B - recognise that the things you are jealous of are the things you want in your life and do something to attain them

So she's been through an abusive relationship, has worked herself hard to give herself financial stability, got proposed to with towel swans and is about to have her second child (when the first is still quite young?) and you conclude from this she has an easy, 'perfect' life?! I imagine there is a whole lot more going on that you might not even be aware of - 'type a personality' as you suggest she is, can be notoriously hard on themselves.
as others have said - focus more on yourself and what you want from life and how you can make it happen - whether that is from life, work, relationship, finances etc. try also to step back about and consider why you are focusing so much on her in all of this.

When I was younger, I occasionally used to attract this type of jealousy. I had it all, attractive, slim, clever, interesting career, devoted husband.

Now no-one is jealous of my life. They say things like 'you've had more than your share of bad luck' or 'I don't know how you keep going'.

Life can change in an instant.

I think you know, from all the critical comments, that this isn't your best self. I don't think it's that bad to be jealous a tad, as long as you don't let it spill into your friendship. Don't let it define you though, perhaps chat it through with a friend, therapist, and treasure what you have in your own relationship.

Well said. I notice you focus on the good things in her life but there is scant acknowledgement of the crappy things that have happened to her like being in an abusive relationship. Referring to her as "Miss workaholic" is also unkind- bloody good for her if she has worked hard and achieved what she has-she has made sacrifices to do that, would you have preferred it if it was just handed to her on a plate with no work involved?

Also, checking to see if her partner was flirting with others is incredibly mean spirited and you are treating her like you REALLY want her life to come crashing down around her- you are no friend.

If her success is triggering you that is 100% on you. Yes, all of us feel flashes of envy at times but it passes and we care enough about our friends to genuinely feel happy for them. You sound incredibly bitter and frankly, mean.

I am sorry you feel so clearly unhappy with your life but the only person who can change that is you. If you carry on in this vein, you will only increase your misery tenfold so I urge you to do some self reflection.

Interesting because I am the polar opposite. I much prefer being in the company of this type of friend or in general company.There is nothing worse than being on the receiving end of jealousy within a friendship so the more successful & beautiful they are the more comfortable I feel.This type of person is always happy for you too when things are going well etc.

@Faldodiddledee 💐 that was a very generously caring post.

@Toseland I think that's a very interesting approach. I've felt a twinge of jealousy very rarely in my life, but when I have, it is always about me and not the other person. One time I was jealous when someone very pretty but also motherly and warm moved to the neighbourhood, I've had minor jealousy about a very successful colleague who had a meteoric rise in her career when I was not. In all instances, I've given it some thought, realised they were great people, in both cases they were lovely as well as successful and attractive, and carried on with my life with those things in mind to attain for myself. Mostly I have, and neither of them have had 'easy' lives either.

I do think a twinge of jealousy is forgivable, just not to let it turn into bitterness.

I do think the husband one is a big one. Like I love my boyfriend and he loves me but I wouldn’t leave a night out because I missed him or vice versa.

So why does it bother you that her relationship is like that? Do you want your boyfriend to leave nights out because he misses you? If not, why does it bother you that her fiancé does do that?

OP a lot of what you've said could be understandable, simple jealousy.

But the fact you were secretly hoping her fiancé had behaved badly on a night out is next level. You'd have secretly been a bit pleased if he had done so. Horrible in any context but considering she's been in an abusive relationship before, it's particularly shitty.

it is not normal to be so irritated by a friend who seems happy in life and with her relationship. What you have described doesn’t sound that unusual. The swans on the bed in a hotel room is pretty run of the mill to be honest.

You’ve been very honest OP and yes, some of it’s bitchy. But I think there are very few of us who don’t feel jealousy throughout their lives.

a really hard emotion to turn around and make positive but you can.

It’s also fine to distance yourself from people if you don’t feel warm and connected to them any more and you know your feelings towards them are turning spiteful. Maybe that’s the case with you and this woman.

You feel how you feel and only you can change that. But attempting to dig for dirt on her husband in order to make yourself feel good is quite nasty.

They went to a more sleazy part of town and I (and this is so horrible I know) asked specifically about my friends husband to see if he’d been upto anything (a couple of the other men had). Apparently her husband talked about her the whole night, didn’t drink alcohol and went home early because he missed her

Would you prefer she was still in her previous abusive relationship?

It’s good you’ve got an insight into your feelings. And remember, this lady had an abusive relationship so things have been tough for her. No one’s life is perfect. If you’re unhappy, maybe it’s time for some changes.

You are ridiculous.

OH you ought to meet my friends husband. His proposal was a video of all their milestones culminating in a proposal on the top of a castle tower with a photographer video guy hidden in another tower. The trust helped him arrange it all.

They had a fairy tale wedding. Ten years later they're still mad about each other.

She's a really nice person too. Another workaholic.

Nobody has a perfect life. Anyone can paint theirs to seem amazing but it doesn’t mean it’s 100% reality.

It’s also fine to distance yourself from people if you don’t feel warm and connected to them any more and you know your feelings towards them are turning spiteful. Maybe that’s the case with you and this woman

OP can do that of course, but the problem with just avoiding people due to jealousy is that the issue is never resolved. We will always come across people in life who have things we want, so unless you are going to become a hermit or only befriend homeless people the issue isnt going to go away.

What happens if OP drops this friend, and then the next friend she makes has aspects of her life that make OP feel jealous?- is she going to drop every single friend who is successful or has a good relationship? Avoiding isnt going to actually solve anything because the issue will keep rearing its head.

Jung once wisely said "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate" and that is exactly what is happening here.

(I was happy for her because I knew she had been in an abusive relationship for a while

So why aren't you happy for her now? She still has an abusive relationship in her past. I am sure those memories will never leave her.

You are jealous, pure and simple. That is ok, it's a human emotion. Time to start looking at your own life, and what would make you happier, then start reaching for it.

What the fuck am I reading? Their life sounds normal and healthy to me. In love, buying a house (how cheeky to ask how they afford such a normal occurance in life), having kids. Wow you are so bitter at however your life turned out she needs to run! Fast!!