Need a hand hold

[Imbluedalale]

That’s just it really. I really need a cuddle but that’s not possible so can anybody just support me right now? My mental health is on the floor right now I’ve never felt as low it’s making me feel so ill

Morning Ruralretreating.
ckudnt believe it when I woke up I’d managed to sleep for 6 hours ! I was given some medication to help me sleep but I’m still shocked. Feel abit disoriented this morning and was sat in kitchen having a cup of tea and my councillor came in and I’ve just started crying . My little one has football at the weekend and I could see out of the kitchen window a football field so I think that set me off . I was also talking about my mum and she thinks it might be best if one of them ring her and explain everything and tell my mum they have months and months of notes of the abuse from ex and to say my ex only started saying I was the abusive one when he kicked me out but I don’t think I’m ready for that . She also said I’m the one with hospital notes of injuries . What do you think? I’ve got a book beside me so I’m going to try and read a few pages and I’m gong to take my medication . I hope you have a nice weekend

I’m so glad you got some sleep! Take your time and do things when you’re ready - you don’t need to be on anyone else’s timetable! I hope your book is enjoyable :)

Thank you TealPoet.
Ive just done an Ocado order to come tomorrow as you make your own food here but it felt quite exciting doing it like I was a mum again can’t wait to make some basic teas like jacket potatoes and pasta etc . I’m also able to wash my own clothes here so I’ll have fresh washing again so I’ll do that today , I was washing my underwear in sink at hotel so this feels like a luxury . Truthfully I don’t think I’m ready for them to try and contact my mum I’m feeling hurt by her lack of concern for me and for going on holiday when I really needed her , I would understand if it was booked but it wasn’t it was a spur of the moment thing because she was stressed and it was making her poorly . Of course I don’t want her to feel stressed or poorly but I wasn’t in contact with her and she wasn’t with me so it was whatever ex was saying to her that caused it .

Wow, it’s wonderful that you’re already having the opportunity to do these things and that you are seizing that so eagerly. Honestly everything you’re doing just shows how strong you are and how well you can recover when that nasty little voice of your ex isn’t in your ear.

You have every right to be hurt by your mum’s reaction. I imagine it’s far too soon to be able to trust in her support again, and she’d need to prove she can be trusted. How utterly despicable that your ex has tried to drive you apart! You just keep going and stay strong. You’re doing amazingly. Every post you make shows your innate strength and compassion. Your ex stamped on that, tried to kill it, but he failed. It’s waking up now, and soon you’ll roar again :)

Thank you TealPoet.
This is so much better than being in a hotel room alone looking at 4 walls for 24 hours a day . I’m going to sit outside with a cup of tea and my book with a blanket wrapped round me for an hour after I’ve put a wash on. I’m going to try and make the most of the help and support whilst I’m here as next Friday I’ll be back in a hotel so I need some strength to do that . Then this afternoon they’ve got a steam shower thing with a seat in it so I’m going to have a long shower and then put an eye mask on and maybe read again. I miss my children so much and every time I think of them I keep getting upset so I’m trying to keep my mind busy and focus on other things . My youngest text me and said his game had been cancelled and he’s bored so I sent him some money to his bank account and now he’s happily playing fifa and said I’m best mum ever bless him . I can’t see him right now so if I can put a smile on his face by doing that it was worth it

That’s so sweet! You’re doing what you need to do to be there for him and your other kids long-term. You can and will do this! Have a good afternoon and know that you deserve being loved and looked after <3

Thank you TealPoet.
And thank you for checking in with me you’re really so kind . I hope you have a lovely day xx

I've got tears in my eyes right now at how awesome you are! You are totally going to get through this and come out the other side even stronger than you are now!

And I’ve got tears in my eyes reading what you’ve just wrote ChoccieCornflake.
Thank you . Thank you for believing in me even though I’m a stranger to you .
I wish I had a friend like all you lovely people on here .
I honestly can’t believe there’s strangers on the internet saying such nice things to me it doesn’t feel real . You are all amazing truly , thank you xx

So glad to hear you got some rest, are feeling good about the location and settling in. Natural to be disorientated I think and it sounds as though you need some time to process. Take it step by step and do things when you are ready.

You are truly lovely!!

Forgot to say, totally agree with what @TealPoet said about your strength and compassion. You can get through this.

Thank you Ruralretreating.
I’ve just had my first ‘hardcore’ counselling session and it was abit rough tbh . We talked about a lot and about what’s happened etc . One of the things that we discussed that I never thought never would be discussed was before I attempted last year I was talking to my dad on the phone and he knew I was feeling suicidal and he said that him and my mum can’t afford a funeral for me . So after I came out the the mental hospital last year I looked into low cost cremations and found one for £995 no frills basic cremation so I have managed to save £995 and put it into an ISA so it’s there and nobody has to worry about fronting the cost . She said it’s too early now but one day I’m going to use that ISA and make a special memory with it for my and the children.
I also mentioned my hair being knotty at back because I havnt been able to brush the back and she’s brushed it all for me and put it in 2 French braids, I havnt looked at it because of the mirror issue but it does feel good .

You are doing so well. Counselling is hard on the emotions. Had marriage counselling recently and it left me feeling a wreck after each session. It sounds as though you are being well looked after by people there, you deserve that after everything you’ve been going through x

I remember your first thread, and was in tears as you described your journey to the hotel. I think you are amazing and such a strong lady, your youngest also thinks so too. I hope you are able to make the most of your residence for the week, you do seem to have some wonderful support workers. Just as an aside, are you North or South of the humber?

Thank you ,
Yes I found it very hard the counselling part .
I hope your marriage counselling helped you . I’ve been getting some not very nice messages this afternoon which I haven't responded to just things like ‘can’t believe you’ve left your kids’ but it’s put me on abit of a downer

Thank you CleverLemonCat.
I don’t feel strong but I’m trying not to think so negatively of myself I’m just trying to get as much help and support as I can and try and get better.
My youngest is so lovely and he’s been texting me every day throughout the day . I havnt heard from other 2 but at least we are not arguing .
I do have some truly wonderful people looking after me . My councillor came to see me at my old address last year and she was saying today it was the nicest smelling home she’d ever been in and she had the smell on her coat for wmdays afterwards (I do love nice smelling things) .
I live in South Yorkshire , I drove to Humber bridge which is about an hour and 40 mins away

Can't believe how anyone could be so cruel to message you, knowing you are in a mental health crisis. Is there anyway MN admin can block them, throw them off the board?

Sorry I have not phrased that properly it’s messages on my phone from people I know . I haven’t responded and I’ve blocked a few but give me a break please 🙏

Well, you havent left your kids. You were thrown out by an abusive ex whilst his family and friends stood by and cheered. This time next year you will be in a beautifully smelling home of your own, and safely away from all those awful people.

I have serious mental health issues, and although I am in a good place at the moment family members literally drove me to the edge a couple of years ago. Had never before imagined the sheer vindictiveness of people that should care for you, and how they can stand by and deliberately cause you to spiral downwards. I think mental health issues just seem to give a green light to some as an excuse to bully and abuse.

Enjoy your lovely safe space, take things at your own pace and enjoy your pasta!

OP, you are amazing, you really are. You have so many fantastic qualities, you're also extremely strong and courageous.
I remember your previous thread and I was as moved by that one as I am by this one.
I'm sending you the biggest hug possible because you absolutely deserve it, just as you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect and have your dreams come true.
Keep going, you're an inspiration.

Thank you CleverLemonCat.
I’m sorry to hear that you too have mental health issues , it’s awful isn’t it . I don’t have any enemy’s but if I did I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy .
I know I haven't left them , my children know well I’ve spoken to them I’m not sure if eldest 2 believe me anymore but my youngest knows I was kicked out . And ex and his mum know the truth .
I’m trying not to worry about what people think but it’s hard you know.
I really really hope I can be in a new home by this time next year with my children .
I’m so glad to hear you’re in a good place at the moment , you truly find out who’s there for you when things get tough. I’ve spent many hours in that hotel room going round and round asking myself how ex could do all what he had to me and I’ll never know the answer . And I really can’t fathom why he upped his abuse when I found out about the cancer in February and just became absolutely vile to me. But you know what , it’s ok , what’s done is done and all I want to do is get back my children and my happiness and have a new home .

Awww thank you so much TheBlackSheepbaaaa.
Thank you for the hug (I’ll do what my youngest says) ‘Caught it’ 😂 xx

Hi lovely, it sounds like a positive day overall!

You haven't left your kids so don't even think that, even without the ex being an abusive arsehole you're not well at the moment! If you were in hospital you wouldn't have left them and their are mums who go on holiday for a few weeks without the kids and they haven't left them. YOU know you haven't left them and people who text you I would just block to be honest.

Your youngest sounds lovely and its nice you're keeping in touch, when my son was in foster at the same age we used to call and play games together like chess on our phones or random dice or whatever and it helped me feel connected doing something with him. As for the older two I would just let them be for now and concentrate on yourself.

Therapy is tough but the fact you're willing to do it is a huge indicator that it will make a difference. One of the things that really helped me was when my therapist told me to think about what voice was in my head. Was it child tashatudor or my mum or my ex or was it a genuine thought? So much of my negativity wasn't actually me and working on that really helped.

Also, I know it's hard not caring what people think but again, you can't control that so concentrate on what you think. Which should be that you're a strong, capable woman with a bright future.

Hi TashaTudor.
Are you ok? I hope you’re enjoying your weekend.
I’ve just had a cup of tea and a mini Colin the caterpillar cake and earlier for my lunch I had a bowl of fruit salad.
No I know I haven’t left them I would never do that they are my world . I have blocked a few but I’m just ignoring all other negative comments .
Awww it sounds lovely playing games with your son, I love games me and my kids used to play fish all the time which we enjoyed .
Funny you say that about therapy because my councillor said after she asked all the questions and looked at them again she said ‘every single thing you are feeling or saying about yourself isn’t your voice it’s been programmed into you to feel that way and it’s not true’.
Thank you TashaTudor xx