Need a hand hold

[Imbluedalale]

That’s just it really. I really need a cuddle but that’s not possible so can anybody just support me right now? My mental health is on the floor right now I’ve never felt as low it’s making me feel so ill

You are going through so much. Most people would struggle with that. It will change, starting with the supported housing. Take things step by step, focus on your health as the priority. Hugs

Thank you very much itsmylife7.
I really hope I see them I’m missing them so much it hurts. I never knew a heart could actually hurt but it does . I want to text my eldest to say I love him and miss him but if he doesn’t reply or says something horrible it will just milk me even more . And me and my daughter had another argument today and I want to tell her I’m sorry but then we end up arguing again . And my youngest my baby I just want to hold him , I want to hold them all but I can’t . Ex has told everyone I’ve left my children and had a breakdown because everybody thinks he’s this perfect amazing man but he’s really not . If people would really believe I’d come out of hospital after being poorly again and can’t walk and just pack my bags and make myself homeless and not want to see my children . All of it isn’t true but I’m so tired of trying to defend myself to him . He said he was going to destroy me and yet again he was right

I don’t have any friends I used to have a good job and friends but my ex thought all my friends were wrong uns and slags , they really wasn’t btw most were married but I gradually lost contact with them . I have siblings but they have listened to ex’s lies and believe him. I don’t even know half of what he’s told them but they have decided to distance themselves and 2 of my siblings I havnt heard from at all but they know what I'm going through right now . I needed my mum so much other day I just needed her but she wasn’t responding to my messages and then my sister said she had gone on holiday to get away from it all . My mental health worker is trying to reassure me that this isn’t my fault and I don’t deserve any of this but maybe I do , I worry so much that maybe it was me that was the narcissist and I pushed ex to do and say what he did and find somebody else. I know he no longer found me attractive because of all my scars now and said I repulsed him but I thought once I’d gone as he asked that would be hardest part but he’s still trying to destroy me

No, you won't let him destroy you this time.

Send your girl a short message to say something like...I hate arguing with you and I'm sorry....type of thing.

take all the support you can and use it to get well.... to show that bully you're strong and won't be bullied anymore.

Deep down people will know you've not just walked off from your kids.
Especially with the bully moving a women in.

Life looks bleak NOW but life can change so much,and yours will.

Can you play some relaxing music to fall asleep to.

Thank you Ruralretreating.
Im feeling absolutely petrified of going into supporter housing with nurses and doctors 24/7 but I know it’s the best thing for me right now . Being in this hotel room , isolated and feeling like i do is no good for me at all and I just need to find a little bit of strength in me to be able to fight all this

I lost both of my parents a few months apart while i was pregnant and my fiance started sleeping with another woman. He punched me in the stomach and I ended up in a refuge so no friends and trying to build a life in a new area. Also had my daughter who is disabled and we were both in hospital. It's been hard and I didn't think I would make it but literally one day at a time.

With your children if they're nasty just ignore or say 'I'm sorry you feel that way' and ignore. They're old enough for them to know the truth of what's happening in my opinion.

Take this time as a holiday, listen to an audiobook, watch a new series, whatever it is you like to relax. At night when my brain is whirring I daydream that I live in a simple cabin, grow my food, cut off from the world, is there a scenario you could daydream about to try and block out the negative thoughts at night?

Thank you itsmylife7.
I haven't even spoken to ex since I left I blocked him , day I left he took kids to a big party and he said he’s happiest he’s ever been . I’ve blocked his mum too because she’s just at a bad . When my oncologist said they was stopping my treatment because it was causing more harm than good she said my cancer can’t be that bad for them to stop it and she didn’t want me talking about it weneva I was home so I went to all appointments on my own and had nobody to talk to . It’s been an awful year and I know lots of people go through difficult times but I just can’t take anymore . Im not strong my ex said I was weak all the time and he was right

Hope you're able to get some rest tonight, OP 🙏

You not strong ?

You're proving them all wrong.

They all sound like they're missing a brain cell ....bunch of idiots.

You've done amazingly well with everything that's happened in your life.

You're much stronger than you know.

You should have faith in yourself because you sound bloody amazing.

I’m so so sorry TashaTudor.
God that is truly awful what you have been through I’m so sorry to hear you lost both your parents so close together . Wow you have so much strength I’m in awe of you I wish I could be as strong as you are .
With my eldest I’m always the one apologising but then if next time he doesn’t like something I say or do he starts name calling me again . I love him so so much but he speaks to me like his dad does and he’s got no respect for me so I havnt reached out to him because I don’t think he wants to hear from me as I havnt heard from him . I just don’t want to argue with anyone .
I like to have a bath to relax but I’m in a disabled room at hotel and it’s a wet room but maybe the place I’m going tomorrow will have a bath . Also forgot my headphones as left in hurry so I thought I’d try and distract myself tonight by starting a new thread and seeing if I can get some support

Thank you Caerulea.
Your very kind to say that , thank you 🙏

.

Awww that’s so nice itsmylife7.
Thank you so much , my mental health worker and domestic abuse worker said that once I feel a little better and have a little more strength they are going to start building my confidence and self esteem back up . I do have lots of professional people helping me like my mental health team, I have an amazing cancer nurse , and a lady from creative support who’s amazing and a man called Andrew from the homeless team he has been absolutely great since I saw him last Tuesday . He’s been ringing me asking how I am even though each time we have spoken I have been roaring my eyes out he has reassured me that he’s going to do everything he can to help me and he even rang me today to say he supports me going into care for abit and he will help me as soon as I’m out and put me back in a hotel . People moan about the nhs and the councils but I have had so much support from them from strangers I’ve only just met like Andrew and they have gone above and beyond to help me

That's so lovely to hear you've got all this support.

You deserve it.

you sound like a lovely person.😊

I can’t even begin to imagine the complexity of how you’re feeling, @Imbluedalale, but just wanted to add my support to all the pp’s.

It’s absolutely ok to only focus on you right now. Build your strength and accept all the support you’re offered. It may seem an unreachable goal, but you will get through this - a day or even an hour at a time is another step closer. Good luck on your journey 💐

Thank you so very much itsmylife7.
What a lovely thing to say .

I've saved this post so I'll get updates from you OP.

There's always someone around on here to offer some support.

Tomorrow you'll have company and be looked after.

Just pop back here,as and when,you want 🌝

Thank you InactionIsAWeaponOfMassDestruction.
I never knew a person could feel as bad as this but it’s the hand I’ve been dealt and I’m trying so hard to fight it . Like I said I knew leaving would be bad and in the days leading up to it I couldn’t sleep and kept getting upset but I didn’t realise how hard it would actually be . I didn’t realise i wouldn’t see my kids or that I wouldn’t have support of my family and a few times I have thought it was easier being there and putting up with what I did and listening to the things ex said to me had ex not have met somebody else but I know deep down that it was making me ill and my mental health is like it is because of him.

Thank you itsmylife7.
Ive re-packed my suitcase and I’m all ready to go . I’m feeling so nervous about it but then I think when I’m having a panic attack and can’t breathe properly or when I’m dry retching from feeling so upset I’m going to have somebody there and that thought helps settle the nerves .

Wow, you are going through so much. I didn't want to read and ignore. It must be so difficult to be away from your kids. Of course, your kids have been influenced by him but as they develop their own minds, in time, they will see the truth. For now, I would focus on just being kind and saying positive things to them. Maybe one positive thing per day, expecting no response from them and not getting drawn into arguments.

I'm so glad your need has been recognised and you are getting so much support. That's amazing, even a miracle, considering the way services are these days. Something to be grateful for - and to see that someone is looking out for you. Maybe some of the bad stuff has happened to get you away from him. Now you're away you can begin to heal. Sometimes the healing involves feeling worse for a bit, like when you come off drugs or alcohol you will feel worse for a while until it gets better. Same with a toxic relationship. He's done you harm but soon you will be free of him, stronger and more beautiful (inside and out!).

Can you lie down and think of a lovely place you've been or want to go/ seen on TV and just imagine being there. Imagine how your body feels, the smells, what you can see, how you feel. Our brains are quite easy to fool and when you think about such things, it thinks they really happened! Try it.

Morning @Imbluedalale , hopefully you got some sleep in. Got future reference @PrincessOfPreschool 's suggestion of imagining a place is such a good one. I used to recreate every moment from my walk to lower school in the mornings, every footstep, everything I walked past. In theory it would take me as long to think about it as it would have taken me to get there, but I was usually asleep before I arrived lol.

Actually it would have taken longer cos I'd think, in detail, about the tree I used to climb & the stream we'd catch stickleback in - like I'd render huge parts of the estate around the walk to school. My god the concentration lol, my mind wanders so badly 😂

Good luck today! This should be a huge benefit for you & I'm so glad the system is working as it's meant to cos you need and deserve this support!

Agree with pp also about your kids growing into the reality of what's happened, the penny absolutely will drop at some point. Is it worth asking your support worker if they've a therapy dog you can utilise for some squishes?

How are you doing this morning? I hope today is the start of much better things for you!

You are clearly such a lovely person, and my word you are strong to have got this far!! I know you don't feel strong, but you would not have got this far if you weren't.

I'm sorry your relatives are being so useless. When you feel more settled, maybe you could reach out to some of your friends from before - they may well be delighted to hear from you again.

You have the strength. Change is hard, especially going into something/somewhere unknown. It’s natural to feel nervous. Hopefully it will get you more support to add to some of those amazing people you already have. Will be thinking of you today.

Morning PrincessOfPreschool.
It truly is very difficult being away from them . I am wondering what they would all be doing right now . I wish I could kiss too of their heads and tell them I love them . When I was texting my youngest yesterday I said ‘I’m sending you a big kiss and a cuddle in the sky’ and he replied ‘caught it’ so then I said ‘I’m sending you a 1000 more’ and he replied ‘caught them all again’ awww my heart when he said that . I will text my eldest 2 later and just tell them I love them and leave it at that so we don’t get it into arguments . I will try your advice tonight when I’m at the new place and can’t sleep . Thank you

Morning Caerulea.
I managed to get a few hours thank you . I had my medication delivered earlier so I’m mostly all ready to go. Feeling very nervous . But I keep trying to tell myself I’m doing this for my children (I can’t say myself because I don’t feel like I deserve it ) I’m doing this so I can try and get better and have some strength to fight and see my children . (Bawling again )
Your walk to school sounds amazing lol 😂
Im not sure if they have a support dog but that just reminded me when I was in the hospital (it was a cancer hospital ) the patients who missed their pets well people could bring the pets to the hospital to the visiting bit and you could go down and see and hold your pet how amazing was that .