Need a hand hold

[Imbluedalale]

That’s just it really. I really need a cuddle but that’s not possible so can anybody just support me right now? My mental health is on the floor right now I’ve never felt as low it’s making me feel so ill

Morning ChoccieCornflake.
I hope you are ok. Thank you for your lovely support it really means so much right now .
I’m just having a little cry because I miss my children and I’m also feeling scared.
Thank you for saying I’m strong . I just think when you are told things so many times you start to believe it so when my ex called me weak , useless , a bad mum and other things it takes a long time to not believe it . I honestly don’t feel strong i feel absolutely petrified but I’m thinking of my kids and all my mental health team keep telling me I can do this and I’ve just had a call from Andrew from council and he called to wish me could luck and said I can do this which was lovely and all you strangers who are giving me support right now even though you don’t know me you are all telling me I can do this . So I’m going to try. Thank you 🙏

@Imbluedalale my dad was in hospital recently & we took his dog to see him not realising you can take them in the actual ward so he came outside to see her. The nurses were most disappointed when they realised that's why he gone out lol

I've made my walk sound very romantic, it was just thru a very rough council estate. The neighbour who set fire to his garden wasn't on the walk, neither was the terrifying dog who wanted to kill anyone who walked by his garden or the house of the man who liked to attached kitchen clocks to the outside walls 🤣 - they were on the walk to the shop lmao.

Use whatever reasoning you need to keep your chin up & deal with one issue at a time. Today is about getting into the new place.

Thank you Ruralretreating.
Thank you for your kind supportive message . It truly means the world . I’m just waiting for my mental health nurse to ring me once she has done all the admin stuff . Can’t stop shaking this morning but I’m going to do it .

I know you’re missing your kids like crazy, but you are setting a great example for them. You’re showing them how to leave an abusive situation and how to endure when life throws a massive curveball your way. This too will pass. I hope you’ve got some nice music, podcasts and books to keep you cosy in your recovery. You can do this, even if it’s one hour at a time, at the moment 💐💐.

I hope your dad is better now Caerulea.
I bet it did your dad the world of good seeing his dog , you sound like an amazing person.
I’ve had so much change recently that I just feel very unsettled but I have to do this I know I do . If it doesn’t work at least I can say I tried .

You amaze me with your strength. Never give up - minute by minute you are shaming those who doubted you.

You are awesome!! You are so strong to get through all this! Your awful abusive ex tried to grind you down, and I know he really impacted your self esteem, but EVEN WITH THAT, you have got through it! You are living away from him, you are coping, you are dealing with cancer treatment, and missing your kids, and yet you are still keeping on! Massive hugs and handholds! One step at a time, and I really hope it feels good today to be in a more supported place with people looking after you. YOU DESERVE IT!!

Thank you FreshLaundry.
Your name has made me think about one day when I can be in my own home and do my laundry so it’s all clean and fresh and have a washing machine and all nice smelling clothes and maybe even a washing line. That dream seems a long way off right now but it’s hopefully something I can look forward to .
My children don’t know I’m going into care for abit I don’t want to give my ex any more ammunition so he can tell people I’m crazy etc . My mental health team and my domestic abuse case worker said he doesn’t need to know but they said if it does go to court they will support me and say I’ve done everything asked of me and reached out for support when I needed it so that’s reassuring.
Ive got some books to take with me thank you .

Thank you Todaywasbetter.
I honestly don’t feel strong , if you could have seen me these last 9 days and the tears I’ve cried and sometimes I’ve had to try and curl into a ball and sob because the psychical pain of my heart and tummy I couldn’t handle . I used to think the word ‘pining’ was just a stupid word because how can you pine for somebody? But you can , I’m pining for my children so much . And even though I’m pining for them I don’t want them to see me like this , I don’t want them to see me upset because I can’t control my tears at the moment and I don’t want them to see me shaking uncontrollably. I know nobody can wave a magic wand and make how I feel disappear but if can help me even just 5% it will be 5% better than how I feel right now so it’s got to be worth it

Thank you ChoccieCornflake.
He did impact my self esteem I can’t even look in a mirror anymore as soon as I see a mirror or a reflection of myself I look down . Hopefully one day I can look at myself again . I havnt spoken to him since he kicked me out I’ve blocked him now but one of the last things he said to me was that he’s happiest he’s ever been . He’s my children’s dad and I do want him to be happy but the expense of his happiness and what he’s done has made me feel so broken , on the floor and worthless and I’ve lost everything I just hope it was worth it for him .

Oh mate, you are clearly such a kind and generous person! In your shoes I think I would be wishing all the ills of the world on him! You are not worthless - you have huge worth, even if you can't see it yet

You are as strong as me because you keep going. That's all it is, keep going.
One day you will look back and see how far you've come.
2 years ago I was in a refuge with nothing but my kids. A year ago I was in a police cell with my kids in foster and now I have so much and am settled and happy. Next year I hope to start a small business. Just one day at a time, you've got this.

I don’t think fondly of him definitely not but he is a good dad to the children and he’s looking after them right now and I know they are safe that’s what I’m going on . He’s just one of them people that gets to breeze through life and gets to shit on others but never gets any repercussions from it . Some people are lucky some people are not .He’s still very much like a child with toys, I was broken and scarred so he got a new one , a new shiny toy , but he didn’t treat the first toy very nicely and some of the scratches and dents were caused by him. But I’m not going to let his good fortune consume me because he’s not part of my life anymore aslong as he’s good with the children that’s my only care for him now . And luckily I never have to see or speak to his mum again .

I am honestly in awe of how clearsighted you are. You might not feel strong, but my word you are!!

Keep going …. Ok I will keep trying to repeat this to myself TashaTudor.
Thank you . I’m so pleased for you and proud of how far you have come the past 2 years. Hopefully one day I can be like you and give advice to help pick somebody else back up when they have reached rock bottom .
Im getting picked up at 5.30 this is it now it’s real .

Hugs from me . Completely understand what you're going through, it's tough xxx

Your so lovely and kind ChoccieCornflake.
Going out of your way to help pick me back up and giving me words of encouragement. My mental health team and other professionals tell me I’m being so strong but sometimes I think they have to say that don’t they so to hear it from a stranger it does make me sit up a little bit and think ‘maybe I am’ so thank you for letting me have one positive thought about myself xx

Thank you polydactylfeline.
I’ve had the call, everything is set . Got all my meds ready . Got my big girl pants on (but keep wanting to take them off ) . Worrying silly things like ‘what if they think I’m a lost cause’ , ‘what if they don’t like me’ , ‘what if they never let me leave and keep me drugged up and like a zombie forever’ (yes I have actually thought about that) but then I tell myself what’s the worse that can happen . I can’t feel any worse than I do right now , I’m not going to be sat in a hotel room on my own 24 hours a day , if I get upset or have a panic attack there will be somebody there to help me . I can talk to somebody about my children . I will have somebody to wash my hair ( I can’t life my right arm up with the paralysis and havnt been able to wask my hair) and there’s a big garden and patio and a craft room so it can’t be worse than this .

I think you're being incredibly strong, you've had a horrendous time, you really have. A lot of people in your position couldn't function as you are. I'm sorry about you hair, hopefully someone will be able to assist you soon . Remember, a bad day or a bad few days doesn't mean you have a bad life. Take it one day at a time, don't overwhelm yourself. Your son is extremely disrespectful, I do think it's better not to engage whilst you're so fragile, that can be dealt with another time when you've got the mental capacity. You got this, keep on talking on here, we're here for you

Keep those big girl pants on 💪, you can do this xxx

Thank you polydactylfeline
xx

I’ve only read your posts after the first few OP but I echo everyone here - you are strong! And you are worthwhile, and a good mum, and you can get through this. Big hugs. I echo PP - just keep going.

You are fabulous! You are in the absolute depths of a nightmare situation, and yet you are taking the time to be lovely to everyone here - what a star you are!

I hope you have a wonderful, supportive, restful time in the new place. A garden and a patio and a craft room sounds lovely! Remind yourself all the time that you are great and you deserve all the best things ever!

Thank you 🙏 so much .
I’m just waiting for my taxi outside I’m shaking like a leaf . I will let you know once I’m there .
Thank you for giving me support and encouragement you and everyone else has given me that little bit of strength I needed to do this . This time yesterday I was thinking absolutely no way but now I’m waiting for my taxi and I’ve checked out hotel and I’m going . I might have another meltdown soon but I’m doing it 😬

We are all with you in spirit!! You got this!!!!