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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that my partner should not have sexy vidoes of girls in his...

92 replies

PosieParker · 23/04/2008 22:55

office on his computer?? I looked through his email tonight and found a video forwarded of two girls from his office stripping in a lift that he had forwarded and lots of pictures of psuedo lesbian and tits out shots and videos that he had searched for online during his working day. He is the boss of the UK and exchanging emails with salemen. I truly thought he had grown up in our ten years and three, another on the way, children. I am so angry that I asked him to leave the house or I would beat him with the laptop until it broke. I have no idea what to do. It brings up the trust issue and that my dp is not, by a long way, the man I thought he was.
Shall I just kill him?????

OP posts:

DirtySexyMummy · 24/04/2008 00:20

Well said shewillbeloved

islingtonponce · 24/04/2008 00:20

note to self: nb to tell dh how dimly i would view such behaviour... would obviously be completely reasonable of him to behave like this unless he was aware i might find it a tad unnacceptable...

dittany · 24/04/2008 00:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

PosieParker · 24/04/2008 00:22

SheWillBeloved, I have given him many chances to admit that he is part of this culture... he says he opposes it but every now again something else rears it's ugly head...like photos on facebook of him being a little too close (girl in question was with everyone) with this girl who calls he deleted from his call log.
Maturity really has nothing to do with my actions this evening, I cannot be calm and cannot scream the house down like I want to because I have three sleeping children.
Just before christmas I was invited and then uninvited to a manager's do, at that time I was not happy that all his big nights out were without me. Now that I know he works with people that do these sorts of things, know as opposed to suspect, and I know my dp is not unknown in this side of the office a whole heap of questions arise.

OP posts:

zazen · 24/04/2008 00:23

ditto dittany - there could be some serious legal issues - especially if he's the boss - I could imagine younger women employees feeling that they were under obligation to preform. It's sounds like a minefield - maybe you should contact a solicitor to see where you stand. I hope your company is limited.

There is an issue of trust between you and your DP which needs to be addressed.

Adults looking at consensual adult porn is legal - though I personally think it very tacky, but it's not illegal, and as adults we get to make choices (and live with the consequences).

Unless the computer is available for your kids to see, I don't understand the pc at home / pc at work issue?

hope you get to sort out this issue soon - I see you are upset.

islingtonponce · 24/04/2008 00:23

hope ypou've told your dh of your radical feminist outlook dittany.... otherwise he may be engaging in "light hearted banter" at work

Original poster

PosieParker · 24/04/2008 00:24

DSM, he helps people earn a lot of money that should be impressive enough and get him liked, how much would you like your boss if he helped you earn £40-80,000?

OP posts:

DirtySexyMummy · 24/04/2008 00:25

Its not 'boys will be boys' though. Its about respecting your partners right to do things that they want to do, even when those things are not things you necessarily want to do.

DirtySexyMummy · 24/04/2008 00:27

Er, no. I don't like people at my work just because they employed me, and therefore help me earn my salary.

I like people because I get on well with them. Maybe he would like to make friends at work?

dittany · 24/04/2008 00:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

PosieParker · 24/04/2008 00:28

DSM, I feel his actions are disrespectful toward myself and women in general.

OP posts:

DirtySexyMummy · 24/04/2008 00:28

I don't see how it is 'putting up with crap'?

IMO he hasn't really done anything wrong, he looked at porn, at work. What crap is she putting up with exactly?

zazen · 24/04/2008 00:28

Posie - I wouldn't like to work in a culture where I felt under obligation to preform for company videos.

No matter what the price.

I think you need to contact a solicitor as I think what's going on in your Dps company is illegal, and could really cost a lot of money to set right.

PaninoPan · 24/04/2008 00:29

Really not sure why you have started this thread, PP. You appear to have made a decision, are standing by it in the belief you are correct, and so the rest of the AIBU question is settled. In your mind YANBU and won't broach any arguement to the contrary.

Just get on with the consequences??

Original poster

PosieParker · 24/04/2008 00:29

Nobody stays for along time at the company and even if they do they never stay in touch, maybe he does need friends but if he has to go about it like this then what sort of friends is he making. He is not single and is unlikely to ever be the right fit for people making friends at his company.

OP posts:

DirtySexyMummy · 24/04/2008 00:30

Posie - why, because you find porn disrespectful to women?

You cannot expect every couple to have the same views on everything though. I went out with a guy once who was a vegetarian. It was fine for a few months, and then he said he didn't want to be around me eating meat anymore. So we broke up, because I was not willing to not eat meat. However, if I loved him, like your DH loves you, then I would have eaten meat only when he was not around.

dittany · 24/04/2008 00:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

PosieParker · 24/04/2008 00:31

I was actually looking for another outlook on why he may have done it or another point of view, but I have had support with people that would feel the same way and some good questions. I would also be interested in what people would do if it were them.

OP posts:

DirtySexyMummy · 24/04/2008 00:32

That analogy is really rubbish, sorry.

lackaDAISYcal · 24/04/2008 00:32

I'm that the OP is being ganged up on here. In what sort of environment is videos of staff stripping in lifts being circulated to male members of staff considered "office banter"?

In my old office that meant gentle ribbing, not videoing each other half naked in lifts!

He sounds like a right old sleaze bag and the OP, whether she snooped or not, is entitled to be more than a little pissed off I think, No, YANBU!

He is the boss, he should be above this, he shouldn't encourage it, and quite probably he and half of his team should be sacked for it as I'm sure circulating "innapropriate material" is a sackable offence under most employers e-mail/internet policies.

SheWillBeLoved · 24/04/2008 00:33

Men are like this, they think porn impresses other men and so show it off at every chance they get. It doesn't mean they like it or would choose to watch it by themself. I've lot count of the number of times DP has whipped out his phone in front of friends or his brother in law and said "haha look at this!" "Omg, bluetooth that to me!" - I don't go about sorting it out by kicking him out. That's never fixed anything and the problem is always there when they get back.

What he's doing may not result in him making friends for life, but i'm pretty sure it makes his day at work go that little bit faster.

I'd also much rather he had a joke about it at work, than come home and sit at the home computer watching porn for pleasure rather than a joke with 'mates'.

Original poster

PosieParker · 24/04/2008 00:33

In a dynamic where a woman takes her clothes off for money is rarely one where she has respect.

OP posts:

DirtySexyMummy · 24/04/2008 00:34

Well, dittany I'm sure it would be office banter if everyone in the office was into it. I;m sure in a predominantly gay office, it would be 'normal office banter'.

I don't personally find porn misogynistic or disrespectful to women. The women in the majority of porn films are paid very well, and choose this career. If you don't like it, thats your opinion, but its not everyones.

dittany · 24/04/2008 00:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DirtySexyMummy · 24/04/2008 00:36

Well, I don't know if I agree with that Posie. Some people don't feel the need to have respect from everyone, and respect themselves enough to be happy. I do the job I do which is based on the way I look, and I don't feel that it is disrespectful to other women.

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