To be devastated that my husband won't let our 2yo be a 2yo

[anonymousi]

He works full time, I'm a SAHM. When he gets home around 6-7 the house is a mess because I've been looking after our DD all day and cooked dinner (so DD would have been playing with her toys in the same room as I cook). My husband likes to bring this up in arguments or if there's a particularly big pile of toys sigh, roll his eyes, say something like "you girls have been busy" or "daddy's going to have to clean this up now eh". The reality is, yes daddy has to clean this up because I will tidy up the kitchen area after DC mealtime and prepare her for bed, then put her to bed. Of course, as she's 2 she understands what's being said and I don't want her to grow up to the sound of "urgh don't get your toys out" "no don't tip all the pencils out of your box" - if she's drawing she needs her pencils. The house is never dirty, just mess in the sense of toys scattered. And if I ever have him watch her he will keep getting grumpy at her every time she tries to take a toy out - LILLY, NO! Urghhh why did you get your legos! If she spills a drink "LOOK FORWARDS when you're eating" or "why did you tip that??" I've tried explaining that kids play, that part of their development is dropping things and exploring how they fall, that she's excited to play with her toys as she should be.

There's no way he can do bedtime duty because it would just stress her out - for example during bedtime stories if she gets out a second book or tries to colour and tips her pencils out, he will complain at her. The bath - same - why are you splashing water everywhere, why did you throw that bath toy out, now I'm all wet.

To avoid a drip feed I'll add that I'm a SAHM because we both saved £££ before having our DD, so no he isn't fully funding me. My family have also helped out financially so allow me to be a SAHM as it's always been my dream. We have a cleaner who comes 2 times per week to deep clean (whereas I do more of a daily surface clean) so the house is clean, hygienic and safe.

So why does working full time mean he shouldn't contribute an equal share of work and childcare at home?

I'd be disgusted if my husband did nothing to help round the house or with parenting because he works 38 hours a week.

A full time working Mom doesn't get to check out and do nothing round the house, a part time working Mlm doesn't get to check out and a stay at home Mom doesn't get to check out

Why the fury and anger that a man should do what's expected of a woman?

But your airing your outdated opinions as though they are fact and rather than thinking the man needs to adjust his expectations, your berating the OP for not performing her womanly role and pleasing her her man properly.

You come across like a mouthpiece for your sexist husband.

I'm a single parent, so if you could stop with the assumptions that I have no chidlren and have a husband and whatever else.

Because in my opinion working is a lot more stressful and takes a lot more than being a stay at home parent. So again in my opinion (so you don't think I'm spouting 'facts') the working parent contributes 50/50 parenting on weekends. If they want to do more then great.

No it shouldn't and no they shouldn't. OP is doing a great job, letting her child learn while she plays, using her imagination, not making a petty fuss about tidying up one toy before she's allowed to pay with another.

You should marry the OP's DH and you could both live in a spotless tidy house with an unhappy toddler. I'd rather be a good parent than a good cleaner.

Im a fantastic parent and at nursery children are taught from 1yo to tidy up after themselves in a fun way. At 7pm the house should be tidy and child winding down for bed.
Why is it so difficult to accept someone has a different opinion?!

Because it's obvious that OP's DH is rigid and overbearing about the tidying and dealing with his toddler daughter. You may be a fantastic parent, but he certainly isn't.

Which is what I said, parents should be doing 50/50 when both parents are home and you went off on saying that they shouldn't?!

So you would be perfectly happy to go to work all day until 7pm, come home and clean up, bath your child, clean up again, put child to bed, clean up again, have dinner and then go to bed and do it all again the next day. Despite the fact there's a whole other parent in the house

So because he doesn't pay 100% of the household bills it's ok for him to essentially work 24/7?
He'd have less to do and be in the same financial situation if op worked or child was in childcare

Because he works and she doesn't!
He gets home at 7pm and if the house was tidy since op has had all day to do it he might have more patience to do fun things. If he didn't know that he'd be expected to clean up the duplo and Teddy and teaset because dd isn't allowed to be taught to tidy her own things, maybe he'd be happier about them all being out.
It must be so shit to work til 7, come home to tidy up and then your child is in bed. It's got nothing to do with him being a man, if he didn't work the housework and childcare would fall to him on weekdays

It should already be tidy because you and dd should tidy up after yourselves.
Yes poor him working until 7pm while you play games all day, have a cleaner and think tidying up isn't for you

Again the being a shit dad was a drip feed for sympathy and if he didn't come home to a messy house maybe he'd have more patience. If OP didn't think dd shouldn't be taught to tidy up maybe he'd have more patience. Who knows

These are just a few of your comments, all berating towards the OP and scolding her for not keeping a tidy house.

None of what you have said or continue to say even suggests you support a 50/50 split when both parents are at home.

These comments came after I'd said that it should be a 50/50 split and you posted all the above as to why it shouldn't.

You do it all as a single parent because you have to. OP isn't a single parent amd should be able rely on her husband to pull his weight outside of working hours.

During the week she should do it and at the weekend it should be 50/50 as both are at home. I stand by everything I've said!

Which, again, is what I said. Yet you've argued all the above nonsense with me when I said it and with the OP.

@Chichimcgee and in the evening, when both at home, we shouldn't do 50/50 exactly why?

I don't know why people keep saying that the OP is paying for 50% here/her share/shes self funding being a SAHM/he's only paying 50%. That's clearly not the case.

In defence of the OP, she didn't say they were paying 50-50, but that he wasn't 'fully funding her'. She's now given the breakdown:

Husband
Mortgage
Council tax
All bills
Food
Family expenses, day trips out, meals out

Wife
The cleaner
Her hair and clothes

So their life isn't fully funded by husband, just about 90% of it.

For what its worth, I don't think 'who pays for more' is the remotest bit relevant to who puts the dishwasher on, but clearly some people think it is, and most of them have got the wrong end of the stick.

She only pays for things for herself, and the cleaner. He pays bills, groceries and all other family expenses.

And? They both agreed and saved for this. That's not the issue.

I’m clearly talking about the standards set for the child’s behaviour, not standards for the other parent. Read all my comments in this properly, (e.g. the messy house thing is healthy, and normal with a two year old).

Not everything here on MN is a feminist issue.

That's not what I'm saying at all. (Although other people are.)

I think he should be pulling his weight at home, and I agree with the OP that the way he is around their child is really sad.

Because you're at home all day and he's out at work and doesn't come home until 7pm...you have one child and a cleaner, how hard is it to tidy up a bit so you can both enjoy your evenings?

It can be stressful coming home to a chaotic messy home.

Why not give your toddler a specific unmessy task or let them watch their TV show while you do dinner, that would solve that specific issue.

On the other points - well yes you have a husband problem. I wonder how he was parented? Maybe he always felt rushed and he's got residual stress from work, it's making him like this, or he just dislikes parenting.

It sounds like he would be better off taking her out the house and sticking to those activities.

@anonymousi

wouldn’t YOU too like the house nice and tidier too though Op?
it’s good for kids however young to learn about tidying away toys etc!

@LuckySantangelo35 I don’t think OP has said the toys are left everywhere all the time.

Because he's been at work all day and you haven't.

@Chichimcgee do you think a childminder or nanny doesn’t work? Depending on your child and depending on your job, one may have had a harder day than the other (not always the one at work)

@anonymousi it seems to me your main concern is mostly about how he doesn’t parent in a way you (and your dc) feel comfortable with. If he refuses to even consider how he parents, what to do? It’s like nails down a blackboard watching/hearing someone who hasn’t got a clue doing something so ineptly, especially when it’s your precious child on the receiving end. And very frustrating that the bond between father and dc isn’t as warm and nurturing as it could/should be. I’m sorry I can’t offer any solution here but I feel your discomfort. The tidying up before daddy gets home is another issue - but that is easy to fix in comparison to getting your h to be a more empathic parent.

Are you genuinely with your child 24/7 and is it really that difficult?
I personally feel as a mother and as someone with a degree in early years that looking after a toddler is not as difficult as someone who works all day.

I also think if someone works until 7pm which is really quite late, they've generally got the short straw. If they're working and paying 90% of everything then yes, the job of childcare goes to the other parent.

I don't believe anyone wants to come home at 7 to clean up. He's not great at bed and bath but I'd assume it's late, he's stressed and his parenting and ops aren't aligned.

Also to add I have 2 disabled children I care for 24/7 and I'd still rather that than work. Everyone is different and op finds parenting harder than working which is fine but my opinion is based on my thoughts and experiences as is everyone's and it doesn't make my opinion less valid